[ENFP] Hey ENFP guys...what's a INFJ lady to do?

Hey ENFP guys...what's a INFJ lady to do?

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This is a discussion on Hey ENFP guys...what's a INFJ lady to do? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; As usual...I have lots of questions as I allow my words to fall out of my head. So don't feel ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Hey ENFP guys...what's a INFJ lady to do?

    As usual...I have lots of questions as I allow my words to fall out of my head. So don't feel like you have to answer everything..throw any of your words that stand out for you in my direction.

    So I was curious as to ...well...if ENFPs like someone...What qualities attract you to that person? Make you feel special? Ha ha basically I'm wondering how to approach a potential relationship. I mean I'm still trying to figure out if this guy likes me or not, but let's pretend he likes me. For instance, he's asked me to come out for wings or coffee with his guy friends. (So he is showing some interest and it's not all in my head.)

    Here is some examples/ info about what I like to find in a guy:
    When he gives me a feeling of peace and that I am safe when I am around him. Unfortunately, I mostly get a creepy feeling when I'm around guys as I get this feeling that I know what they are thinking and I really don't like the way that they look at me. Hmm anyways, that is an example for you. I guess if it is going to work it will and I don't need your advice. However, I would really like to know how to make things easier. Ha ha like I'm willing to go out of my way for this guy and really get to know who he is! There's not too many people in the world that I go.."Hmm I wonder why they are the way they are? I can't wait to ask him more questions." Usually people bore me. I don't put in the extra effort because I think "Why bother? We're going to be friends for a year or two. And then everything I did will be a waste." (This is an unhealthy part of me I know I have to work on...and I am getting better.)

    I'm trying to remember things that he likes to do. Music and books that he enjoys etc...I ask him what he thinks about such and such (I want to know his opinions). Although...I'm trying hard not to fall in the trap...but when I really like someone...some times (alot of the time) I retreat and have difficulties looking into their eyes. I become really self conscious. I know that eye contact is so important. Maybe I have to get over the fear of rejection and suck it up.

    Ha ha...Hmm. What do you guys enjoy talking about? Your hobbies or Ideas? Opinions? Do you like to do the talking? Or do you like to listen? Bit of both? Do you talk more or less? Why? What do you find attractive (on the inside of a woman.)

    MMmmm and for you Christian ENFPs if you have any advice that's attractive in a "godly" woman throw it in.

    What are turn-offs? Or things that I shouldn't do that people think are the "norm" but totally turn you off? What are some clear examples or ways of showing that you are interested in someone. Is there a "ENFP" approach that you guys have? What's the worst thing someone could do if you were interested in them? How would people be able to make things easier on you if you were interested in them? How can I help him out without doing things that show that I'm desperate or something? How do ENFPs typically approach a relationship? (I'll probably be asking you guys alot of advice by the way! So thank-you so much for helping me along the way.)
    Last edited by dhomuniqe; 12-02-2010 at 11:31 PM.



  2. #2
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    As usual...I have lots of questions as I allow my words to fall out of my head. So don't feel like you have to answer everything..throw any of your words that stand out for you in my direction.

    1.) However, I would really like to know how to make things easier.

    2.) Usually people bore me.

    3.) What are turn-offs? Or things that I shouldn't do that people think are the "norm" but totally turn you off? What are some clear examples or ways of showing that you are interested in someone. Is there a "ENFP"
    Answers:

    1.) Do NOT judge. Yeah, I know, that's part of your personality. It's always going to be a point of friction (and perhaps even attraction at times). ENFPs are "fiercely" independent, you cannot chastise them for their ways or opinions as long as they are not criminal. I have one INFJ friend but she happily ended our friendship once thinking I had a crush on her after our dating had failed a year before (she was wrong). She also phoned me up and yelled at me for 10 minutes (before I hung up on her) because she told me I was dating a 19 year old who was really hot to take advantage of her body and her young age (wrong again).

    Oh what else did I do wrong?

    -Was a misogynist (jokes most women would find funny, if not tame)
    -Drank hard at parties (supposedly all women lose respect permanently for any guy who does this. Something tells me there'd be a lot less relationships if this was so)

    2.) I wouldn't bore you, sounds like you didn't meet an ENFP. If I liked you I'd get your number and a few days later you'd have a digitally recorded funny song (of me doing vocals too) left on your voice-mail. Maybe hip-hop. I do theme dates for the girls I date, and wrote an entire friggan novella for one at Christmas with cover art and illustrations, printed signed, and left on her doorstep at midnight of Christmas Day. Wham Bam, thank ya ma'am.

