[ENFJ] Hoping to Gain Insight from other ENFJs on my predicament

Hoping to Gain Insight from other ENFJs on my predicament

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  • 1 Post By Fohra
  • 2 Post By Westy365

This is a discussion on Hoping to Gain Insight from other ENFJs on my predicament within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey everyone, never thought I would actually make a post. I have a predicament that I am currently encountering and ...

  1. #1

    Bit Long but looking from help from ENFJs

    Hey everyone, never thought I would actually make a post. I have a predicament that I am currently encountering and would love to gain insight on what may have happened and what I should do moving forward.

    I'm: [INFP]
    She's: [ENFJ]

    So a few weeks ago I met this wonderful women on a dating site. I initiated the conversation after viewing her profile because there was just some special charm to the profile unlike others I've seen. It radiated warmth, was about her daily lives, and well I just wanted to get to know the person. At the same time though she lives on the other side of the state and knowing this I was a little hesitant that and well I always thought I would prefer someone of similar ethnic background as me. She messaged back and well this was 4 AM in the morning for me and 7 AM her time. She works night shift as a nurse and was trying to head to sleep but apparently the storm that was going on kept her awake. I tried to comfort her and somehow it ended up as her comforting me. Don't remember how that happened but I told her she's just so nice and bubbly and I wished I had a friend like that in my life. We then proceed to add each other on WeChat (a messaging app).

    The next day she went and messaged me first in the morning, and I remember messaging back, but at the same time knowing that she lives far away among other concerns I believe I said I'll be right back as I was going to eat lunch. After lunch ended I don't remember who messaged first but we started talking again. And we talked for a couple of hours though the app. Then she asked me if she could call me. Just to check if I was a real person. So I agreed to just a voice chat and I'm so glad I did. She was just the warmest individual, great personality. We talked for 3 hours about our values and what we shared such as not drinking, smoking, looking for that one true love. after messaging back and forth again we talked again for an additional 5 hours that same day. I've never talked with anyone for more than 2 hours. The next day I talked to her again this time through video chat. We were both nervous, but after I saw her I thought she was just the most gorgeous thing ever. She's got a heart of gold, telling me how she doesn't care for a guys background, his wealth, and looks only at personality and looks. She said she thought I was cute, and kept saying that I was unlike other guys which I still don't agree with. What I did think though was that I never thought there was someone so perfect in this world. We shared a lot, and even though it was a just a couple of days we never felt like there was anyone in this world that we felt so close with. We shared each others images back and forth and well one day I told her I wanted to get back on the dating app just to save those images. She said no its ok I'll send u them and she sent me 40 or so images and explained each one (186 messages on my phone when I woke up). She proceeded to uninstall the app and deactivate the it as well. I went and did the same. ENFJ are so good at building trust and authenticity and to be able to get someone like me to trust that easily is tough. There was one problem though. She lived 1000's of miles away from me. When I told her she said that she will fly over. Which surprised me greatly. I told her if I was a friend I would tell her thats crazy but it made me really happy. She went and bought a ticket and showed it to me. I went ahead and booked an airbnb for her near where I lived. She said she wanted to meet me as a friend. We were both adamant on taking things slowly because we thought rushing into things would be bad. Everyday leading up to the day she flies over we would video chat even while she worked.

    Then came a few days prior to the day of the flight. Everything was fine the day before. We were watching an anime show together. However today when I messaged her she didn't reply. Then when I called her she said she was running late. I got worried that maybe I might've did something wrong. Did I come on to strong I thought. I messaged her apologizing saying that I do not know what I did wrong. Then thats when everything came out. She apologized to me saying that she was already married, and actually in the middle of going through a divorce. She proceeded to show me documents she has filled out in march and filed just recently a month ago. I was really devastated, I told her why she would do this to me and lie to me. She said no she didn't mean to and she didn't lie, which in truth she didn't. I knew she had a tough past being dumped by her own mother at 18 and left to work multiple jobs to get on in life. That past didn't matter to me. I saw her as a strong individual. When she told me she was married though and going through divorce that was just a big shock. I overreacted quite a bit. She said that she was sorry, and that she was going through a tough time and that she would have to cancel the flight. I thought I was being pranked, but she asked to wire money with Chase to pay me back for the airbnb so at the same time I also thought it can't be? I have her on facebook, instagram, as well as know about her closest friends and their social media as well. She said everything that we shared was genuine, but that she just wanted to move on with her past right and just won't have room for love. She was in an arranged marriage for 5 years and the spouse wanted to have another wife, apparently this is ok in Saudi Arabia or something. So she wanted out. I told her I understand but too much was happening to me to really comprehend the situation. She again stated lets be friends and that maybe in the future if she finally moves on we can be closer than friends but for now she just wants time alone. She told me to not wait for her as and find someone else as she doesn't want to put me through that. Btw she's really romantic as a person, watching Korean, and Chinese dramas and knows all the lines and have used a few on me and always dreams of someone to just take her away. (her words).

