This is a discussion on Why You ENFPs Are Hard To Date within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by providence wow never fallen in love?! are you really young? At my age? People are definitely surprised ...
@ai.tran.75 . Yay, Love Gilbert Blyth! Who looks like my son, btw. @providence .... if @Falling Foxes isn’t an ENFP then Neither am I. I don’t know why, but I didn’t like you even joking about it. Falling foxes is the heart of The ENFP forum for me. I would not be here and wouldn’t have felt safe sharing here without our FF.
Thing is, they were probably happy with it in the meantime while we were not. So yeah, great for them, but don't bother us about it. Let us have our peace as well.
also I'll preface this by saying I've been in a 10 year old relationship with an INTP for what is worth
but also I don't do 'dates', my relationships have been with people I knew in a friendly way firstI've had very little experience with relationships, so I don't exactly relate to this. The type of people I like are very rare (mostly subtypes of NPs) so finding someone to crush on is difficult in and of itself. But there have been a very few instances that I got a little swept by primal urges and by NJs when I was younger, and I can relate to generally being open emotionally so I get how it could worry. I'd never cheat tho, much less due to a fight.1. You guys fall easily....And its intimidating.
Because you guys are very emotional, you can kind of linger on past relationships or dating experiences. But you also are opportunists and that can be even more worrying. I hear about the many crushes ENFPs experience, from first person experience and from internet forums and that ain't reassuring in a relationship. Despite the trust and the fact its natural to be attracted to people even while in a relationship, their openness about it, the social life of an ENFP and their emotions when in times of distress (such as a fight in the relationship) can make the other person worry, despite how much the other person may rationalize it.I can get moody and it's usually about existential stuff, but I hate being stuck in a mood. If my partner did something I don't generally brood about it, tho on the other hand it may look this way as I take a bit of time to process it and see if I'm wrong, before I lay it onto the other. I'm always trying to fix things, but the process must take place first in my mind to make sure I don't wrongly accuse the other or wrongly make them feel bad. I need to know if it's something I can just adapt to first. Only the PMSing can be hard to deal with because it's more hormonal than a set of events that can be fixed, so while I do try to fight it, most of the time it's like a wave to ride. That's the only time I can think of that it would be more like your examples. Oh and maybe the F subtype, who probs is less inclined to go into fixing mode than a N subtype who has a close F/T differential.2. They get moody and don't mind being stuck in a mood.
Was the sex really that bad? Did I say something? Are you tired? Are you thinking about space and time and just realized you're nothing? What the fuck just happened? And why did it happen while I'm with you right after that awkward thing? Sure, there's awkward shit in relationships, but awkward shit is a momentum to move the relationship bit by bit forward to get to know each other right? With the ENFP, they're thinking about something without necessarily doing anything to fix it. They'll tell you nothings wrong and that may be the case, they could very well be tired. But then how the hell am i supposed to distinguish between when you're actually upset and when you're just tired from a long day?Can you elaborate? I feel like I can agree with doing some romantic gestures outta nowhere, but for me that's more of an spur of the moment thing that I just feel like doing and don't really expect anything back. I wouldn't consider it a standard relationship tactic or something.3. They make grand romantic gestures.
Okay this is all good. I like that they show they care this way. The only reason why this makes an ENFP hard to date is that it requires care on a basis of initiation rather than passive circumstance. As an introverted thinker (and maybe this is only a problem for introverted thinkers alone), grand romantic gestures aren't realistic relationship behavior and can't be maintained over a long basis. Also they aren't naturally the way I show care. I show care much more through support and loyalty which is reliant really just on time spent. The grand romantic gestures make the relationship live much more on a sentimental backbone, and I do appreciate them, but for an introverted thinker this means something needs to be actively reciprocated back to show you also care and it can be hard for them to think in terms of "grandiose romantic gestures".I don't think I'd do this in a million years. I despise this behavior and though I think I can be a little passive aggressive at times it's rare and it doesn't manifest in such a vindictive way. If my partner says something that makes me feel insecure I just tell him up front and if it's something they like I accept it and feel better.4. ENFPs can be passive aggressive.