    3.) Turn offs? Judging. Oh and texting me when you're at a club and some guy is "...grinding my ass but don't worry I'm not enjoying it. Don't worry."
    Btmangan, Malovane, dhomuniqe and 1 others thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Moby View Post
    Turn offs? Judging. Oh and texting me when you're at a club and some guy is "...grinding my ass but don't worry I'm not enjoying it. Don't worry."
    Ahh yes, typical INFJ behavior. Just can't trust em.
    MissyMaroon and dhomuniqe thanked this post.

  4. #4
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    What qualities attract you to that person? Make you feel special?
    Girl next door look. Healthy self esteem with a tiny little bit of unexpressed neediness.
    Special? Specific compliments. Healthy admiration. "Thank you, that's so sweet of you". Affirmations.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    What do you guys enjoy talking about? Your hobbies or Ideas? Opinions? Do you like to do the talking? Or do you like to listen? Bit of both? Do you talk more or less? Why? What do you find attractive (on the inside of a woman.)
    Ideas, the future, potentials, what could be. What would you do if....questions. Yes I like to talk at first...a little bit...then I want to know what you think, really think. Be authentic, open, vulnerable even. I'm fascinated listening to a good conversationalist. Quickly bored if its not interesting, witty, and too factual and less conceptual.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    MMmmm and for you Christian ENFPs if you have any advice that's attractive in a "godly" woman throw it in.
    Sorry Christian by name but long purged needs for organized religion (not to get us OT ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    What are turn-offs? Or things that I shouldn't do that people think are the "norm" but totally turn you off?
    Agression. Accusations. Oh, and generalizations. You *always*, etc. Pointing out my imperfections rather than inviting me to reflect on them (I'm happy to admit failure, but will reject attribution).
    Don't reject my romantic moves, that's hard on me.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    What are some clear examples or ways of showing that you are interested in someone. Is there a "ENFP" approach that you guys have?
    Curiosity, eye contact, sincere interest in you especially your dreams, aspirations, wishes.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    What's the worst thing someone could do if you were interested in them?
    Judge me (see: generalizations) based on limited interpretation of single actions/behaviors.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    How would people be able to make things easier on you if you were interested in them?
    Let me know I'm okay. Don't close up, be friendly, too. Don't put your guards up, I'm not gonna bite or hurt you.

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    How can I help him out without doing things that show that I'm desperate or something?
    Be direct, honest: Hey I really like you and want to spend more time with you so we can figure out if this works. Wow, swoon, whooosh. ;-)

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    How do ENFPs typically approach a relationship?
    I do it quickly, directly, honestly...no time wasting good time after bad if that fit is not there. But we don't give up easily (I persistently wooed my now wife for 4 months before she succumbed).


    The most questionable part about your approach is how you can be sure that he's an ENFP - I still can't guess my wife's type (she hasn't taken a test yet) and am always cautious of wishful thinkin and/or projection.

    Best of luck to you!
    ---chrism
    Risen from Ashes and dhomuniqe thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Malovane View Post
    Ahh yes, typical INFJ behavior. Just can't trust em.
    The judging is sure true...The other part wasn't INFJ.

  6. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    dhomuniqe, I am a Christian man, but far from the poster boy of Christianity. One thing that turns me off is when Christian women are asked about what they want, and they say they want a man who is 100% after God. Since I am so easily distracted, I am really into God one day, but not so much the next. I suppose the statement made me feel judged, which is why it upset me.

    Just a thought. Take it for what it's worth.
    dhomuniqe thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by dhomuniqe View Post
    MMmmm and for you Christian ENFPs if you have any advice that's attractive in a "godly" woman throw it in.
    Okay, as an ex-Christian who used to be really, really invested in his faith, I'll toss my hat into the ring for this one.

    As ENFP's we're all into big visions, big dreams, big hopes, big love (not the TV show, though, hahaha) and the irrepressible desire to spread it around (if not the detail focus needed to see it happen as effectively as we'd like!). Add into that the whole authenticity thing to.

    Right.

    So, one of the things that really got my attention back then was when I ran into girls who were really "on fire for God," and had a vision or "calling" of their own. The inverse is probably even more true insomuch as I knew a lot of real sweethearted good girls who wanted nothing more than to just be a pastor's wife and that drove me up the wall.

