[ENFP] INFJ or ISFJ lovers? - Page 2

INFJ or ISFJ lovers?

View Poll Results: Would An ENFP Rather Marry An: INFJ or ISFJ?

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  • INFJ

    5 83.33%
  • ISFJ

    1 16.67%
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This is a discussion on INFJ or ISFJ lovers? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; @ JennyJukes Yeah, it is said the Sensor/Intuitive contrast in a ENFP-ISFJ relationship can be a problem; yet, socionics claims ...

  1. #11

    @JennyJukes Yeah, it is said the Sensor/Intuitive contrast in a ENFP-ISFJ relationship can be a problem; yet, socionics claims the "perfect" partner for an ENFP is an ISTJ, which, IMHO, would be a terrible matchup from some of the ISTJs that I know. I can see an ISFJ-ENFP marriage working out better than a ISTJ-ENFP marriage. My friend is an ISFJ and his little sister is an ENFP and they have a great relationship, so I know it works well in a platonic atmosphere.

    @Fallingfoxes Due to the stereotype, INFJs will likely take the win in the polls, but I'm curious to know if the "magical" aspect of an INFJ-ENFP romance can happen in an ISFJ-ENFP romance, or will the S/N contrast be too fatal to the relationship. Naturally, any two types can work, but there's no arguing some types click more instantly than others.
    Falling Foxes, PurpleKitti and Llyralen thanked this post.

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by ShadowedWords View Post
    @JennyJukes Yeah, it is said the Sensor/Intuitive contrast in a ENFP-ISFJ relationship can be a problem; yet, socionics claims the "perfect" partner for an ENFP is an ISTJ, which, IMHO, would be a terrible matchup from some of the ISTJs that I know. I can see an ISFJ-ENFP marriage working out better than a ISTJ-ENFP marriage. My friend is an ISFJ and his little sister is an ENFP and they have a great relationship, so I know it works well in a platonic atmosphere.

    @Fallingfoxes Due to the stereotype, INFJs will likely take the win in the polls, but I'm curious to know if the "magical" aspect of an INFJ-ENFP romance can happen in an ISFJ-ENFP romance, or will the S/N contrast be too fatal to the relationship. Naturally, any two types can work, but there's no arguing some types click more instantly than others.
    Can't say it would from my perspective. I naturally drift apart from ISFJs despite their loyalty. I'm talking strictly friendship, I had a couple of childhood friends who were ISFJs. One of whom I discovered once we were older and I no longer dominated the friendship with my ideas and enthusiasm that I never really knew the ISFJ and without my influence we had nothing in common so I really struggled to reconnect. I guess I found the ISFJ easy to bulldose unintentionally and I wouldn't want that in a relationship. An ISTJ sounds even worse but... I might say the opposite if I met one at peak maturity but let's be honest in how likely that is with any type. To be honest the "magic" of an INFJ really has nothing to do with the Fe so simply replacing the dom-function doesn't keep that more common connection imo. An INFJ approaches everything the same way but from the opposite side as an ENFP which is why that works, with ISFJ it isn't so simple.

    In terms of growth, sure, a Si-dom would be good for me but I've never found the right amount of excitement in a Si-dom to be attracted to them (I know that's the urge to run away from Si talking). I know it's meant to be my job as an ENFP to bring all of that into the relationship but I don't need that pressure, I'd prefer it be a two-way street where my partner is plotting all that excitement with me, I don't actually want the anchor people say that the ENFP needs.

  3. #13

    @Llyralen Care to add to the discussion?
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  4. #14

    I only have one experience of my own to look back on, but I can definitely say INFJs really draw me in. They're great at drawing me in, but unless I find one that has several similar interests in common with me, it's really hard for me to stay interested.

    On the other hand, I can't help but notice how a lot of the characters I feel inspired by happen to be classified as INFJ.

