[ENFP] dealing with bossy ENFJs at work

dealing with bossy ENFJs at work

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This is a discussion on dealing with bossy ENFJs at work within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; ...

  1. #1

    dealing with bossy ENFJs at work

    Hi everyone! Pure, loving, embracing ENFP here. But ENFJs at work are turning me into a grumpy cat.

    Here's a sample of everyday behavior I can't stand anymore.

    1. Disrespectful tone of voice. Always talking? Not a problem. But why hitting the volume of a taking-off jumbo every single time they talk? It's hard to concentrate.
    2. The "you must" mantra. You must eat this, you must eat that. Did you do what I told you to do? Come here, watch this video. (Erm, in 5 mins...) NO! Come here! You gotta see it now!
    3. Their way or no way. "Let's go to that cafť for lunch" seems a friendly request. But god forbid you wish you had the freedom to go to another cafť. They pout and sulk.
    4. They fake dialogues.This is one of the main issues for me. You can't have a dialogue with them: if you are lucky you'll be able to interrupt their overdetailed monologue, but after a quick pause they'll start from where they paused, without showing any sign of listening to you.
    5. You must entertain them. Know-it-all people, if you touch a topic when they can't be bossy because they're obviously not into that, they won't ask or comment. They'll go away or frown.
    6. They know best. Talking to someone about that restaurant? No, they've been there and it's not good (not for them, but for the whole universe). Here's a list of places where you really should go instead. Did you book a table? No? Do it now!
    7. They fake empathy. Their so sparkling that you think they feel you. Actually, you're the audience.
    8. They are insistent. No is never an answer.
    9. Everything they do is right. Everything others do is wrong. They judge you all the time.
    10. They "sell" their ideas all the time, even if there's no need to. They try to convince you and push you, but ENFPs will recoil.
    11. They act like bosses even if they don't have the authority to do so.
    12. You tell them something, they disagree. Then tell you the same thing you said previously and claimed they are right.
    13. They generalize A LOT. I guess they live by heuristics, which is normal, but in their case it's too much.


    I work with a holy male INFP, three funny female ENFJs and one off-chain male ENFJ.
    The INFP and I are getting more and more frustrated, sad, complaining. We feel invaded and emotionally abused because these people are also friends of us. Yes, we tried to talk to them. More sulking.

    Other ENFPs having this "too much" feeling? <3
    Last edited by LittleEnfp; 07-10-2019 at 08:27 AM.
    Fru2 thanked this post.



  2. #2

    There are personality types that I clash with big time in the workplace.

    Hard to necessarily tie it down to a type since people can act very differently in the workplace. I do understand the pragmatic nature of running a company since I run my own. Sometimes executive decisions need to be made and no matter how much you explain it and try to show people who are failing to reach a standard how your trying to help them and do everything you can to keep them as a valuable resource, sadly sometimes they won't hear it at all. Being on both sides of this helped with perspective and how sometimes people come off as rather rude or difficult when needing to execute what is best for an organization.

    That said, my biggest rub in the workplace is really anyone who lacks openness and an ability to lead properly. In my 19 some years of working with various companies, I have seen a wide range of leaders. There are a few who were really fantastic and helped me a lot, but most management are hired because of credentials and not leadership skills, which means they act more like they are operating out of a textbook and not actually leading. The sad truth is it's far too common to see people in management positions who are surrounded by smoke and mirrors, they actually do very little work and don't lead teams well. Infact I have seen entire organizations embrace high turnover segments of the company and never call into question it's not the quality of their human resources they hired but the poor management style embraced by the company.

    To properly lead an ENFP you have to ask questions and try to understand them before rushing to a conclusion, if they need development you need to be able to connect them to their goals and do things that motivate them.

    Another thing that is difficult is when company cultures are built in a way that caters to a few employees who fit into a cookie cutter, and everyone else is secretly uncomfortable with that culture. It all gets really insincere and fake and behind the scenes it's totally toxic, but the company is in denial about it and never addresses the real problems. Those sorts of cultures shut me down and turn me into something I hate, playing this fake game that actually doesn't benefit the company.

    I could rant forever about this lol

  3. #3

    If you clearly tell an ENFJ what you really like / don't like, and they don't listen at all, then they're either not an ENFJ or super duper unhealthy.

