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Would An ENFP Rather Marry An: INFJ or ISFJ?

INFJ or ISFJ lovers?

[ENFP] 
5K views 21 replies 10 participants last post by  Tilia 
#1 ·
A question for ENFPs. Which type can you envision having a long lasting relationship with, marriage and platonic: INFJs or ISFJs? If you would, explain the reason for your answer and any personal experience in this scenario you may have.

~Cheers :heart:

(If you're too lazy to write a response, then answer by clicking either option on the poll :tongue:)
 
#2 ·
I think the bias will tilt heavily towards INFJs. So be prepared, this thread will become predictable and boring.

This one is actually pretty difficult, as I trust ISFJs to commit and be always around. Of all types, ISFJs are easy for me to trust, which is super important. Also, I want to feel like a team and have active interest/support in each others interests.

When going as far as marriage and longterm relationship, I figure it would be more succesful and easy with a ISFJ. However, I would have to settle down on not having the unique and profound conversations I have with INFJs, which helps a lot for keeping me interested and intrigued by the other person. Then again, it's harder to trust INFJs, it will become a battle for the emotional support and who has a tougher life etc. etc. -- ISFJs are a lot more practical and hands-on, not dwelling so much on past old hurts. That is at least how I envision this all.

If I have to answer the question, then I see it more likely happening with a ISFJ.

I'm now extremely happy to have had the first reply. This way the thoughtless and inevitable ENFP-INFJ ''yay'' can be absorbed and offset.

Muhahahahahah :ninja:
 
#3 ·
I was assuming it would go the same way too, which I completely understand. From my experience I wouldn't work out with an ENFP but I can see how it would work well with an INFJ. Still, it's nice to hear we can actually be considered when there's so much poor stereotypes about us.
 
#9 ·
I have an obvious intuitive bias. You could have said ISFJ Vs INFP or INTP and the answer would still be the same.

I've had one amazing relationship with an INFJ, so... Yeah, sorry, I'm boring because I've seen how when it works it can be intense. I'll keep saying it every time someone keeps asking it though so... Not my fault the question keeps coming up.

I just need someone who can humour me creatively, it's more likely that intuitives will do so at the depth I crave. Obviously some sensors slip through into my circles but I get so easily bored if I can't explore intuitive subjects (for lack of a better description).
 
#11 ·
@JennyJukes Yeah, it is said the Sensor/Intuitive contrast in a ENFP-ISFJ relationship can be a problem; yet, socionics claims the "perfect" partner for an ENFP is an ISTJ, which, IMHO, would be a terrible matchup from some of the ISTJs that I know. I can see an ISFJ-ENFP marriage working out better than a ISTJ-ENFP marriage. My friend is an ISFJ and his little sister is an ENFP and they have a great relationship, so I know it works well in a platonic atmosphere.

@Fallingfoxes Due to the stereotype, INFJs will likely take the win in the polls, but I'm curious to know if the "magical" aspect of an INFJ-ENFP romance can happen in an ISFJ-ENFP romance, or will the S/N contrast be too fatal to the relationship. Naturally, any two types can work, but there's no arguing some types click more instantly than others.
 
#12 ·
Can't say it would from my perspective. I naturally drift apart from ISFJs despite their loyalty. I'm talking strictly friendship, I had a couple of childhood friends who were ISFJs. One of whom I discovered once we were older and I no longer dominated the friendship with my ideas and enthusiasm that I never really knew the ISFJ and without my influence we had nothing in common so I really struggled to reconnect. I guess I found the ISFJ easy to bulldose unintentionally and I wouldn't want that in a relationship. An ISTJ sounds even worse but... I might say the opposite if I met one at peak maturity but let's be honest in how likely that is with any type. To be honest the "magic" of an INFJ really has nothing to do with the Fe so simply replacing the dom-function doesn't keep that more common connection imo. An INFJ approaches everything the same way but from the opposite side as an ENFP which is why that works, with ISFJ it isn't so simple.

In terms of growth, sure, a Si-dom would be good for me but I've never found the right amount of excitement in a Si-dom to be attracted to them (I know that's the urge to run away from Si talking). I know it's meant to be my job as an ENFP to bring all of that into the relationship but I don't need that pressure, I'd prefer it be a two-way street where my partner is plotting all that excitement with me, I don't actually want the anchor people say that the ENFP needs.
 
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#14 ·
I only have one experience of my own to look back on, but I can definitely say INFJs really draw me in. They're great at drawing me in, but unless I find one that has several similar interests in common with me, it's really hard for me to stay interested.

On the other hand, I can't help but notice how a lot of the characters I feel inspired by happen to be classified as INFJ.

I'm still pretty new to mbti (my ex girlfriend got me into it) so it seems like a lot of information to grasp at once.
 
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#15 ·
You know, I never really had that need for my romantic partner to be high intuition like me. I can't think of anyone I've previously dated who was, either. Pretty sure they were all sensors. And I never tried to plan for it, either. I definitely enjoy long conversations, but they can be about anything, they don't have to be highly intuitive as long as I have others who will fill the intuitive slot for me. I have an INFP mom and an INFJ friend who will do that with me (mostly the INFJ, really). I have/ had a female ISFJ, female INFJ, and male ENFP friend whom I could spend houuuuurrrrrs talking to about just whatever. With all three of them I have had phone conversations of up to 7-10 hours long some nights. Also my E(S?)FP dad (more certain than ever he's S) I used to have long conversations with about anything interesting, and I had good, solid ones with my ISFP brother, though not usually very long. And for the most part, my ESFP husband fulfilled the majority of what I felt I needed from our relationship to a point... that I didn't mind how quickly he checked out from intuitive conversations.

