[ENFP] Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? - Page 5

Dating multiple people or dating one at a time?

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This is a discussion on Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Sour Roses Agreed. I believe it's an introvert thing - specifically introverted women. I'd never agree to ...

  1. #41

    Quote Originally Posted by Sour Roses View Post
    Agreed.




    I believe it's an introvert thing - specifically introverted women.

    I'd never agree to meet a male stranger in person unless he seemed capable of impressing me in written words.

    You can tell a lot about someone from their texts... for instance, if they're mentally lazy it comes with a whole lot of text-speak. "u r 4 reals?" = complete f'ing idiot. Why would I/we want to spend our time on an idiot?

    In comparison... someone capable of witty banter and finding niche interests we can share is more promising to spend real-life time with.




    He meant an emphasis on how… as in, what you take the time to see in the written word, and what you put the effort into conveying. This is a world, too. This is deserving of attention, at least if the person you are trying to connect with sees it as meaningful.


    This whole thread pretty much sums up the reason I hate dating. People so intent on getting together to impress one another with their hair gel and empty smiling faces that they don't bother to make real conversation.
    As a female, 99% of guys are simply making small talk to prompt a meeting, and when I push for substance, they just repeat more inane verbal vomit.
    And when you do sit across from them irl? It's "Oh, I have a job where the people value me 'cause I'm so valuable and can't you see why you should value me too? Just the way everyone else values me. Because I'm so valuable."
    BARF

    They may as well all be used car salesmen.
    Introverted... women? Are you saying males don't take caution before meeting someone in person? I'll have you know, there is a world of catfish out there.

    If 99% of guys are making small talk to prompt a meeting, I guess I'm that 1% who doesn't. Guess what, I haven't met anyone. ;)

  2. #42
    INFJ - The Protectors

    My approach to online dating has always been the same.

    If I match with someone, I'll talk to them and get an initial feel. If it seems to go well, I'll talk on the app another day to see if the spark is still there, and then invite them to talk over text.

    From here, I tend to text them for about a week, gauging their interest and if I like them, and if we like the same things, and casually probe stuff through casual talking. This part is the most important to me. If you can text for a week without ever seeing each other, then there's a better chance of a few things happening:

    1: You know you two can hold a conversation.
    2: You know they're interested in you, or else they'd be gone by now.
    3: You can pick up on some red flags before ever meeting.

    I find these three things helps me weed out a lot of guys, namely the ones playing the field and not looking for something a little more real. And then I go on a date with them.

    Typically speaking, if we're texting off the app, I'm not talking to someone else. Unless I can tell I'm about to drop them because of one of the previous three reasons.

    That's how I do things and it usually works out good for me. You have to find what works for you.

  3. #43

    Quote Originally Posted by Antipode View Post
    My approach to online dating has always been the same.

    If I match with someone, I'll talk to them and get an initial feel. If it seems to go well, I'll talk on the app another day to see if the spark is still there, and then invite them to talk over text.

    From here, I tend to text them for about a week, gauging their interest and if I like them, and if we like the same things, and casually probe stuff through casual talking. This part is the most important to me. If you can text for a week without ever seeing each other, then there's a better chance of a few things happening:

    1: You know you two can hold a conversation.
    2: You know they're interested in you, or else they'd be gone by now.
    3: You can pick up on some red flags before ever meeting.

    I find these three things helps me weed out a lot of guys, namely the ones playing the field and not looking for something a little more real. And then I go on a date with them.

    Typically speaking, if we're texting off the app, I'm not talking to someone else. Unless I can tell I'm about to drop them because of one of the previous three reasons.

    That's how I do things and it usually works out good for me. You have to find what works for you.
    That seems like a solid approach. My only change to that is the texting for a week between the matching on the app and meeting up. I usually only do that for a day or two. I've had the experience where someone will be great via text, and then as soon as we meet, I'm not into them. Maybe we don't have chemistry. Or maybe they don't communicate in person as well as via text. And then I feel like I wasted a week of my time when we would have figured that out on date #1.

