by, 08-20-2019 at 09:57 PM (116 Views)
i have a strange relationship with romance in that i find myself being more "flirty" with guys i'm not actually into... which - honestly, isn't great. and i've been thinking a lot about why that is. i think there's a part of me that in this regard, is able to separate or dissociate myself from my actions. i'll say things not so much out of a personal interest for the other party (a serious one, anyway) but because of its potential for starting a fun repartee.
when it comes to interacting with someone that i'm actually into, i've always appreciated taking things at a slower pace. i barely if at all express signs that i'm romantically interested - at least not directly. any semblance of confidence i may have had in interacting with others is replaced with an energy that's bit more reticent and weak and scared and afraid - yet all the while simultaneously craving for something deeper and more vulnerable. i think my tendency to act upon those inclinations is - counterintuitively, what fucks me up in all of this. i'm a relatively open person. that being said, i don't believe that openness is inherently synonymous with vulnerability at all times or in any given context, even. more now than ever, i feel like i've been struggling a lot with that. being vulnerable. when it comes to casually flirting with others, i can be "open" but i'm not inherently being vulnerable because i'm more deliberately choosing on how much i show of myself to others. at best, i'm merely an idea and so are they which is what makes it fun.
but actually liking someone is different because i want more than that. there's this phrase i heard once where two characters were talking. one of them asked, "do you ever feel like to know someone more is to love them less?" and that line in particular has always resonated with me in ways that's incredibly painful. i wonder if this line of thinking is in way relevant to the manifestation of my relationship with romance or relationship(s) with romantic interests. that, coupled with the dichotomy if not contrast between the way i approach openness and vulnerability.