    I'm still pretty new to mbti (my ex girlfriend got me into it) so it seems like a lot of information to grasp at once.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  5. #15

    You know, I never really had that need for my romantic partner to be high intuition like me. I can't think of anyone I've previously dated who was, either. Pretty sure they were all sensors. And I never tried to plan for it, either. I definitely enjoy long conversations, but they can be about anything, they don't have to be highly intuitive as long as I have others who will fill the intuitive slot for me. I have an INFP mom and an INFJ friend who will do that with me (mostly the INFJ, really). I have/ had a female ISFJ, female INFJ, and male ENFP friend whom I could spend houuuuurrrrrs talking to about just whatever. With all three of them I have had phone conversations of up to 7-10 hours long some nights. Also my E(S?)FP dad (more certain than ever he's S) I used to have long conversations with about anything interesting, and I had good, solid ones with my ISFP brother, though not usually very long. And for the most part, my ESFP husband fulfilled the majority of what I felt I needed from our relationship to a point... that I didn't mind how quickly he checked out from intuitive conversations.

    Conversations with the ISFJ were often us taking turns to ramble/ listen. She would update me on all the people we knew from our past, what they're doing, how well they've been, etc. Stuff that was challenging to keep up with, but I didn't mind, honestly. And I couldn't have remembered it all if she'd ever quizzed me on it. XD But she was happy just to have her say, and then listen to me if I had an hour's worth of something to talk about. And we'd go over each other's head from time to time, but it was okay. And then we'd usually meet somewhere in the middle for the rest of the conversation. The male ENFP was pretty much the same way, lol, although it was lots of intuition of course. But plenty of waiting an hour for the other to finish speaking about something. XD

    But my husband was also an excellent RPer, which was always actually really important to me. (The INFJ and ENFP are also, but I've done the most of it with him.) And that was always actually an important need for me, interestingly enough.

    What mattered most to me in romantic terms was how much we had in common in terms of interests and activity.
    JennyJukes, Llyralen and ShadowedWords thanked this post.

  6. #16

    Hi @ShadowedWords . Have you moved anything forward yet? PM me on it if you would like. You know I like hearing it.

    I don't think ISFJ would work for me. I need N talk. S talk rarely stimulates my intellect. However, lets make sure to look at the individual. Plus, what if some people are "jumpers" and rely on their third function if their third function is Ni or Ne.
    The ISFJ male who I dated was very strong on his Si and Ti, and then lovely in his Fe... but it all came across as controlling and controlling will never work! NEVER work! for an ENFP no matter what the type is. In DaveSuperPowers speak, I guess he would have been ISFJ MF Sleep/Blast/Play/Consume, yes that makes him a jumper. Oh boy... now that I can talk about it in those DaveSuperPowers terms... this was SO not going to work. That being said, I am attracted to Sleep functions together I'm discovering and Enneagram 1s seem very attracted to me, interestingly.

    The ISFJ I dated was mostly long-distance and then when we got together in person I think he wanted me to be a certain consistent way, you know? I was not like the other girls he had dated. He was used to women who cared about practical stuff. Immediately he started criticizing things about me. I worried right away that he just wasn't attracted to me in person, but that wasn't the case. It really was all this stuff about "What kind of girl doesn't wear a watch? You don't have a purse? This is the only bag you packed?" I guess this is Si + Ti. I kind of pride myself in packing light. He became very controlling in my opinion. He was holding my hand which was lovely, but feeling like I couldn't communicate was awful. My Ne completely shut down. I knew I couldn't conjecture or explore philosophy with him. I had brought my roommate with me when we met and she was an ENFJ and wanted to talk about all the philosophy and conjecture I usually talk about and tried to bring me out. It wouldn't work. I felt so stupid talking my Ne, I just couldn't. Our silence was deafening to me. We had really connected Fe and Ti to Fi to Te long distance. In fact, we were talking marriage long distance, but that connection in person meant one night of passionate making out, both of us knowing it was over and still caring about each other, knowing that was it. The stony silences and what felt like criticism to me meant that was it for me and whatever he had expected did not happen.

    Oh... oh yeah. INFJ men can come off with that controlling Ni-Ti thing too. I think it's just like my Fi can get punchy morally and want the person I'm trying to get to know to agree and accept my Fi, which they are going to have to do. So I think INFJs can also do the same with their Ti… like "I like things THIS way." But my experience with INFJs is that if they decide to care about me, then this melts as... what? I'm not sure why it melts. Maybe that means they are losing interest lol. Maybe it melts as they realize they cannot control me and wouldn't want to? I'm unsure. Do you have an answer on that?

