[ENFP] I have a crush on an ENFP (and it's not in my comfort zone)

I have a crush on an ENFP (and it's not in my comfort zone)

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This is a discussion on I have a crush on an ENFP (and it's not in my comfort zone) within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I've been spending a LOT of time in a group with an ENFP. A little while ago whilst drunk she ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I have a crush on an ENFP (and it's not in my comfort zone)

    I've been spending a LOT of time in a group with an ENFP. A little while ago whilst drunk she came onto me (I feel like I sensed some vibes but originally wanted to stay away for reasons of my own), we kinda made out and fooled around at my place. Problem is, now I think I've caught some feelings, and when I went to talk to her about it she says she feels platonic about it. That would be cool, but the thing is, that normally I 100% trust my gut with the introverts I normally go for, and it's been going haywire picking up on signals from her this past week. Occasionally when I happen to catch her eye I swear I can see that "look" in her eyes but it's only fleeting and I'm not sure to trust it. I'm so used to relying on my gut totally that I don't know what to make of the situation since obviously her signals are different from an introvert's (being an ENFP myself I know that, but my intuition apparently doesn't lol). When she gets close to me I swear I feel some vibes, but I'm taking her word for what she said previously.

    I mean, even though it feels like we've gotten close quite quickly we've only known each other a short time that's the other thing. We also may be living together soon for a number of months, I dunno the whole thing is blah and I'm trying to get a foothold over myself.

    It's been a while since I've been this exposed to someone, I usually feel more comfortable being more in control, and this girl is probably about as assertive as I am which is also something very different, we are quite similar in a lot of ways but she's younger by a few years and has a younger outlook.

    It's been years since I've done this, but this is kind of just a vent and an open request for useful perspectives. Thoughts? Lay them on me.
    Llyralen and Moby85 thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENFP

    Dude! DUDE! Great to see you again!

    Umm, well, I have limited experience 'dating' an ENFP for two dates this past June and we were too similar. Chemistry was impossible and we mutually broke it off.

    In your case, well, she's an ENFP. She thinks like we think. Be honest with her and if she insists on "platonic" then you need to pull back, there's no alternative, and move on. However, she should be a solid communicator and let you know what she feels.

  3. #3

    @Tridentus . Good to hear from you.

    Maybe with different Enneagrams there's a possibility of some chemistry. I mean, if you're feeling it and you guys already made out... see what happens.

    I was telling @Moby85 just a week ago about my old experience of dating an ENFP, when we kissed there was NO chemistry. I might as well have been kissing my arm and I had been really excited about this guy and it had seemed like so much fun on 2 dates before the kiss. Anyway, I spent this weekend with 3 ENFPs and all so different. We all got along great! The one is getting to be a close friend and she comes across with so much Fi to me, but her inferior Si is showing and I watched her introduce herself to everyone, she's one of us. Anyway, she is pretty different. The other 2 are very much like me and are likely also Enneagram 7. I think maybe the chemistry between different Enneagram types might work, even with both ENFP?
    Did she know about MBTI?
    Probably let her give you more signals than just a glance at this point is my suggestion, but you could still joke around with her. If there is chemistry to be had, it would develop even if you're friends first, most likely.

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  5. #4
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    when we kissed there was NO chemistry. I might as well have been kissing my arm and I had been really excited about this guy and it had seemed like so much fun on 2 dates before the kiss. Anyway, I spent this weekend with 3 ENFPs and all so different. We all got along great! The one is getting to be a close friend and she comes across with so much Fi to me, but her inferior Si is showing and I watched her introduce herself to everyone, she's one of us. Anyway, she is pretty different. The other 2 are very much like me and are likely also Enneagram 7. I think maybe the chemistry between different Enneagram types might work, even with both ENFP?
    Did she know about MBTI?
    Probably let her give you more signals than just a glance at this point is my suggestion, but you could still joke around with her. If there is chemistry to be had, it would develop even if you're friends first, most likely.
    Oh there is chemistry. I mean, we may have been drunk, but if that wasn't physical chemistry I don't know what is. We've kind of continued to spend time together, and my intuition is going all over the place with this. She gives off mixed signals, and I remember when I was younger that was something I used to do when I liked someone but was nervous about it. If I had to give a read without any other information than body language that's the one I'd give.

    Like I said my intuition is greenlighting me, but like I said verbally she shut me down after that night (like 10 days ago now). I don't think she's had too much experience with romantic stuff although she's quite assertive, and overall she's kind of in her own lane if you know what I mean. I mean I'm like that too as you guys know, but she's on another level. Sometimes I wonder if she's unsure about forming that intimacy. Other times I just think my intuition is straight up wrong, but that doesn't happen very often (try never in a long time). I

    I haven't really been "running my game" on her at all since then, just been casual too since she verbally shut me down last time and I want to at least stay close friends because connections whether platonic or romantic are important to me rather than make a failed play and have things be awkward.. but I mean our friends can see the connection too. I notice when we talk about romantic things as a group she gets a little quiet, and when our friends teased us about our chemistry she got awkward and quiet (whereas she's normally a bantery confident girl).

