[ENFP] Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? - Page 7

Dating multiple people or dating one at a time?

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This is a discussion on Dating multiple people or dating one at a time? within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; ...

  1. #61

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    Iím still not sure how the quality vs quantity thing works when it comes to trying to find the love of your life online. Itís like job interviews, you canít cherry pick your applicants. They just apply and you pray youíre smart enough to pick out the good ones to actually meet. If it goes well you go out again. It would have unduly complicated things to take time to write to someone who said they couldnít come to the interview. If I wanted to slow it down then thatís a method, but I was interviewing and wanted to hire a husband.

    When everything seemed to be going well with one person then I put a hold on my account.

    I would have made an exception for an amazing writer I suppose, if something about the person drew me in to exclude the others, but you find out a lot in person as an ENFPó Voice tone and chemistry and energyó and in general I was interviewing, not holding out and writing to someone. In a job interview that might happen if there werenít other qualified applicants who lived right there, but there were. I really just wanted to find my guy and job interviews is very close to what the experience of online dating was like for me. I just used these rules to weed. I must say again, I was a virgin on my wedding night at age 27 so I was careful about emotional complications and damage control, I think.
    The difference may be that I was a beggar and you were a chooser :). I excluded a few major demographic groups in my matching parameters, and weeded out the ones that seemed to have 'fake' or shallow profiles. Between that and being male, I didn't get a whole lot of matches. Even though I occasionally did communicate with multiple women at times, I didn't go on actual dates with multiple women at the same time.

    I hate dating with a passion, partly because it is like an interview and partly because of all the fakery involved. I find interviewing extraordinarily stressful (so much so that I sometimes get trapped in dead end jobs), and dating is no exception. I've gotten to a point that when it does happen, I try to be as authentic as I can without seeming too much like the complete and hopeless nerd that I am, or revealing anything inappropriate for a first date.
    Llyralen thanked this post.

  2. #62

    Quote Originally Posted by CountZero View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    I’m still not sure how the quality vs quantity thing works when it comes to trying to find the love of your life online. It’s like job interviews, you can’t cherry pick your applicants. They just apply and you pray you’re smart enough to pick out the good ones to actually meet. If it goes well you go out again. It would have unduly complicated things to take time to write to someone who said they couldn’t come to the interview. If I wanted to slow it down then that’s a method, but I was interviewing and wanted to hire a husband.

    When everything seemed to be going well with one person then I put a hold on my account.

    I would have made an exception for an amazing writer I suppose, if something about the person drew me in to exclude the others, but you find out a lot in person as an ENFP— Voice tone and chemistry and energy— and in general I was interviewing, not holding out and writing to someone. In a job interview that might happen if there weren’t other qualified applicants who lived right there, but there were. I really just wanted to find my guy and job interviews is very close to what the experience of online dating was like for me. I just used these rules to weed. I must say again, I was a virgin on my wedding night at age 27 so I was careful about emotional complications and damage control, I think.
    The difference may be that I was a beggar and you were a chooser 🙂. I excluded a few major demographic groups in my matching parameters, and weeded out the ones that seemed to have 'fake' or shallow profiles. Between that and being male, I didn't get a whole lot of matches. Even though I occasionally did communicate with multiple women at times, I didn't go on actual dates with multiple women at the same time.

    I hate dating with a passion, partly because it is like an interview and partly because of all the fakery involved. I find interviewing extraordinarily stressful (so much so that I sometimes get trapped in dead end jobs), and dating is no exception. I've gotten to a point that when it does happen, I try to be as authentic as I can without seeming too much like the complete and hopeless nerd that I am, or revealing anything inappropriate for a first date.
    That's the experience of most men, unless you're one of these perfectly chiseled guys, you don't get much attention and even if you do make efforts to see a woman, in the end they still get to choose if you qualify or not.

    So I think a lot of women can be a bit arrogant on OLD, they have this checklist of things that you have to match and if you don't they just say, "next" !
    Guys can be assholes, but serious ones have to put really lots of effort in it, it is indeed like a second job.

  3. #63

    Quote Originally Posted by CountZero View Post
    The difference may be that I was a beggar and you were a chooser :). I excluded a few major demographic groups in my matching parameters, and weeded out the ones that seemed to have 'fake' or shallow profiles. Between that and being male, I didn't get a whole lot of matches. Even though I occasionally did communicate with multiple women at times, I didn't go on actual dates with multiple women at the same time.

    I hate dating with a passion, partly because it is like an interview and partly because of all the fakery involved. I find interviewing extraordinarily stressful (so much so that I sometimes get trapped in dead end jobs), and dating is no exception. I've gotten to a point that when it does happen, I try to be as authentic as I can without seeming too much like the complete and hopeless nerd that I am, or revealing anything inappropriate for a first date.
    I totally sympathize. Dating is not comfortable usually and because I was single/dating for longer than I wanted to be myself, I am super grateful for my husband whenever I think about being single. I actually met my husband in person after I'd committed to a guy I'd met online who was one of the "exceptions" sort of because he was in a different state and we got fairly serious through daily phone calls and instant messages. He was an ISFJ and on the phone our Fi-Fe and Te-Ti bonded, but in person his Si was pretty unhappy over the off the wall way that I do basically everything and I've never felt my Ne shut down so completely maybe ever. I felt like I couldn't even speak. Which just kind of proves to me that you can't always tell from messages and writing if someone will work for you. In person gives me more to work with in the weeding process--- but that's me and I personally know several couples who started their relationships online. Heck, there's people in long-distance relationships now that don't even seem to ever aspire to being physically together even.

    Quality over quantity makes sense if you've got the role of recruiter (to extend the "jobs" metaphor). And if you're thinking seriously about someone then I think it's a good to not be looking into others, but there's so many different ways to do everything that have to do with situation and how comfortable different people are with different stuff.

