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Help me (personal development stuff)

[ENFP] 
992 views 19 replies 9 participants last post by  chickydoda 
#1 ·
Ever since highschool, I have struggled to live as an adult.
-I haven't done much work or study
-I've been hospitalised for mental illness stuff twice
-have returned to living with my parents
-struggled in friendships and haven't had a boyfriend

-I used to babysit a lot when I was in highschool. Having an extra $20 a week was nice. In my current situation I can earn up to $200 or $300 a week on top of what I get now. I am anxious about getting a job because I'm scared something from my past will bite me in the ass or I won't be able to do the work required of me (making someones coffee correctly, dealing with an angry customer or cleaning playground equipment.) The extra money would really help though and would make me feel like less of an outcast. To be honest, having a job is like my biggest dream right now, I feel like if I worked maybe everything else would fall into place. It's really embarrassing telling new people that you are unemployed when they ask about you and not everyone is that understanding. We've had family friends harrass my parents about me not working so I feel bad for them too.
-I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I would love to be a public figure but I feel like I've already trashed my own reputation and if I put myself out there, I would be harming people I care about, so that's off the table. Unfortunately I have a million different interests so I don't have any clear path or direction to go in. I'm thinking about going to Bible college next year to study theology and counselling, but there's no guarantee I'll want to be a counsellor at the end of it. I might get a session with a careers counsellor and see if they can direct me. Someone thought I would make an excellent public speaker, other people have said writer, teacher, childcare worker, professor or counselor. I'm interested in being infront of a camera, photography, coding, blogging, fitness/health/weightloss, personal development, church stuff. I want to earn a good income, but I want to do something I'm passionate about so my life goes around my work and not the other way around, but those sorts of jobs don't seem to pay very well unless you are the best. I also value the kind of job where you are always learning and being stretched.

-When I was growing up, I really wanted to be a teacher and a mom. Now, I don't think I'll ever have a family because what guy is going to date someone that can't/won't have kids. Like, maybe if someone was able to pull out a magic wand and take away my mental health problems I would change my mind in a heartbeat, but after being in hospital, I don't think it's kind to be away from my children for months at a time trying to get well again, and I'm not even sure how I would handle pregnancy because I would probably have to go off my medications which has been a disaster in the past. I have been around other peoples kids alot in the last few years and I start to get annoyed with them after five minutes unless they are on their best behaviour and acting super cute, so maybe kids is not for me but it feels hard to let go of a dream, and would it be different if they were my kids? Plus, people with Bipolar are much more likely to have kids with Autism and I don't think I could handle that.
-I think I have mild Aspergers, but I hate to admit it because I just want to be like everyone else. I find it embarrassing and shameful because some people have not been kind to me about it. Maybe I would feel differently if I knew more people like me. I have ADD as well.
-Ever since getting released from hospital last year, I have had support workers visiting me twice a week. They try to help me set goals but I fight them every step of the way. For example, they are trying to get me to sleep less and stop napping but I am miserable when I'm away from my bed. I want to sleep all the time, I think I have sleep apnea. I feel like I would be happier accomplishing goals on my own, but at the same time, I'm not motivated enough to do it. They want me to stop sleeping so much, but I'm thinking life isn't worth being awake for. I've lost so many things I've cared about, and life has never been that good for me... well my childhood years were pretty special, but ever since then it's been one disappointment after another. I feel like the support workers are somewhat patronising, like I don't want their help but would I end up back in hospital without them, or in a worse place than I'm in now? I guess I just want all the credit for whatever accomplishments I make. I know how to make to-do lists, and set short/medium/long term goals etc. I'm not really sure why they are there, they ask what I want help with, and I get confused because I'm not sure why they are there... I think they monitor me, make sure I take my pills etc? one of them is going to help me with cleaning and teach me a few new recipes, so that will be nice I guess.
-I've been struggling with my weight since I was a child, and I can't stick with healthy habits for more than a few days at a time. My whole life is a mess. I can't get myself to do anything for more than a few days, my moods and energy come and go in waves. I have established what activities bring me the most pleasure or success than I find myself fighting myself to do those things, I seem to face inner resistance at every turn, like omg why am I such a loser? Like when I was at school, I barely paid attention and I never did homework, but I knew I had to be there, so I always showed up on time... 1/3 things right. I wish I were rich so I could afford a personal assistant, even if it was so I had someone to keep me company while I exercise, then poke and prod me until I've done the things on my to-do list. I'm great at looking after other people, but terrible at looking after myself. I wish I had a mother figure who followed me around all day, or could learn self discipline in the military or went to boarding school and did everything in social groups. Me trying to do everything by myself doesn't seem to work, but I can't think of any way around it.

