[ENFP] ENFP lying about cheating

ENFP lying about cheating

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This is a discussion on ENFP lying about cheating within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; tl;dr: My ENFP boyfriend confessed about cheating on me (INTP), but after 3 days said he was lying about cheating ...

  1. #1
    INTP

    ENFP lying about cheating

    tl;dr: My ENFP boyfriend confessed about cheating on me (INTP), but after 3 days said he was lying about cheating on me to hurt me for hurting him.

    As an INTP I really don't understand ENFP's emotional decision making. Maybe some of you folks can explain me exactly whats going on with this ENFP.

    I have been in relationship with him for more than 4 years. We both love each other. The only bone of contention are my friends (all girls). He strongly believes that my girlfriends are immoral people and I should not associate with them in any way. But I disagree. I don't see any logic in it. I have known them for long and yes they might behave amoral (slutty) sometimes but I don't care what they do in their personal life. They are only few people I feel comfortable hanging out. We had multiple arguments and fights over this.

    Last week I met them for girl's night out. It was a house party. I did tell him about the plans, but he was getting angry so I dropped the subject. On the evening of the party, I told him but he didn't say anything.

    Next day he told me that he got drunk because I went with my friends despite his objection. He hooked-up with someone and cheated on me. He was very upset and cried. Apparently the guilt was killing him and he wanted to let it out. I was devastated. My ex boyfriend had cheated on me and this ENFP was the one who helped me recover from heartbreak and made me smile. He always told me how dearly he hold his morals and would never cheat or lie.

    I asked him to give me time and Il be back when Im ready. We didn't meet for next two days. However he constantly kept sending me messages.

    On third day he came to my home and told me that he was angry at me and wanted to hurt me, so he made-up the whole cheating story. However he did confess of chatting up with a girl on a dating site but swore nothing happened between them. He said he is not a cheater and would never do such a thing.

    It made me even further angry because he chose to hurt me exactly where it would hurt me the most due to my past experience.

    Few things-
    1) During second month of our relationship, he told me that he went on a date with someone, while still being with me. But later changed the story and said he doesn't remember when it happened. According to him it happened before meeting me.
    2) While I was out of country a year back. One of my friends caught him on a dating site. He said he was bored and just wanted to chat.

    I do love him alot and can see our future together, but this emotional drama is too much for me. He is loving kind and caring. Someone I can connect to and talk. I don't want to throw it all away because of one lie or a hurtful emotional decision he made in drunken state. However he is making it difficult for me to get back with him.

    It would be great if any of you ENFPs can tell me whats going on.



  2. #2

    I'm not the greatest at helping people, but I'm one of the first seeing this so I suppose I'll express my thoughts. This is just a hunch, but it sounds like there's something bothering him you need to get to the bottom of. Being an ENFP myself, what you describe sounds like passive aggressive behavior. Even basing my advice on my own experience, it sounds like he's unsatisfied about something. I don't know either of you well so I can only go based on what you said. I'm no doctor or psych analyst, but I am someone who cares.

  3. #3

    Okay, this might just come across as insensitive but... here I go anyway:

    This doesn't sound type related, this is some deep seated insecurity and emotional manipulation. Lying to hurt you? lying about lying to make your head spin and leave you in an uncomfortable position where you can no longer trust what you thought you could before? Trying to separate you from your friends and somehow making himself out to be the victim when you don't listen?

    Don't let him get away with that kind of attitude. Don't sympathise with his need for calling victim, you didn't do anything he just decided he felt insecure and had to take it out on you for some reason. You deserve to choose your friends, that's not his decision to make, you need to be firm on this. If he really is an ENFP then his morality is out of whack and you need to slap him with a firm dose of reality. Sometimes the only way to cut through an ENFPs emotional bubble that we create is to lay down hard truths. Be blunt, explicit, to the point. Don't sugar coat things. I'm not saying this won't hurt him but if he can get over himself for long enough to listen it might be enough to make him snap out of it.

    I can't relate to him but I've been on the receiving end of this behaviour. I can't promise that ended up as a success story. My problem was that everytime I tried to be blunt and explicit the other one would end up pleading victim and it hurt me, it made me waiver and become too soft and without realising it the argument brought me two steps back as I was bending over backwards to accommodate them instead of the other way around. Maybe you can avoid that. The only time I managed to hammer in the point home was when I had one foot out the door because suddenly it snapped them out of this comfort and made them realise it was real and that was when the real self improvement happened. Just don't give unlimited second chances if that behaviour creeps back in when you think you are comfortable again.
    Alassea and Azure Dreamer thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    He is hurting and acting out. This is passive aggressive behavior.

