INTJ - ENFJ relationship struggles

INTJ - ENFJ relationship struggles

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  • 1 Post By SilentScream

This is a discussion on INTJ - ENFJ relationship struggles within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hi ENFJs, INTJ here and I need help. I am a 30yo female in a relationship with a 25yo ENFJ ...

  1. #1

    INTJ - ENFJ relationship struggles

    Hi ENFJs, INTJ here and I need help.

    I am a 30yo female in a relationship with a 25yo ENFJ female. We have been dating for over a year, planning to get married in 8 months, and everything has been great so far until now.

    About a month ago, I was feeling down, and when that happens I shut down. I didn't communicate my feelings to her, and when I did it was by text and in a very poor and unfair way.

    Now she has told me that she loves me but that she's thinking about leaving the relationship.

    Leaving this past month aside, she's told me that she doesn't feel needed and that I never talk to her about what's going on with me, that she needs to feel that she's the person I go to with my problems. As an example, she was mentioning that everyday when she asks how was my day or how was work, my answer is just "it was okay". From what she said I understand that she needs me to tell her things in more detail, what happened to me and what frustrated me and why, etc. The thing is I don't need to talk about things like that. When I leave work I just want to forget about it and be home and spend time with her without having to talk about what bothers me on situations that are completely unrelated to her. I just want to enjoy her company.

    I know I have a problem when it comes to talk about my feelings and I have issues with showing myself vulnerable around others. I have told her that, and I have made an appointment with a therapist because improving myself that way will improve my life and our relationship. She was upset, because she said that for this she should also be the person I go to, and not a therapist.

    It blew my mind when she said that she doesn't feel needed. Because I do need her. My life has improved very significantly since I met her, and she's my fucking everything. I'm frustrated for not being able to show her that. I've told her but she says that the problem is that she doesn't feel it. I ask her what I can do so that she feels it, but she doesn't know.

    What do I do to make her feel it?



  2. #2
    Unknown


    Quote Originally Posted by leviosa View Post
    Leaving this past month aside, she's told me that she doesn't feel needed and that I never talk to her about what's going on with me, that she needs to feel that she's the person I go to with my problems. As an example, she was mentioning that everyday when she asks how was my day or how was work, my answer is just "it was okay". From what she said I understand that she needs me to tell her things in more detail, what happened to me and what frustrated me and why, etc. The thing is I don't need to talk about things like that. When I leave work I just want to forget about it and be home and spend time with her without having to talk about what bothers me on situations that are completely unrelated to her. I just want to enjoy her company.
    Change the topic and engage her and your Ni with regards to talking about things that are running parallel in your lives even if not directly related to your life. What interests you? Arts? Music? Philosophy? News? Current Events? Memes? What do you guys bond over and bonded over initially? What attracts you two to each other? There has to be conversation topics that can keep you both connected where you don't have to talk about the mundane in your lives .. My wife has a habit of closing up sometimes when I asked her "what are you feeling?" or "what are you thinking about?" and I also get the "I'm good" and "NM" kind of responses at times. (She's an ESTJ so very out of touch with her feelings). We had a lengthy conversation about it once and she told me that accessing or knowing how she's feeling is something she has to make a conscious attempt to do .. which I guess would be similar for you as well. It took me a week or two accept this and eventually we started bonding over shared hobbies, activities etc.

    Another thing you can do is make a shared/public journal both of you can read. This can really help in closeness and feeling connected. I have a lot of public spaces where I share my thoughts on. My wife does the same and even when we're not talking about our personal thoughts and feelings with each other directly, we're always connected because both of us are actively sharing thoughts and activities everywhere. Like we follow each other on Imgur, on Twitter, on several Discord servers together, play forum mafia together etc etc. A lot of the times she won't tell me something directly, but just being around others etc I get to find out things I didn't know about her and that's cool with me :shrug:

    Before our wedding, we both created Tumblr blogs (between 2012-2014 just before coming together) where both would share some of our most intimate thoughts and details with others and each other. It was a fun part of our relationship and growing together and closer with each other.

    Also, I think she might be getting cold feet which is making her worry a lot more about the future. Probably needs you to actively show her that you love her. Love languages is a very good tool for this. Find out what is hers (I also have a theory that love languages are fluid where they change depending on what is being met and what is being neglected so even if you know what her past love language was, it might have changed in recent months or so).