    If she's expecting me to take the male role and be forward and make the moves it's really not fair on me since she verbally shut me down after that night. I'm just going to be chummy with her and if we stay friends that's ok with me, I honestly don't think there is much onus on me to make moves at this point.
    Last edited by Tridentus; 09-23-2018 at 11:17 AM.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by Tridentus View Post
    Oh there is chemistry. I mean, we may have been drunk, but if that wasn't physical chemistry I don't know what is. We've kind of continued to spend time together, and my intuition is going all over the place with this. She gives off mixed signals, and I remember when I was younger that was something I used to do when I liked someone but was nervous about it. If I had to give a read without any other information than body language that's the one I'd give.

    Like I said my intuition is greenlighting me, but like I said verbally she shut me down after that night (like 10 days ago now). I don't think she's had too much experience with romantic stuff although she's quite assertive, and overall she's kind of in her own lane if you know what I mean. I mean I'm like that too as you guys know, but she's on another level. Sometimes I wonder if she's unsure about forming that intimacy. Other times I just think my intuition is straight up wrong, but that doesn't happen very often (try never in a long time). I

    I haven't really been "running my game" on her at all since then, just been casual too since she verbally shut me down last time and I want to at least stay close friends because connections whether platonic or romantic are important to me rather than make a failed play and have things be awkward.. but I mean our friends can see the connection too. I notice when we talk about romantic things as a group she gets a little quiet, and when our friends teased us about our chemistry she got awkward and quiet (whereas she's normally a bantery confident girl).

    If she's expecting me to take the male role and be forward and make the moves it's really not fair on me since she verbally shut me down after that night. I'm just going to be chummy with her and if we stay friends that's ok with me, I honestly don't think there is much onus on me to make moves at this point.
    I wonder what her Enneagram is. Anyway, since she is younger she could definitely still be in her exploratory phase. For sure many of us didn't have too much romantic experience, right? I mean... I knew I was ready for a relationship when I found my husband but the nervousness for some of us with these high of stakes is over the top. Right? Like to me as Enneagram 7 sx, there is nothing more important than who I choose to love and it took a LOT for me to finally learn to commit. And even when I was younger than 25 and thought I would be ready for a relationship, I clearly wasn't. Way too nervous, way too independent. When I was ready, though, my husband dating me the way he did, being very upfront about his feelings for me and lots of physical affection helped a ton. I still felt ready to bolt at any time though, until I cared too much about his feelings to ever hurt him or pull away. I just couldn't get enough of him and still can't.

    So...I think many of us ENFP girls have expressed the friendship coming first helped in most of our circumstances. If you want to be patient for this one, either way you will want to be friends with her. You would have to gage how ready she is to commit at this age and then maybe it would take a few years. See if you can do some friendship kind of stuff and get closer.

    I don't know. I like this idea of you being with an ENFP. Maybe find out about her Ennegram. I know you know what you are about, so if this is it for you I know you following your intuition will work as long as she can see you as what she wants in life. You'd have to explore that with her to see and keep stepping up--- but you've always got dead-on intuition in my opinion. I like this.

    Even right now I'll tell you that I really am loving my ENFP friendships. ENFPs are rock-solid friends when needed. You can always trust us to care, truly, and who else can you find that from in that same way really? If anyone could navigate being with another one of us, I think you could. Keep me posted, pm whenever you like, I'll just listen, I know you always really have a good handle on a situation.
    Tridentus and Moby85 thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    I wonder what her Enneagram is. Anyway, since she is younger she could definitely still be in her exploratory phase. For sure many of us didn't have too much romantic experience, right? I mean... I knew I was ready for a relationship when I found my husband but the nervousness for some of us with these high of stakes is over the top. Right? Like to me as Enneagram 7 sx, there is nothing more important than who I choose to love and it took a LOT for me to finally learn to commit. And even when I was younger than 25 and thought I would be ready for a relationship, I clearly wasn't. Way too nervous, way too independent. When I was ready, though, my husband dating me the way he did, being very upfront about his feelings for me and lots of physical affection helped a ton. I still felt ready to bolt at any time though, until I cared too much about his feelings to ever hurt him or pull away. I just couldn't get enough of him and still can't.
    First of all @Llyralen as a fellow 7 SX I feel you. You know, I say a lot of 'confident' stuff on these boards here in how I handle dating and I'm not being inauthentic. But the reality is it kinda makes me sound a bit like a player (I think) but I'm just like you. I'm independent, I really want to find 'the one'. I need a lot of physical contact and when I give physical contact it's actually meaningful. I want to find the right person, but I always feel it's high stakes just like you.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  8. #7
    ENFP

    I've had no real experience with this so I'm only able to theorize about the topic but hoping it could give some thoughts :)

    I imagine it could be not bad option at all dating anybody similar to ourselves (there could be definitely worse types for that for us) but it could depend a lot on how compatible your Fi-s are with each other as it makes us quite different despite of the shared type.