-Living with my parents is mostly good but I've moved to a city where I only have one friend, who is now tied up with a boyfriend, and I have responsibilities to do with my family (volunteer/unpaid childcare and dog walking). I feel like some people may look down on me living with my parents, but its fairly common now. I've said that I will keep living with them until I get married but I kinda wanna try living in a fun girls only flat for a while and there are some ways that living on my own would be easier.

-I have struggled in friendships because of diva behaviour on my part, not understanding how other people work, having poor judgement and being treated like shit by people.
-I had this friend all through high school who I later learned had been talking trash about me behind my back to other people that I thought were friends with me but soon refused to associate with me. At least, I think that's what was going on because she made the mistake of trash talking me infront of my sister.
-I used to have this superhero complex where I would befriend people that others deemed as undesirables and take them under my wing. Turns out they didn't want to be saved or pampered so they would hurt me instead. Some would spread rumours about me, spread secrets I had told them in confidence and one girl even hit me a few times. High school stuff.
-Moving around hasn't helped. Some people stop talking to you when you move overseas because "out of sight out of mind" or they assume they will never see you again.
-the boyfriend thing is a mystery to me, I think the main thing is that I haven't met that many guys in my life but I do wonder if I have too many undesirable qualities and no-one would ever be interested. Or my standards are too high. I did pine after one person for 12 years that has finally proven to be a dead end so I'm finally open to dating other people. Unfortunately, the whole thing has been rather nerve racking and I'd rather hide under my bed than meet new people. I tried running a singles dating group with my friend but it was mostly older men showing up and I was not interested in that.

I feel like there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Thanks for processing all that, I know it's a lot.
 
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#2 ·
One step at a time. Pretend you have no past and that you’re a baby. Your imagination is jumping to end results or images or ideas rather than living with the small steps that it takes to get to anywhere that you need to go. This is why you need help from the home health ladies. You can’t go from avoiding life to suddenly being a public figure. You can’t go from sleeping all day to a life with a good job friends and boyfriend. You CAN, however, decide to keep small goals that will build habits that will build confidence for you to do better things. But you have to realize that it is these small goals and achievements that will make a difference. You have to congratulate yourself at every step and respect the process of growing skills and confidence and habits.

You need to just pretend that you’re starting over like a baby after the hospitalization and do each thing that is being asked of you and then congratulate yourself on doing that small thing.

Your home health ladies, you need to work with them. They are trying to help you on the small steps that you have not been giving respect to. They have more perspective on what it takes to get to the end result because they are likely older than you and know some of what it takes to end to the end result. Tell them what you told us. Tell them you would like eventually to have friends, maybe even a boyfriend, a job and to move out. They will help you set small goals that will build to bigger ones.

It is really only through 1000 small choices that anyone gets to any good place in their life. Those small choices have to be respected and celebrated, starting with getting out of bed in the morning, and then there is getting breakfast and accomplishing something even if it is just walking the dog.

A quote by Mother Theresa (No, I’m not Catholic and I don’t have to be) is: “We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.”

In this case loving yourself enough to accomplish some small things today.
 
#3 ·
P.S. On sleep apnea if you are waking up exhausted then you likely do have it. My husband had a bad case, couldn’t figure out why waking up exhausted after 14 hours of sleep shouldn’t mean he just needed more sleep. His sleep apnea meant he would wake up more tired than before because his brain was getting deprived of oxygen. I used to count 45 seconds between gasps for air while he was sleeping and the doctor wouldn’t listen to me since he was young. And my husband had had the problem for years and had no sense of what normal sleep was and thought I was just bugging him when he was just someone who needed a lot of sleep. If you need more than 10 hours in 24 hours then get checked out. I’m buddies with the sleep expert here. For my husband, it took him getting an appendicitis and his nurse freaking out about him not breathing to get a doctor to listen and get him diagnosed. It basically changed his life. I wonder if he would have been dead by now if he hadn’t started his bi-pap at age 28. Definitely and very soon get that checked out.
 
