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ENFJ male with an ESFP female.

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This is a discussion on ENFJ male with an ESFP female. within the ENFJ Forum - The Givers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey, reading that insert in your post, I can see why I prefer Introverted guys lol....

  1. #11

    Hey, reading that insert in your post, I can see why I prefer Introverted guys lol.

  2. #12
    ENFJ - The Givers

    [quote=Razvan;576064]
    Quote Originally Posted by Jojo View Post


    Thething about coming to a middle ground...it's not always possible. I know, it sounds rough and contrary to our ideal nature, but it really isn't. In some cases, someone will have to give in. Like in a couple, with hollidays, I would want in a place, she would want in a totally different place. Or you want to see a movie, she wants a different one. In these cases, you can try to make something like, we do your way now, we do mine afterwards, right? But what if, than she realises she hates doing that and it feels miserable, would you still continue to do it, knowing that she feels miserable because she told you or would you stop, in which case you would feel bad because you did it her way, but it didn't happen your way too. In this case if you are not careful this can become an ego fight, where you feel mistreated and you end up trying to get her to do it your way no matter what the next time a middle ground is needed. Especially if this happens often and there is a lack of reciprocity, of balance. But I guess, these cases are not "coming to middle ground", so yeah, what you are saying is true, coming to a middle ground in a relationship is healthy, but seriosly, too many "middle gorunds are not healthy".

    Like...I like sports, if I cannot get out at least once a week to do something physical, it would decrese my level of happiness. If I would have to go more than once in a month to a theater/opera/etc, that would also decrease my level of hapiness. If I would have to restrain my spontaneous nature, if every hour of my life was planned, that would reaaaaally suck. (big time) In fact I like to keep my plans open as much as possible. I may be considering coming to a middle ground with any of those, but if I were to give them all up, I would probably feel miserable. And those are not my core values, those are just things I really, really enjoy.


    When all these overwhelm you, you probably have to ask yourself, is this something I want to be in? Are all these compromises worth, or are those just too many for me? Or better : could I live all my life with all that, because, like my grandma said, they will probably only get worse. People at beggining of relationships do a lot of compromises, they think they can live with them and do a lot of things to impress the other. In time, after the rush is gone, they gradually stop doing all those things and you get things like : "Oh, but I was just watching that to make you ahppy, I don't really like that show". Or oh, I don't really like this or that...I was listening to rock music because you like it..

    So bottom line, I think we all have our limits to the number or intensity of middle grounds we are able to do in life and like I said, if you cannot imagine yourself doing that for the rest of your life, you should not do it. It's better to just say it out front than do it and make you feel miserable and in retunrn, because you will feel like that, you will make others feel miserable. And yeah, it should definitely be a win win thing, so both persons can feel good with it.
    Great post! I think reciprocity is the the key to good relationship. I think we differ on compromise and it's meaning not the intent. When we start dating I am not compromising from the start I am courting. I am tying to find what works and what doesn't. The communication is vital in that. I think it is also vey important in a relationship to have the point blank discussion on boundaries and expectation. I think that is why some get so upset with the discussion of penuptial agreements because it puts thing on the table. I think we do things to avoid confrontation when we actually only cause more. IF it is important to you that should always be made known.

    Compromise can be simple. I was in relationship where she wanted to go to a specific church. Problem was every body went at the same time and it was crowded and I don't be squished with people. She wanted that specific church so the compromise was a different church with less people. The movie comparision was a tit for tat. I think there other things that could be done to

  3. #13
    ENFJ - The Givers

    my brother in an esfp and he gets on my nerves very often.

    But he is very fun. Im constant and never go out looking for new things to try out. He does and he brings it back to me to try.

    antoher interesting thing is that i always come up with crazy. mad-scientist ideas and he executes.

    he's very funny, and sometimes easy to get along with

    ENFj and ESFP aren't a good pair though.
    We are dreamers, they are experience junkies
    We can live on a diet of bread and butter and a head full of dreams and a heart full of love
    They need physical comforts very badly and tend to go for all the expensive branded stuff.
    We don't give a bleep what society thinks of us.
    They need to be accepted by society, are affected by peer pressure, and have to seem fashionable and 'in' to people.

    i think after a while IF the relationship is grating on your soul, you will have to evaluate and have a discussion with her

    if you hit a few large walls on your way, you know that it isn't going to work. at first it will hurt but later you'll realize that you're happier for it

    until then, crap on MBTI. don't let it ruin a beautiful relationship

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  5. #14
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Am new to learning about these personality types but learned I'm an enfj who has just split from an esfp in my opinion. It was a crazy relationship, felt like a great thing initially but it got unberleavably toxic. Never been put through such a rollercoaster ever.

