[ENFP] Ugh I'm jealous, feelings for INTJ is making me feel nuts

Ugh I'm jealous, feelings for INTJ is making me feel nuts

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This is a discussion on Ugh I'm jealous, feelings for INTJ is making me feel nuts within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hi, Soooo I haven't had much experience in jealousy and the few times I have it goes away in a ...

  1. #1

    Ugh I'm jealous, feelings for INTJ is making me feel nuts

    Hi,

    Soooo I haven't had much experience in jealousy and the few times I have it goes away in a week or 2 tops. But I think it's because I've never experienced romantic jealously til now.

    I have been friends with this guy for a while now and it's gotten to the point where I keep looking for signs that he likes me but he's an INTJ. If he actually liked me he would have said it by now.
    He calls or facetimes me almost everyday and before he started university we hung out every weekend. Now even though our universities are only like 1.3 hours away he doesn't really want to hangout in person unless there's a long break...though he doesn't even see his family on weekends either.

    The jealousy is for really small things and it makes me feel nuts when I feel the little ping. Like last night he was going on about how he never noticed how small girl's hands are. My immediate thought was 'nooo who's hands is he looking at' Yes...I know I am crazy :-3
    I also start to overthink a little haha cause I am tall, 167cm or 5'6. Tho he always calls me short since he is 189cm or 6'2 but still maybe he prefers girls who are actually short.

    I think he just sees me as a really valuable friend and I want to break that and have him see me as a woman. Objectively I'm not unattractive and I think most of our core values align. He also has only ever had a crush on 1 girl who happened to be a friend of a friend and I found out she rejected him. Though he also told me that himself a little later. So I know he doesn't like anyone now.



    -I'd like to either get these jealous feelings to subside or figure out how to attract him. Likely the first option because I have no way of knowing what he's attracted to since he never says anything! This is really weird for me as I've never had a problem with either of these things before.
    My plan so far is to perhaps ignore him a little until these feelings subside. Part of the reason he's often on my mind is he gives me so much attention where he gives very little to others and it subsequently makes me feel special.
    The Producer and Llyralen thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    You've got to put the feelers out.

    I'm going to be perfectly honest in saying I don't understand people who just float through a connection with someone and coast through the friend zone, then decide at one point to roll the die and see if they are romantically interested. It's so far removed from my way of doing things.

    Be assertive, go get what you want. The first move is put some feelers out, so put some little things out there that blur the flirt-line more than usual and gets him slightly outside his comfort zone, but doesn't actively risk your friendship. Read his body language and reactions. That gives you the starting point that you are at right now. From there, start flirting in subtle ways, you need to get the guy THINKING about you in a romantic way (even if he is like "nahhh.. she's just a friend"- because the more that he thinks about it over time, the more he will seriously consider it).

    Do you remember in primary school how you used to get crushes? People would just get in your head for random reasons, not because of any "soulmate connection", it was just you thought about them in a romantic way one day, and even if you thought "no way".. over time that builds and builds. Adults are the EXACT SAME.

    The point I'm trying to make is that often when people aren't attracted to others, it's because they simply haven't been allowed to put the time/consideration into thinking about them that way. Or.. The alternative is that he simply isn't into you which happens too.


    I've generally noticed btw, that ENFP women who get with INTJ men are usually very assertive and sure about themselves, and are fine with directing social interaction in the direction they want. They are comfortable pursuing. That's just 2 cents.

  3. #3

    @Tridentus

    That's a good start, thanks.
    Lmao and well I didn't understand stuff like this either until I found myself doing it. Guess it's just a new territory thing, I have pursued guys before but it's generally easy to know if a guy is interested, this one not so much. I do have a little fear of rejection though I shouldn't.