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#4 ·
You sound way too harsh on yourself, Chicky.

My only advice for you right now is that you need to work on loving yourself, bettering yourself and being confident in your own body.
I would not worry about finding a boyfriend or marriage at the moment.

You said it's hard for you to stick to healthy habits and that you struggle with your weight. So first things first, you need to work on discipline. Put gasoline on that tertiary Te you have and start developing a healthy exercising and diet routine.
Not only is this good for your physical well being, it's also good for your mental well being. It can't hurt.

Next, you said that having a job is a dream of yours, but that you're interested in too many things. I relate to that a lot and it took me a long time to find an area I'm truly passionate about and can stick to.

Find a niche where you know you'll never be lazy and flake on. Then find a career path for that niche.

PM me if you want to talk.
 
#7 ·
Those are good goals! I think it’s good to work on sleep first since if you’re not getting enough restful oxygenated sleep how do you expect to have energy for anything? It’s a great goal! Also the timing like your ladies want you to do. Then you can start to get past that goal onto other things.
 
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#9 ·
heres a few thoughts I had reading your post:

1. be careful about projecting all of your thoughts about yourself and your situation in the future. I had a very serious problem with this in my 20s, I think the term would be "foreboding" and it's the idea that you are projecting and expecting negative things about your future. The truth is most of your worries won't be complete disasters and having a hopeful perspective is seriously life changing.

2. Do not see your failures as extensions of your identity but external problems you can analyze and solve. For instance, say you keep getting hurt in friendships because they go south and are tempted to believe "something is wrong with me" or whatever. Often times if you spend some time objectively analyzing your situation you can come away with insights you didn't realize. An example of this would be say, you notice when you start to get close to people a growing fear they will abandon you. Take some time and try to think about the first time you felt that fearful feeling. Maybe something in your past happened that gave you this fear of abandonment, you can go back through and process thru whatever happened and over time you will notice that feeling starts to fade. What you may have not realized was this past experience was what was hurting your relationships, not you as a person. Once you can take these reoccurring issues in your life and remove them from the category of just some amorphous part of your identity and see them externally and objectively, you will start to feel freedom and empowerment to solve problems in your life.

3. Work - just do something you think you might like. Try to master it and learn as much as you can. If it doesn't work out long term, try something else. Yes you may fail or try jobs you don't like but each experience you get is valuable and helps you to understand yourself together. There is a dimension of discipline involved but that can come quite naturally from how much it sucks to be unemployed lol. All the experience you gain while building your career path will end up working in your benefit. fail forward it totally a thing when it comes to work lol
 
#13 · (Edited)
Chicky is stuck in hanger. Chicky needz halp asap pls (sorry I couldn't help but read your post as your avatar's.)

Though I can't relate to all you said, I'm dealing with the whole adulthood thing too, and I've noticed that unfortunately no amount of wise words can help as much as taking action. Sure, it's important to ask for advice, but I'm sure you already know everything you have (want) to do and just need motivation. Thing is, motivation usually doesn't come until we begin a task. You don't find the energy to work out until you start working out, you don't find the courage to apply for a job until you write an email with your CV and letter attached to it, you don't find the focus necessary to study something until you start reading which sparks your curiosity, etc. As Llyralen said, it's all about baby steps, and the 1st one (the motivational one) is the most important one, once you start you're on your way to accomplish things day by day.
Otherwise, it's easy to find motivation in enjoyable tasks, and if none of them is enjoyable at all, you're thankfully gifted with Ne-dom superpower which allows you to switch perspectives and see chores as games. Pretend you're in a video game, pretend you're just a character experimenting things then measuring your skills and progression in various areas of your life can become fun or at least not so anxiety inducing. If you're feeling like you hit the lowest point in your life, then things can only get better !

