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Why I Would Never Date Based on MBTI

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This is a discussion on Why I Would Never Date Based on MBTI within the Articles forums, part of the Announcements category; Originally Posted by peacemelody I might use type as one indicator, but it wouldn't be my final judgment on someone. ...

  1. #21

    Quote Originally Posted by peacemelody View Post
    I might use type as one indicator, but it wouldn't be my final judgment on someone. Other compatibility, like how you both want to spend your time, and what your values are, strike me as much more important.
    Yeah, that. Thanks for saving me keystrokes. :)

    I think it would be amusing to date someone of "my own type" or hell, someone anything like me, as I only date polar opposites. And that has turned out sooo well ;)
    Ha, as a colleague even more obsessed with the MBTI says: Opposites attract but like types stay together.
    peacemelody thanked this post.

  2. #22

    MBTI hardly ever comes into play when i meet someone i like. when i have met them and known them for some time it goes through my head the possible types that they could be...but it hardly acts as a deal breaker. even mbti stated that ne two mature n emotionally healthy adults can have relationships irrespctv of type.

  3. #23

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkrasputin View Post
    I found him incredibly selfish at times. I really believed that if I was ever on my death bed, he would actually make me get up to go and get my own glass of water. Does that mean I lack understanding? Does that mean I think all INTJs are bad? Hell no.
    I'd make you get up and get your own glass of water if you were on your death bed... you have all that time to inch your way over there. However, if you resisted, I'd get you a 20 foot straw so that you can suck it out of the sink.
    NaughyChimp thanked this post.

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  5. #24

    So, um, what you're saying, OP, is that you have a long list of requirements and, um, MBTI is not on that list?

  6. #25

    Quote Originally Posted by HarpFluffy View Post
    So, um, what you're saying, OP, is that you have a long list of requirements and, um, MBTI is not on that list?
    Did I say that? Or did I say: I wouldn't date based on MBTI. I get to know a person, not letters. MBTI can be another tool used in order to help me understand someone if I desired.

    Don't tell me you date 4 letters, because if you do I will show you the toothless version of those 4 letters who has been divorced 5 times and has become a crack addict, spent time in prison, and who didn't make it past the 3rd grade. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Everyone is worthy of love. But it just might be against your principles to date someone who has blue eyes.
    Indigo Aria, napoleon227, MuChApArAdOx and 3 others thanked this post.

  7. #26

    @pinkrasputin

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkrasputin View Post
    Did I say that? Or did I say: I wouldn't date based on MBTI. I get to know a person, not letters. MBTI can be another tool used in order to help me understand someone if I desired.

    Don't tell me you date 4 letters, because if you do I will show you the toothless version of those 4 letters who has been divorced 5 times and has become a crack addict, spent time in prison, and who didn't make it past the 3rd grade. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Everyone is worthy of love. But it just might be against your principles to date someone who has blue eyes.
    Nope, you're wrong... bring me the toothless ENFP. I can make it work.

    Future Mrs. Jack - Mmmm
    pinkrasputin, Mzclarol, Indigo Aria and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #27

    The problem with using MBTI to find a possible SO is that you're looking for an effect and not a cause.

    This is a theory of mine, and it's one of the few that I have that has logic behind it and actually makes deep-rooted sense.
    Definition of effect in this context: A behavior. A result of a desire to do something.
    Definition of cause in this context: The desire or need that causes the effect or behavior.

    I like to use the example about INFPs and music. Lots of INFPs write music or poetry, or do art of some form. Do I say that they all do that? No. But I can say that they all need to express their abstract emotions, and many find art to be a way to do that. The need to express emotion is the cause. The art is the effect.

    You look for effects in a relationship. Not causes. Functions are causes, so you can't always accurately predict the effects. Different function combinations may have the same effect for different reasons. For instance, Weird Al plays music to satisfy his ENTP personality's Ne/Ti and make fun of the world, meanwhile making money. He doesn't do it to express emotion. But if you're looking for a music player, and you only look for INFPs, you wouldn't find someone like Weird Al. (Not that you'd find someone like Weird Al anyway, but that's another story.)

    This is why people of the same type are so different. They have the same or similar causes, but different effects. You can see the effects... but not the causes. You have to guess the causes, and that's what MBTI does. The other thing is that if you think you know the causes, you have a much better chance of predicting the effects.

    If that makes sense.
    pinkrasputin, Mzclarol, Stolen and 11 others thanked this post.

  9. #28

    I'm not in the dating scene anymore, although if i was knowing what i know now about MBTI, it wouldn't change anything. MBTI is a tool only. Just like other tools we have in our life. If i'm trying to fix something around my home, i may need a particular tool to get the job done, although that doesn't mean i can't find another tool to do the same thing. It may be harder, although the end result is the same. This is like relationships. In a perfect world everyone would be the needed tool, but this is life, and its not perfect, so we have to find other solutions in relationships to make it work. MBTI and Cognitive functions are fun to explore. We may see many similarities within those functions. What i've learned from reading post and such around the forums is behaviors of a said type doesn't always ring true for everyone within that type, even those with the same Cognitive functions in exact order.

