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Shadow Love/Attraction

149K views 385 replies 243 participants last post by  thedazzlingdexter 
#1 · (Edited)
While having lunch with my co-worker the other day the topic of cognitive functions came up. Eventually we started discussing the shadow functions that have been popularized by John Beebe. I have been intrigued in general by cognitive functions and have looked into them a bit more for the last few months. Studying a persons cognitive functions says a lot more about them then their MBTI does. While they are both related, the cognitive better explains why people get the percentages of each letter they get. Near the end of the meal I started thinking about what types shared my shadows but as their four main functions. What i found was quite interesting.

ESTP has the functions Se Ti Fe Ni and the shadow are Si Te Fi Ne. While checking out the cognitive functions I was quite shocked at what I found. The four types that use the ESTP shadow functions were ESTJ, ISTJ, INFP and ENFP. The commonality you see is STJ and NFP. This significance for me was nothing short of profound. I have had three women who I can say I have been truly in love with in my 36 years. My ex-wife who is an ENFP and two girls after the marriage (ESTJ and INFP). The only one lacking is an ISTJ, but I did meet one and I admit to having strong desires for her. Given time it too might have blossomed into more deep relation. Could this be a coincidence? I really have a hard time thinking it is. My relationships with these women went beyond mere infatuation and sexual attraction. I still think of all four even now.

So this brings up a few questions. First and foremost; is this just a fluke? Would the relationships really last or is it a fleeting infatuation. Can I date other MBTI types and really love them as much and in the same way? To really prove this theory correct I need more data and that means you! In order to do this correctly though you will need to tell me the people you love and their types. If they have not taken the test then please ask them to take it. No guessing! I can say my ex-wife falls into three of hers just as I did. She (ENFP) has loved an ESTP (me), ISTP and INFJ.

Remember this is a theory and most important I am not saying you can't love any MBTI type no matter what type you are. I am just pointing out (For better or worse) that I am attracted to my shadows. I truly believe of the 4 shadow mates I would be best off with ESTJ and ISTJ purely due to the sensing. That said there is no doubting the powerful draw I have to all four types. To help you all out I created a handy chart to connect you to your possible "soul mates".

 

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#2 ·
I'm not sure what's my first ex type, I guess he might be an ENTP. I am sooo over him completely. And the second ex was INTJ. I still miss him sometimes.



 
#4 ·
I must say I like the idea of this theory. It seems to work for me, at any rate. I've been attracted to and fallen in love with many NFPs, and I find I am attracted to ESTJs despite my preference for NF. I'm not sure I can classify many/any girls I've met as ISTJ, so it's hard to tell on that one.

Amended: I actually did date an ISTJ. Fancy that!
 
#5 ·
Awesome EvilByte we have another satisfied customer!


Remember everyone that this is not about who you date. I have date lots of women but I have loved but a few. They are the ones I am interested in. You could have also had a secret crush on someone for a longtime and not done anything about it. This is important as well.
 
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#22 ·
Remember everyone that this is not about who you date. I have date lots of women but I have loved but a few. They are the ones I am interested in.
As for MBTI type and those who I've truly loved in the past: There have been only two real true loves in my past and I'd say they were ESFP and ISFP (btw - neither of these refer to my ex-husband, an ISTJ whom I never really connected to).

My boyfriend, who is the love of my life, has typed as an INTP, but also as an ISFP.

I would have to do more research on the cognitive functions and our shadow types to see what this means...

Interesting theory.
 
#6 ·
My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.
 
#7 ·
The theory is interesting, but I don't think it works just right for me. I haven't been in a lot of relationships though, so maybe that's the problem :)

As an NTP I never find myself romantically interested in NTJs or SFPs.

While I like NTJs as friends, I have never found myself attracted to the personality of any NTJ female I know. I'd find NTJs too bull-headed in a relationships. That Te grinds me personally, maybe other ENTPs feel differently.

SFPs are just too foreign to me. We can entertain each other for a bit. I only have one close SFP friend, and it took over 10 years to get close to them.

I find myself interested in NTPs, NFPs, and INFJs. NTPs and NFPs have that Ne connection that's so strong. That's not really the case with INFJs, but I find that the strong N backed up with Ti works. You need a mature ENTP with a developed Fe, otherwise they'll grate the INFJ.
 
#8 ·
I find it tough with NTPs, the ones I know well are extremely picky and even thought they want to date always find a reason to drop him. The INTP friend is currently dating an ESFJ (borderline P). So far so good as they just celebrated their 1st anniversary.

