[ENFP] Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? - Page 6

Dating multiple people or dating one at a time?

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 6 of 7 FirstFirst ... 4 5 6 7 LastLast
Results 51 to 60 of 67
Thank Tree88Thanks

This is a discussion on Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Djairouks I have been on OLD for far too long and to my INTJ brain, I quickly ...

  1. #51

    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    I have been on OLD for far too long and to my INTJ brain, I quickly saw patterns and efficiency issues, so here is my assessment of the situation, warning though this will be a blunt male perspective, no need to attack the messenger if you happen not to like it.

    What I find quite amusing in some women's discourse is the "I don't like being in competition with other women", while it's actually a consequence of female actions as a whole in society that prompted this. Let's be real for years before OLD, men had to court women, take them on dates, initiate and pay for them, while women got to choose the winner. With the push for equality and feminism, women suddenly voiced their sexuality and the idea that they wanted also careers and live the same a men, which is perfectly fine with me I want self sufficient women, but so OLD came into life for all us busy humans, to make things more effective and this basically opened the "sexual market".

    So now you experience what men always did, being in competition with one another for the other sex, this is in a way actual equality, so better get used to it because as a man myself, honestly I am done with women on OLD, that think they can just "show up" and make no conscious effort, other than being pretty on OLD. You are not the prize anymore as in older days, there is sufficient supply of self reliant women through OLD and social media, not to give attention to difficult ones, you would benefit realizing this and that quality men will actually hold you accountable to some behaviours and actions in dating.

    So my experience honestly as a man, is that too many women still feel they are the prize on OLD, therefore are flakey and non committal, I also as another user said hold women to the 3 strikes you're out rule. So in essence with this mentality for me OLD is only effisciant if maximizing contacts, because rougly on 100 women a man texts, 10 do reply and out of those 10 maybe 2 qualify as interesting and fun to talk to, not having the I'm the prize logic. Even then maybe none of these 2 women will go on a date, or if they do won't maybe qualify for more, because chemistry is not there.
    Also unfortunately on OLD there are still lots of lower quality men, that have no clue how to get women IRL and will message absolutely all pretty females without discrimination, which makes some women think they indeed are the prize and that they have this endless pool of males at their heels.
    While in reality they need to find the needle in the haystack, of all this unwarranted attention by lower quality men.

    So in essence to summarize, quality men have to contact many women to weed out the flakey and princessy ones, while women have to filter all these huge amounts of messages from all men, to figure out which are the quality ones.

    This is a really big mess and honestly I have felt drained sometimes, but that's the way it is so you either play along or don't, but I will also say that not everyone get's things for free in life, luck has to be forced, so while I don't like as a principle to be dating multiple women at once, if you don't, you are sure to miss someone who you could be great with !


    Though I strongly agree, that you have to meet people in person, it is impossible to know only by texting if chemistry can happen and so I have weeded out women after I proposed 3 activities together to meet, I'm not running after anyone anymore.
    Then another disturbing thing for me, was a woman I dated and in 1 month never paid me a drink or a meal, while i did that all the time, so these eventually also get weeded out.

    All this takes time to figure out and so if you put other guys on hold, some like me will lose interest and just see someone else, it is the reality.
    So you can totally choose not to multidate, you just need to accept the consequences of it and that most men like me, I hope, don't do this in a malicious manner, but because they want to maximize chances of success.
    I appreciate your response. I honestly think that by your description I shouldn't worry about competition at all since I'm clearly a higher quality candidate. I have a life, and hobbies, and friends, and I simply see a relationship as a bonus at this point. I want to make a real connection. I am open to investing in a relationship or a person.

    I think your thoughts on the numbers is interesting. My current "date" said that he thinks it's almost 1:10 ratio of men:women. So men may be online and find a ton of women attractive, but the number of conversations and dates they get are very low. Whereas women have to weed through 100s of messages to find one good guy in the mix. And I think that's why I date the way I do. I will easily go on 3-4 first dates in one week. But if one of those guys seems like a decent prospect - kind, interesting, intelligent, chemistry - then I like to give that guy a chance. I have not once had the experience that I go on 3 first dates and meet 3 high prospects.

