[ENFP] Love advice needed from your infp sister :) ..

Love advice needed from your infp sister :) ..

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This is a discussion on Love advice needed from your infp sister :) .. within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hi guys. I am asking this question here because you guys know a lot about other mbtis and would probably ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    Love advice needed from your infp sister :) ..

    Hi guys. I am asking this question here because you guys know a lot about other mbtis and would probably provide better judgement.

    I have been seeing an ENTJ post 3-4 weeks after my previous breakup. We met on an online dating app (guess what it is..lol). He said "I think you're a lovely person to know" - which for some reason struck a chord in my heart.

    We bonded because he was also involved in a breakup. His breakup was amicable and done respectfully, while I was more of discarded (my ex was abusive, and the breakup was traumatizing). So we have been going together to support recovery groups, anger management, communications classes, etc. It is pretty heavy. I spent a few nights at his apartment with just cuddling, cause I couldn't have sex yet. Eventually we began making out and then it developed into...a relationship. I felt like he found pieces of me in a metal scrap yard and re-built me.

    Fast forward to two days ago, on the peak of the relationship, he tells me that his counselor asked him that he needs to be single in order to work towards being a better person. He is working on some "anger" things, his ex cheated on him with a couple of men. I find it so hard to believe cause the man is eye candy and very GRR (in a good way). But I am supposing, the anger side I have not seen was so bad that it might have caused his ex to dismiss him completely. His job is working on airplanes and it seems like a very toxic industry, and very high percentage of divorces as well.

    I honestly have not seen him angry, but that night when he was trying to tell me that both of us need to be single so we can work out on issues, I felt mad. I was already attached to him, and I know that I was in a bad breakup, but because my ex lied to me from the beginning till the end of our relationship, kind of made me believe that the entire relationship was false, and just like a "movie" that I am trying to bury in the back of my mind.

    But my new guy does want to be "efficient". He says if he does not change now, what happened to him and his ex will happen to us again. He said he will not be on dating sites because he does not want to be with anyone else after already meeting me. I assumed hardcore that he wanted to breakup because he got tired of me and that he used me. I am sorry. This is what years of lying and gaslighting can do to a woman. Sigh. He also said he has a long childhood history of his dad telling him most people are just out to get you, and want something from you. I assume he wants to fix his entire self. I kind of insinuated to him last night that "hey maybe in your next relationship, etc" halfway through dinner he looked me in the eyes and said "I am not over you." It kind of caught me off guard, and I felt it was one of the saddest things in the world.

    Anyway this all feels so heavy for me. In a sense, it might have been "easier" to assume he just used me, but it now seems like he wants to go through the recovery process and sort of is asking me to go through with it with him. What do you think? Has anyone ever heard of this before? I was already trying to flirt with other men before he told me all these things. Now I feel like a douchebag. How do you know if someone is worth waiting for? This is going to take months. Why does it feel like I know him so much, and I understand him so much and vice versa, despite the fact that we are both very different?
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  2. #2

    The ENTJs I know tell it straight. He would not be making this up and he really wants to get it right. I feel like I got to know him from the bit that you told us, so kudos to you as a good writer! The dialogue was just enough to totally feel like I'm there at that dinner.

    Okay, I think it's a great opportunity for a very solid relationship. So he's asking you for what exactly? To be a friend? To not have contact through this time with the plan of hoping to meet up later? Would he want you to go to his counseling with him (that sounds far-fetched, doesn't it? As a possibility) But what if you worked on yourself and you kind of supported each other in doing so and in going to counseling and in talking things out.... I find the idea kind of romantic and a really solid foundation for a relationship after that. You could work on good communication skills and the works. I kind of like the idea, but find out what he is hoping for. =) Good luck!

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Llyralen, thank you, initially for kudos-ing me on my writing abilities, I still remember everything so vividly, even how my stomach butterflied when he said he was not over me. I had assume all night and all day, after our break up talk, that he just got sick of me and wanted to move on to greener pastures. Theres bad communication when it comes to feelings, if done over the phone, and the guy is ENTJ. I was also mad that this was discussed over the phone and not in person. He said he felt things and thought of things, but did not know how to bring it up because he did not know what to do.

    From what I remember, he said he wants to work on himself, and if we are still friends by the time he gets better, then there is a possibility we can start a relationship. There is no time frame, but I assume it to be a few months. No relationship obviously means no sex, not a lot of sleepovers, no expectations, nothing. Not as much text messages as we used to send each other either. He said that he saw how my face lights up every time he picks me up from my place, but he said that I need to find other ways of happiness and not just from him. Obviously, I was just happy because hanging out with him makes me happy. If someone gave me a pet cat or dog, I would be happy too.

    Last night he said he wants to be close friends with me. We were at a restaurant and we both enjoy vegan food (a very recent thing for both of us). He seemed to enjoy knowing I write about him in my journal. I think his face lit up, and he brought up again wanting to "have this" all the time. I am a little confused about "still" going to counseling together, there were times when he said that the anger management class is important, but at the same time he did not clarify if we should still go together. So I am assuming he does not. It's only fair anyway.

    Anywayyyy..I spent the night at his place but we didn't do anything. He asked me to stay over and watch black mirror with me, cause he said he doesn't want to watch it without me. How fucking sweet is that. We were in bed but I fell asleep and noticed him tossing and turning all night, obviously because he didn't want to break his own rules. Lol.

    I miss him.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Ahh.... I could listen to you all day talk about it. Okay but with ENTJs don’t assume anything. Ask for clarity and a plan on how you guys are going to be friends through this period. He will SO appreciate it— and make that plan together including if it’s okay to go to meetings together or what. Also, ask if he wants you to work on anything in particular too OR (better) think of how you want to work on yourself and then tell him and ask that you both keep each other accountable.

    He wants to be someone that is GOOD at his relationship. He wants to be someone that is worth holding onto. This is awesome! So... yeah... this is totally neat! It could be that you guys even get deeper, that you share your worst past moments with each other, accept each other, are grateful for the changes, and move forward together. Neat!

    And yeah... that was funny... of course he isn’t your sole source of happiness, but he was worried. Kinda cute. Really cute. 🙂

    Sounds like he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes with you— that’s awesome self-growth!
    catherder thanked this post.

  6. #5

    I know only little about ENTJs but as much as I know, what they say, they mean it directly. No hidden meanings or secret interpretation behind the thoughts. And this guy gave you hope that everything is practically possible :)

    Which kind of person you tend to be when initiating relationships? You might want to think if you usually believe friendships can turn into relationships after some time then go for it :) If you're more like me who doesn't believe into such pathways and everything has to be clear right from the beginning, it'd most likely be a hard time for you to hope for that :)
    catherder and Llyralen thanked this post.

  7. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    I am worried of getting hurt. :( Theres not a lot of reassurance.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by catherder View Post
    I am worried of getting hurt. :( Theres not a lot of reassurance.
    You can do it! No regrets!


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