Also, you do need a lot of relationships to find out if this works. The only other way would be to put yourself into a room full of SFP and NTJ and see what happens. Like I mentioned in my theory this is about attraction. I firmly believe that you would always be better off with intuitive if you are an intuitive (in the long run). Any relationship can work with any personality type though, it just might take more effort.

My deepest connections in my life, with lovers, husband or friends, the kind of connections that I cannot push away or deny and that seem to last a lifetime, have occurred due to something I cannot explain (feels otherworldy to me) and I think The Cause has very little to do with MBTI or functions or shadows. Those relationships occurred, it feels like, because it was Destiny. I'm thinking of my bestest, bestest, bestest girlfriend right now - she appeared, there was an immediate connection and the relationship has sustained itself without any work. It just happens, like it was meant to be.
I am happy you have a wonderful friend but I don't believe in destiny. :happy:
 
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#9 ·
The relationships i had that turned into something serious were INTP and ESTP.
I guess Im a sucker for fe and ti.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
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#10 ·
I loved an ESTP wayy more than I should have once. It wasn't normal, it was like an obsession. I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was crazy. I liked him so much because he could be logical when I couldn't, and just kinda had this attitude like he was free and didn't care about anything. It's kinda hard to talk about, but...just for the sake of the experiment.
 
#11 ·
You can talk about it if you want :) I will be adding you and Leila to the "it works" category.
 
#12 ·
Yeah, even as a theory of attraction, not compatibility, it doesn't work for me. Though it might just be me :)

I was going to propose that maybe some types/people are attracted to their shadows and some aren't, but I'm not attracted to ISFJs, even if they have the same shadow functions as I do, so that made me doubtful.

Good luck! :D
 
#14 · (Edited)
Well that is not in my case and I don't think it is in Alizée's case either. Regarding NTPs we won't know if you are right until we get more data.

TreeBob, it also might have something to do with life experiences. Say if you went through some bad life experiences, you might be more likely to be attracted to your shadow types. Just to give you another possibility.
This isn't my case at all/ I have dated my shadow types all throughout my life.
 
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#16 ·
Are yo saying you had one ex and it was an INFJ or this is the one you loved more than any?

I am not looking necessarily all girlfriends. Just the ones you were extremely attracted to. This theory isn't specifically about whether the type combination below are the BEST FIT just the most attractive or felt the most love.
 
#18 ·
Oh for sure there are other types more like yourself. This is attraction to your cognitive opposites.
 
#24 ·
TreeBob,

I totally agree with this theory. Did you come up with it? I would love to read more about this.

For me personally I've found this to be totally true in my life. I'm definitely most attracted to STPs and NFJs. Actually, I don't recognize ever coming in contact with an INFJ but I imagine I would be interested in them. I would definitely be interested in that Antonio Sabato guy from the soap operas and I think he's typed as an INFJ (my personal thoughts after watching his reality show "My Antonio"). I'm also really attracted to ENFJs.

But on the other hand I'm also equally attracted, if not more so to STPs. I've been in a 3 year relationship with an ISTP and I'm absolutely crazy about him. Don't get me wrong, we go through major crap at times, but he is undoubtedly the love of my life. We're never going to stop dealing with eachother, were like magnets. I'm also very attracted to ESTPs but would be scared to date one because I always think of them as ladies men who probably cheat. :sad:
 
#25 ·
Well I am glad to hear you say this! Honestly the cheating is a stereotype. I mean everyone can cheat. I think and ESTP would cheat if they were completely unhappy but even then I don't know... I was in a relationship for 17 years and was unhappy for a lot of it and I didn't.

The important thing is you agree with my theory. I just came up with it a couple days before I posted it. Right now I am trying to get as many people to provide data as possible. One of the major problems with this forum is age. They are so young here that most don't have a lot to go on. Also, many people think my theory has to mean they have successful relations with my love types. I don't really know what it means. I just no it works for me. I want my 4 types bad! :crazy:
 
#26 ·
ISTJ (that relationship would have been toxic, and that type scares me now)
ENFP (not good)
ENFJ (intriguing, frustrating, satisfying, not satisfying). He's like a fisherman: cast, capture, release; cast, capture, release. The ISTJ was a lot like that as well. Hmmm...ENFJ/ISTJ...guess it's just me.

I suck at finding the right person for me, and I think the reason is because of:

1) my idealism - which I'm getting pretty sick of
2) my difficulty in telling a suitor to hit the road (can't be hurting their ego, now can we?)
 
