Ever since highschool, I have struggled to live as an adult.
-I haven't done much work or study
-I've been hospitalised for mental illness stuff twice
-have returned to living with my parents
-struggled in friendships and haven't had a boyfriend
-I used to babysit a lot when I was in highschool. Having an extra $20 a week was nice. In my current situation I can earn up to $200 or $300 a week on top of what I get now. I am anxious about getting a job because I'm scared something from my past will bite me in the ass or I won't be able to do the work required of me (making someones coffee correctly, dealing with an angry customer or cleaning playground equipment.) The extra money would really help though and would make me feel like less of an outcast. To be honest, having a job is like my biggest dream right now, I feel like if I worked maybe everything else would fall into place. It's really embarrassing telling new people that you are unemployed when they ask about you and not everyone is that understanding. We've had family friends harrass my parents about me not working so I feel bad for them too.
-I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I would love to be a public figure but I feel like I've already trashed my own reputation and if I put myself out there, I would be harming people I care about, so that's off the table. Unfortunately I have a million different interests so I don't have any clear path or direction to go in. I'm thinking about going to Bible college next year to study theology and counselling, but there's no guarantee I'll want to be a counsellor at the end of it. I might get a session with a careers counsellor and see if they can direct me. Someone thought I would make an excellent public speaker, other people have said writer, teacher, childcare worker, professor or counselor. I'm interested in being infront of a camera, photography, coding, blogging, fitness/health/weightloss, personal development, church stuff. I want to earn a good income, but I want to do something I'm passionate about so my life goes around my work and not the other way around, but those sorts of jobs don't seem to pay very well unless you are the best. I also value the kind of job where you are always learning and being stretched.
-When I was growing up, I really wanted to be a teacher and a mom. Now, I don't think I'll ever have a family because what guy is going to date someone that can't/won't have kids. Like, maybe if someone was able to pull out a magic wand and take away my mental health problems I would change my mind in a heartbeat, but after being in hospital, I don't think it's kind to be away from my children for months at a time trying to get well again, and I'm not even sure how I would handle pregnancy because I would probably have to go off my medications which has been a disaster in the past. I have been around other peoples kids alot in the last few years and I start to get annoyed with them after five minutes unless they are on their best behaviour and acting super cute, so maybe kids is not for me but it feels hard to let go of a dream, and would it be different if they were my kids? Plus, people with Bipolar are much more likely to have kids with Autism and I don't think I could handle that.
-I think I have mild Aspergers, but I hate to admit it because I just want to be like everyone else. I find it embarrassing and shameful because some people have not been kind to me about it. Maybe I would feel differently if I knew more people like me. I have ADD as well.
-Ever since getting released from hospital last year, I have had support workers visiting me twice a week. They try to help me set goals but I fight them every step of the way. For example, they are trying to get me to sleep less and stop napping but I am miserable when I'm away from my bed. I want to sleep all the time, I think I have sleep apnea. I feel like I would be happier accomplishing goals on my own, but at the same time, I'm not motivated enough to do it. They want me to stop sleeping so much, but I'm thinking life isn't worth being awake for. I've lost so many things I've cared about, and life has never been that good for me... well my childhood years were pretty special, but ever since then it's been one disappointment after another. I feel like the support workers are somewhat patronising, like I don't want their help but would I end up back in hospital without them, or in a worse place than I'm in now? I guess I just want all the credit for whatever accomplishments I make. I know how to make to-do lists, and set short/medium/long term goals etc. I'm not really sure why they are there, they ask what I want help with, and I get confused because I'm not sure why they are there... I think they monitor me, make sure I take my pills etc? one of them is going to help me with cleaning and teach me a few new recipes, so that will be nice I guess.
-I've been struggling with my weight since I was a child, and I can't stick with healthy habits for more than a few days at a time. My whole life is a mess. I can't get myself to do anything for more than a few days, my moods and energy come and go in waves. I have established what activities bring me the most pleasure or success than I find myself fighting myself to do those things, I seem to face inner resistance at every turn, like omg why am I such a loser? Like when I was at school, I barely paid attention and I never did homework, but I knew I had to be there, so I always showed up on time... 1/3 things right. I wish I were rich so I could afford a personal assistant, even if it was so I had someone to keep me company while I exercise, then poke and prod me until I've done the things on my to-do list. I'm great at looking after other people, but terrible at looking after myself. I wish I had a mother figure who followed me around all day, or could learn self discipline in the military or went to boarding school and did everything in social groups. Me trying to do everything by myself doesn't seem to work, but I can't think of any way around it.
-Living with my parents is mostly good but I've moved to a city where I only have one friend, who is now tied up with a boyfriend, and I have responsibilities to do with my family (volunteer/unpaid childcare and dog walking). I feel like some people may look down on me living with my parents, but its fairly common now. I've said that I will keep living with them until I get married but I kinda wanna try living in a fun girls only flat for a while and there are some ways that living on my own would be easier.
-I have struggled in friendships because of diva behaviour on my part, not understanding how other people work, having poor judgement and being treated like shit by people.
-I had this friend all through high school who I later learned had been talking trash about me behind my back to other people that I thought were friends with me but soon refused to associate with me. At least, I think that's what was going on because she made the mistake of trash talking me infront of my sister.
-I used to have this superhero complex where I would befriend people that others deemed as undesirables and take them under my wing. Turns out they didn't want to be saved or pampered so they would hurt me instead. Some would spread rumours about me, spread secrets I had told them in confidence and one girl even hit me a few times. High school stuff.
-Moving around hasn't helped. Some people stop talking to you when you move overseas because "out of sight out of mind" or they assume they will never see you again.
-the boyfriend thing is a mystery to me, I think the main thing is that I haven't met that many guys in my life but I do wonder if I have too many undesirable qualities and no-one would ever be interested. Or my standards are too high. I did pine after one person for 12 years that has finally proven to be a dead end so I'm finally open to dating other people. Unfortunately, the whole thing has been rather nerve racking and I'd rather hide under my bed than meet new people. I tried running a singles dating group with my friend but it was mostly older men showing up and I was not interested in that.
I feel like there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Thanks for processing all that, I know it's a lot.