    Wish you both the best and good luck.
    Last edited by SilentScream; 10-13-2019 at 04:03 PM.

  3. #3
    INFJ

    INTJ - ENFJ relationship will be difficult to keep. This is called "supervision relations" by socionics where ENFJ is the supervisor and INTJ is the supervisee: ENFJ Love & Relationship Matches. In supervision relations understanding of each other's motives, wishes, and goals is often insufficient and communication is one-sided and lacking - thus, these relationships require a lot more work, time and effort invested for the two people to stay together. Often the supervisor will leave (ENFJ in this case) eventually seeing their supervisee (INTJ here) as not an equal and suitable partner for them.

    Many supervision relationships thus fall apart relatively quickly, and marriages end in separations and divorces. Very few survive these struggles, as at some one of the partners decides that it's might not be worth it after all.

    In INTJ - ENFJ case there are often issues in relationship based on how differently Fi and Fe communicate their feelings. What she seems to be voicing is this kind of Fi-Fe clash - ENFJs with their Fe need to be demonstrated feelings in an extroverted way, while INTJ with their tertiary Fi tend to close off and rarely talk about their feelings demonstratively. The ENFJ at this point lacks the emotional feedback that they need, but for INTJ is very stressful and unnatural to be the way ENFJ requires them to be. Which is why it's so much easier for an INTJ to relate to other Fi-valuing people and relationships with Fe types, especially Fe-dominants like ENFJ, are always going to be strained.

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  5. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by leviosa View Post
    Leaving this past month aside, she's told me that she doesn't feel needed and that I never talk to her about what's going on with me, that she needs to feel that she's the person I go to with my problems. As an example, she was mentioning that everyday when she asks how was my day or how was work, my answer is just "it was okay". From what she said I understand that she needs me to tell her things in more detail, what happened to me and what frustrated me and why, etc. The thing is I don't need to talk about things like that. When I leave work I just want to forget about it and be home and spend time with her without having to talk about what bothers me on situations that are completely unrelated to her. I just want to enjoy her company.

    I know I have a problem when it comes to talk about my feelings and I have issues with showing myself vulnerable around others. I have told her that, and I have made an appointment with a therapist because improving myself that way will improve my life and our relationship. She was upset, because she said that for this she should also be the person I go to, and not a therapist.

    It blew my mind when she said that she doesn't feel needed. Because I do need her. My life has improved very significantly since I met her, and she's my fucking everything. I'm frustrated for not being able to show her that. I've told her but she says that the problem is that she doesn't feel it. I ask her what I can do so that she feels it, but she doesn't know.

    What do I do to make her feel it?
    Her need to hear about your interactions with other people and how you feel about those is connected to her extroverted Feeling. The things you would tell your therapist, your deepest intimate secrets, your feelings...that's what Feelers "feed" on and find captivating. If an ENFJ would tell you all that, past the mask, past the smiles and the blah blah they give to everybody, it would mean you're into their deepest circle so that's why she is expecting the same, that's her language. Your common Ni will help you 2 see the bigger picture, but you need to keep the connection live by using the same language to communicate. She seems to enjoy to talk, so if you know about the 5 languages of love, she's verbal and enjoys words of affirmation. Set up an alarm everyday to remind her how she makes you feel, exactly what you said in your post, how your life has improved and in so much better...but instead of using your T2 to make it sound like an emotionless project, make it sound more poetic. Tell her how her presence gives your life colour and meaning, how she teaches you to be a better human, how you love her <whatever small thing she does>, YES, be cheesy, you've reached that level with her if you're thinking about marriage. :) Write 4 lines of poetry that don't even rhyme, tell her when you miss her or how you miss something that she does.

    I know it's hard, INTJs in general have issues showing themselves emotionally vulnerable, you probably have a more indirect language, if it helps, you can start texting these emotions from a safe distance and with smaller things, one step at a time.

  6. #5
    ENFJ

    I think she should be supportive if you need to go to therapy but I see why that hurts her because it doesn't make sense why you can open up to a stranger and not your girlfriend who actually loves you and wants to understand you.

    My older brother is intj and I've learned that intj need space and genuinely dont always feel better talking about their feelings and your girlfriend should respect that and just be there for you without needing answers to all her questions. She cares for you and is not doing this to cause you any stress but if she would just support you then she would be able to see that's what you need in that moment. All you need to do is communicate to her HOW to best support you and then you will both have what you need.


     

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