    And yea, I do see many ENFP's are quite assertive but that's never been my thing. I do like being a tease but in general in my culture an assertive woman doesn't always come off as well and when you look like I do (in my culture) I'd only look like a 'slut' so assertive is something I feel uncomfortable with unless it's a job and even that is frowned upon.
    Tridentus and Llyralen thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    This is the same guy who started all the controversy last time, right? You two are super close and he wanted benefits that one night? He’s thought about it. He’s putting it at bay probably for a bit— and I think he put it on the shelf for a while until you are good and ready— I hate even messing with this guys’ Ni turf by telling you this. What if you are more important than you realize to him? He’s going the distance. His Ni has got game. You’re young, right? That Ni of his is going to know what to do. He will wait it out by staying friends and you might want to wait this feeling of yours out as well depending on your life situation. Yeah, he likes you, you know, that’s what we couldn’t put a finger on last time. Trust this dude and when you are really ready then re-visit it.
    Last edited by Llyralen; 04-01-2018 at 01:14 PM.
    Short Cake Cake thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Well, showing attraction is always a bit embarrassing so I could also act indifferent when I am attracted to someone, though the ENFP friend I see tend to see easily right through me Haha
    As for how to attract him, maybe try to have deeper conversation subjects with him about the world, and try to understand him on a deeper level. I think that's the best way to seduce me, personally, not sure if this works with all other INTJs ;)
    Short Cake Cake thanked this post.

  7. #6

    I have no way of knowing what he's attracted to since he never says anything!
    But why would you need to know what he's attracted to ? just be yourself, really. If we begin to change some things to suit a guy's tastes (as simple as a haircut you know he likes, a type of clothes, an attitude...) we know we're heading straight for a fall. Especially if the guy is an INTJ, with a super efficient bullshit detector.
    My plan so far is to perhaps ignore him a little
    I honestly don't think this is going to lead you anywhere. It can work if it contrasts with an openly flirty and straightforward attitude, but not if you're just being friendly with him. And mind games... they can be fun for a while but quickly exhausting. I agree with Tridentus, you'd better be assertive or at least spontaneous. Don't be afraid of giving him hints that you like him. What could you lose ? Real friendships can overcome awkward feelings and unrequited love.
    even though our universities are only like 1.3 hours away he doesn't really want to hangout in person unless there's a long break...
    I think it's understandable, and it's a perfect excuse to see him for looong hours. Have you ever asked him out on one of these long breaks ? when did you last spend time with him face to face ?
    It's easy to get jealous or even slightly paranoid behind a screen, deprived of any context ; just like it's hard to be flirty without any non-verbal communication, just a keyboard and one's own great mind. And indeed, if you're absolutely okay to invite him out but he's just satisfied with texts and chat, I agree it's complicated and you'll have to make him want to see you IRL...

    I'd like to either get these jealous feelings to subside or figure out how to attract him
    Once you'll stop worrying about his attraction to you, your jealousy will fade away
    I know it's a dumb and overheard advice but just be confident. I figured out the best way to develop self-confidence is to be action oriented instead of dwelling on past events and analysing "signs". Assume that you can't be in his head and that all you can do is discover him. Try to get the habit of thinking about how to act on it. For instance, when he talked about girls' hands, instead of "whose hands could it be ?", you could have asked yourself "how can I bounce on what he just said, to build up tension between us ?" ; it was a nice subject of conversation that could have led to interesting stuff (by the way, how did you answer to that ?)
    You said you're good at teasing, just do that ! :) Let your curiosity and your desire lead your actions.
    I'll repeat myself but I'm persuaded spontaneity is the key, and being spontaneous has nothing to do with being clingy, actually I've seen many more clingy calculating people than clingy spontaneous people. Being spontaneous allows to be detached, to stop overthink things, to stop having regrets, and to move on whenever things don't go well. You're an ENFP so I believe you have a great dose of spontaneity in you, don't let Fi/Si step on it