#27 ·
I just found this thread, and the idea is so INTRIGUING! I'd also like to know more about it.....
While I have been infatuated with and attracted to so many different people of whom I don't
know the personality types, the only ones I have ever really loved are an
ESTJ and an
ENFP/INFP

this is not much proof, but it perfectly fits to this theory! I'm really fascinated......!
because those two mentioned above are so different, but the only ones I really loved,
and I'm thinking about both often still.
 
#28 ·
Well I aim to please ;) We can discuss anytime, just msg me.
 
#29 ·
I don't really know what to say about myself...
the only person you could say I've ever really had an "infatuation" with was ISFP, but it was one of those things that was just me being blind, and when I woke up a few months later I was so over it. Thankfully, I never did act on it.
I do like INTPs in general, though =)

Other than that, though, this SO holds true for others I've seen. My friend (an INFJ) had a pretty intense relationship with one of my other friends (INFP), and when it was over, heartbreaking for both, he "went after" her ESTJ sister. That one wasn't so thorough of a relationship from his side, although she had been totally infatuated for a while.

talk about drama.
 
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#31 ·
No idea how I fell into this old(ish) thread, but there isn't harm in replying now is there? :proud: (Seriously, is there? I know some forums are strict on things like this. >.>)

For me the theory is half right. The two I've always had the strongest compatibility and attraction to are STPs and NTJs. This compatibility isn't limited to romantic relationships, but all of my relationships in general as well.

Although, I can relate very much to NFJs there seems to be something missing. Not only do I feel hardly any romantic draw to them, but even as friends we tend to fade a little. There isn't anything off putting about them, but the draw just isn't there. I wish I could explain this better.

As for the NTJ "abnormality", I've always attributed our compatibility to the shared Te/Fi. The same thing seems to occur for NTPs and NFJs with their shared Ti/Fe.

Of course, not everyone is going to relate to any relationship/attraction theory all of the time so you could just push my anomaly aside and put another person down as agreeing. :proud:
 
#32 ·
This forum doesn't have an issue with old threads coming up. I especially am happy you brought mine up. I am quite happy having people not agree with my theory as long as they have data backing them up. Since I made the theory over my lunch break I am sure it has holes :crazy:


It is interesting that you are also attracted to xSTPs.
 
#33 ·
I like SP's as friends (all of the people I hang out with are artisans) but I'm not sure a romantic relationship would work between us - it's that N/S difference that would really kill any flame in such a relationship for me.

But XNFJ shadows? Sign me up! I don't think I have ever met one...
 
#34 ·
As I mentioned in my post. I don't know if I would be able to hold onto a relationship with an NFP either. I know that the better type for me is STJ.
 
#36 ·
This is an interesting theory. I have been very drawn to ENFJs and certain kinds of ISTPs, who have opposite functions from me. I tend to find them extremely attractive almost immediately. I always felt that the ENFJ functions were very complementary to mine because they are just an inverse. It's like me turned inside out :laughing:.

I tend to draw a certain kind of ESTP, but I don't usually respond to them. I could see it with the right individual, but I admit, I am wary about those guys.... I feel like it would start off with a bang and then fizzle out.

INFJs seem cool, but not sure a romance would work (we might both be too passive).

However, outside of ENFJs and ISTPs, I really like INTPs and often click with them in person. I also tend to draw ISTJs, although I mostly like them as just friends.

I always thought that ESTJs were my shadow, because we have the same functions is opposite order. They feel like my true opposite, and I tend to not interact much with them.
 
#37 ·
Hmm... My ex is an ENFJ and we fought, bickered, ignored, and barely tolerated each other. To this day I still grind my teeth when I think of him. Kind of hard to move on when he can't get the house out of my name. Sigh.

The best relationship I had so far was with an ISTP... I think it's because he understood my thought process and being an I, when I wanted to go out with girl friends, he was perfectly content staying home. Whereas, the ENFJ I dated got ticked off that I wanted to go out for a girl's night without him.

My best friend is an INTJ and I'm pretty sure if we were both single I'd date him... We've never argued once in the five years we've known each other. It seems like for me I just don't mesh well with Fs.
 
#38 ·
My theory with shadow relationships is that, whatever kind there may be, there will be sparks. I call then "dynamic relationships."

In every shadow relationship (friendship or otherwise) that I have observed/had, there has been either strong connection, strong repulsion, or a very short, hot connection followed by the second Ice Age.

I personally think this chart is easier to follow...

 
#50 ·
OK somehow I totally missed this post. Nice...
 
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