So what I'd advise is to focus first on what's easiest and most enjoyable (or least horrendous) for you. You mentioned that work was the most important thing for now, so maybe you can start gathering information on some jobs, applying to those who seem in your realm, and why not fix an appointment with a career counselor. I completely relate to your state of mind when you imagine what it would be like to have this job or this one, and I'll tell you the same thing my precious INFJ friend told me : "just try and see ! you'll figure out what works for you, you can't predict beforehand how it's gonna be." (yes, yes, it was an Ni-dom who said this to an Ne-dom, sometimes it's really obvious how we're the 2 sides of the same coin. Sometimes we ENFPs need a good old Te kick – or inferior Se kick in the butt from well-intentioned Ni-doms – to make those Ne fantasies reality.) You're super lucky to live with your parents (that's not sarcastic at all since I'm in the same situation while all my friends have their own apartment) because you don't have to worry about paying a rent which allows you to experiment plenty of jobs with no negative consequences in case you fail. And failure happens but that's how we learn and increase confidence.

Unfortunately I have a million different interests so I don't have any clear path or direction to go in.*
^THIS. That's the downside of Ne. You'll find a ton of threads on this issue in the ENTP section of the forum, it seems that not having Te but Ti makes them even more prone to this than ENFPs in general. Anyway, I used to envy people who had one clear path in which they could invest all their energy to succeed, like pro surfers or skaters, programmers, college teachers, musicians etc. But in the end, I don't think we necessarily need to make money with our biggest hobby nor be passionate at work. I find that what's the most convenient for me is a stable, decent job that wouldn't infringe upon my precious free time (so, teacher is a big no no) which I can dedicate to all my hobbies. I won't earn money by superficially enjoying kite, guitar, art, literature, programming, architecture, design, fashion, hiking and so on. But I can earn money AND enjoy my stuff. After my masters degree I spent 2 years of professional wandering but decided I'll be a librarian just because (librarians are specialists of information, so they're kinda superficially skilled in a ton of areas beyond that, it's like the root of knowledge). I followed training courses, failed an exam, volunteered in a tiny library, applied to jobs, got interviewed, failed, networked, THE WHOLE TIME doubting, feeling like this dog :
Photo caption Photography Asphalt Soil

But I finally found a part-time job in a college library which makes me the happiest (I haven't started yet but I'm already super happy since it's exactly what I was looking for). I don't have the pretention to serve as an example, it's just to give you ideas of potentially satisfying jobs, and to tell you that all our efforts always pay off one way or another, even if it's not obvious at first, even if we keep questioning our choices. I think it's healthy for ENxPs to question everything, but if it becomes paralyzing the best we can do is to set a goal and pretend there's no other option. Find the tiny ISTJ within you to unlock your tremendous ENFP potential ! Maybe you'll be happy with a decent part-time job besides which you could achieve your dream of becoming a public figure, whether it be by streaming on twitch, starting a youtube channel dedicated to personal growth and travels or anything you deeply enjoy ! What matters the most is that your job doesn't prevent you from doing what you like.

Finally, it can be just a matter of time, even if it seems never ending... we process a lot of things everyday, unconsciously, and sometimes it happens to magically wake up with everything clear in our head and enough motivation to get things done. Reading you I feel you have a ton of desires and ideas so I'm quite confident you'll manage to live the life you want sooner or later :happy: even if your mental health is an obstacle for now (I'm not qualified to advise you anything other than to keep following what specialists tell you to do, to take your medication etc. Hopefully it'll get better !)
 
#15 ·
Ever since highschool, I have struggled to live as an adult.
-I haven't done much work or study
-I've been hospitalised for mental illness stuff twice
-have returned to living with my parents
-struggled in friendships and haven't had a boyfriend
These things, it's not a shame to have tough life, mental illness or anything. The only shame is that you let these things drag you down.

I can relate to many things I've read from your post, my experience might not be as tough as yours but I feel you.

