[ENFJ] How to get my ENFJ to make an effort?

How to get my ENFJ to make an effort?

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This is a discussion on How to get my ENFJ to make an effort? within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; So I matched with really gorgrous ENFJ on tinder lol....anyway we been texting for about a month now and he ...

  1. #1

    How to get my ENFJ to make an effort?

    So I matched with really gorgrous ENFJ on tinder lol....anyway we been texting for about a month now and he still has been too "busy" to make time to meet up with me. Ive never dealth with an ENFJ before so would like some advise? Im an ENTJ btw so giving me definitive responses and schedules are important, and it drives me insane when I have to wait for any confirmation.

    This is how it all went down.

    At first his responses were short and shallow. I would start conversations where his response was one word and he wouldnt follow up questions or comments which can make the conversation keep going. However he always responded within 30 mins. Thats why I kept being patient because when someone I didn't want to talk to messaged me I would rarely ever respond. The only time he would put more effort into the was after midnight. At first I thought its because he was horny and wanting to sext. Later he told me its because he finishes work around that time so his replies were not so abrupt. The conversations at that time however, would always somehow lead up to something sexual.....That bothered me.

    So eventually after I asked, he agreed to meet up with me on his day off (Tuesday). Tuesday morning this is how the conversation went:

    Me: Hey still good for today?
    Him: Yeah I am looking forward to it! I'm going to the dojo be back in 2 hours
    Me: Ok have fun

    (2 hours later....)
    Him: I fucked up....
    Me: ok?
    Him: I twisted my knee doing spin sorry we gotta post pone. But I heal fast

    So this was super coincidental to me and I had a suspicion it was a last minute ditch because he either got cold feet or was unsure or whatever reason. We continue talking for the next few days until I got annoyed at his wishy washyness and went offff at him.

    Me: Look I'm pretty much done with this. You don't put in any effort. When you cancel a plan at least arrange another date to meet up. It feels like you don't even want to see me.
    Him: I do, I really like you. If you can't see that then its on you.
    Me: Yeah again, if someone wants to see someone the I'm busy excuse is a load of crap. There's 24 hours in a day, its not that hard to set aside one hour to have coffee. Im so over this
    Him: So you're leaving me? (i literally rolled my eyes when he said that because it just seemed manipulative)
    Me: I want you to at least admit you had no intentions of meeting me and didn't want to put any effort. Then this can be over and done with. I told you i been used and treated like a piece of meat in the past and its upsetting that you are doing it to me too. The least you can do is to be honest with me
    Him: ok youre right I didn't make any effort and I was leading you on. I don't know why I did it. I really don't. Im really sorry. I wish I could tell you why I did it but I can't.
    Me: thanks that's all I wanted to hear.
    Him: but its true I really do like you. Listen I finish work at 9pm tonight can I give you a call? We could talk over the phone then decide what we both want to do?

    So he calls me, we chat for hours while he was babysitting his cousin. Then when his uncle came home he got off the phone, drove him and proceeded to call me again at his own initiative. So I was happy about that. He said he felt alot more relaxed and really wanted to meet me after the long call. He also explained he works alot because his dad doesn't have a job at the moment and his mum has been sick for a year so only he and his brother works. He also said he would try to to see me this week:

    Me: Soooo hows this week looking?
    Him: My boss arrives at 4pm ill ask her to give me a day off then
    (after 4pm)
    Me: ????
    Him: This week im the only one on shift who has a liscense and she can't give me any day off. 15 hour shift and sat is my mum's birthday.
    Me: Oh all good i understand
    Him: I will ask my boss on Thurs about next week k?
    Me: What if she says no
    Him: Then we will plan around it.

    Anyways i kinda have this ominous feeling there will be more excuses again. I really don't get his behavior. Maybe I am not giving him a wow factor to want to be anxious to see me? How do I get him excited to me? What do you ENFJs like talking about that keeps you captivated by someone?

    And no, don't tell me to give up on him. I'm not ready to yet. Not until Ive exhausted all options, which at this point I feel I had not yet. Also do ENFJs like ppl chasing them or does it make them less inclined to be interested? I really am clueless when dealing with ENFJs. The thing is he always responds to me very quickly and all the time. Which I view as a good sign. And he has warmed up to me more and more but I have yet to get a definitive response as to when he will lock in a solid plan to meet up.

  2. #2

    Not ENFJ. Sorry for your loss.

  3. #3

    he is an ENFJ tho. He did the test several times

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  5. #4

    Keeps blowing you off. Possible women on the go? I’d stop contact see if he shows more interest. My advice is get away from him bad news.
    Frankly My Dear thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Going to play devil's advocate and say that maybe it's not that you're not important, but that they just happen to have a bunch of shit going on that is more of a priority.

    With the first part of your post, it seems like they're playing games and trying to keep you/the interaction as something strictly sexual; while after you let off at them, maybe they 'opened' up in a sense that they caught themselves 'playing' and decided, "Hey, I kind of like this one, maybe I should stop fucking around..." BUT that's when work coincidentally needed them.

    Him: Then we will plan around it.
    That seems no nonsense and direct so, give benefit of the doubt, but if they break plans again that they've instigated - why bother? I wouldn't want to be with someone who repeatedly fails to live up to their obligations, regardless if I'm not an 'important' one.

  7. #6

    I don't know what to think. Either he's too busy for a relationship right now and is in denial/being idealistic, he's really stressed out from having a lot of stuff going on, or he's immature. Or he doesn't communicate as well for an ENFJ, and maybe that stems from something in his upbringing or something. Or perhaps he got out of a bad relationship and is still nervous about starting a new one. His behavior is very odd for an ENFJ, if that's what he truly is.

    As far as getting our attention goes, we're usually drawn to the more mysterious or whimsical side of people. We want to find out who people truly are. If you're a naturally outspoken person, I personally wouldn't be as drawn to you, because you'd clash with me.

    We like to get to know people. We ENFJs are typically attracted to people who can be emotionally vulnerable with us. Be sincere and tender. We appreciate clear communication and tact. Also, we enjoy flirting. Flatter us, but do it in a way that's not superficial. If your complements aren't genuine, then we won't want them. We also like to feel appreciated and recognized for our efforts. We don't like to be needlessly criticized, and we value harmony in our environment (so be careful when using your Te).

    Above all, be yourself. Don't try to act like someone else or change your core personality to please/attract this guy (or anyone else).

    Just keep in mind that just because you matched on Tinder doesn't mean you'll be a good match in person. Perhaps things will work out, or perhaps they won't. Just remember that there are other fish in the sea, so don't spend too much time pursuing someone if they don't reciprocate.

  8. #7

    Ahhh its hard cos I keep saying to myself why does he respond so quickly if he is not interested and why does he keep reassuring me when I get insecure if he is not interested. But why doesn't he make the effort. Anyway today he speaks to his boss so I will know what his day off is next week and see how it goes.

    Also when it comes to starting a conversation to keep him interested I guess I realized I don't know enough about him to make him captivated in the conversation in a deeper way. hmmmmm. I mean i know he meditates, does martial arts at a dojo and wants to join the military

  9. #8

    He is not very in to you. I'm so sorry.

  10. #9

    yeh i think so too. but he did ask me out next thursday so ill wait and see

  11. #10

    My bad not clearing it out but just like what @Westy365 said, behavior is odd for an ENFJ. Nonetheless, we won't know unless you meet the person.

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