Conversations with the ISFJ were often us taking turns to ramble/ listen. She would update me on all the people we knew from our past, what they're doing, how well they've been, etc. Stuff that was challenging to keep up with, but I didn't mind, honestly. And I couldn't have remembered it all if she'd ever quizzed me on it. XD But she was happy just to have her say, and then listen to me if I had an hour's worth of something to talk about. And we'd go over each other's head from time to time, but it was okay. And then we'd usually meet somewhere in the middle for the rest of the conversation. The male ENFP was pretty much the same way, lol, although it was lots of intuition of course. But plenty of waiting an hour for the other to finish speaking about something. XD

But my husband was also an excellent RPer, which was always actually really important to me. (The INFJ and ENFP are also, but I've done the most of it with him.) And that was always actually an important need for me, interestingly enough.

What mattered most to me in romantic terms was how much we had in common in terms of interests and activity.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Hi @ShadowedWords. Have you moved anything forward yet? PM me on it if you would like. You know I like hearing it.

I don't think ISFJ would work for me. I need N talk. S talk rarely stimulates my intellect. However, lets make sure to look at the individual. Plus, what if some people are "jumpers" and rely on their third function if their third function is Ni or Ne.
The ISFJ male who I dated was very strong on his Si and Ti, and then lovely in his Fe... but it all came across as controlling and controlling will never work! NEVER work! for an ENFP no matter what the type is. In DaveSuperPowers speak, I guess he would have been ISFJ MF Sleep/Blast/Play/Consume, yes that makes him a jumper. Oh boy... now that I can talk about it in those DaveSuperPowers terms... this was SO not going to work. That being said, I am attracted to Sleep functions together I'm discovering and Enneagram 1s seem very attracted to me, interestingly.

The ISFJ I dated was mostly long-distance and then when we got together in person I think he wanted me to be a certain consistent way, you know? I was not like the other girls he had dated. He was used to women who cared about practical stuff. Immediately he started criticizing things about me. I worried right away that he just wasn't attracted to me in person, but that wasn't the case. It really was all this stuff about "What kind of girl doesn't wear a watch? You don't have a purse? This is the only bag you packed?" I guess this is Si + Ti. I kind of pride myself in packing light. He became very controlling in my opinion. He was holding my hand which was lovely, but feeling like I couldn't communicate was awful. My Ne completely shut down. I knew I couldn't conjecture or explore philosophy with him. I had brought my roommate with me when we met and she was an ENFJ and wanted to talk about all the philosophy and conjecture I usually talk about and tried to bring me out. It wouldn't work. I felt so stupid talking my Ne, I just couldn't. Our silence was deafening to me. We had really connected Fe and Ti to Fi to Te long distance. In fact, we were talking marriage long distance, but that connection in person meant one night of passionate making out, both of us knowing it was over and still caring about each other, knowing that was it. The stony silences and what felt like criticism to me meant that was it for me and whatever he had expected did not happen.

Oh... oh yeah. INFJ men can come off with that controlling Ni-Ti thing too. I think it's just like my Fi can get punchy morally and want the person I'm trying to get to know to agree and accept my Fi, which they are going to have to do. So I think INFJs can also do the same with their Ti… like "I like things THIS way." But my experience with INFJs is that if they decide to care about me, then this melts as... what? I'm not sure why it melts. Maybe that means they are losing interest lol. Maybe it melts as they realize they cannot control me and wouldn't want to? I'm unsure. Do you have an answer on that?

I believe... but I don't know... that there is actually an ISFJ man Enneagram type 1 who is kind of infatuated with me right now and I'm ignoring his interest as is right and I'm surprised and a bit flattered of course. Anyway, interested or not, he seems kind of forceful too. He assumes a lot about how I feel about things. He was talking to me about how he was handling his messy son and thought I would take the same line of thought "I can't stand the idea that he would leave this for his future wife to clean up. I don't want to raise him to not care about others." I said "Pick your battles" and I thought "Dude, you have no idea but you would go nuts being with me." Anyway, I talk my talk and he seems to find it fun to follow along and does respond back somewhat. He is really intelligent (and extremely talented musically too) and I'm not sure that I can say that about the ISFJ who I dated before. This might sound crazy, but I just flat out have to have intelligence in whoever I'm with regardless of type. I have to have intelligence at least equal to mine and caring. If that is the whole package then I demand the whole package. In friendships too. However, that is just conjecturing of what it would be like. This guy will realize soon that nothing will happen and I don't know how he will deal with that. He's kind of a forceful kind of guy! He is used to making things happen, anyway. Eek! Hopefully he gets the idea out of his head on his own. I am ignoring it although it is impossible for me to not spend a spare second on "what if?" and I did talk to my husband about it. The "What if" isn't good imo like he might think it might be! Oh gosh, I've deleted this once already.

I don't know.. I'm kind of sensitive to when and where my Ne type of talking is going to work and when it's not.

And I just realized a friend who I thought was INFJ is ISFJ in the last few months and what we clash on makes so much more sense. Usually it's when I'm asking her to see an alternate possibility from whatever story she is telling. She takes people's stories at face value even if what they are saying is a sob story that seems melodramatic to me. Protagonist and villain kind of stories that I feel I see other sides of the story. I don't know if every ISFJ does that.
I think ISFJs are more varied than we are. The neuroscience says so... that whatever profession an ISFJ chooses or whatever interests they take that this creates very different brains in Si doms. Their repetition in whatever it is fine-tunes those brains to those activities.

Anyway.... I need someone who can handle my Ne, which my INFP husband is glad to do and his Si doesn't want to limit me like my INFP sister's does.
 
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