    As an ENFP, i don't necessarily relate to all ENFP here. So why would i choose a mate of a particular type counting on them all being the same breed. That's just silly.

  10. #29

    This is why people of the same type are so different. They have the same or similar causes, but different effects. You can see the effects... but not the causes. You have to guess the causes, and that's what MBTI does. The other thing is that if you think you know the causes, you have a much better chance of predicting the effects.
    I would absolutely agree on this... I think that everyone is born from different backgrounds, socioeconomically, culturally, politically, etc.. that go beyond the MBTI test in my opinion... we will have different ways of looking at life that your partner might not have...that's all I have to say on this.. atm
    pinkrasputin thanked this post.

  11. #30

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkrasputin View Post
    Yes Lucky, I've seen you and you've always been incredibly supportive of different types.

    In regards to feelings, I will never apologize for being in touch with my feelings. I won't apologize for the fact that I paid my therapist a butt load of money to make me more consciously aware of my emotions. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to be a healthy individual who gets along well with others.

    I think people often forget that anger and hurt are also emotions. Sadness is an emotion too. Crying is not an emotion, it is a behavior. Yelling and screaming is not an emotion, it is a behavior. Envy and jealousy (insecurity,fear, anxiety) are emotions and not behaviors. This is so important to understand. A person may have any of these emotions and not react based on their emotions. For instance, an envious person can discover their envy and stop themselves before having a reaction. They can stop themselves before they bully or sabotage someone else.

    I think anyone who is more consciously aware of their inner states of emotions will less likely be a slave to any negative behaviors or knee jerk reactions. Fear, joy, sadness, and anger are probably at the root of a lot of people's emotions. But I think the sometimes knee jerk behavior of crying for some people is probably the least likely to hurt someone else. But once again, that also takes being in touch with one's hurt or sadness, a primary emotion.

    If someone were to tell me that they have never felt hurt, anger, or sadness, it would tip me off that there is a seriously problem there. Something that needs to be taken care of in therapy. If someone were to tell me that they never felt happiness or joy, I would wonder if they were depressed.

    In a relationship if someone were to tell me, "Sorry, I just got scared of losing you" I would think there is a person who is not just "in touch" with their emotions, but is honest about them.
    I kind of think of 'feelers' as people who base most of their decisions on how they feel, either at the time, or in general. And thinkers base most of their decisions on what seems most logical despite how they feel about it.

    example: My ISTJ would rather break up because it seems illogical to stay together when we can't figure out a rational way to solve an issue that causes stress for us. (the actual issue is irrelevant in this example). Therefore the obvious logical answer is that the relationship will either end anyway so why not get it over with now ~or~ it will be too much work and too difficult to make it a happy, healthy relationship and better in the long run to be single.

    Me OTOH would rather stay together when things are hard, no matter what, and try to work out all the kinks, because it hurts so much to break up and lose such a huge investment. I couldn't even fathom the concept of wanting to break up because it makes 'logical' sense, meanwhile thinking that I don't ever plan on having another serious relationship if this one doesn't work out. But he does this. Honestly if I thought (and he does) that this relationship is the last one I'll ever try in, or ever even have, I would probably never consider breaking up to be the answer. That just has "FEELS BAD" all over it. But he goes straight to 'we should get out of this now!' because he's already analyzed all the possible logical scenarios and they all end with us being unhappy or breaking up.

    He has broke up with me twice based on logical reasoning, and I even tried to agree with him once and let it go. He always comes back with his heart completely broken wanting it fixed. (because he wasn't using any feelings to make his decision.) Likewise, after he breaks up with me I use logic to help me get over it and make myself feel better about losing the relationship.

    Him using his logic and rationalism to decide to end the relationship didn't mean it didn't hurt him just as bad as it hurt me to break up. Just meant that he made a decision that I would not have made on a basis that I would not have used. That also doesn't mean that I can't see the logic behind the problems we face and what it's going to take to deal with them. Doesn't mean that I have no idea that it's going to be hard ~or~ that I don't care about the logic as long as it doesn't hurt. Just means that I'm not going to make a decision just because that logic says it's going to be that way when I trust our feelings are strong enough for each other to get through the hard times.

    I would rather give it a try and put different methods and theories to the test. I want to see if there is a chance that we could work it out and make it through the storm. What would be on the other side of that storm could be treasure! That feeling will cause me to go through hell to save a relationship. (As long as there's no abuse of any kind involved of coarse.. because that's much different).

    So to rap it up I guess I just mean that thinkers have feelings. My ISTJ cries easier than I do, and has very strong emotions. They just don't factor their feelings in as much when making decisions. And feelers think logically about things, and rationalize a lot. They just don't put as much weight on this as they do how they feel about something when making an ultimate decision.

    I hate to stereo type but I don't mind generalizing because it takes some of complexity out of what I'm trying to figure out. If I can put a generalization on certain types or a certain part of types then it helps me not over analyze it. I wanted to interject these ideas because I was reading some of the stereotypes and stigmas that people had about thinkers and feelers.

    This is my hypothesis for what it's worth.
    Arinn, nottie and NYEnglishRose thanked this post.


     
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