    Point in case: I really met my main high school girlfriend at a campus ministry conference type thing. We started flirting at a class, then talked a bunch about ministry, and when I saw her really getting into worship and praying for her friends at the altar, I was basically hooked then and there.
    Risen from Ashes and dhomuniqe thanked this post.

  8. #8
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by JackK597 View Post
    dhomuniqe One thing that turns me off is when Christian women are asked about what they want, and they say they want a man who is 100% after God.
    Do you believe this? As a Christian most Christian girls say this that I've met, but they go for the absolute opposite. Most of the one's I know are either dating their church's "black sheep" or dating some random badass they met at a club. It's the agnostic girls that have higher standards in reality and go for better guys.

    But that could just be my experience. I'm in Canada, religion isn't as hardcore up here as it is in the States. Still, there's only two exceptions to what I've said about Christian girls above, that I know...As someone with a big Ne...I know a lot of girls!

  9. #9
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Moby View Post
    Do you believe this? As a Christian most Christian girls say this that I've met, but they go for the absolute opposite. Most of the one's I know are either dating their church's "black sheep" or dating some random badass they met at a club. It's the agnostic girls that have higher standards in reality and go for better guys.

    But that could just be my experience. I'm in Canada, religion isn't as hardcore up here as it is in the States. Still, there's only two exceptions to what I've said about Christian girls above, that I know...As someone with a big Ne...I know a lot of girls!
    I found (and continue to find) that it's an either/or proposition. Either they don't ever date and just expect God to somehow mystically reveal to them their future husband, or they are freaky deaky in the sack behind closed doors with the a-hole guys.

  10. #10
    ENFP - The Inspirers



    Attraction

    I think a common theme in the male ENFP world is that we desire to get to really know people. I'm a social butterfly as it is, and as such I see the best in people anyway. However, if I find a woman attractive, I want to know everything about her. I want to hear her opinions, I want to hear her thoughts and dreams. I'll make it a point to keep you laughing if I'm attracted to you. I'll also be pretty open with you too. It'll be pretty clear cut that I fancy you; you'll have my undivided attention etc.

    Make an ENFP feel special?

    Nice and easy. We aren't very high maintenance folks. All I ask for is to be understood and taken for what I am. Not what you want me to be, not what you think I can be, not because I'm everything you're not, not for any loved up romantic reason... just as what you find before you. Affirm that core, and you'll find yourself showered with care, support, love, affection and all things ENFP-y! Compliment us, tell us what you appreciate about us, and tell us that those attributes are what makes you happy and the ENFP will flourish hahaha! I sound like a documentary narrator... sorry!

    What I enjoy talking about?

    This one's nice and easy. EVERYTHING!!! HAHA! I like to talk about what interests me, what interests you. Anything that I can have a conversation about. Obviously, if you want to talk about the intricate structures of DNA, once my science knowledge from secondary school runs out, I can't converse with you anymore. I can only listen and learn! On the other hand, I like to do a bit of both, when someone wants to talk, I'm always happy to listen and help if I can. But I like to be listened to as well. I enjoy talking about my passions, my hobbies, what I did in my day, why I want a pet rhino; yes, let an ENFP set the conversation, and you just don't know what you'll get, random thoughts, deep insights, anything is on the cards!

    Turn offs

    Judgmentalism, I hate being judged and unnecessarily criticised. I'm always here for my SO, so I like the favour returned. Clinginess is very off putting. ENFPs are very independent in thought and deed, we won't control you or pass judgment on how you live (unless you're being criminal or really treading on our key beliefs). Live and let live is the way forward with us!

    Ignorance and prejudice is a pretty big turn off for me. I hate prejudice in all its forms, ENFPs are pretty easy with morally grey, I don't see the world as black and white, that's Ne for you though, a million different perspectives come together to make you realise that motives aren't necessarily what they seem. Basically, being manipulated, controlled or having our fidelity questioned when we've given you our word. I have never cheated on anyone because my Ne and Fi combine to both make me not want to see the possibility of hurting my partner become reality, and also to not gel with my conscience.

    Christianity/Religion

    Can't help you on this front. I'm an atheist, insofar as organised religion is too controlling and black and white in my opinion to sit easily with me. However, I know a few ENFPs and xNFPs with great store in their faiths, so I don't think humanism and atheism is a particularly ENFP thing. I might be wrong though...

    Also, I'm a Brit, and in Europe, despite the proximity of the Vatican and what not, religion isn't that big a deal. Especially not in London, atheism and secularism is pretty common here, so it could be a cultural thing with me too...
    Hope that helps!!
    dhomuniqe thanked this post.


 
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