First, you have to learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. It's hard, especially when we can see our flaws so clearly. You have to accept them all as a part that made you who you are now, mental illness, all those symptoms, all those hurtful words people say about you. Only when you truly accept and embrace your flaws and your past that you can guide yourself through life. Only when you love yourself that you are protected from your own flaws.

One step at a time, I suggest you to think hard about what you want from life, and what can you do to make sure those dreams come true. You want to be in front of people and speak? Go on, do it now. You want to be in front of a camera, photography, coding, blogging, fitness/health/weight loss, personal development, church work, do them all, not tomorrow, not next week. Do it now. If you don't do these things you will never know what you want out of life. Explore it however you wish, but when you do find the thing, stick to it no matter what comes your way.

You are right, those jobs don't pay well unless you are the best of the best, but let me ask, isn't it the same with any job in this world? Yes, some paths are tougher and more treacherous than the other, but if you truly choose it, accept the consequences of your choices. Be resourceful, make a fortune out of whatever you have. Make it out of what you choose and make it so that nobody can look down upon you for the choice you make.

I'm not sure about the western culture about living with parents as adults, but I see no shame in it. If that's what you think is right, do it.

-I have struggled in friendships because of diva behaviour on my part, not understanding how other people work, having poor judgement and being treated like shit by people.
-I had this friend all through high school who I later learned had been talking trash about me behind my back to other people that I thought were friends with me but soon refused to associate with me. At least, I think that's what was going on because she made the mistake of trash talking me infront of my sister.
-I used to have this superhero complex where I would befriend people that others deemed as undesirables and take them under my wing. Turns out they didn't want to be saved or pampered so they would hurt me instead. Some would spread rumours about me, spread secrets I had told them in confidence and one girl even hit me a few times. High school stuff.
-Moving around hasn't helped. Some people stop talking to you when you move overseas because "out of sight out of mind" or they assume they will never see you again.
-the boyfriend thing is a mystery to me, I think the main thing is that I haven't met that many guys in my life but I do wonder if I have too many undesirable qualities and no-one would ever be interested. Or my standards are too high. I did pine after one person for 12 years that has finally proven to be a dead end so I'm finally open to dating other people. Unfortunately, the whole thing has been rather nerve racking and I'd rather hide under my bed than meet new people. I tried running a singles dating group with my friend but it was mostly older men showing up and I was not interested in that.

I feel like there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Thanks for processing all that, I know it's a lot.
Friends are ... well, flickering. I've had similar childhood as yours, though. I want you to ask yourself. Do you truly want these people in your life? There is no right answer I can tell, but I do suggest you focus on what's truly significant to you.

Sometimes, we only need so much friends, sometimes, I think, only a warm smile of a person who truly values you worth more than a whole bunch of shallow friends.

One day, you will find someone who truly appreciates you and truly embrace your desire to help them. Well, from what I read, you seem like a good person. And not every story good persons are treated fairly. But I believe someday you will be treated with genuine respect.

If my answers seem to be, eh, well, grating, I'm sorry. I genuinely want to help.

The sleeping issue, I agree with @Llyralen You should definitely check it out as early as possible.
 
#18 · (Edited)
I'm forty and there are several truths I have found out about society.

1. Gigantic population, the Earth is a big place with a lot of people. When people say they've ruined ALL relationships within their circle. Just get a new circle and start over. Try to apply past failures to succeed in the future.

2. Most people are selfish. The people that state they're not I'm even more suspicious of. I have a woman I work with in the field, she's very nice to a lot of people. You would think at first glance that she's not selfish but once I've become her friend and listened to her wants and needs, she's ultimately coming down to one thought, Me. We're taught that being selfish is a bad thing from birth which I think is counterproductive because everyone on this planet is worried about their own body. So when I go into the ring of the social-political game I have to keep that in the back of my head. When I think is this person upset at me? Most of the times it will be, no, they are not. They're thinking about their failures and triumphs in their head. They might be thinking Joe at the door and if he's pissed off at them? Or they could be thinking about how to successful dodge a 50 caliber machine gun that fires 3,000 bullets per minute while attempting a naruto run towards a military base to discover its secrets? Most of the stuff people think about has nothing to do with you. It's just your inner voice telling you to worry about something that is no big issue. Unless you bring it up, you might not even be on the person's radar. I try to find a way to ask the question of what people think of me and then take the answer by social ques. Of course, I only do this with people I care about and might suspect I've harmed the relationship.