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  5. #44
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    That seems like a solid approach. My only change to that is the texting for a week between the matching on the app and meeting up. I usually only do that for a day or two. I've had the experience where someone will be great via text, and then as soon as we meet, I'm not into them. Maybe we don't have chemistry. Or maybe they don't communicate in person as well as via text. And then I feel like I wasted a week of my time when we would have figured that out on date #1.
    I get that. I tend to also swap videos with the person to see how the speak and such and get a better picture of them. But you do run the risk of finding out there's no chemistry.

    The downside of not waiting is you don't get to learn who they really are. There's a lot you can learn about someone before actually meeting them. And a lot of people--especially women--talk about going on dates with weirdos and creeps and guys who just want sex. That happens when you just jump into a date.

    But yes, it depends on what you value more. I've always enjoyed my life and my hobbies and so on, so spending a week texting someone for it to not work out isn't really a waste for me. I've talked with hundreds of guys, and dozens and dozens of them have been for a week or so. But I've only been on a couple of dates. I prefer it that way. Currently with a really great guy because of how I personally do things.

    Time is also valuable, too. If you're looking to go on dates quickly, I'd say two things:

    1: Feel them out. If you aren't quite sure, then go on a date with someone else, and
    2: If you like them, there's nothing wrong after a couple of dates asking if they're seeing someone else. If they get weird over the question, then that's a fine clue into how good they'll be at communicating in a relationship.

  6. #45

    Quote Originally Posted by Antipode View Post
    I get that. I tend to also swap videos with the person to see how the speak and such and get a better picture of them. But you do run the risk of finding out there's no chemistry.

    The downside of not waiting is you don't get to learn who they really are. There's a lot you can learn about someone before actually meeting them. And a lot of people--especially women--talk about going on dates with weirdos and creeps and guys who just want sex. That happens when you just jump into a date.

    But yes, it depends on what you value more. I've always enjoyed my life and my hobbies and so on, so spending a week texting someone for it to not work out isn't really a waste for me. I've talked with hundreds of guys, and dozens and dozens of them have been for a week or so. But I've only been on a couple of dates. I prefer it that way. Currently with a really great guy because of how I personally do things.

    Time is also valuable, too. If you're looking to go on dates quickly, I'd say two things:

    1: Feel them out. If you aren't quite sure, then go on a date with someone else, and
    2: If you like them, there's nothing wrong after a couple of dates asking if they're seeing someone else. If they get weird over the question, then that's a fine clue into how good they'll be at communicating in a relationship.
    That's super interesting...

    So I tend to try and keep a week between dates. So, I'm doing what you are in a sense.

    1. Match and chat on the app for a day or two
    2. Set up a first date, and if we hit it off, exchange numbers. (maybe we set up the second date at this time, but I make sure that it's about a week later)
    3. Text for a week or so and continue to get to know one another. Cause now we have some things we already talked about in person to bounce off of. And maybe shared interests to continue exploring.

    So for me, the first date is really key to the weeding process and I put it before the texting time. I'm still working to get to know someone in the same way you are, but now I'm doing it with someone I know I'm already intrigued by physically as well as on other levels. The first date is always just drinks or coffee. And it doesn't last longer than two hours. It's literally just to meet and get to know someone in the way you would have if you met them at a party or bar. And since, as I stated in a previous post, I don't have sex on the first date I weed out the creeps pretty quickly as well.

    I wonder if this is where the E/I difference really shows up. The newest guy is very much an introvert and came out for drinks on the same day we matched and were texting. He said it was completely outside his comfort zone, but he's really glad he did it. Second date was last night, and a third is on the books for Tuesday.
    Last edited by cmouse79; 08-23-2019 at 10:21 AM.
    strawberryLola thanked this post.

