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Fe-users how do you deal with private emotions?

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This is a discussion on Fe-users how do you deal with private emotions? within the Cognitive Functions forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; Put them on full blast and jack them up to 120%....

  1. #11
    ENFJ

    Put them on full blast and jack them up to 120%.
    Ashes4719 thanked this post.

  2. #12
    ISFJ

    I either talk with a friend, think/process my thoughts internally (alone), write out my feelings or cry if needed. I think it's healthy to let feelings out so I try to make an outlet for that, always - a lot of times it's a private process as I don't always like 'burdening' others with my feelings. However, if they do ask, I will share, and usually appreciate the opportunity to do so so in a safe way.

  3. #13
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Alright my dude time for me to stop being lazy and do my best to answer this since you wanna hear from xxFJs. I'm ENFJ so I'm a Fe dom so hopefully this shares some light on our thought process.

    How do Fe-users, especially xxFJs deal with their more private emotions?
    It will sound a bit paradoxical but my more private emotions are an open book (assuming that I am aware of them) If I'm being 100% honest as a Fe dom there are many times you don't know how YOU feel about something. Like we intuitively know how OTHERS feel about stuff. In order for that to work Fe doms are blind to how they feel because we are so focused on others.

    I would say Fe doms are only "private" when it is dealing with negative emotions which is a byproduct of inferior Ti. If you are not familiar with how inferior Ti eruptions work we Fe doms are suddenly overcome with a wave of "negativity" (or what we deem negative anyway) Basically instead of always being agreeable (which is default due to dominant Fe) we become critical. It's so foreign to us that we start to freak out about it a little and sometimes even become OVER critical.

    The Fe dom will isolate themselves from others because 1.) they don't wanna be a debbie downer and 2.) so they are "not a burden" and will just stew in their negative thoughts. Fe doms learn about who they are through individuals which is why we often opt for the "group" to guide us. Your view that Fe feel comfortable verbalising their feelings or connecting with a community through shared feelings is accurate. We just look for a group that won't mind the "negativity" that comes with our inferior function. I've witness the lengths a Fe dom will go to be agreeable and let me tell you it's crazy lol Like sometimes something as trivial as a minor disagreement (For example: me NOT liking a movie you enjoyed) will cause this inner turmoil.

    It sounds so stupid typing it out but that's the consequence of having inferior Ti. Like the thought process is literally like "omg I don't like what this person likes so we can't be friends" It's inherently flawed but we do it anyway!!!XD There is a reason Fe doms want other people to answer first so they can mirror what is said. If you wanna mess with a Fe dom and cause them to question their existence literally just go out of your way to disagree with them on everything they say LMAO

    How does a Fe-user feel when their emotions become private and don't share them?
    I don't like my emotions being private enough to not share. I prefer to be an open book and if we are really "cool" then I shouldn't have to hide anything from you. Then main reason I won't share is if it's inappropriate given the setting. For example, I don't think Avengers End Game was that great. So if I'm in a discussion about it and everyone is talking about "how awesome" the movie was I'll be more likely to bite my tongue especially if they don't ask for my opinion. On the flip side if there is a discussion critical of the movie I will share my thoughts on it.

    Same concept for private feelings. Put the Fe user in a group of individuals where their "private emotions" will be well received in the setting and they will likely be MORE willing to share them. If not, they will keep them to themselves.

    How would you differentiate this from a Fi user?
    I'm not an Fi user but I'll take a stab. A Fi user will opt to remain private about their emotions even if the setting promotes that sharing those emotions will be well received. A Fe user will mostly remain private about emotions if the setting does not promote sharing those private emotions and they will be not be received well HOWEVER will opt to share if the setting promotes sharing those emotions and will be received well.
    Jawz, wums, Pensive Fine and 2 others thanked this post.

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  5. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by Pensive Fine View Post
    For those who have Fi, emotions tend to be more private and contained within the individual. Especially with Fi-doms who are often described as 'still waters run deep'. How do Fe-users, especially xxFJs deal with their more private emotions? I want to understand Fe more since I have this view that Fe feel comfortable verbalising their feelings or connecting with a community through shared feelings. How does a Fe-user feel when their emotions become private and don't share them? How would you differentiate this from a Fi user?
    Well, like what other users mentioned about their emotions, I don't like showing when I am sad. I don't like people to see me cry and I don't like when people see my upset or hurt. It's a little unhealthy especially in a relationship but I work on it. I find it hard to discuss things about myself other than superficial details. I like to keep the spotlight/focus on others because that is more comfortable for me. I feel like when people start asking me questions I get awkward and it just makes the scene awkward. I like giving help but have a hard time receiving it. I think this has come off as ungrateful or overally apperciate which just makes it worse haha.

    I think the biggest difference I have seen between a Fi and Fe user is the ability to know your emotions and to articulate them well. I find my self so focused on the environment I don't even know how I am feeling about things. If someone asks me, I have a very hard time explaining them. I feel like Fi users are pretty aware of how things make them feel at all times while Fe users are like oblivious. Also, I am not sure if this is just Fe or any Fx user but I have been consumed by emotions as well. I don't really know how to explain it other then you have this welling of feeling and all you can do it feel it.