    @Djairouks I think there were 10 guys to every woman or something like that when I was online dating. I used to actually call it my second job for the 2 months that I dated online. Yep.
    CountZero thanked this post.

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  5. #64

    @Llyralen - I'm not sure I'm definitely looking for the love of my life. And I think that's why some recommend to date around. I honestly do want to build a connection with one person and see where it leads - just not sure it will lead to forever yet.

    @CountZero - I think the whole "match parameters" with online dating does makes this all tricky. And different apps have different rules. It kind of sets you up to only look for a certain thing. This is why I pay to see likes on whatever app I use. The most recent guy liked me first, and I wouldn't have seen him otherwise cause there is a large age difference and I have my match parameters set in a way that would have weeded him out. Paying to see likes means I get to see men I may not have otherwise considered. I think being able to go into the whole thing with an open mind is very important. I have certain things I want, a checklist if you may, but I also stay open to possibility of someone surprising me.

    I also sympathize with your feelings of it being like an interview. I try and keep things light, but the reality is, you really are just exchanging questions and stories to get to know if someone might be a good fit - do you have the same sense of humor, do you have similar hobbies, are close with your family, do you want similar things in your career and lifestyle - these are important things to weed out and I don't think you can get away from that. Unless you just become friends with people and then date someone in your friend group, first (and second and third dates) will most often be about back and forth sharing of these types of things.

  6. #65

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    @Llyralen - I'm not sure I'm definitely looking for the love of my life. And I think that's why some recommend to date around. I honestly do want to build a connection with one person and see where it leads - just not sure it will lead to forever yet.

    @CountZero - I think the whole "match parameters" with online dating does makes this all tricky. And different apps have different rules. It kind of sets you up to only look for a certain thing. This is why I pay to see likes on whatever app I use. The most recent guy liked me first, and I wouldn't have seen him otherwise cause there is a large age difference and I have my match parameters set in a way that would have weeded him out. Paying to see likes means I get to see men I may not have otherwise considered. I think being able to go into the whole thing with an open mind is very important. I have certain things I want, a checklist if you may, but I also stay open to possibility of someone surprising me.

    I also sympathize with your feelings of it being like an interview. I try and keep things light, but the reality is, you really are just exchanging questions and stories to get to know if someone might be a good fit - do you have the same sense of humor, do you have similar hobbies, are close with your family, do you want similar things in your career and lifestyle - these are important things to weed out and I don't think you can get away from that. Unless you just become friends with people and then date someone in your friend group, first (and second and third dates) will most often be about back and forth sharing of these types of things.
    One of my biggest gripes with the check list thing, it's that what I see are mostly external details, especially women who write these on their profiles.
    There are of course things I search in my partner, but they are more about values and how they see life, which cannot be summarised by one question.

    As opposed to some lists I saw about looks, height, how to treat the woman and things not tolerated which comes as so negative and controlling, I'm always puzzled how some feel that's going to bring good interactions or good men !?

    Although it sure helps me discard these 😝.

  7. #66

    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    One of my biggest gripes with the check list thing, it's that what I see are mostly external details, especially women who write these on their profiles.
    There are of course things I search in my partner, but they are more about values and how they see life, which cannot be summarised by one question.

    As opposed to some lists I saw about looks, height, how to treat the woman and things not tolerated which comes as so negative and controlling, I'm always puzzled how some feel that's going to bring good interactions or good men !?

    Although it sure helps me discard these .
    Oh, I agree. I've seen so many men post similar things like "don't even bother messaging if you don't live a healthy lifestyle" - ok, but how do you define that? I don't think your list should be on the app.

    My list is definitely more about my values and what I want in a partner (and I don't put it in my profile):
    Intelligent
    Goal-Oriented
    Kind
    Adventurous
    Laid-back
    Athletic
    Fashionable

    I would also like to have similar values when it comes to career, family, and travel. But all of these are things you find out when you actually go on dates together and talk. I think your app profile is just a quick "hello" in a way. It should highlight a bit of your personality and maybe your hobbies. The rest you figure out as you date people.

  8. #67

    Quote Originally Posted by cmouse79 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Djairouks View Post
    One of my biggest gripes with the check list thing, it's that what I see are mostly external details, especially women who write these on their profiles.
    There are of course things I search in my partner, but they are more about values and how they see life, which cannot be summarised by one question.

    As opposed to some lists I saw about looks, height, how to treat the woman and things not tolerated which comes as so negative and controlling, I'm always puzzled how some feel that's going to bring good interactions or good men !?

    Although it sure helps me discard these ��.
    Oh, I agree. I've seen so many men post similar things like "don't even bother messaging if you don't live a healthy lifestyle" - ok, but how do you define that? I don't think your list should be on the app.

    My list is definitely more about my values and what I want in a partner (and I don't put it in my profile):
    Intelligent
    Goal-Oriented
    Kind
    Adventurous
    Laid-back
    Athletic
    Fashionable

    I would also like to have similar values when it comes to career, family, and travel. But all of these are things you find out when you actually go on dates together and talk. I think your app profile is just a quick "hello" in a way. It should highlight a bit of your personality and maybe your hobbies. The rest you figure out as you date people.
    Yep it is very disturbing those people who basically, tell you not to text them for XYZ reason.
    Then I would ask them, why should anyone text you 😂 ?

    Yeah I call this the fast food effect, now people expect fast relationships, where the time from reading a profile, to getting married is reduced to a minimum, because a bio is worth 6 months of dating...

    Well you really have the healthiest mindset of a woman dating, that I've ever heard, you'll be fine !
    cmouse79 thanked this post.


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