    Besides, a good way to prevent jealousy is to be completely absorbed in a hobby, a creation, or lots of social events (which also helps building confidence).
    Last edited by mangosloth; 04-01-2018 at 03:34 PM.
    Short Cake Cake thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Alesha View Post
    This is the same guy who started all the controversy last time, right? You two are super close and he wanted benefits that one night? He’s thought about it. He’s putting it at bay probably for a bit— and I think he put it on the shelf for a while until you are good and ready— I hate even messing with this guys’ Ni turf by telling you this. What if you are more important than you realize to him? He’s going the distance. His Ni has got game. You’re young, right? That Ni of his is going to know what to do. He will wait it out by staying friends and you might want to wait this feeling of yours out as well depending on your life situation. Yeah, he likes you, you know, that’s what we couldn’t put a finger on last time. Trust this dude and when you are really ready then re-visit it.
    Yes lol. You have a wonderful memory :-)
    Well I guess I am young, 18 and he's 19. I guess I get the feeling of friendship because he seems to be so comfortable around me. Like I mentioned after university maybe I'd like to move to NYC and he told me he wants to do the same. This is so obvious of me but I was like it's so expensive I'll have to convince 'insert name of female friend.' Then he acted offended and was like 'hello we could live together.' Hahaha idk it screams friends forever to me.
    However I can play it out, I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship right this second.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Nyarlathothep View Post
    Well, showing attraction is always a bit embarrassing so I could also act indifferent when I am attracted to someone, though the ENFP friend I see tend to see easily right through me Haha
    As for how to attract him, maybe try to have deeper conversation subjects with him about the world, and try to understand him on a deeper level. I think that's the best way to seduce me, personally, not sure if this works with all other INTJs ;)
    Well we have some pretty deep conversations already, he's said that he's opened up to me more than anyone, except maybe his best male friend he's known since like kindergarten lol. So I think we got that down, he really enjoys talking about a variety of topics which is part of the reason why I like him. I'm sure he enjoys talking to me, he's mentioned on more than one occasion how worried he was about making new friends in college but he was disappointed because so many people are so boring and superficial lol.

    Hehe rather than an INTJ thing it could just depend on the person, cause that definitely seduces me too

  10. #9

    @mangosloth

    Oh, by knowing who he's attracted to I could determine if I am similar. I won't change for him, unless those changes are something I actually want for myself.
    And by ignoring him I don't want to play a game but it's to put distance between us so I could move on. I feel like I never get the chance because he's always contacting me and I answer 95% of the time.

    I will definitely try the 'seductive method.' Also spontaneity hahaha that is like my middle name but as a precursor INTJ hates spontaneity. He will not even let me surprise him with his birthday gift! It's that serious. But I'll try, maybe this will be the one surprise he likes haha.

    The last time I saw him was last week for spring break. We have plans on like the 13th, he's spending the night because I live close to some event he wants to go to the next day and he said he doesn't feel like going to his parents place and traveling the extra 15 min.
    mangosloth thanked this post.

  11. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by Short Cake Cake View Post
    Yes lol. You have a wonderful memory :-)
    Well I guess I am young, 18 and he's 19. I guess I get the feeling of friendship because he seems to be so comfortable around me. Like I mentioned after university maybe I'd like to move to NYC and he told me he wants to do the same. This is so obvious of me but I was like it's so expensive I'll have to convince 'insert name of female friend.' Then he acted offended and was like 'hello we could live together.' Hahaha idk it screams friends forever to me.
    However I can play it out, I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship right this second.
    Cute Cake Cake, (I think you are the cutest, you know that, right?) unless you are ready to commit for life, put this one on the shelf for a bit, except for friendship. He's keeping his feelings back-- and I don't know, he might have convinced himself that it will be just friends for a while. That's probably the best way for him to keep those 19 year old hormones at bay. That's probably the best thing to do for a while while you have your adventures for the next 5 years and get good and sick of adventures. Forget all about it and go about your way-- stay friends and keep working on your goals. Stay cute and accomplish your goals! This guy is going nowhere. He'll be ready when you are. Forget that I said anything of the sort so that you can just have fun until then.
    P.S. the idea with you two living together-- he doesn't want any distance getting in between you too. He will want to be there when you are ready to settle down. He will not like for any guys to get in between you two--poor thing. I feel SO bad explaining it, I hope it doesn't throw off his game.
    Trust his Ni. Whenever I get Ni information it never leads me wrong.
    Last edited by Llyralen; 04-01-2018 at 04:22 PM.
    mangosloth and Short Cake Cake thanked this post.


     
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