    Anyways, that is just my expereince with Fe so far :)
    Pensive Fine thanked this post.

  6. #15
    Unknown

    My private emotions are so private now that I no longer share them on PerC
    Ashes4719 thanked this post.

  7. #16

    Quote Originally Posted by Robert2928 View Post
    Alright my dude time for me to stop being lazy and do my best to answer this since you wanna hear from xxFJs. I'm ENFJ so I'm a Fe dom so hopefully this shares some light on our thought process.

    How do Fe-users, especially xxFJs deal with their more private emotions?
    It will sound a bit paradoxical but my more private emotions are an open book (assuming that I am aware of them) If I'm being 100% honest as a Fe dom there are many times you don't know how YOU feel about something. Like we intuitively know how OTHERS feel about stuff. In order for that to work Fe doms are blind to how they feel because we are so focused on others.

    I would say Fe doms are only "private" when it is dealing with negative emotions which is a byproduct of inferior Ti. If you are not familiar with how inferior Ti eruptions work we Fe doms are suddenly overcome with a wave of "negativity" (or what we deem negative anyway) Basically instead of always being agreeable (which is default due to dominant Fe) we become critical. It's so foreign to us that we start to freak out about it a little and sometimes even become OVER critical.

    The Fe dom will isolate themselves from others because 1.) they don't wanna be a debbie downer and 2.) so they are "not a burden" and will just stew in their negative thoughts. Fe doms learn about who they are through individuals which is why we often opt for the "group" to guide us. Your view that Fe feel comfortable verbalising their feelings or connecting with a community through shared feelings is accurate. We just look for a group that won't mind the "negativity" that comes with our inferior function. I've witness the lengths a Fe dom will go to be agreeable and let me tell you it's crazy lol Like sometimes something as trivial as a minor disagreement (For example: me NOT liking a movie you enjoyed) will cause this inner turmoil.

    It sounds so stupid typing it out but that's the consequence of having inferior Ti. Like the thought process is literally like "omg I don't like what this person likes so we can't be friends" It's inherently flawed but we do it anyway!!!XD There is a reason Fe doms want other people to answer first so they can mirror what is said. If you wanna mess with a Fe dom and cause them to question their existence literally just go out of your way to disagree with them on everything they say LMAO

    How does a Fe-user feel when their emotions become private and don't share them?
    I don't like my emotions being private enough to not share. I prefer to be an open book and if we are really "cool" then I shouldn't have to hide anything from you. Then main reason I won't share is if it's inappropriate given the setting. For example, I don't think Avengers End Game was that great. So if I'm in a discussion about it and everyone is talking about "how awesome" the movie was I'll be more likely to bite my tongue especially if they don't ask for my opinion. On the flip side if there is a discussion critical of the movie I will share my thoughts on it.

    Same concept for private feelings. Put the Fe user in a group of individuals where their "private emotions" will be well received in the setting and they will likely be MORE willing to share them. If not, they will keep them to themselves.

    How would you differentiate this from a Fi user?
    I'm not an Fi user but I'll take a stab. A Fi user will opt to remain private about their emotions even if the setting promotes that sharing those emotions will be well received. A Fe user will mostly remain private about emotions if the setting does not promote sharing those private emotions and they will be not be received well HOWEVER will opt to share if the setting promotes sharing those emotions and will be received well.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashes4719 View Post
    Well, like what other users mentioned about their emotions, I don't like showing when I am sad. I don't like people to see me cry and I don't like when people see my upset or hurt. It's a little unhealthy especially in a relationship but I work on it. I find it hard to discuss things about myself other than superficial details. I like to keep the spotlight/focus on others because that is more comfortable for me. I feel like when people start asking me questions I get awkward and it just makes the scene awkward. I like giving help but have a hard time receiving it. I think this has come off as ungrateful or overally apperciate which just makes it worse haha.

    I think the biggest difference I have seen between a Fi and Fe user is the ability to know your emotions and to articulate them well. I find my self so focused on the environment I don't even know how I am feeling about things. If someone asks me, I have a very hard time explaining them. I feel like Fi users are pretty aware of how things make them feel at all times while Fe users are like oblivious. Also, I am not sure if this is just Fe or any Fx user but I have been consumed by emotions as well. I don't really know how to explain it other then you have this welling of feeling and all you can do it feel it.

