INFP with a massive crush on an ENFJ!!!! Help!!

INFP with a massive crush on an ENFJ!!!! Help!!

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This is a discussion on INFP with a massive crush on an ENFJ!!!! Help!! within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; So a little backstory; this ENFJ and I (an INFP) are long distance friends, and have been for about 3 ...

  1. #1

    INFP with a massive crush on an ENFJ!!!! Help!!

    So a little backstory; this ENFJ and I (an INFP) are long distance friends, and have been for about 3 years now. When we first met, she apparently enjoyed my company so much she asked for my number via Facebook after she went home. She thought I was really interesting and funny because of how different I was from her. She’s been telling me forever how great of a person and friend I am to her and that she’ll always be there to support me and be there for me, no matter what I happen to do. in her words, we’re friends because “opposites attract”. She’s wore the sweater I sent to her for her birthday as a good luck charm for a major exam she had, sent me postcards, and makes the occasional post about me on her Instagram (though she doesn’t really use it too much, nor do I)

    And we used to text everyday but that has slowed down since we’ve gotten older and been saddled with more responsibilities

    And I definitely definitely can say that I have a massive crush on her

    People around me have told me that she has a thing for me, but I don’t know if I can believe them...

    Anyway, when she flew back here (alone) to the states a while ago for my graduation, we ran into an issue. I didn't act like the same person I was over text and she didn't like that too much.

    I’m the kind of person that splits himself into his “social self” and his “private self” and for the 2+ years she and I were texting back and forth, I 99% of the time only showed her my private self. I didn’t have to hide how sensitive I was via humor or make any crude jokes in order to get along with her. Everything felt so natural with her, so...easy. She really got me to be myself when I was talking to her.

    So, she came to visit in person, and 99% of the time that we were in the vincity of each other, I had my social self out because that’s the way I interact and connect with my friends. My closer friends already know this about me though.

    But, she didn’t. And seeing me act like a totally different person then the one she got to know after all this time via really frustrated her. She was clearly paying close attention to me and how I acted with my friends and that bugged her. In her words, she just couldn’t understand how such an amazing, funny, sweet, caring, smart, and lovable guy could be....well, not that in person. And she “really really liked” the person I was over text. But she had reasonable expectations for me that I didn’t meet (like sitting next to her without being prompted to) and that deeply upset her.

    So, for the two weeks she spent in my city, she more or less gave me the cold shoulder because she didn’t know what else to do. She felt like she couldn’t just confront me on it because she was deeply afraid of hurting my feelings because she didn’t know how I’d take it. So instead, she talked to a really close friend of mine for advice on dealing with me. Keep in mind, the only way she knew this person before she came to visit was because I told ENFJ about her. So, ENFJ was essentially talking to a stranger for advice on me.

    After some encouragement from my friend, ENFJ and I sat down and talked out everything, and that’s how I found out about why she was ignoring me.


    She told me that she was sad and upset about the way I acted because she knows my social self is just a dumb facade to keep people away (she’s right about that) and she wished that I would open myself up more so people could see just how amazing I am.

    After she went home, in my best effort to apologize again, I sent her two apology letters in which I explained myself to the best of my ability and apologized for my actions.

    But, we had a conversation recently about how "nice" of a person she is. She told me that it can be a burden because people can misunderstand her intentions and she feels bad letting people down that think she's romantically interested in them.

    That last part feels like it could apply to me but I can't tell at all. I'd appreciate some outside insight.

    The thing is with ENFJ is that she is a huge flirt and is indeed kind to everybody, so it’s very easy for guys to misunderstand her actions.

    That being said, she seems to have issues commiting herself to a crush/budding romantic relationship (at least that’s what I think based on what she tells me). She either loses interest in them because their values don’t match, they’re assholes, or she doesn’t want “ruin their friendship by dating”. It’s been a common running theme with her for years.

    I plan on telling her how I feel next summer, when I go visit her and can tell her face-to-face how I feel about her. I’ll be staying with her and her family (via her suggestion) so if i get rejected it’s going to be awkward as all hell.


    But, does she like me? Are my friends right about her liking me or is this just an “ENFJs are just really friendly” thing



  2. #2

    You got prioritized at some point in time so why not? We cant say for sure though so just be prepared with all possible outcomes.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by agodofhisownworld View Post
    really frustrated her.
    And I understand why. ENFJs want stability in their lives. People who could provide such stability is a priority. You acting like two different people could've dissapoint her if she ever was interested in you more than in a friend.

    Another problem is:

    this ENFJ and I (an INFP) are long distance friends
    Being long distance friends doesn't bring any confidence in a romantic kind of way. A partner should bring confidence.

    And we used to text everyday but that has slowed down since we’ve gotten older and been saddled with more responsibilities
    Or she's got tired of waiting for you making the next step if she ever liked you.

    But, we had a conversation recently about how "nice" of a person she is. She told me that it can be a burden because people can misunderstand her intentions and she feels bad letting people down that think she's romantically interested in them.