You're late one time, they'll be even later the next. You may say something about what you observed about them that makes them feel insecure. You meant to say it because you like that about them. But they don't see it that way and won't admit to it, so they'll say something to try and make you feel insecure. I kinda like that about you guys though. Its funny.Well, first of all I'm not attracted to mystery. I think the 'mysterious' guys are such because they hide dark shit underneath and I want none of that. I think that tends to be more the preference of NFJs.5. Your needs can be intimidating.
You're idealistic and you're social. It can be hard (especially for introverted thinkers such as myself) to keep up and feel disappointed when we don't live up to the expectation. One of the reasons many of the ENFPs are attracted to introverts is the mystery that comes with being an introvert. ENFPs are curious and want to know more and will apply this to relationships, especially because they know that they get bored easily. They will ask you many deep and philosophical questions which you can appreciate but need time to answer well and it'll be asked all on the first few dates within a short span of time. They'll want stories with you, not experiences. They want their friends to like you, they don't want to be seen as a mess for dating a mess. I don't blame them, but as an introvert, it can be hard to keep up steady conversation with people you don't really care about yet have to impress for the other person. They want you to talk to them when you have nothing to say, and wont contribute because they want to hear you talk. They're very much physically affectionate and this can be another difficult thing to return if you're not really in touch with that side. You end up worrying if the ENFP likes you, or the opportunity you bring to having some idealistic relationship and start to question if you currently have fit in with this ideal/ the ENFPs needs.
And one of the reason I like NTPs is that, they're not mysterious but quite open, like me. This can make the bridging of our differences much more easy.
But I can see your point about being pushy with communication and learning and asking stuff and how it can intimidate NTs. I want communication all day every day :P but I'm also patient and optimistic so I don't turn insecure about it easily, tho it can be a bit frustrating at times coz I like talking about random stuff outta nowhere and in an organic progression, so 'nothing to say' is fine by me but difficult for him.
Also another thing that may be intimidating (from what I've been told even) is my people-reading prowess and generally how I function in the social way. I'm not a social/outgoing person by quantity but the way I read relationships and dynamics and the subtleties of communication is something NTs can be intimidated by, ime.
Yes I'm very physically affectionate, and straightforward about it but maybe I've been lucky cause my INTP bf was totally up to this and perhaps even spoiled me. It's been easier to him to show me affection like that than talking, which makes sense to me.
As for the friends thing, ideally I sure don't want them to dislike my partner, but it's rare that we all socialize together anyway. I have very few friends and usually see them 1on1, mostly due to the individual relationships and circumstances with each one. Ideally I would want to have group meets of all my N friends but it's been super rare due to distance. I don't see the point of socializing my bf with my S friends it's mostly awkward as they have nothing in common (as I barely do too :P)Yea not much to say about this. I can be blunt, I also take bluntness generally well, as long as it's not done maliciously (which shouldn't happen in a romantic relationship, but just saying). It's something people have confronted me about in the past.6. You can be blunt.
Something I noticed that is interesting about ENFPs and which I actually like about them is that they can be blunt. How well they take bluntness themselves is a different question. This bluntness can come with an awkwardness the ENFP tends to possess. Because they value the personal integrity that comes with Fi they try to not hurt others feelings but also try and not be someone they're not. They can say things irresponsibly and feel bad later. This can pose a problem for sensitive people, but for the introverted thinker this can pose them another question, "its not hurting me, but was ENFP thinking about if it could?". Alot of introverted thinkers have a shield up and don't like the idea that something can hurt them or even may not feel it, but don't want to feel any less respected and this can make the introverted thinking types not know how to confront an ENFP who can also be sensitive.not insultedAgain, im not trying to insult the enfps out there.
You were pretty damn cute apparently. I had no romantic interest in anyone until I was 14 and then I had to go and fall for an INFJ who was infinitely more romantic than me. It's not that I don't understand romance... I can think up amazing adventures and gestures to please the other but it takes a lot of intentional effort for me to even think about it and that was because I wanted to appease her love language. It was like "this isn't me, but, I love you and I know you like this mushy crap." In my next relationship I was relieved when I could drop the grand gesture act and just be lazy old me.
So, yeah, I can pull off the image of a romantic fairly well but I don't dream that way.