    For example, I know one most likely ENFP girl whose Fi tells her she must be right about absolutely EVERYTHING and that's all for her :) Very impulsive and no debating but I personally rather like debating if it's needed and reasonable. I'd imagine it could create a lot of tension with guy like me who's also rather non-conformist about some things. Another possibly ENFP girl in my sister's group seems to be depressed for most of her life and too wandering for my taste (if I was single), without any sights in her life - again would be rather difficult to handle. Turbulent ENFPs seem to be quite unpredictable and despite that we like some unpredictability in our lifes we still need some stability to rely on. I'm quite much into "fixing stuff" but that would only be interesting for some time not constantly. Some Fe type could probably help her more with her struggles.

    Lets assume for a while that the Fi-s do match with each other. Then it could be that weaker Si which could cause some trouble in everyday life - who's going to notice then that the house needs some cleaning etc :) For younger ENFPs Te could also be an issue - there are lot of ideas but nobody's going to actually implement them right :)

    I guess that for short-lived relationships it could work well unless you have some serious clashes in your world view but not sure if that'd work well in sustainable manner for years. It could be definitely a lot of fun but fun isn't what makes relationships work in long term - there are many other aspects too. But as I said, that's only theorizing - hoping that somebody could tell from their experiences :)
    Last edited by tarmonk; 09-24-2018 at 02:20 AM.
    Llyralen and Moby85 thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by tarmonk View Post
    I've had no real experience with this so I'm only able to theorize about the topic but hoping it could give some thoughts :)

    I imagine it could be not bad option at all dating anybody similar to ourselves (there could be definitely worse types for that for us) but it could depend a lot on how compatible your Fi-s are with each other as it makes us quite different despite of the shared type.
    I agree that an ENFP-ENFP option could be great if there is legit romantic chemistry.

  10. #9
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    I wonder what her Enneagram is. Anyway, since she is younger she could definitely still be in her exploratory phase. For sure many of us didn't have too much romantic experience, right? I mean... I knew I was ready for a relationship when I found my husband but the nervousness for some of us with these high of stakes is over the top. Right? Like to me as Enneagram 7 sx, there is nothing more important than who I choose to love and it took a LOT for me to finally learn to commit. And even when I was younger than 25 and thought I would be ready for a relationship, I clearly wasn't. Way too nervous, way too independent. When I was ready, though, my husband dating me the way he did, being very upfront about his feelings for me and lots of physical affection helped a ton. I still felt ready to bolt at any time though, until I cared too much about his feelings to ever hurt him or pull away. I just couldn't get enough of him and still can't.

    So...I think many of us ENFP girls have expressed the friendship coming first helped in most of our circumstances. If you want to be patient for this one, either way you will want to be friends with her. You would have to gage how ready she is to commit at this age and then maybe it would take a few years. See if you can do some friendship kind of stuff and get closer.

    I don't know. I like this idea of you being with an ENFP. Maybe find out about her Ennegram. I know you know what you are about, so if this is it for you I know you following your intuition will work as long as she can see you as what she wants in life. You'd have to explore that with her to see and keep stepping up--- but you've always got dead-on intuition in my opinion. I like this.

    Even right now I'll tell you that I really am loving my ENFP friendships. ENFPs are rock-solid friends when needed. You can always trust us to care, truly, and who else can you find that from in that same way really? If anyone could navigate being with another one of us, I think you could. Keep me posted, pm whenever you like, I'll just listen, I know you always really have a good handle on a situation.
    Apparently you hit the nail on the head here, especially with your stuff about what you were like when you were younger. Firstly, I think she does like me, or at least I made a move today and she was really happy about it. I forgot how much I love the simple pleasure of just holding hands and walking with someone. So my intuition WASN'T wrong it wasn't abandoning me after all these years which tbh is the biggest relief, I was literally so confused for a while there thinking my trusty gut was malfunctioning or something. Like I said she's much more assertive (outgoing) than the girls I normally go for but she did seem nervous today about being around me when we left our friends to go for a walk. I can sense an underlying fear of getting too involved I think, but I feel like I've matured and reached a point where I'm better equipped to carry an interaction through and be the steady one.

    Yeah I think everything you say about yourself reminds me of her. I was also obviously where she is at now at one point so I know some of the perspectives. I don't really know what I'm expecting from this, so just basically nothing and take it one day at a time, but it could be an interesting year. I never ever ever ever even thought about an ENFP as an option before.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  11. #10

    I dated an ENFP for awhile. My neuroticism dropped to 0 when I was around her. No worry or overthinking. Just being together. When it ended, it was mutual. No lasting feelings of regret or what if's, which was nice. All in all, a fun match-up.
    Tridentus and Llyralen thanked this post.


     
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