    I believe... but I don't know... that there is actually an ISFJ man Enneagram type 1 who is kind of infatuated with me right now and I'm ignoring his interest as is right and I'm surprised and a bit flattered of course. Anyway, interested or not, he seems kind of forceful too. He assumes a lot about how I feel about things. He was talking to me about how he was handling his messy son and thought I would take the same line of thought "I can't stand the idea that he would leave this for his future wife to clean up. I don't want to raise him to not care about others." I said "Pick your battles" and I thought "Dude, you have no idea but you would go nuts being with me." Anyway, I talk my talk and he seems to find it fun to follow along and does respond back somewhat. He is really intelligent (and extremely talented musically too) and I'm not sure that I can say that about the ISFJ who I dated before. This might sound crazy, but I just flat out have to have intelligence in whoever I'm with regardless of type. I have to have intelligence at least equal to mine and caring. If that is the whole package then I demand the whole package. In friendships too. However, that is just conjecturing of what it would be like. This guy will realize soon that nothing will happen and I don't know how he will deal with that. He's kind of a forceful kind of guy! He is used to making things happen, anyway. Eek! Hopefully he gets the idea out of his head on his own. I am ignoring it although it is impossible for me to not spend a spare second on "what if?" and I did talk to my husband about it. The "What if" isn't good imo like he might think it might be! Oh gosh, I've deleted this once already.

    I don't know.. I'm kind of sensitive to when and where my Ne type of talking is going to work and when it's not.

    And I just realized a friend who I thought was INFJ is ISFJ in the last few months and what we clash on makes so much more sense. Usually it's when I'm asking her to see an alternate possibility from whatever story she is telling. She takes people's stories at face value even if what they are saying is a sob story that seems melodramatic to me. Protagonist and villain kind of stories that I feel I see other sides of the story. I don't know if every ISFJ does that.
    I think ISFJs are more varied than we are. The neuroscience says so... that whatever profession an ISFJ chooses or whatever interests they take that this creates very different brains in Si doms. Their repetition in whatever it is fine-tunes those brains to those activities.

    Anyway.... I need someone who can handle my Ne, which my INFP husband is glad to do and his Si doesn't want to limit me like my INFP sister's does.
    Last edited by Llyralen; 03-10-2019 at 11:32 PM.
    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.

  7. #17

    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJukes View Post
    I find with Ne-doms there's sometimes an expectation that I have an immediate answer that they can then bounce off and keep the conversation going. For me, I like to take quite a bit longer to think of my answer.
    FWIW I'm the same. Can't really keep up with aux Ne users even, never mind Ne-doms. On topics I've spent time researching and contemplating, I'll generally have several perspectives they haven't thought of, but I'm relatively mute on new topics or topics I haven't previously been interested in. Give me a few days to research and think about it and I can do reasonable damage, but dominant Ne often operates on a timescale of seconds or minutes at best.

    My conversations with my ENTP brother tend to either go nowhere, if I happen not to be interested in or knowledgeable about the topic, or everywhere when I am.

    I call it mental ping-pong. I'm more of a sniper.
    Llyralen, tarmonk and temptingthesea thanked this post.

  8. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by Marvin the Dendroid View Post
    FWIW I'm the same. Can't really keep up with aux Ne users even, never mind Ne-doms. On topics I've spent time researching and contemplating, I'll generally have several perspectives they haven't thought of, but I'm relatively mute on new topics or topics I haven't previously been interested in. Give me a few days to research and think about it and I can do reasonable damage, but dominant Ne often operates on a timescale of seconds or minutes at best.

    My conversations with my ENTP brother tend to either go nowhere, if I happen not to be interested in or knowledgeable about the topic, or everywhere when I am.