    Anyways, that is just my expereince with Fe so far :)
    These insights are gold. I have had a conflict with a friend who I suspect is an xNFJ possibly with a 9 core or 9 fix so/sp. Our friendship was fine until 1 and a half years to two years ago he started spending time with more people and I kind of felt ignored. I would send him a barrage of messages at him that conveyed how I felt (while at the same time trying not to come across as overbearing along with some apologies along with an openness to hear his perspective) but he would rarely reply to them. Around the time I was already suffering from significant depression and anxiety issues so of course I was an unhealthy person who was very needy yet hated myself more being so. We had many talks about the issue in person where he would listen to my perspective but he did not say too much on his friend even though I kept asking for his side of the story. He would say a little bit here and there, how he felt guilty, how he felt he was being a bad friend etc. but he didn't take any significant interest in helping me get back on my feet unless I directly asked him. Perhaps there is a conflict in the different between so/sx and so/sp in which my sx wants intimate connection whilst his sp wanting to guard his energy and distribute more towards being part of a group rather than spending long periods of time with a single person. There was a tug of war of back and forth in our friendship with him being rather conflict-avoidant. We still had talks about more casual topics and some introspective conversations but I could feel the distance creeping in between us. Our friendship ended at the end of last year where I finally had enough of his distance and asked him to share his perspective/his side of the story, only for me to get frustrated that he said "I don't know". Earlier last year when I asked the question he said he wasn't sure and that he didn't know the words to describe how he felt because he wanted it to come out right. If he needed more time to sort out his feelings he should have said so and replied through a text message some time later about how he truly felt. I have stopped talking to him for 4 months but part of my enneagram 4 still longs for his friendship (reminds me of Scarlett O'Hara and her 3w4 longing).

    Based on the information you people have provided I conclude that perhaps he really wasn't sure how he truly felt because as a Fe-user his emotional focus is primarily directed outwards rather than inwards. He was not completely in touch with his feelings and his 9 just made him even more distant from his own personal feelings. I was confused for the longest time because I thought Fe liked to 'talk out their feelings in the external world and tell you directly how they felt' but what you said about Fe-users not paying attention to their own emotion's (and weighing up against their own value system) makes sense. What are your thoughts?
    Yoda and Ashes4719 thanked this post.

  8. #17

    @Pensive Fine - Um it could be a lot of things! I think it is hard to give advice when you don't really know the person or the situation they are in and I don't think someones cognitive functions can always give the best answers. It sounds like he could just have a hard time discussing his feelings or that he didn't want to be friends anymore. I know that last part sounds terrible but I have had similar situations where I was so confused why someone wouldn't get back to me. I just realized that they had other friends that they wanted to connect with more and just didn't feel like taking the time with me. If he is a Fe user that makes sense that he couldn't articulate his feelings but also that he didn't tell you outright that he didn't want to be friends anymore or that he had not come to that conclusion himself yet.

    I have been reading more about cognitive functions lately and have still not really dived into the enneagram or the instinctual variants so I can't give you my take on that. I know you said that you haven't spoken to him in 4 months, but have you heard about him at all? It is odd that he just kind of disappeared because if you guys were very close its odd that he would want to cut that relationship. He could be going through something.

  9. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    My private emotions are so private now that I no longer share them on PerC
    I think you should! I would love to get to know more about you Jawz, you seem like a very personable/interesting person! :)

  10. #19
    ENFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Pensive Fine View Post
    These insights are gold. I have had a conflict with a friend who I suspect is an xNFJ possibly with a 9 core or 9 fix so/sp. Our friendship was fine until 1 and a half years to two years ago he started spending time with more people and I kind of felt ignored. I would send him a barrage of messages at him that conveyed how I felt (while at the same time trying not to come across as overbearing along with some apologies along with an openness to hear his perspective) but he would rarely reply to them. Around the time I was already suffering from significant depression and anxiety issues so of course I was an unhealthy person who was very needy yet hated myself more being so. We had many talks about the issue in person where he would listen to my perspective but he did not say too much on his friend even though I kept asking for his side of the story. He would say a little bit here and there, how he felt guilty, how he felt he was being a bad friend etc. but he didn't take any significant interest in helping me get back on my feet unless I directly asked him. Perhaps there is a conflict in the different between so/sx and so/sp in which my sx wants intimate connection whilst his sp wanting to guard his energy and distribute more towards being part of a group rather than spending long periods of time with a single person. There was a tug of war of back and forth in our friendship with him being rather conflict-avoidant. We still had talks about more casual topics and some introspective conversations but I could feel the distance creeping in between us. Our friendship ended at the end of last year where I finally had enough of his distance and asked him to share his perspective/his side of the story, only for me to get frustrated that he said "I don't know". Earlier last year when I asked the question he said he wasn't sure and that he didn't know the words to describe how he felt because he wanted it to come out right. If he needed more time to sort out his feelings he should have said so and replied through a text message some time later about how he truly felt. I have stopped talking to him for 4 months but part of my enneagram 4 still longs for his friendship (reminds me of Scarlett O'Hara and her 3w4 longing).

    Based on the information you people have provided I conclude that perhaps he really wasn't sure how he truly felt because as a Fe-user his emotional focus is primarily directed outwards rather than inwards. He was not completely in touch with his feelings and his 9 just made him even more distant from his own personal feelings. I was confused for the longest time because I thought Fe liked to 'talk out their feelings in the external world and tell you directly how they felt' but what you said about Fe-users not paying attention to their own emotion's (and weighing up against their own value system) makes sense. What are your thoughts?
    Hey, I'm ENFJ too, was my description too vague? *Grabs that ass*

  11. #20
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashes4719 View Post
    I think you should! I would love to get to know more about you Jawz, you seem like a very personable/interesting person! :)
    That phase of self-expression on PerC is well behind me and tbh, it's a good thing :)
    Ashes4719 thanked this post.


     
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