[ENFP] Help me (personal development stuff)

Help me (personal development stuff)

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This is a discussion on Help me (personal development stuff) within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Ever since highschool, I have struggled to live as an adult . -I haven't done much work or study -I've ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Help me (personal development stuff)

    Ever since highschool, I have struggled to live as an adult.
    -I haven't done much work or study
    -I've been hospitalised for mental illness stuff twice
    -have returned to living with my parents
    -struggled in friendships and haven't had a boyfriend

    -I used to babysit a lot when I was in highschool. Having an extra $20 a week was nice. In my current situation I can earn up to $200 or $300 a week on top of what I get now. I am anxious about getting a job because I'm scared something from my past will bite me in the ass or I won't be able to do the work required of me (making someones coffee correctly, dealing with an angry customer or cleaning playground equipment.) The extra money would really help though and would make me feel like less of an outcast. To be honest, having a job is like my biggest dream right now, I feel like if I worked maybe everything else would fall into place. It's really embarrassing telling new people that you are unemployed when they ask about you and not everyone is that understanding. We've had family friends harrass my parents about me not working so I feel bad for them too.
    -I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I would love to be a public figure but I feel like I've already trashed my own reputation and if I put myself out there, I would be harming people I care about, so that's off the table. Unfortunately I have a million different interests so I don't have any clear path or direction to go in. I'm thinking about going to Bible college next year to study theology and counselling, but there's no guarantee I'll want to be a counsellor at the end of it. I might get a session with a careers counsellor and see if they can direct me. Someone thought I would make an excellent public speaker, other people have said writer, teacher, childcare worker, professor or counselor. I'm interested in being infront of a camera, photography, coding, blogging, fitness/health/weightloss, personal development, church stuff. I want to earn a good income, but I want to do something I'm passionate about so my life goes around my work and not the other way around, but those sorts of jobs don't seem to pay very well unless you are the best. I also value the kind of job where you are always learning and being stretched.

    -When I was growing up, I really wanted to be a teacher and a mom. Now, I don't think I'll ever have a family because what guy is going to date someone that can't/won't have kids. Like, maybe if someone was able to pull out a magic wand and take away my mental health problems I would change my mind in a heartbeat, but after being in hospital, I don't think it's kind to be away from my children for months at a time trying to get well again, and I'm not even sure how I would handle pregnancy because I would probably have to go off my medications which has been a disaster in the past. I have been around other peoples kids alot in the last few years and I start to get annoyed with them after five minutes unless they are on their best behaviour and acting super cute, so maybe kids is not for me but it feels hard to let go of a dream, and would it be different if they were my kids? Plus, people with Bipolar are much more likely to have kids with Autism and I don't think I could handle that.
    -I think I have mild Aspergers, but I hate to admit it because I just want to be like everyone else. I find it embarrassing and shameful because some people have not been kind to me about it. Maybe I would feel differently if I knew more people like me. I have ADD as well.
    -Ever since getting released from hospital last year, I have had support workers visiting me twice a week. They try to help me set goals but I fight them every step of the way. For example, they are trying to get me to sleep less and stop napping but I am miserable when I'm away from my bed. I want to sleep all the time, I think I have sleep apnea. I feel like I would be happier accomplishing goals on my own, but at the same time, I'm not motivated enough to do it. They want me to stop sleeping so much, but I'm thinking life isn't worth being awake for. I've lost so many things I've cared about, and life has never been that good for me... well my childhood years were pretty special, but ever since then it's been one disappointment after another. I feel like the support workers are somewhat patronising, like I don't want their help but would I end up back in hospital without them, or in a worse place than I'm in now? I guess I just want all the credit for whatever accomplishments I make. I know how to make to-do lists, and set short/medium/long term goals etc. I'm not really sure why they are there, they ask what I want help with, and I get confused because I'm not sure why they are there... I think they monitor me, make sure I take my pills etc? one of them is going to help me with cleaning and teach me a few new recipes, so that will be nice I guess.
    -I've been struggling with my weight since I was a child, and I can't stick with healthy habits for more than a few days at a time. My whole life is a mess. I can't get myself to do anything for more than a few days, my moods and energy come and go in waves. I have established what activities bring me the most pleasure or success than I find myself fighting myself to do those things, I seem to face inner resistance at every turn, like omg why am I such a loser? Like when I was at school, I barely paid attention and I never did homework, but I knew I had to be there, so I always showed up on time... 1/3 things right. I wish I were rich so I could afford a personal assistant, even if it was so I had someone to keep me company while I exercise, then poke and prod me until I've done the things on my to-do list. I'm great at looking after other people, but terrible at looking after myself. I wish I had a mother figure who followed me around all day, or could learn self discipline in the military or went to boarding school and did everything in social groups. Me trying to do everything by myself doesn't seem to work, but I can't think of any way around it.

