Personality Cafe banner

Shadow Love/Attraction

149K views 385 replies 243 participants last post by  thedazzlingdexter 
#1 · (Edited)
While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.

ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.

So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.

Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".

 

Attachments

See less See more
2
#99 ·
Sorry, doesn't work for me. NTJ, yes, I certainly get on well with them, although not sure what my two previous serious relationships actually were. Almost all the important people in my life though, including my husband of 15 years and the friend I have been close to since were both 10, are NFJ. I don't "get" sensors on any deep level. Really I don't think I could consider a relationship with one.
 
#103 ·
Hmmmm....I still have trouble deciding INFP and INTP. So I think I would organize interests into two categories.

As INFP:

NFJs:

There was one person who I hypothesized was an NFJ (mostly because my friend told me that she actually appreciated my help with study work) that I was pretty attracted too.

STPs:

No real person in general but I did find Lightning from Final Fantasy 13 rather attractive.

As INTP:

NTJ:

There is an ENTJ in one of my classes, which I did felt attraction to because she seemed so clean cut and professional compared to other people at our school.

SFPs:

I have no clue.
 
#106 ·
My shadow functions are Ni Fe Ti Se- in that order. I know I cannot be with a person in that order. I am not attracted. However, the two people that robbed my soul were ENFJ (Fe Ni Se Ti) and ISTP (Ti Se Ni Fe). So perhaps if I jumble up the order, it's okay and supports your theory.

I was married to the ENFJ and later I had a long-term relationship with an ISTP. However, I often say that I don't think I was ever physically attracted to my ENFJ, but we managed to stay together for 8 years and have a child. But I think that was also a time when I was searching for a man who could also make a great father, so back then marriage wasn't really about physical attraction. I chose a mate on a more methodical basis.

But if we are talking about pure physical attraction, loss of control, weak in the knees attraction and heavy broken heart after break up- ISTP. In fact I didn't know what physical attraction was until I met the ISTP.

Then that opened me up to experience an INTJ (Ni Te Si Fe), and there was physical attraction and we did say we loved each other. However, relationship wasn't long enough for me to say it was deep as the above two were.

So for me, the pattern looks like this: Don't have my "critical parent" shadow function (Fe) as your dominant or auxiliary function and I will be attracted to you.

 
#107 ·
Okay, I need to come back to this because now that I have found my true type....
My first love who I saw as my soulmate - I am guessing he was INFP because he was very in touch with his emotions and he could read me very easily, he also liked quiet time and he wasn't much of a long term planner, he took things as they come along - he also had a tendency to feel 'low' a lot.
I cannot see myself with an ESTJ, because I think of my big sister who is very likely an ESTJ and we just don't get on, we do but we couldn't live under the same roof, same with my mum too. My whole family I am guessing from the way they behave they are ALL SJs, except my dad who is very likely an SP - he is definitely a man of few words which I find communicating with him very challenging.

Overall I think I would definitely prefer someone who is an 'N' just IRL 'S' don't seem to understand my imagination and ideas, but then I guess 'S' would help me stay in touch with reality and keep me grounded. I just know that I don't like to be told how I should be or ought to be.
 
#108 ·
I was married to an ENFP for six years, an amazing connection at first, but I think we were both too passive and nothing ever got done, so it eventually went wrong.

Im currently with an ESTP, and same, an immediate connection, it feels as if Ive known him longer than I actually have. Its feels completely different to what i felt for my ENFP ex though, I think it could grow into something that could last a lot longer. He brings me out of myself, and I think he likes my calmness, if that makes sense :happy:

sparkly x
 
#110 ·
I am still trying to convince the two loves of my life to take the MBTI test. The only thing I can say is my last exboyfriend is an INTJ (yes! I manage to convince him to take the test, after we broke up though...) and I love him to bits, even thought I don't want a relationship with him.

Me and him met at work, and for the first 8 months we kind of hated each other, he seemed sooo different to me, but one day it happened that we started going out and I could see the other side of an INTJ, the sweetest thing in this world!!
 