    Sometimes with Fe types you have to get louder than you may want to be. There can be an "ok, I'm listening" followed by a "well actually no, you should..." from them. But if you come back straight away and put your foot down a little, reiterate your preference, they SHOULD listen to you.
    A bonus of putting the work in to make yourself extra clear to a Fe type is that once they realize there are many areas where you do not agree, they often will respond with more effort than you might anticipate to accommodate.

    I think of ENFJs as memory foam. They are very open to the scope of human differences.
    Statistically, it's unlikely to have that many ENFJs at one workplace... have you considered ESFJs instead?
    As sensors, ESFJs are more likely to have those strong opinions on eating places, foods, and other sensory related stuff. ESFPs can be very loud and opinionated too around sensory things. Both types are much more common, and tend to try to "own" workplace cultures.

    Anyway... I mainly decided to respond to encourage you to find your voice and speak up to the level you need to in order to give the loudmouth people around you no choice but to hear you. It can be tempting to try to block out annoying people, but if they persist then it may be that they don't understand how strongly you disagree with them.
    tarmonk, LittleEnfp and Fru2 thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ENFP

    I do work together with 2-3 potentially ENFJ persons in my larger workgroup. They don't seem to be exactly what you described above (maybe yours are unhealthy or any other type at all) but one of them (female version) is sometimes a bit insistent/demanding. It's hard to tell how exactly I handle this kind of situations as I can naturally easily "manage" differences of people.

    But it's something like that I do "care more" and I'm more smooth with her and her thoughts when she needs support from me than for an "ordinary everyday" person, otherwise ENFJ can be easily offended :) And aux Fi can easily feel bastard/jerk for dom Fe types if you don't consider that. Haven't seen similar in the other 2 ENFJs (one male, one female). You only need to find balance within yourself to not compromise yourself if you're an ENFP but fortunately, for ENFPs it often is naturally easy to consider differences of people and adjust your communication according to that.
    LittleEnfp thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Ya, I didn't get on with an ENFJ. We had this understanding where we'd both do things our way, but her involving 100 people for each project (forgetting the right people...) was just horrible. We weren't buddy-buddy so we didn't have each other's back. Glad we parted ways.

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by Sour Roses View Post
    If you clearly tell an ENFJ what you really like / don't like, and they don't listen at all, then they're either not an ENFJ or super duper unhealthy.

    Sometimes with Fe types you have to get louder than you may want to be. There can be an "ok, I'm listening" followed by a "well actually no, you should..." from them. But if you come back straight away and put your foot down a little, reiterate your preference, they SHOULD listen to you.
    A bonus of putting the work in to make yourself extra clear to a Fe type is that once they realize there are many areas where you do not agree, they often will respond with more effort than you might anticipate to accommodate.

    I think of ENFJs as memory foam. They are very open to the scope of human differences.
    Statistically, it's unlikely to have that many ENFJs at one workplace... have you considered ESFJs instead?
    As sensors, ESFJs are more likely to have those strong opinions on eating places, foods, and other sensory related stuff. ESFPs can be very loud and opinionated too around sensory things. Both types are much more common, and tend to try to "own" workplace cultures.

    Anyway... I mainly decided to respond to encourage you to find your voice and speak up to the level you need to in order to give the loudmouth people around you no choice but to hear you. It can be tempting to try to block out annoying people, but if they persist then it may be that they don't understand how strongly you disagree with them.
    Wow, you're so wise and analytic that I'm feeling more peaceful. After reading your thoughtful comment I realized that I MUST :) work on my assertiveness and state my feelings clearly without muttering. Also, I'm amazed by the statistic improbability of a crowd of ENFJs. I really want to thank you.
    Sour Roses thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by providence View Post
    There are personality types that I clash with big time in the workplace.

    Hard to necessarily tie it down to a type since people can act very differently in the workplace. I do understand the pragmatic nature of running a company since I run my own. Sometimes executive decisions need to be made and no matter how much you explain it and try to show people who are failing to reach a standard how your trying to help them and do everything you can to keep them as a valuable resource, sadly sometimes they won't hear it at all. Being on both sides of this helped with perspective and how sometimes people come off as rather rude or difficult when needing to execute what is best for an organization.