3. There is no age limit. The younger ones in their 20s will try to convince themselves there is this magical age cap. That if you don't do this by this time you're an ultimate failure. Just remember KFC founder made that recipe and his chain stores when he was in his 60s before then he was some poor chap wondering where his life had gone. It wasn't until I was thirty-four until I found my break. A lot of us older-gen are now going through the fuck it stage. Meaning we've over thirty-five and I'm going to do what I want to do.

4. You can always start over (also points to number 1, it's a big world). There is a saying one step at a time. It sucks to start over but it's helpful if you think you're at the end of a path. Try to figure out what went wrong the first time and try something different. People that do the same steps over and over again expecting a different outcome is mind-numbing to me. I have a close friend to me, she was at a no end job and she hated it with a capital H. She's 43 and she's also in a marriage she hates. She gave her two-week notice still caring about what everyone thought of her even though she would never change their opinions and this ultimately upset her. In the end, I try not to cry over things I can't change. If I found out I don't fit I leave. I don't try to force the foot in the shoe. This woman is a sweetheart and she should be loved by everyone but workplace politics happen and somewhere down the line a rumor got out of hand and she never was able to change it. She tried for five years which would only take me a couple of months to leave a toxic environment. Everyone told her to leave, and she would say, I can't. Yes, you can. You can always start over, you can always leave. She's now in a better place once she let go and started over in a new group.

5. No one owns anyone and no one owns you. I think it's hysterical that the work environment (super manager) thinks they can be as rude and obnoxious to an individual because they think they own them at 12.00 an hour. I can throw a rock and hit 10 companies hiring for the same thing at the same pay. Again getting paid and being successful with money will make life a little easier or harder depending on how you look at the glass but it still comes down to one truth, no one owns you. I find most people who think they are trapped, actually put the cage and chains on themselves.

In my twenties, I was like this. I had this feeling like I hadn't achieved anything and was an ultimate failure. I found out it was all in my head. Everyone can start over and find something they're good at. You can find multiple things you're good at. Just don't worry about what others think of you, and just do you. One day someone will fit perfectly and that job you seek might never happen but just create your happiness.

I can give you a lot of wise words but until you decide to make those changes there's nothing any of us can do because ultimately it's your body and your mind. I can tell you, your worse critic is always going to be yourself and that inner voice may not be accurate. You could see the world in focus the way you want to perceive it but what it really is a blurry mess and then you realize you can paint and bring it into focus.
 
#19 ·
So... I went on this date with this guy I have admired from a distance on an online dating site about two weeks ago, and after about half an hour he made a sex joke then mentioned his genitals, so I walked out.

I'm doing pretty well as of three days ago. I have decided that the most important thing to me is to lose weight and to help people. I am a Christian and believe that I will be richly blessed in the afterlife if I store my treasures there, so money doesn't really matter if that makes sense. I had a few spiritual dreams lately that make me think I'm doing the right thing. I want to go to bible college and help as many people as possible. My friend is also an Aspie and she had a job working as a teacher aide and she LOVED it. She said that she got paid more than minimum wage as well. If I can work for 20 hours a week and earn an extra $200 that would help a lot.

My weight was soooo bad!!! I was having trouble sleeping and was choking on nothing during the day, having to catch my breath. If I lose 5kg from my heaviest, I will probably breathe normally during the day, and if I lose 15 I will probably sleep in a healthy way and not need to stay in bed for so long. I've recommitted myself to Weight Watchers and have lost 2kg of water weight in three days so I'm pretty happy. I brought a notebook from the meeting and am writing down inspirational quotes, everything I eat, the amount of exercise I do and notes on how to improve my diet, what I'm doing well, what I'm failing at etc. Having one thing to cling to (my Weight Watchers diary) seems to make sure I do the right things every day, as I can join new habits with old ones. There's no reason to believe I won't be successful this time, I just have to keep writing in my book and going to meetings!

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