    Also, side note: I 100% DO NOT get that we still have an expectation that men pay for the date. I have a career and make a good living. I can pay for my own drinks thank you... or, even better, you pay this time, I'll get the next one.
    Last edited by cmouse79; 08-28-2019 at 08:15 AM.
    Marvin the Dendroid and Djairouks thanked this post.

  2. #52

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    I appreciate your response. I honestly think that by your description I shouldn't worry about competition at all since I'm clearly a higher quality candidate. I have a life, and hobbies, and friends, and I simply see a relationship as a bonus at this point. I want to make a real connection. I am open to investing in a relationship or a person.

    I think your thoughts on the numbers is interesting. My current "date" said that he thinks it's almost 1:10 ratio of men:women. So men may be online and find a ton of women attractive, but the number of conversations and dates they get are very low. Whereas women have to weed through 100s of messages to find one good guy in the mix. And I think that's why I date the way I do. I will easily go on 3-4 first dates in one week. But if one of those guys seems like a decent prospect - kind, interesting, intelligent, chemistry - then I like to give that guy a chance. I have not once had the experience that I go on 3 first dates and meet 3 high prospects.

    Also, side note: I 100% DO NOT get that we still have an expectation that men pay for the date. I have a career and make a good living. I can pay for my own drinks thank you... or, even better, you pay this time, I'll get the next one.
    Well it seems to me you are a well adjusted woman and have most things figured out, just beware and make pauses sometimes, because it gets draining.
    I especially respect your mindset, off the 3 times to know a guy, because I have been in some dates where the woman had a checklist, it felt like a job interview and at the end you just feel judged in rougly 2h on really shallow things, so kudos to you !
    If a woman isn't rude, only talking about her, or expecting to be treated like a queen, I Don't just disqualify someone after just 2h, people are more complex !

    No it's not 10:1 I have seens statistics and it is rather 2:1, but you know since I'm an INTJ and love my Excel sheets , I made one to track my dating and I checked today since 1.5 year on the app, didn't count the number of contacts, but women met IRL, I met 29 women and basically it went further only with 2, so people who say it's not a number's game are delusionnal !

    You know I also had a woman insult me and scream because I held the door of the restaurant for her… so I can tell you there are so really unhealty people on OLD. I totally agree, we all work and have a salary it should go both ways, I'm not a Walking ATM.
    Last edited by Djairouks; 08-28-2019 at 10:17 AM.

  3. #53

    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    Well it seems to me you are a well adjusted woman and have most things figured out, just beware and make pauses sometimes, because it gets draining.
    No it's not 10:1 I have seens statistics and it is rather 2:1, but you know since I'm an INTJ and love my Excel sheets , I made one to track my dating and I checked today since 1.5 year on the app, didn't count the number of contacts, but women met IRL, I met 29 women and basically it went further only with 2, so people who say it's not a number's game are delusionnal !

    You know I also had a woman insult me and scream because I held the door of the restaurant for her… so I can tell you there are so really unhealty people on OLD. I totally agree, we all work and have a salary it should go both ways, I'm not a Walking ATM.
    LOL. I would be fascinated to see those statistics. I've only been doing OLD since last Thanksgiving, so less than a year. My numbers are as follows:

    Match and text but never meet (these include guys who stood me up):15-20 (I put a range cause I'm sure I missed a few in here)
    1-2 dates: 5
    3 or more dates: 4

    I'm not what I would call active on the apps at all times. And again, if a date moves to 3+ then I'm usually focused on just that guy, so that could skew my numbers. There are entire months where I'm not on the app cause I'm dating someone consistently that I met on the app.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    PersonalityCafe.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #54

    Idk how to answer this since i never went or date in the stereotypical sense to get to know someone before already knowing them somewhat from mutual circles, offline or online. Never took dating apps seriously untill now either, the concept is making me cringe but most people around me have found partners using them so. I guess i dont like forced conditions under the "date" category, It seems like that makes me follow some social rules that go with it and I couldn't care less. I prefer to act freely and in unpredictable manner in the way i manage the meeting if possible.