    I’d say if you want to have a life with him, I’d get the two of you in therapy. He needs to explore the emotions that are going on with him and he needs attention on those emotions. Make sure to find an experienced relationship counselor who connects with both of you.

    Um, this will only get worse if unaddressed. This seems like a huge cry for help from an ENFP, but he is very confused about his needs and he does seem attached to you.
    Last edited by Llyralen; 03-15-2019 at 09:53 AM.

  6. #5

    This isn't type related at all. Look at both statements he told you 1) he cheated on you 2) he lied about cheating on you after the fact.

    I'll try to not go on a long point here.
    He cannot be telling the truth about lying to you and cheating on you.
    At best, if he hasn't cheated on you, he's show he is willing to lie about cheating and manipulate you that way.
    If he has cheated he is back peddling and lying about it to get back with you (again manipulation as well). (sounds similar to

    It's a bit of grey onto the going out with friends if he objected (it's healthy to be with friends but discussing what's bothering them is fine as well). I don't think a night out with friends is anything one should have to be worried about with a SO and can be healthy part of socialization and mental health.

    I cannot tell you what's right or will even advice what to do but

    The only thing I can do is ask what do you want?
    If it's for advice on them as a type as foxes said this isn't type related.
    If its relationship advice well that's tough to advice. Based solely on what you've told us I can only find them a liar and manipulating you.
    If you want to stay with them and they do as well counseling would be helpful for both you as a couple and individuals.
    If you choose to have more time to decide that's fine.
    If you wish to leave that is also your choice.

    Your hurt and feelings are valid and should not be minimized by anyone, including yourself.

    It's your choice in the end to make and what you are willing to live with.

    Things like this hurt a lot no matter what but please remember cheating and lying isn't excluded to any personality type.
    The pain can pass, you may have to take it one day at a time for a long time but it will eventually pass.
    Don't be afraid to process things as well.
    Falling Foxes thanked this post.

  7. #6

    ENFP guy here...

    I can relate to your story because I have resorted to unsavory methods of working out relational issues when I was younger. Specifically a very immature version of me did practically the *same thing*. It was with the "first love" of my adult life, and I fell head over heels for the woman. She fell for me too but she was the first to return from "lala land" and couldn't snap me out of it, she kept telling me her feelings were changing but I insisted on staying in cloud 9. The breakup was very tough for us, and just about everything I did in reaction to the situation was *really stupid* and just made everything worse. The last thing I did was take a trip to another college to meet a girl. Nothing happened, we didn't really like each other, we just hung out, but when I came back I told her I slept with her. I expected her not to care since we weren't together, but she actually was shocked and hurt by it. That ended up being the last straw for her and things between us completely ended after that.

    Moral of the story is immature people can sabotage their relationships lol

    ENFPs are very VALUES oriented, so the situation with your immoral friends is likely something that grinds him deeply. It's likely not a preference or surface level turn-off but rather something that hurts his heart.

    People who feel powerless in a relationship when they feel hurt, wronged, or love that isn't reciprocated will often act out in unhealthy ways to get their partners attention. Your ENFP lying to you is likely a cry for help, a warning something is wrong, something like that. If they don't have a history of cheating and they didn't immediately dump you after the confession, theres a good chance the dude actually loves you but is using an unhealthy form of manipulation to try to work out the problem.

    Immature or unhealthy ENFPs will encounter these sorts of issues in relationships until they can develop strong communication skills and a strong enough will to walk away from something when their values are being violated. But I have to admit, putting myself in your guys shoes, if I was with a woman who hung out with girls like you describe and they insist on going out to parties with them without me, i'm not going to pull some strange drama, I would dump them. It's just true that you can't violate an ENFPs values and be in a relationship with them.

    My advice: your ENFP needs to grow up, but if you can't find a compromise in that situation that appeases your ENFPs values, walk away now because it's going nowhere. Maybe not what you wanted to hear but its da troof!

    Best of luck to you!
    Llyralen thanked this post.


     

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