    That said, my biggest rub in the workplace is really anyone who lacks openness and an ability to lead properly. In my 19 some years of working with various companies, I have seen a wide range of leaders. There are a few who were really fantastic and helped me a lot, but most management are hired because of credentials and not leadership skills, which means they act more like they are operating out of a textbook and not actually leading. The sad truth is it's far too common to see people in management positions who are surrounded by smoke and mirrors, they actually do very little work and don't lead teams well. Infact I have seen entire organizations embrace high turnover segments of the company and never call into question it's not the quality of their human resources they hired but the poor management style embraced by the company.

    To properly lead an ENFP you have to ask questions and try to understand them before rushing to a conclusion, if they need development you need to be able to connect them to their goals and do things that motivate them.

    Another thing that is difficult is when company cultures are built in a way that caters to a few employees who fit into a cookie cutter, and everyone else is secretly uncomfortable with that culture. It all gets really insincere and fake and behind the scenes it's totally toxic, but the company is in denial about it and never addresses the real problems. Those sorts of cultures shut me down and turn me into something I hate, playing this fake game that actually doesn't benefit the company.

    I could rant forever about this lol
    Thank you so much for your valuable insight. If this person was my boss, I'd deal with it with a different approach. Our issue here is that our colleague is being bossy... with our boss, too! :D
    Sour Roses thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Not sure about these being ENFJ.

    This just sounds like a person with psychopathy or sociopathy to me. Lacking empathy, unflappable ego, etc.

    Fi users need to stop equating Fe with fake empathy. It's absolutely not true. Fe is nourishing, even smothering. Sacrificial, warm, gentle. Easily hurt. I think an ENFJ would be one of the least likely types to be a psychopath.

  10. #9

    I doubt they are all ENFJs, but ENFJs can definitely be bossy. I think any EJ type is bossy, pretty much. They get into the ďsuper highwayĒ of decision-making in their brains and sometimes have a difficult time jumping out of it to get more information or feedback and they NEED it... so you have to be assertive, yes, and they know they need people to be assertive, so once itís in their brain that something is wrong then they SHOULD listen and actually appreciate you more after. If youíre dealing with super unhealthy ones then itís not pleasant and who knows, but still stand your ground. Everything will be much better if you express yourself and stand your ground.

    Donít expect them to be aware of what it would be like to be in your place... thatís an ENFP specialty and we ENFPs usually think people should know what itís like to be the other person (Fi) and most people havenít got the first clue. Donít expect any imagination in this way, especially from ESTJs. So you have to tell them you are having problems and also what would be better. If you learn this now, youíll have about 20 years on me (less grief than I had).
    Sour Roses, Fru2 and providence thanked this post.

  11. #10
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    Donít expect them to be aware of what it would be like to be in your place... thatís an ENFP specialty and we ENFPs usually think people should know what itís like to be the other person (Fi) and most people havenít got the first clue. Donít expect any imagination in this way, especially from ESTJs. So you have to tell them you are having problems and also what would be better. If you learn this now, youíll have about 20 years on me (less grief than I had).
    It's really mindblowing when you think about it.. I've always expected others to be able to see my pov the way I see theirs. I've felt rather exposed when I've had that mindset, since it feels like each piercing eye is a look into my soul and each remark is taking my perspective in account. Turns out that's not the case, and we're just excellent at seeing different perspectives. I think that with this ability we can let others see what we see and make others more accepting of different views.

    @LittleEnfp I've had the same experience with an ENFJ, she had all these conditions and standards of what's the right way to do things. We can get really sucked into their worlds and see it as completely valid, since from their pov it's the ultimate ideal way. Any refusal to cooperate will be met with a frown, that's because every Fe dom will take you under their wing and see you as a part of themselves, and when one part doesn't work with the other, theres a feeling of inner tension that cant be expressed, so anger starts to build up. Then one part of the 'organism' starts communicating with the other parts in order to try and fix the 'problem'(you), and if that doesn't work, that part will be rejected from the body, thereby deeming you not part of the group. Any remark that you make from that point onwards will not matter to these ENFJs since they'll see you as irrelevant. They will however react with a backlash since you're causing further discomfort within the group.

    So what can you do about it? Be aware of this process and try to be on their good side while trying to make them see your perspective. Don't get too meta about it, because that will confuse them further, just remind them that others are also allowed to have their own opinions.
    providence, Llyralen and LittleEnfp thanked this post.


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