#111 ·
INxP, generally speaking. But the INTPs are emotional Ts. Two INTPs is an amazing and really interesting relationship. It can be pretty consuming, though. From what I've seen, thinking women cry and thinking men don't. Maybe it's a matter of what you cry about, not the act of crying or not crying. Wouldn't a person who believed the world should just naturally be rational have more to cry about? Mind you, I've generally tried on the types like they were dresses at Bloomies, but INTP was what I got when I first took the test at the age of 10. I guess the key is that when I have an emotion, I try to find the reason for it and get frustrated when I can't.
 
#113 ·
I've dated and loved an ISFP and ESTJ...... but I'll say that my relationship with the ESTJ had much more depth to it. It was a great relationship, honestly, until he lost interest and motivation to be with me.

My best friend I'm pretty sure is ISTJ and another good friend of mine that I've known all my life is ENFP.... so those with my one ex holds up to the theory.
I seem to still always be attracted to SPs though for some reason.... maybe its just because they're so fun and different from myself...
 
#114 ·
Doesn't seem to work for me. The guy I was really into throughout most of high school (and who is still one of my best friends) is an ESFP. He remains to this day one of the very few people I can actually chat with for hours on end without wanting to go crawl in a hole at the end of it.

And I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing to bet large amounts of money (that I don't have) that my boyfriend/love of my life is an ISTJ. We're almost complete opposites and we can have a really difficult time communicating most of the time... but I love him anyway. I think he's everything I wish I could be. (Not that I'm not glad to be me, but it's easy to see the faults in your personality type while putting another's good points on a pedestal.)

And that's it. Those are the only two real romances I've had (and one of them was one-sided, to boot). I'm probably some kind of weird anomaly though - I tend to be. (Or I just go for who I want, compatibility be damned!)
 
#115 ·
I don't know much about this shadow theory....

all i know is that I have a deep attraction to ISTPs... they seem to like me too. it might be because i have a very developed E and F side [although I am always a true ISTJ]

I used to go for ISFPs as well, but decided that I prefer a T to an F after much miscommunication


I have never really encountered an ESTP though.... I greatly look forward to it too because I feel like we'd get along. I'm just wary over the high-energy of an extrovert to be in a relationship with one, but I guess I won't know until I meet one


hope this helps
 
#116 ·
trust me. If you find yourself a true ESTP (assuming he is mature) then you will be very happy. We tend to be very laid back in the presence of an ISTJ. You are the perfect match for us.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Frannyy
#117 ·
i am an infj with a long time estp friend. i enjoy his company and there are things in him i appreciate but sometimes i find him rather insufferable -- he can be short sighted, he overdoes things, is at times overly concerned with one-upping people, and sometimes i can't help but feel like i might be used in some way, for example as part of one of his "conquests". i do value him as a friend and i think he does genuinely value my friendship as well, but the factors mentioned make me feel like our friendship could only ever go so far, at least on my end.

so i dunno about the shadow attraction theory...but it could be because he is just not a fully balanced or mature estp. and at the end of the day he has stuck around longer than most of the other friends i have had in my life.
 
#118 ·
If you are an INFJ then ESTP is not your match. Did you read my theory? INFJ and ESTP are only matches in Socionics duality which I am not covering.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Katie Tran
#119 ·
i don't particularly care for stj's because they don't get me. we usually end up fighting and getting angry with eachother because we communicate so differently. stj's are usually attracted to me at first, and as time goes on and they see that i was everything that i told them i was they change their mind. it's not really a big loss since i usually don't have a whole lot of feelings for them in the first place, but i do make an attempt to steer clear of stj's.
 