    Anyways I don't know how much of this is true, whether to pursue or not and how much time to give before messaging her again as she said she needs time to move on with her past. I'm assuming talking to me brings pain? or maybe this was all one huge prank.... and I'm just a dumb idiot :/ I'm definitely hoping that its not the latter cause I really do love her for who she is even with the situation she has. I too am a crazy romantic, and have thought about flying to her (but that sounds wrong on so many levels and maybe even illegal. ex: its a prank and I show up at her work place just to be put in handcuffs or have a restraining order put on me)
    Last edited by mezzo; 09-05-2018 at 12:57 AM.

  2. #2

    @mezzo If it was a prank in my opinion, she wouldn’t be honest with you and share all that personal information in the first place. If you really like her, be her friend first and help her to go through this time of her life by communicating with her nicely. Do not pressure her and try to be understanding.
    Time will show you everything. Be patient or move on with your life. ENFJ needs real strong minded men with a heart of gold who can be there for them no matter what.
    Good luck

  3. #3

    I believe she was telling the truth. Her situation isn't ideal, but she told you that she needs some time and space.

    My advice to you is to remain friends with her and don't be needy—just be there for her without smothering her (I know this is not a measurable or absolute definition, but just trust you intuition and do your best). Don't pine for her like she's the only person for you—you might meet someone else that you like/are just as compatible with, but you won't notice them if you're too fixated on her.

    If you find this to be too taxing and hard to juggle, then just move on. She already told you she doesn't want you to wait for her (she wants you to do what's best for you). She knows that she isn't ready for a relationship yet and is going through some things, and because she understands that she's not in a place where she can be completely emotionally dependable, she doesn't want you to get hurt.

    Don't blame yourself for things not working out as of right now. You aren't an idiot, and her circumstances are beyond your control. You had no way of knowing she was going through a divorce, so don't beat yourself up about it. Understand that if you get your hopes up, you might get hurt. There's always a certain amount of risk involved in a relationship, but this is arguably more uncertain/risky than the average healthy relationship. It is ultimately up to you to decide if it's worth it or not (and while saying someone isn't worth the risk can sound selfish or bad, it isn't a bad thing if your motives are pure—your own emotional health is important).

    Be aware of your decisions, be honest with yourself, and don't act rashly. And be mindful of reality—don't get caught up in wishful thinking—take things for what they are.

    Those are my words of wisdom. Best of luck to you!
    mezzo and L P thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    @Fohra thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. Idk how to express my gratitude but I'm just very thankful for your reply. I was actually about to text her back asking for confirmation about the truth of it all since I thought some things didn't align as well as her feelings. After reading your post though I just ended up asking how she was feeling. Your post helped me clear up my mind quite a bit. I know theres still a lot of unanswered questions but like you said time will tell. I'll try and move on live my life maybe find someone else (As hard as it may be to find someone like that cause I felt that she was truly special 😅). Should I drop in from time to time every month to check on her or do you think thats too much pressure. Thanks!!

  6. #5

    @Westy365 Thank you so very much for your thorough reply. I really appreciate the time you put into replying to my post. It was tough waiting a whole 2 days thinking whether or not to text her, moving back and forth between believing and doubting everything and the turmoil of all that sadness, anger, and pain brewing inside. *breathes a sign or relief* I feel a lot better already!! I'll take your advice and start looking again when I'm ready and give her time to find herself, while occasionally check back and try to be supportive (not sure if thats my strong suit) when I can. Thanks again @Westy365

  7. #6

    She sounds like a wonderful woman, and it also sounds like you have a great connection with each other. I'm sure when she realized how much she enjoyed knowing you, she wanted to rush in just as you did; but I'm sure she also realized the position it put her in while still going through her divorce. As I'm sure you know, sometimes love, especially new love, makes your decision making skills a little sub-par sometimes.

    I think my best advice to you is just to be there for her when you can, even if it's not physically since you're so far apart. I went through something not-so-similar, but applicable, and having him (you in your case) there for me when I was falling apart was critical to finding out just how much he cares and also just how much he was willing to deal with. He didn't need to be so understanding; he could have said come back when you're ready to make something of us. And I know it was tough on him to be there for me while I was going through something emotional with an ex, but he was there. That speaks volumes, and she'll be able to hear it.

    Best of luck to you, in the possibility of this relationship or the next. You'll find someone that makes your heart sing and works in a relationship. Cheers.


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