    I call it mental ping-pong. I'm more of a sniper.
    Oh I really enjoy talking with aux Ne, I get my Ne stimulated and I get more time to think of an answer! I don't feel as pressured to think of something witty either. When I was first talking to my INTP and I guess we were getting flirty, I kept just trying to keep up with his Ne and it was so playful. I admitted to him later I was trying my hardest to keep up with his wit/playfulness and he said he was doing the same to me

    I have the same sense of humour as ne-aux.
    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.

  9. #19

    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJukes View Post
    Oh I really enjoy talking with aux Ne, I get my Ne stimulated and I get more time to think of an answer! I don't feel as pressured to think of something witty either. When I was first talking to my INTP and I guess we were getting flirty, I kept just trying to keep up with his Ne and it was so playful. I admitted to him later I was trying my hardest to keep up with his wit/playfulness and he said he was doing the same to me

    I have the same sense of humour as ne-aux.
    Me too, absolutely - I think every single one of my favourite comedians is an INxP.

    It's more that when they specifically want to play mental ping-pong, I can rarely reply quickly enough. I remember one night when my INFP ex randomly suggested we come up with magical creatures, she instantly invented something ... I forget what it was, some kind of fox I think ... and while I was thinking about a reply, she fell asleep when I hadn't replied after 5 minutes I think it took me around 20 minutes to come up with something I was satisfied with, after which I fell asleep, somewhat embarrassed.

    I suck at answering questions of the "name the first red/magical/whatever thing that comes to mind" variety. Often nothing comes to my mind for a couple of minutes while I contemplate the question parameters. It is possible that I do come up with something, but dismiss it as not good enough before it reaches my awareness; sometimes when I watch my mind very closely I can almost detect vague mental images coming up before they disappear.

    Mostly, however, I am not aware of anything other than silent contemplation going on - until the exact right thing appears in my consciousness. I guess the most likely explanation is that there's a ton of filtering going on before things make it to my awareness. The first fifty options get dismissed for not fitting the parameters to the T, and only #51 is good enough to pass through all the filters from my subconscious mind to my conscious mind.

    Sniping is really the best metaphor I can come up with ... I only pull the trigger once I've got my target nailed down, I've factored in the distance, wind, muscle control etc. My INFP ex is more of a "gatlin gunner" - just point the mind in the general direction of the thing and keep firing until something hits, haha.
    Last edited by Marvin the Dendroid; 03-11-2019 at 01:41 AM.
    JennyJukes thanked this post.

  10. #20
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJukes View Post
    I find with Ne-doms there's sometimes an expectation that I have an immediate answer that they can then bounce off and keep the conversation going. For me, I like to take quite a bit longer to think of my answer which may lead the Ne-dom to become bored or assume I'm not creative or intelligent. I found with my ENFP he spoke a lot, I liked to mostly listen to what he was saying but it took me a while to piece it all together and I couldn't always give him an immediate comment on what he was saying. He thought this meant I was incapable of deep thinking when I was just enjoying listening.
    ...
    My assumption is that with Fi/Te you guys are confident in what you believe and it's easier to pull it out at will, whilst my Fe/Ti added with inferior Ne tries to consider all possibilities and perfect an answer. Does that make sense and ring true for you?
    I think it isn't problem of you being ISFJ that it takes too long to process information and answer to that but what you described is
    just how ENFP's mind often works - sometimes nothing seems fast enough :) But sometimes it'd be useful for ENFP to adjust pace of thoughts slightly according to their partner.

    I'm together with INFJ but I've done the same mistake occasionally when I'm very excited about some ideas - expected very quick answers without realizing that not every person's mind works the same way. But in most cases it's not even required that the partner needs to answer to absolutely everything - that's the way we often just brainstorm out loud and explore our thoughts. What matters is that another person is willing to at least listen to you :)

    I haven't been in relationship with ISFJ thus can't say directly about that but I'd think very likely S/N communication barrier would kick in. I can see that even based on my 2 sisters who are most likely ISFJ and ESFJ + my previous partner was ESFJ too. All the issues we had over time were like by the book although it wasn't a fault of either of the persons because now in relationship with different persons both can manage it well. Although one could probably handle whatever type of person in relationship, I think not exactly all combinations of the personalities are equally easy.
    Marvin the Dendroid thanked this post.


     
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