#122 ·
ENTJ-Te Ni Se Fi---Ti Ne Si Fe-INTP
INTJ -Ni Te Fi Se---Ne Ti Fe Si-ENTP
ESFP-Se Fi Te Ni---Si Fe Ti Ne-ISFJ
ISFP -Fi Se Ni Te---Fe Si Ne Ti-ESFJ

So I looked at my Function preference and the preferences of other types that share all my cognitive functions and contrasted them to the shadow types. The only girl I've dated that I know has tested is an ENFJ though, so I'm not really sure if this theory is accurate to me or not. lets see, enfj is Fe Ni Se Ti well, that's about 50/50 although, since her shadow function is Te which I exemplify in my life, that might have something to do with why she dumped me :blushed:
 
#124 ·
Im not sure if i can say this theory is consistent for me. I've fallen quite strongly for my ENTJ friend whom i've known about two and a half years now. She's rejected me, in a blunt, yet kind enough, fashion. We're still good friends. There is only one lover type relationship in which i can say i actually experienced legitimate true love. Another INFP. It was a truly euphoric experience. The reason it ended i suspect was that we were not complementary enough. We had all the same weaknesses.
 
#126 · (Edited)
Well, I am an ENFJ and my spouse is an ISTP. We didn't know this until years into the relationship.

I think we were attracted to the things we wished we had, and saw in one another. For example, my husband is calm and spot on in a crisis. But that very quality represented security for me. I also knew he was intelligent and would go places in life. In turn, he loved my body.:shocked: (Ha, ha, ha!!:laughing:) Just keeping it real to what men are first attracted to..the visual.(wink) But AFTER that...he loved my nurturing side and sense of humor.

Through the years, he's helped me not be so anal with the "J" side of life, and I've helped him not dread responsibility or see it as a prison or death sentence. He has gone far in his career, but...he wouldn't be where he is today without me, and he'd tell anybody that. I typed up and mailed in his resume. The "go getter" side of me, helped him get over his pessimism. However; I saw his high intelligence and knew he wasn't being utilized to his max and he was depressed in his former job. I felt bad for him having to work a job he despised. At his current job he's flourished and moved up the ranks fast. I believed in him, when he didn't believe in himself...but once his foot was in the door, HE gets all the credit from that point.

Overall....it's worked. We are coming up on 19 years now. I won't say it's been a bed of roses, but I've thought about this subject too. Especially after eharmony came out you know? Knowing darn well, had either of us used that, we would never have been paired.

I can say both of us did come into the relationship with the 'better or worse' mentality. And trust me, we've seen both and have had legal cause for divorce. But we have children and a life, and I think that mutual belief.....has kept us together more than anything, including personality discrepancies.

When you marry your shadow type, it's definitely "iron sharpening iron" as the bible speaks about. Either it's going to be two people who shred each other to bits, or two people who say, "Hey, we fit like a puzzle!" and use that as an advantage.
 
#128 · (Edited)
wow. INFJ, ENFJ and 2 ISTPs for me. fits the shadow attraction theory quite nicely!
i think it's really just attraction not so much compatibility, especially with STPs. the only one i really felt compatible with was the ENFJ, however, i could easily get bored of his constant need to talk and him being overbearing. but since perfection doesn't really exist i guess the ENFJ was closest to perfect in terms of compatibility. it's weird though that compatibility feels kind of boring to me. even though i know i connect the N types better, sensors, especially ISTPs and ESTPs just have this magnetic pull.
 
#129 ·
This theory gets weirder and weirder in its extreme truthiness as time goes on.

I still love me some INTJs, but I'm currently...uh...flirting around with an apparent ISFP. I doubted it could ever happen when I first saw this whole deal with shadow attraction ("Me? With an xSFP? Naw..."), but, well, here I am...

Zoinks! :shocked:

(Granted, he may well be an ISTP, but he tests as an ISFP, so I dunno. It's a tough call.)
 
#130 ·
Considering I wrote the theory should there be any doubt in it awesomeness??
 
  • Like
Reactions: agokcen
#131 ·
Well I think my INFJ is really an ISTP so now there's a ***** in your theory, despite your awesomeness.Lol.

Perhaps it also has to do with where we are developmentally as far as functions? In my 20s I dated NFs and even married one. In my 30s and having my tertiary fully kicked in, I am more attracted to T types for sure.

There is no way I could be with my shadow (INFJ) now in my 30s. And that's affirmative. Case is not still open. Decision is made. But I think it would have worked in my 20s for a bit. In fact I think my first engagement was to an INFJ (I was engaged 3x). But I was so completely different then and my taste in men were completely different.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top