by, 10-12-2018 at 11:35 AM (420 Views)
It's probably not for the better, but it feels like it is. For now.
There are so many paths we can take, and two different paths could end at the same destination—at least in appearance. Perhaps in one version, you would keep your soul in the end and find the narrow way to eternal life. In the other version, you would lose it. To other people, it may look exactly the same. Only you and God would know who you followed in the end.
That's kind of the problem I'm having. I'm in a relationship with a guy, but he's not really a Christian. He's a good person, and he accepts me for who I am. Other interesting facts about him are that he is 17 years older than me, a band director like me, and a gastric bypass patient. He and I share the mind now of discovering ourselves. He sees in me how to be confident in who you are, and I see in him how to be confident in your relationships and career. Him being an older ISFJ, his tertiary and inferior function are coming into play too. We aren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, although by all actions we are. We haven't put a name to our relationship. I would just call us very good friends.
I don't know how long our relationship will last, but it probably won't last. I foresee pressure from my family(actual or perceived) being what splits us up. My mom wouldn't mind me being with a 39-year-old, but she would mind when she finds out the lack of his Christian beliefs. I don't know what to do. I'm very comfortable around him, and he is comfortable around me. Neither of us want to speed up our relationship status or commitments. We try to see each other a couple of times a week. His friends and colleagues are excited that we're "a thing". They know about it because they could sense it. My friends, colleagues and family know nothing. Where I am geographically, it's hard for anyone to be kept in the loop.
I guess the reason I titled this post the way I did is because I am changing. I'm in this relationship, and the church would not approve of it. I haven't been able to find a church in my new place. It's really hard. I've gone to a place twice, but I don't have a sense of community with anyone, and I feel extraordinary pressure to stop sinning and lying to myself and get back on the straight and narrow. Technically, that isn't a bad thing, but It's so hard to go about my daily life with that in the back of my mind.
Following God is difficult, but it's much harder to halfway follow God. It crushes your spirit and your mind. I read that if people proclaim to follow God yet engage in sexual immorality(which is what I do), they should be expelled from the body of believers. I love to have intimate and sexual encounters with my very good friend, and I don't want to stop. I'm not a true Christ-follower in that case. Any message I have to say is hypocritical. So I'm hiding.
I'm being exactly who I am, sins and all, but I'm hiding too. I'm changing into a follower of the world instead of The Word. Death and destruction come from the world, and life and truth from The Word. I'm setting myself up to fail in life and in eternity. Why? I don't know why I would do this. I don't care how many other Christians and "Christians" stumble—they all do at some point. I'm doing the wrong thing, and I was raised to not do the wrong thing. Now, I'm glad I don't have the sexual dysfunctions that a lot of other Christian ladies have, but maybe if I did I would have done the right thing in the end.
I'm changing in a way where I can't really see redemption anymore. There is always redemption in Christ when you have faith in Him and believe in what He has done. I do believe that. But when will I actually make the right choice? Hopefully before it's too late.