  7. #46

    I’m a shy extrovert who prefers shy people, so naturally, I assume for people whom are shy extroverts (introverted extroverts) we’re more inclined to weed out disingenuous connections pretty fast.

    I love the idea of people taking off their masks and facades, and really just be. I agree with posters who mention the ick factor of dating a used car salesperson pitch. We already have enough spammers for that, thank you. Makes dating feel so contrived, especially when people are pedaling themselves off as store merchandise. Does dating have to be that commodified and commercial, also? I had no idea.

    But the upside is that’s what makes genuine connections so rare and special!
    Marvin the Dendroid and cmouse79 thanked this post.

  8. #47

    Maybe this dispute has more to do with how you figure out who you re interested in. Are you interested in a guysí writing and sure that if you are into their writing that you would be interested in them in person? Do you really need to hear a voice to figure it out? Are you super good at assessing chemistry between you and them? Just basically what does it take? How open are you to being surprised? All sorts of things that for some they might determine quickly but might prefer to figure it out in person.

    There are also issues of how cool you are with waiting or being alone. Iím not going to fault someone for knowing what they want and looking for it in the best way they know how.
    strawberryLola thanked this post.

  9. #48
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    That's super interesting...

    So I tend to try and keep a week between dates. So, I'm doing what you are in a sense.

    1. Match and chat on the app for a day or two
    2. Set up a first date, and if we hit it off, exchange numbers. (maybe we set up the second date at this time, but I make sure that it's about a week later)
    3. Text for a week or so and continue to get to know one another. Cause now we have some things we already talked about in person to bounce off of. And maybe shared interests to continue exploring.

    So for me, the first date is really key to the weeding process and I put it before the texting time. I'm still working to get to know someone in the same way you are, but now I'm doing it with someone I know I'm already intrigued by physically as well as on other levels. The first date is always just drinks or coffee. And it doesn't last longer than two hours. It's literally just to meet and get to know someone in the way you would have if you met them at a party or bar. And since, as I stated in a previous post, I don't have sex on the first date I weed out the creeps pretty quickly as well.

    I wonder if this is where the E/I difference really shows up. The newest guy is very much an introvert and came out for drinks on the same day we matched and were texting. He said it was completely outside his comfort zone, but he's really glad he did it. Second date was last night, and a third is on the books for Tuesday.
    That's great! Yeah, maybe there is an E/I thing at play there.

    I'm not so much this way any more, but I think I had a habit of falling for the wrong kind of person. Like, I noticed the most ground breaking first dates tended to lead to not so great guys. Super charming, super interesting, sharing awesome things about themselves... but the whole "about themselves" would quickly reveal itself haha. So I aimed to protect myself from that, and try to get to know the person behind the physical feelings. More of an I/cautious play when thinking about it.

    Do you have any feelings that your guy may be talking to other women?
    cmouse79 thanked this post.

  10. #49

    I have been on OLD for far too long and to my INTJ brain, I quickly saw patterns and efficiency issues, so here is my assessment of the situation, warning though this will be a blunt male perspective, no need to attack the messenger if you happen not to like it.

    What I find quite amusing in some women's discourse is the "I don't like being in competition with other women", while it's actually a consequence of female actions as a whole in society that prompted this. Let's be real for years before OLD, men had to court women, take them on dates, initiate and pay for them, while women got to choose the winner. With the push for equality and feminism, women suddenly voiced their sexuality and the idea that they wanted also careers and live the same a men, which is perfectly fine with me I want self sufficient women, but so OLD came into life for all us busy humans, to make things more effective and this basically opened the "sexual market".

    So now you experience what men always did, being in competition with one another for the other sex, this is in a way actual equality, so better get used to it because as a man myself, honestly I am done with women on OLD, that think they can just "show up" and make no conscious effort, other than being pretty on OLD. You are not the prize anymore as in older days, there is sufficient supply of self reliant women through OLD and social media, not to give attention to difficult ones, you would benefit realizing this and that quality men will actually hold you accountable to some behaviours and actions in dating.