  6. #15
    ENFJ - The Givers

    You and the rest of us

  7. #16

    I just learned about enneagram and I think that may affect the relationship just as mbti. But if you're healthy in your type and she is in hers, you aren't doomed. Just both must be kind and understanding and forgiving and the relationship will work.
    Plus, I dont get socionic pairing theories at all.
    one theory for mbti that can work for you is that both share Se and Ni. you might be able to see the world in more similar ways than you may think. And that can provide a connection.

  8. #17
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Yes, I'm digging up an old thread, but I just ended things with my ESFP girlfriend last night. I figured I'd weigh in on this to share another perspective on this type of match up. I'm actually pretty glad that I know about MBTI, because it helped me to realize why/how we view things so differently. And it helped me to realize that despite so many shared interests and strong physical chemistry we just weren't meant to work out.

    She is very much a "live in the now" personality and sometimes it seems as though she has little regard for the future. She often told me to stop analyzing things so much and to just "let things happen". Clearly my N and J weren't just going to sit idly by in these situations.

    She also sometimes came off as selfish, although I don't necessarily say that in a bad way. Sometimes she would say or do something that seemed to be in complete disregard for my feelings. I have no problem being assertive, so when I would constructively point this out to her she would say that she sees why I would feel the way I did and that she was sorry, but that she had never really thought about how I might be affected. Again, we ENFJs tend to be so focused on other's feelings that this type of thinking seems almost foreign to us.

    The final and to me, most critical, flaw in this match is the different styles of commitment to the relationship. From my take of what happened with with the woman I was dating was this: She woke up every morning and said "If I get enjoyment from this today then I'll stay in it." On the other hand I woke up and said "Unless this gets bad then I'm in it." She was happy, but wanted to go day by day. I was happy, but wanted to know that when things weren't 100% rosy we would work through things. Despite the fact that we never really had any serious disagreement or conflict this was the number one reason we didn't work out. Due to some upcoming changes in both of our lives there may have been some stressful bumpy roads ahead. I think we both saw this and that's why I decided to end things sooner rather than later.

    I'm not saying that an ENFJ & ESFP relationship can't work, but I am saying that the deck is not stacked in your favor.
    Seamaid thanked this post.

  9. #18
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by Trope View Post
    Any pair of individuals can potentially have a lasting and successful relationship regardless of personality type. It's necessary for any relationship, but if your respective types tend to conflict with one another, that's just all the more reason to go out of your way to understand the other party's needs and point of view. Learning about various type theories tends to prove extremely helpful with this process so take heart because you're on the right track.
    That is a good post and fully agree :) What we must not do is permeate every aspect of our lives with MBTI type thinking. Because if we do we may be actually robbing ourselves in many aspects of our lives. Kind of like putting ourselves into a MBTI straightjacket of sorts. I certainly don't wake up in the morning and look into the mirror and say,How is ENFJ guy feeling to day :)

    Concerning romantic love, we can not go into some old laboratory and measure and test it, as it does not rightly belong there. But instead it belongs in the hearts and souls of individual people. So consequently, it transcends type descriptions full stop. As you rightly pointed out a coming together of any type can really work if there is that certain bond between people. When the goddess of love embraces people and the crystallization of a loving relationship becomes absolute reality the MBTI falls into superficial irrelevance, in that regard. For instance my father was an ESFP my Mother is an INTP and it worked out absolutely fine. So much so I have a brother {ISFJ}and sister {INFJ}.So of course any MBTI configuration can actually work fine and good.

    This reminds me……..I remember speaking about how love transcends everything and can permeate everything on a political forum. Then this agitated and highly strung communist class war type guy was like, “people like there own class” and a relationship would not work very well between different classes. I was like, my father was working class and my mother middle class……..… the great Marxist consultant did not get back to give me even a repartee. Most probably he could not find anything in his Das Kapital lol

    Anyway Good luck to OP :)

  10. #19
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by OtisPB View Post
    She woke up every morning and said "If I get enjoyment from this today then I'll stay in it." On the other hand I woke up and said "Unless this gets bad then I'm in it." She was happy, but wanted to go day by day. I was happy, but wanted to know that when things weren't 100% rosy we would work through things. Despite the fact that we never really had any serious disagreement or conflict this was the number one reason we didn't work out.
    I ended my relationship with an ESFP female about a month after you did, and wanted to agree with everything you have said, but especially this^^^. I used to think of it as, she was a jet ski and I was an ocean liner. It took me a while to wrap my head around the idea of living together, etc but once I was there I was in. In the time it took me to get there she had bounced in and out of liking that idea several times. I used to tell her that it was fun in a way because I got to make her fall in love with me every day, but one day I couldn't, and that was it - over. No explanation. All communication ceased - no answering phone calls, texts, emails etc. The almost year that I spent with her was a highlight of my life - but the ending was two months of heartache.

  11. #20

    Super ego of ENFJ is ESTJ and ESFP is ENTP


     
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