This is a discussion on Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Backandyeow Exactly! I don't want my thumbs to be ME, I want to be me. I exercise ...
@cmouse79 . I did some online dating right before I met my husband. I lived in the city. I had some rules I liked. So make your own, here were mine just in case:
#1. Always meet in public ( I did break this one once after a phone call and I could tell the guy was the sweetest flower to grace the earth and would in no way harm me. It was the only time I let a guy I didn’t know better pick me up in his car. We are Fi-auxes, we get a lot out of voices that other types might not. However, I will tell my daughter not to break this rule for sure.)
# 2. Three strikes, you’re out. The guy must ask me to an in-person date or otherwise save himself a spot on my dance card by a long phone chat if he’s in a different state— perhaps. This must happen before the 4th message. I did not have time for a pen-pal. Also if they are asking for a date 2 months from now at a aunt’s wedding... no, sorry, I am no man’s beard.
#3. If they were asking me to commit and it’s been long enough and I actually want to commit then I turned off incoming attention .... well, actually I wasn’t online much when things got really going. But when I said I’d commit that’s when I took time to tell the other guys I was no longer accepting incoming attention and that I wanted to focus on the current relationship. I did not tell anyone this until I was asked to commit and consented verbally, committing to exclusivity.
I would decide if there is real potential and make sure that he is only after you before turning other guys who get past the filtering process down.
But that’s my rule. Making rules is interesting, keeps you safe, and keeps you from spending time on duds.
The rules are the bomb, really. Plus sometimes I could tell someone why I dropped them “I have a 3-strike policy, nothing personal.” And that is helpful as all get-out to lay cards on the table that way especially if some guy is ticked.... or a murderer. I swear I did run into one. He wanted rule #1 broken way too much.
Okay, have fun. Tell us all about it. My time with this was so interesting in my opinion. I also had a looks policy that was kind of like “Every guy deserves a chance.” They might be funny as hell or great kissers, who knows?
Edit: Having these experiences is not something I would have missed. It's not a quantity vs quality type issue imo because in the end you're only going to pick one. Why waste time by narrowing too quickly or spending too much time on a guy it won't work with? I would rather find the one I really like out of 25 than out of 3, for instance. You're going to narrow to 1 person. I'd rather tell him someday. "I know you're the best. Why? I will tell you why. I can compare." Plus without that comparison...I wouldn't have committed well. I need to know the grass is not greener.
Okay, I guess I have a question. I mean, I did accept dates from most guys who got past my screening rules. When I was in my early 20's I was too rigid about who I liked and would over-fixate on one guy who I liked but who maybe didn't like me. In my middle 20's then I let guys surprise me and didn't let my Ne-Fi go nuts before even finding out through experience how we worked together. Well, dating "most guys" meant that I did find some real gems who I went on further dates with, and I had free food and a show with others who it wasn't going to work with but who were nice and good to meet and who furthered my world with more ideas. I just didn't keep any pre-conceived ideas to mess up the ride. Out of the gems things progressed with basically 2 and then quickly to 1. After a heart-broken break-up with the 1.... I met my husband in real life the next week.
Anyway, what is wrong with that? It's just a narrowing process. I think mathematically it works well too. What's the narrowing process with the "quality"? How do you know you narrowed to quality anyway? No ENFP wants to date quantity for long, I'd think. There's a goal here and it's not to just date as far as I was concerned.
Last edited by Llyralen; 08-22-2019 at 04:26 AM.
When people date multiples all at once, it's artificial and it goes against the flow. Sure, you can place bets on odds that aren't always in your favor, or you can always approach it where you're focused on dating 1 person at a time. And it doesn't even have to be a long time. Even for a brief period, and if it turns into a dud, then at least you gave it your best shot, and you were authentic! You can walk away actually learning from the experience. And, you're able to narrowly focus on certain types of people who we just naturally gel more with, as opposed to listening to crickets chirping in the background,, and you not feeling it on a date- that's so draining! !
I think it's one thing to be chatting with multiple people on a dating website, but actual dating dating- you're dealing with other people's raw emotions. And meeting some people will just totally drain out your authenticity, especially when they're also not as vested, or just don't operate on the same wavelength.
Merely increasing the odds with multiple prospects isn't going to yield the most quality experience.
It's almost like the Internet. One would think that exchanging information through e-mails and even chat sites, people would feel more connected, but they don't. They end up feeling emptier inside, as opposed to actual face-to-face connections.
Quantity over quality has more of an inverse effect, in which you're left feeling degraded and degrading at the end of the day!
Dating's supposed to be fun. The mere thought of dating multiple people all at the same time seems so manufactured like factory farm meat. It's sooo... weird. But, it works for some people. Some people are more naturally inclined to be non-monogamous. As a group, I think it would work out to their favor (orgies, couples who enjoy swinging). And for some people, it's unnatural.
Quality defined from your perspective. What jumped out at me is how it seemed to make you feel uncomfortable- and you should never be made to feel uncomfortable or peer pressured. At the end of the day, people who dish out careless advice aren't going to pick up the broken pieces of glass. Blind leading the blind. Listen to your internal compass. Go with your flow! Screw the rest, because half of the people who end up giving shitty advice (excuse my language) end up wanting people to wallow in their miseries- you know the age old question "When you gonna get married??" "When you gonna have kids??" They say misery loves company for a reason, and careless advice is indicative of a path that clearly isn't for yours to experience or define. And if other people want to ruin their own lives, so be it. Do what you want, so long as you know it's the right decision in your heart.
First of all, it does work that way theoretically. It's simple statistics and odds.So dating multiple people is unauthentic?Even for a brief period, and if it turns into a dud, then at least you gave it your best shot, and you were authentic!Unless you overextend, this is still possible.You can walk away actually learning from the experience.
And, you're able to narrowly focus on certain types of people who we just naturally gel more withI find this fascinating. Different experiences I suppose.I think it's one thing to be chatting with multiple people on a dating website, but actual dating dating- you're dealing with other people's raw emotions. And meeting some people will just totally drain out your authenticity, especially when they're also not as vested, or just don't operate on the same wavelength.
Fi in the INTJ tends to dampen other peoples emotions. You pick up on them more?
I'm also somewhat dumbfounded on the concept of draining authenticity.
Would you mind expanding on that? Perhaps also explain what you mean by authenticity in the context.
For me, being authentic in such a situation would be to just end the date in a polite manner, if the experience is bad enough.Dating several people doesn't have to be dull, either. Doesn't that depend on what you do with them?Dating's supposed to be fun.
Some people are more naturally inclined to be non-monogamous.
I also don't think there's a correlation between monogamy and dating a single person.
It's a preference. Perhaps also a difference in how we perceive or what we expect out of dating?
Because, boiled down to its essence, isn't dating about hanging out with someone to find out if there's romantic potential?
At least that's how I see it. And I estimate some people will see it very differently.
I don't get dating multiple people, just seems cold and mechanical yet wishy washy at the same time, why would you even date someone you don't like enough to go all in and give them a couple of weeks of your life?
What is your process in dating?
@Eu_citzen Fi tert seems to act very locally. I've said it seems to "stay inside the IxTJ" before . It informs you of how you feel (to a lesser extent than dom and aux) and kind of helps you understand what other people might feel to a much lesser extent than dom and aux since mostly you're working with people through Te. Aux and dom Fi works hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes. It is due to Fi that I understand other people's feelings, it is due to Ne that I'm doing this a lot and can be very experienced with it. In a dating context it means we are going to worry about doing damage to others as we put ourselves into their shoes.