    So my experience honestly as a man, is that too many women still feel they are the prize on OLD, therefore are flakey and non committal, I also as another user said hold women to the 3 strikes you're out rule. So in essence with this mentality for me OLD is only effisciant if maximizing contacts, because rougly on 100 women a man texts, 10 do reply and out of those 10 maybe 2 qualify as interesting and fun to talk to, not having the I'm the prize logic. Even then maybe none of these 2 women will go on a date, or if they do won't maybe qualify for more, because chemistry is not there.
    Also unfortunately on OLD there are still lots of lower quality men, that have no clue how to get women IRL and will message absolutely all pretty females without discrimination, which makes some women think they indeed are the prize and that they have this endless pool of males at their heels.
    While in reality they need to find the needle in the haystack, of all this unwarranted attention by lower quality men.

    So in essence to summarize, quality men have to contact many women to weed out the flakey and princessy ones, while women have to filter all these huge amounts of messages from all men, to figure out which are the quality ones.

    This is a really big mess and honestly I have felt drained sometimes, but that's the way it is so you either play along or don't, but I will also say that not everyone get's things for free in life, luck has to be forced, so while I don't like as a principle to be dating multiple women at once, if you don't, you are sure to miss someone who you could be great with !


    Though I strongly agree, that you have to meet people in person, it is impossible to know only by texting if chemistry can happen and so I have weeded out women after I proposed 3 activities together to meet, I'm not running after anyone anymore.
    Then another disturbing thing for me, was a woman I dated and in 1 month never paid me a drink or a meal, while i did that all the time, so these eventually also get weeded out.

    All this takes time to figure out and so if you put other guys on hold, some like me will lose interest and just see someone else, it is the reality.
    So you can totally choose not to multidate, you just need to accept the consequences of it and that most men like me, I hope, don't do this in a malicious manner, but because they want to maximize chances of success.
    Last edited by Djairouks; 08-28-2019 at 01:37 AM.
    cmouse79 and Llyralen thanked this post.

  11. #50

    Quote Originally Posted by Antipode View Post
    That's great! Yeah, maybe there is an E/I thing at play there.

    I'm not so much this way any more, but I think I had a habit of falling for the wrong kind of person. Like, I noticed the most ground breaking first dates tended to lead to not so great guys. Super charming, super interesting, sharing awesome things about themselves... but the whole "about themselves" would quickly reveal itself haha. So I aimed to protect myself from that, and try to get to know the person behind the physical feelings. More of an I/cautious play when thinking about it.

    Do you have any feelings that your guy may be talking to other women?
    He may be. But I'm not sure he's seeing other women in person. On last night's date we talked, very briefly, about how we date and what our expectations are. He mentioned the fact that most of the women he meets online don't want to meet in person, so he ends up texting a lot, but not going on a lot of dates. Plus, we currently text daily and are always talking about what we are up to. So, could he be going on dates and not telling me or saying he's "out with friends"? Sure.

    We are only a week and half in and at three dates. So, I'm not quite at the point where I need to know he's only seeing me. But I am at the point where I'm not interested in going on a first date with someone new. This is honestly the point that I find the most confusing. I don't want to put pressure on the relationship, but I'm also not interested in dating around.

    I basically told him I'm the kind of person to focus on one relationship at a time. And that this was about me, and not him. He wanted me to know that he didn't want to hold me back from any opportunities and I replied that if our connection even only lasts another week that I consider it worth my time and don't feel like I missed out on other things. I explained that I don't like doing the emotional work of juggling where I'm at in each relationship and just remembering what stories I told which guy. And he seemed completely open and understanding. At the end of the night I told him that none of what I said was to pressure him in any way and he did say that "pressure" is the last thing he feels from me.

    So, who knows? I can only date the way that feels right for me and hope that the guy I'm with at any given time can understand that.
    Last edited by cmouse79; 08-28-2019 at 08:27 AM.


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