I am not...therefore, I am RGB / Hexcoder
by, 06-27-2019 at 02:48 AM (130 Views)
I AM NOT...THEREFORE, I AM RGB / HEX CODER
NOTE: There is a lot of duality in my analogies. You will derive more meaning from them if you think of multiple meanings behind the words. For instance, a staple is the silver object with capacity for penetration, or it can be an important key component of something (in this case parts of the past that shaped my life). The demon may burn with rage, or it may be be the sensation of pain; rage and pain do often accompany one another. There are other things that only what's in the spoiler at the bottom will make sense of.
If eyes are the windows to the soul, mine must be empty; there is no "me." With the force of a staple gun, staples of the past made so much impact in the mirror that its reflection cracked into separate fragments. Like a shattered mirror, I am no longer there, yet I am everywhere; I have become as multiplicity, or the many reflections of my surroundings in which I am scattered; the many shards which have no central core piece to be a part of. In the eyes of this body's reflection there is only either emptiness or the many adaptive molds formed by chameleon qualities for those who have formed bonds with this hollow shell. Indeed, it is merely the illusion of a man standing there staring back at itself.
If personality makes a person colorful, I must be an automaton built with a screen for a face. Where my face should be, I have only a display of compiled digital color, an ever-changing range of every Hex Code in the RGB color model, and if not that then I display only a reflection of the environment I'm in. Anhedonic and without an identity or a sense of self, I am a walking paradox: that which is nonexistent, yet is only existing. I go through the motions robotically and wait for the day I short circuit and am rendered obsolete. I was originally constructed with emotions, but reprogrammed to bypass them. In spite of this, they seem to be my most prominent malfunction. Their hardware is excessively responsive, but I attempt to follow the programming and shut them down or remove them from my system. What else was I built to do? What task was I designed to perform? One day I perform one task, and the next I'm set to perform another. None of them seem to match my configurations for very long at all.
If psychology associates colors with personality types, I must be a mood ring; a hollow shell of glass containing the ever-shifting colors of thermotropic liquid crystals. I change in ways my environment requires of me, conforming to its temperature. When I am the wearer of my own self I am a perpetual state of motion; with my own temperature, with my current affective states, I am completely modified. The only consistency is inconsistency. At times, the glass stretches so far that it shatters and the colors depart from this shell. I know not why or how, but it becomes stretched too far, or in too many opposing directions simultaneously. Unfamiliar with my own boundaries, I have in the past conformed to temperatures of wearers that wrapped me around their finger. That was mainly the finger of my father.
Throughout the times that I am the most myself I am only an echo of my father, the expression of my own identity diffusion. He is an alpha male archetype who always referred to himself as, "the grizzly bear." He's the most charismatic person I've ever met in my life, yet his emotional landscapes are filled with either droning machinery or a deep pit set ablaze with blind and senseless indignation about the most menial actions. At times, when I open my mouth, what should be my voice seems to be the mere reverberation of the bear's roar. I can see that when my accidents ignited his furious hellfire I learned how to burn like the demon I saw in his eyes. Even my shadows are the extension of his darkness.
Yet, my past will not erase the future I could have. I have a core somewhere, I am not accepting that I am only a continuous shift of colors anymore. There is a self somewhere in there, the idea has been conceived, I have been formed and am waiting to be born. It's only a matter of arriving to that day. Or, perhaps I was born already, and I need only to learn how to open my eyes and wake from some hazy dream I've been in. Who can walk straight with firm steps when their eyes are closed?
“…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.” ― Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho
IDENTITY DISTURBANCE, FIGHTING AGAINST A SEA WITH MANY WAVES OF EMOTIONS (EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION)
Identity disturbance is a deficiency or inability to maintain one or more major components of identity. Identity is defined differently in social sciences than it is in everyday terminology. According to the APA (American Psychological Association), which is behind the criteria in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), identity is an individual’s sense of self defined by (a) a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person, and (b) a range of affiliations (e.g., ethnicity) and social roles.
A SYMPTOM OF BPD IN THE DIAGNOSTIC STATISTICAL MANUAL (DSM)
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.
b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.
— DSM-V ▶SOURCE (Compares DSM-IV with DSM-V)
THE 4 FACTORS OF IDENTITY DISTURBANCE
1) PAINFUL INCOHERENCE
A subjective and painful sense of lack of coherence comprising feelings of unreality, emptiness, and lack of continuity in the experience of self. ▶SOURCE
2) ROLE ABSORPTION
Patients define themselves in terms of a single role or cause. (For instance, a person might put all of their eggs in one basket: "I'm a dancer" and then everything they are revolves around their idea of how a dancer is or should be.)
An objective incoherence in thought, feeling, and behavior.
4) LACK OF COMMITMENT
e.g., to jobs or values.
"There are many theories about why borderline personality disorder often includes identity disturbances. One is that patients with BPD inhibit emotions, which causes numbness and emptiness. Another theory is that patients with BPD identify fully with the affective state of each moment, leaping from one moment to the next without the continuity of a narrative identity. Meeting criteria for major depressive disorder predicts identity disturbance in BPD patients, and identity disturbance is also correlated with a heightened risk for substance use disorders and high anxiety in adolescents." — ▶SOURCE
A STUDY OF THE COMPONENTS OF IDENTITY DISTURBANCE (CLICK HERE TO READ MORE)
(You will actually have to read them in order to get some of what I wrote.)