    -Living with my parents is mostly good but I've moved to a city where I only have one friend, who is now tied up with a boyfriend, and I have responsibilities to do with my family (volunteer/unpaid childcare and dog walking). I feel like some people may look down on me living with my parents, but its fairly common now. I've said that I will keep living with them until I get married but I kinda wanna try living in a fun girls only flat for a while and there are some ways that living on my own would be easier.

    -I have struggled in friendships because of diva behaviour on my part, not understanding how other people work, having poor judgement and being treated like shit by people.
    -I had this friend all through high school who I later learned had been talking trash about me behind my back to other people that I thought were friends with me but soon refused to associate with me. At least, I think that's what was going on because she made the mistake of trash talking me infront of my sister.
    -I used to have this superhero complex where I would befriend people that others deemed as undesirables and take them under my wing. Turns out they didn't want to be saved or pampered so they would hurt me instead. Some would spread rumours about me, spread secrets I had told them in confidence and one girl even hit me a few times. High school stuff.
    -Moving around hasn't helped. Some people stop talking to you when you move overseas because "out of sight out of mind" or they assume they will never see you again.
    -the boyfriend thing is a mystery to me, I think the main thing is that I haven't met that many guys in my life but I do wonder if I have too many undesirable qualities and no-one would ever be interested. Or my standards are too high. I did pine after one person for 12 years that has finally proven to be a dead end so I'm finally open to dating other people. Unfortunately, the whole thing has been rather nerve racking and I'd rather hide under my bed than meet new people. I tried running a singles dating group with my friend but it was mostly older men showing up and I was not interested in that.

    I feel like there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Thanks for processing all that, I know it's a lot.
    Little Egg thanked this post.

  2. #2

    One step at a time. Pretend you have no past and that youíre a baby. Your imagination is jumping to end results or images or ideas rather than living with the small steps that it takes to get to anywhere that you need to go. This is why you need help from the home health ladies. You canít go from avoiding life to suddenly being a public figure. You canít go from sleeping all day to a life with a good job friends and boyfriend. You CAN, however, decide to keep small goals that will build habits that will build confidence for you to do better things. But you have to realize that it is these small goals and achievements that will make a difference. You have to congratulate yourself at every step and respect the process of growing skills and confidence and habits.

    You need to just pretend that youíre starting over like a baby after the hospitalization and do each thing that is being asked of you and then congratulate yourself on doing that small thing.

    Your home health ladies, you need to work with them. They are trying to help you on the small steps that you have not been giving respect to. They have more perspective on what it takes to get to the end result because they are likely older than you and know some of what it takes to end to the end result. Tell them what you told us. Tell them you would like eventually to have friends, maybe even a boyfriend, a job and to move out. They will help you set small goals that will build to bigger ones.

    It is really only through 1000 small choices that anyone gets to any good place in their life. Those small choices have to be respected and celebrated, starting with getting out of bed in the morning, and then there is getting breakfast and accomplishing something even if it is just walking the dog.

    A quote by Mother Theresa (No, Iím not Catholic and I donít have to be) is: ďWe cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.Ē

    In this case loving yourself enough to accomplish some small things today.