    Anyway, I relate to how you feel about being unable keep multiple sexual connections ("dates") when you ve already found one you want to be serious with. Normally i might be playful or sometimes i might flirt as a single guy whenever i get the chance but that just means i dont have my anchor down anywhere interesting for something more than that yet.

    Im very picky with people in general, especially those im attracted to sexually so that process takes time usually but once i find someone I ve usually been talking to for a while and they fit what i consider to be "interesting" for more I always drop whatever other connection i got. Not really for ethical reasons, though I definitely want to be respectful to someone i take seriously but mainly because I get so focused in them that the rest are just distractions and no longer matter. As I said though that doesnt happen after one or two dates but after I see that person seriously. The timing for that differs according to how quickly we click together.
    In the meantime if im in an active mood i might be talking with others too.

    For me thats sufficient. My playing around period goes up to the point its no longer just playing. When that time comes I just know.

  6. #55

    Quote Originally Posted by SirCanSir View Post
    Idk how to answer this since i never went or date in the stereotypical sense to get to know someone before already knowing them somewhat from mutual circles, offline or online. Never took dating apps seriously untill now either, the concept is making me cringe but most people around me have found partners using them so. I guess i dont like forced conditions under the "date" category, It seems like that makes me follow some social rules that go with it and I couldn't care less. I prefer to act freely and in unpredictable manner in the way i manage the meeting if possible.

    Anyway, I relate to how you feel about being unable keep multiple sexual connections ("dates") when you ve already found one you want to be serious with. Normally i might be playful or sometimes i might flirt as a single guy whenever i get the chance but that just means i dont have my anchor down anywhere interesting for something more than that yet.

    Im very picky with people in general, especially those im attracted to sexually so that process takes time usually but once i find someone I ve usually been talking to for a while and they fit what i consider to be "interesting" for more I always drop whatever other connection i got. Not really for ethical reasons, though I definitely want to be respectful to someone i take seriously but mainly because I get so focused in them that the rest are just distractions and no longer matter. As I said though that doesnt happen after one or two dates but after I see that person seriously. The timing for that differs according to how quickly we click together.
    In the meantime if im in an active mood i might be talking with others too.

    For me thats sufficient. My playing around period goes up to the point its no longer just playing. When that time comes I just know.
    You know I would prefer meeting women IRL, even if when I'm out with friends, like at bars or lake, I just Don't find women that are interesting to me. Then all my hobbies are pretty solitary, naturephotography, music, motorcycling, so OLD is just more conveniant for me and I learned to evolve my view of meeting people this way.

    Especially that being an introvert, I just donc socialize as much as you being an extrovert, so it has it's "custommers".

  7. #56

    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    You know I would prefer meeting women IRL, even if when I'm out with friends, like at bars or lake, I just Don't find women that are interesting to me. Then all my hobbies are pretty solitary, naturephotography, music, motorcycling, so OLD is just more conveniant for me and I learned to evolve my view of meeting people this way.

    Especially that being an introvert, I just donc socialize as much as you being an extrovert, so it has it's "custommers".
    I'm exactly the same! Even for an extrovert my hobbies are rather solitary - reading, movies, painting, hiking. I've joined a few Meetup groups, but haven't met anyone there that I would want to date. So, dating apps for me are just a way to expand my circle to meet eligible men I wouldn't have run into otherwise.

  8. #57

    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    You know I would prefer meeting women IRL, even if when I'm out with friends, like at bars or lake, I just Don't find women that are interesting to me. Then all my hobbies are pretty solitary, naturephotography, music, motorcycling, so OLD is just more conveniant for me and I learned to evolve my view of meeting people this way.

    Especially that being an introvert, I just donc socialize as much as you being an extrovert, so it has it's "custommers".
    I dont have an issue with online dating myself when its set around online circles. I just dont like forced dating apps. But i guess thats a preference. Like I said a lot of people around me use those and have found partners. Especially Introverts yeah. Dont misunderstand though, me being an extravert doesnt mean im around women all the time. My area consists of engineering students mainly. Do you know the percentage of women there? Its not that easy. Especially if you are picky with people.
    Right now im single for example and most of them arent. In the end its not like I ve gained anything by staying away from that alternative.
    Its just me and my quirks.