    That last part feels like it could apply to me but I can't tell at all.
    It's probably a hint. Even if she was interested in you, she's probably dissapointed now. ENFJs don't forget dissapointment. I'd suggest to move on. Don't ignore her, be friendly like with anyone else, but nothing more.

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  5. #4
    ENFJ

    Poor woman.

    I think you have to realize your responsibility. The last thing a woman likes is what seems like dishonesty or lack of confidence.

    I personally wouldn't advise anyone to get into a long distance relationship. I don't see why you would wait until next summer to see a woman, when you can just go outside and meet one tonight. I also don't think this has to do with your so called public display. Because I would imagine at any time you could've pulled her to the side and spend time with her exclusively, especially since she was there to see you.

    If you must work this out, treat her like a real person. Meaning, stop texting/emailing and talk to her with your real voice.

    Seems she's lost all interest and is giving you reasons to gently let you down. I would do the above and nothing else.

  6. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by agodofhisownworld View Post
    So a little backstory; this ENFJ and I (an INFP) are long distance friends, and have been for about 3 years now. When we first met, she apparently enjoyed my company so much she asked for my number via Facebook after she went home. She thought I was really interesting and funny because of how different I was from her. She’s been telling me forever how great of a person and friend I am to her and that she’ll always be there to support me and be there for me, no matter what I happen to do. in her words, we’re friends because “opposites attract”. She’s wore the sweater I sent to her for her birthday as a good luck charm for a major exam she had, sent me postcards, and makes the occasional post about me on her Instagram (though she doesn’t really use it too much, nor do I)

    And we used to text everyday but that has slowed down since we’ve gotten older and been saddled with more responsibilities

    And I definitely definitely can say that I have a massive crush on her

    People around me have told me that she has a thing for me, but I don’t know if I can believe them...

    Anyway, when she flew back here (alone) to the states a while ago for my graduation, we ran into an issue. I didn't act like the same person I was over text and she didn't like that too much.

    I’m the kind of person that splits himself into his “social self” and his “private self” and for the 2+ years she and I were texting back and forth, I 99% of the time only showed her my private self. I didn’t have to hide how sensitive I was via humor or make any crude jokes in order to get along with her. Everything felt so natural with her, so...easy. She really got me to be myself when I was talking to her.

    So, she came to visit in person, and 99% of the time that we were in the vincity of each other, I had my social self out because that’s the way I interact and connect with my friends. My closer friends already know this about me though.

    But, she didn’t. And seeing me act like a totally different person then the one she got to know after all this time via really frustrated her. She was clearly paying close attention to me and how I acted with my friends and that bugged her. In her words, she just couldn’t understand how such an amazing, funny, sweet, caring, smart, and lovable guy could be....well, not that in person. And she “really really liked” the person I was over text. But she had reasonable expectations for me that I didn’t meet (like sitting next to her without being prompted to) and that deeply upset her.

    So, for the two weeks she spent in my city, she more or less gave me the cold shoulder because she didn’t know what else to do. She felt like she couldn’t just confront me on it because she was deeply afraid of hurting my feelings because she didn’t know how I’d take it. So instead, she talked to a really close friend of mine for advice on dealing with me. Keep in mind, the only way she knew this person before she came to visit was because I told ENFJ about her. So, ENFJ was essentially talking to a stranger for advice on me.

    After some encouragement from my friend, ENFJ and I sat down and talked out everything, and that’s how I found out about why she was ignoring me.


    She told me that she was sad and upset about the way I acted because she knows my social self is just a dumb facade to keep people away (she’s right about that) and she wished that I would open myself up more so people could see just how amazing I am.

    After she went home, in my best effort to apologize again, I sent her two apology letters in which I explained myself to the best of my ability and apologized for my actions.

    But, we had a conversation recently about how "nice" of a person she is. She told me that it can be a burden because people can misunderstand her intentions and she feels bad letting people down that think she's romantically interested in them.

    That last part feels like it could apply to me but I can't tell at all. I'd appreciate some outside insight.

    The thing is with ENFJ is that she is a huge flirt and is indeed kind to everybody, so it’s very easy for guys to misunderstand her actions.

    That being said, she seems to have issues commiting herself to a crush/budding romantic relationship (at least that’s what I think based on what she tells me). She either loses interest in them because their values don’t match, they’re assholes, or she doesn’t want “ruin their friendship by dating”. It’s been a common running theme with her for years.

    I plan on telling her how I feel next summer, when I go visit her and can tell her face-to-face how I feel about her. I’ll be staying with her and her family (via her suggestion) so if i get rejected it’s going to be awkward as all hell.


    But, does she like me? Are my friends right about her liking me or is this just an “ENFJs are just really friendly” thing
    Lol, I think I am in your shoes at the moment. Im an INFP guy who just recently reconnected with a ENFJ girl I liked 3 years ago. Its pretty much a long distance friendship... and I was going to confess to her a few days ago but I decided not to. Everything changed in these couple years... I haven't seen her in real life for so long... I believe like long distance is not a good foundation to start a relationship between feelers because of the automatic put on of public self vs our private self.
    itll be better if we saw eachother on a frequent basis and start a relationship from there right from the beginning.


     

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