  3. #3

    P.S. On sleep apnea if you are waking up exhausted then you likely do have it. My husband had a bad case, couldnít figure out why waking up exhausted after 14 hours of sleep shouldnít mean he just needed more sleep. His sleep apnea meant he would wake up more tired than before because his brain was getting deprived of oxygen. I used to count 45 seconds between gasps for air while he was sleeping and the doctor wouldnít listen to me since he was young. And my husband had had the problem for years and had no sense of what normal sleep was and thought I was just bugging him when he was just someone who needed a lot of sleep. If you need more than 10 hours in 24 hours then get checked out. Iím buddies with the sleep expert here. For my husband, it took him getting an appendicitis and his nurse freaking out about him not breathing to get a doctor to listen and get him diagnosed. It basically changed his life. I wonder if he would have been dead by now if he hadnít started his bi-pap at age 28. Definitely and very soon get that checked out.
    chickydoda thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    You sound way too harsh on yourself, Chicky.

    My only advice for you right now is that you need to work on loving yourself, bettering yourself and being confident in your own body.
    I would not worry about finding a boyfriend or marriage at the moment.

    You said it's hard for you to stick to healthy habits and that you struggle with your weight. So first things first, you need to work on discipline. Put gasoline on that tertiary Te you have and start developing a healthy exercising and diet routine.
    Not only is this good for your physical well being, it's also good for your mental well being. It can't hurt.

    Next, you said that having a job is a dream of yours, but that you're interested in too many things. I relate to that a lot and it took me a long time to find an area I'm truly passionate about and can stick to.

    Find a niche where you know you'll never be lazy and flake on. Then find a career path for that niche.

    PM me if you want to talk.
    chickydoda, Whippit and Falling Foxes thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    One step at a time. Pretend you have no past and that you’re a baby.
    I like that.

    I was given a machine for sleep apnea. I'm having trouble getting used to it, but I will keep trying to fall asleep with it on.

  7. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by Katie Tran View Post
    You said it's hard for you to stick to healthy habits and that you struggle with your weight. So first things first, you need to work on discipline. Put gasoline on that tertiary Te you have and start developing a healthy exercising and diet routine.
    How does one work on discipline?

  8. #7

    Those are good goals! I think itís good to work on sleep first since if youíre not getting enough restful oxygenated sleep how do you expect to have energy for anything? Itís a great goal! Also the timing like your ladies want you to do. Then you can start to get past that goal onto other things.
    chickydoda thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by chickydoda View Post
    How does one work on discipline?
    You can only fully develop discipline if you have found a goal you're really passionate about obtaining.

    Do you really want a job, live healthy, have solid friendships and a lover? You have to WANT it. Only then can you set steps for progress towards that goal and be consistent with it.

    That's discipline.
    chickydoda, Falling Foxes and Fru2 thanked this post.

  10. #9

    heres a few thoughts I had reading your post:

    1. be careful about projecting all of your thoughts about yourself and your situation in the future. I had a very serious problem with this in my 20s, I think the term would be "foreboding" and it's the idea that you are projecting and expecting negative things about your future. The truth is most of your worries won't be complete disasters and having a hopeful perspective is seriously life changing.

    2. Do not see your failures as extensions of your identity but external problems you can analyze and solve. For instance, say you keep getting hurt in friendships because they go south and are tempted to believe "something is wrong with me" or whatever. Often times if you spend some time objectively analyzing your situation you can come away with insights you didn't realize. An example of this would be say, you notice when you start to get close to people a growing fear they will abandon you. Take some time and try to think about the first time you felt that fearful feeling. Maybe something in your past happened that gave you this fear of abandonment, you can go back through and process thru whatever happened and over time you will notice that feeling starts to fade. What you may have not realized was this past experience was what was hurting your relationships, not you as a person. Once you can take these reoccurring issues in your life and remove them from the category of just some amorphous part of your identity and see them externally and objectively, you will start to feel freedom and empowerment to solve problems in your life.

    3. Work - just do something you think you might like. Try to master it and learn as much as you can. If it doesn't work out long term, try something else. Yes you may fail or try jobs you don't like but each experience you get is valuable and helps you to understand yourself together. There is a dimension of discipline involved but that can come quite naturally from how much it sucks to be unemployed lol. All the experience you gain while building your career path will end up working in your benefit. fail forward it totally a thing when it comes to work lol
    Tridentus and chickydoda thanked this post.

  11. #10

    Seems like you're afraid to be a barista and a daycare worker. I don't think you necessarily should be. The fact that you're worried means that you care.

    Caring about your work enough to want to do it right is better than a lot of other people already.
    chickydoda thanked this post.

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