  9. #58

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    I'm exactly the same! Even for an extrovert my hobbies are rather solitary - reading, movies, painting, hiking. I've joined a few Meetup groups, but haven't met anyone there that I would want to date. So, dating apps for me are just a way to expand my circle to meet eligible men I wouldn't have run into otherwise.
    Yes and I have been able to meet some people that well now are friends, outside of my state which is almost impossible without OLD.

    Getting back on a phrase you said in previous posts and I really hate hearing women, saying to other women like you. "You need to play the field more" basically meaning don't be faithful to your instincts and date as many men as you can, just because you can... I see too many people using this excuse, as a it's normal everyone does it. Well there are now many studies which show, that humans lose the ability to pair bond, if they behave this way, by never settling or never being serious about a prospect and always trying other people for the sake of experiences and adventure, especially getting intimate with too many persons and then going to the next one.

    That's a bit exacerbated by OLD and the seemingly never ending stream of potential mates, so that is why I applaud you listening to your instincts, they are right !
    You really can get an emotional burnout, one of my friends is there and it's pretty bad...
    cmouse79 thanked this post.

  10. #59

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    # 2. Three strikes, youíre out. The guy must ask me to an in-person date or otherwise save himself a spot on my dance card by a long phone chat if heís in a different stateó perhaps. This must happen before the 4th message. I did not have time for a pen-pal. Also if they are asking for a date 2 months from now at a auntís wedding... no, sorry, I am no manís beard.
    I had to comment when I saw rule #2. My fiancee and I met online, but emailed and phoned each other for months before we actually met. Of course we were in different states, so that made meeting in person considerably more difficult.

    Re:quantity vs. quality. I definitely come down on the side of quality. I know it's normal practice to date multiple people when in 'casual mode', but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm being deceitful and sneaky...

  11. #60

    Quote Originally Posted by CountZero View Post
    I had to comment when I saw rule #2. My fiancee and I met online, but emailed and phoned each other for months before we actually met. Of course we were in different states, so that made meeting in person considerably more difficult.

    Re:quantity vs. quality. I definitely come down on the side of quality. I know it's normal practice to date multiple people when in 'casual mode', but I just can't do it. I feel like I'm being deceitful and sneaky...
    Iím still not sure how the quality vs quantity thing works when it comes to trying to find the love of your life online. Itís like job interviews, you canít cherry pick your applicants. They just apply and you pray youíre smart enough to pick out the good ones to actually meet. If it goes well you go out again. It would have unduly complicated things to take time to write to someone who said they couldnít come to the interview. If I wanted to slow it down then thatís a method, but I was interviewing and wanted to hire a husband.

    When everything seemed to be going well with one person then I put a hold on my account.

    I would have made an exception for an amazing writer I suppose, if something about the person drew me in to exclude the others, but you find out a lot in person as an ENFPó Voice tone and chemistry and energyó and in general I was interviewing, not holding out and writing to someone. In a job interview that might happen if there werenít other qualified applicants who lived right there, but there were. I really just wanted to find my guy and job interviews is very close to what the experience of online dating was like for me. I just used these rules to weed. I must say again, I was a virgin on my wedding night at age 27 so I was careful about emotional complications and damage control, I think.


Page 6 of 7 FirstFirst ... 4 5 6 7 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] When looking at job ads, what jumps out at you?
    By cafetalk in forum INFJ Forum - The Protectors
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 07-22-2019, 09:38 AM
  2. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-24-2019, 09:49 AM
  3. Si or Ni - avoid thread at all costs, Essay ahead, enter at own risk
    By BecauseSeagulls in forum What's my personality type?
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 06-03-2019, 06:31 AM
  4. [ENFP] I just yelled at a kid and my co-workers told me it makes sense that I would at him.
    By Tridentus in forum ENFP Forum - The Inspirers
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-24-2019, 02:32 PM
  5. Multiple tests: multiple types, advice/ideas appriciated
    By EllieBear in forum What's my personality type?
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 11-12-2012, 08:38 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:33 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0