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ENFPs and Infidelity

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This is a discussion on ENFPs and Infidelity within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; @ TheWildOne : I just meant that I hold myself to certain standards and doing something like that is not ...

  1. #21
    Unknown Personality


    @TheWildOne : I just meant that I hold myself to certain standards and doing something like that is not becoming of the person that I am. Sometimes I may come across as being on a moral high horse, but I assure you that I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just know that certain things are not things that I want to partake in for my own personal reasons... People make choices that suit them, and I make mine based on what I know about myself. I'm really big on personal freedom, so this isn't an admonition of others. It's just my thoughts on how I choose to live my life.

    Cheating takes some amount of forethought and (as introspective as I am) I feel that knowingly doing that to someone who trusts me would eventually eat me up inside, which is why I said it's not fair to ME. In my eyes, it wouldn't be fair for me to knowingly put that life-long burden on myself for some in-the-moment pleasure... A pleasure that probably wouldn't last and if it did, would probably cause me to question the morals of the person who cheated with me, thereby eventually ruining the new relationship...

    I'm pretty sure the fallout from consciously choosing to do such a selfish and destructive thing would be really detrimental to ME in the long run; causing me a great deal of sadness, remorse, shame, questioning of myself and my self-worth, etc. I don't have any personal experience with cheating, but I know that I always feel extremely guilty when I make mistakes that hurt people. I'm usually pretty outspoken, but if I say something that I know has hurt someone else (even if it's true), I always feel bad for it. Not regret usually (if it's true), but sadness that I felt compelled to say something that would hurt another. In fact, I even feel bad for people when I verbally defend myself against their verbal attacks...

    That's why I try to think before I say or do things that COULD have a negative impact on others or myself. Even if they don't care, I usually end up caring and thinking about it ad nauseum lol. So, back to the point... my reasoning is that if I ever chose to be unfaithful, then I think it would hurt me quite a bit (in addition to hurting the others involved). Therefore, making such a decision is, in fact, unfair to me.

    PS. I hope I did that "mention" at the beginning properly lol.
    TheWildOne thanked this post.

  2. #22
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by tempered View Post
    I guess that was my thing, not trusting someone due to lack of communication and other factors.
    I think opposite-sex friendships are healthy and good (or can be) - and if there's a little attraction, not acted on, so much the better. I remember when my beautiful friend Ariana flirted with me after 17 years, I told my INFJ grrl right away and she said, "Good! I'm glad that finally happened!"

    It can all work out, with communication and a good will.

  3. #23
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWildOne View Post
    I have never met confirmed ENFPs who admit to having cheated on their partners, or consider themselves capable of doing such a thing.
    This could be, in part, to the ENFP focus on the positive - also a self-concept issue of always wanting to be "nice." One reason I've made myself go deep into things: I want to know all sides.
    TheWildOne thanked this post.

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  5. #24
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    @tempered:
    Thanks for jumping in! You're more than welcome to interrupt participate as often as you want. Ask anyone, they'll all agree. :)

    How do you guys feel about your SO having opposite sex friends and meeting up with them without your presence or knowledge of what's going on?
    Excellent question. I don't think I have a standard, ready-made answer for that. Let's explore it here.

    As of having opposite sex friends that I don't know, well, that's inevitable, I think. It comes with having different social circles, and working in different places, which I believe is a healthy thing.

    Now, meeting up with them without letting my partner know and vice versa... that's a whole other thing. In general, I would at least appreciate knowing. No details necessary, but a little heads-up would do. Something along the lines of: "Hey, I'm meeting ABC for a beer tomorrow night", or "You know, I stumbled upon XYZ yesterday and we had lunch together".

    That would suffice, and I haven't turned into a jealousy-fueled fury when my partners have told me something along those lines. Just please, don't "hide" your meet-ups with friends of the opposite sex. It'd be weird, and would feel shady and dishonest, which in turn would trigger my Suspicion Alarm.

    Besides, people tallk. So chances are, I'll find out eventually, and will feel crappy for not knowing from the man himself.

    Thanks for that question, @tempered. You made me think. :)
    fguewriter and tempered thanked this post.

  6. #25
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by tempered View Post
    Then again, it's hard for me to imagine trusting anyone that much anytime soon, and I'd rationally consider it a danger, since human nature can be an unpredictable influence. Possibly even more so with free spirits?

    This could be grouped under what constitutes infidelity. Just an idea... nobody feel compelled to respond. ;p
    Human nature is human nature. (Gee, just how gifted with words am I?) What I mean is that, as @cudibloop suggested, we're all unpredictable to a certain degree.

    Not to be snarky but really because I want to know: what do you consider a free spirit? And how would you see that connected to infidelity?

    @Enfpleasantly:
    The way I see it, you managed to define infidelity in a perfect way: crystal clear and encompassing. Couldn't have said it better. :)

    @chimeric:
    Agreed. That kind of thing doesn't sound healthy at all!

    @Raewyn:
    Lots of food for thought in your post. I'd like to take a few minutes to consider it and get back to you, if that's okay?
    Enfpleasantly and fguewriter thanked this post.

  7. #26

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWildOne View Post
    @StaceofBass: I agree, it's all about honesty. And I can't believe that ex-bf of yours! On top of such a horrible experience... what a jerk. You are obviously better off without him. *hugs*
    Yeah I definitely agree. On my way home, I was asking everyone I knew if I should tell him about what happened...they all warned me not to. I struggled to see their reasons why because I had nothing to hide. I did nothing wrong.

    I expected him to want to go after my ex-friend. I did not expect to be accused of wanting it...of having feelings for this ex-friend...of basically asking for it and cheating on him.

    I am much better off without him. He was very controlling...and abusive. I had to tell my best friend I couldn't be his friend anymore because of this ex. My best friend and I have since rekindled our friendship. I had a lot of apologies to give out after my ex and I broke up...
    TheWildOne, Raewyn and fguewriter thanked this post.

  8. #27
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by AyaSullivan View Post
    I think the night one stand would be something harder to forgive but not deserving death penalty especially if it's once and with someone we both don't know, like once you go out and get completely drunk to the point where you remember nothing.
    Got it. Thanks! I can see how that fits with the opinion you expressed before. In all honesty, I would like to be as accepting as you on that respect. I'll have to think about it hard and deep, so thanks for triggering the self-analysis process. :)
    Aya the Abysswalker and fguewriter thanked this post.

  9. #28
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    @Sat Nam :
    Thank you. I wanted to fully understand your views. I'm sorry if I made it sound like I was challenging you, and hope you were not offended. I really didn't mean to.

    In fact, I quite like the ideas you just expressed. We should all know clearly which things really are beneath us. That doesn't make us self-rightheous, but self-aware. Good for you!

    I particularly like this part:
    In my eyes, it wouldn't be fair for me to knowingly put that life-long burden on myself for some in-the-moment pleasure... A pleasure that probably wouldn't last and if it did, would probably cause me to question the morals of the person who cheated with me, thereby eventually ruining the new relationship...
    I hope to be guided by a similar inner compass in everything I do.

    This, too:
    That's why I try to think before I say or do things that COULD have a negative impact on others or myself. Even if they don't care, I usually end up caring and thinking about it ad nauseum lol. So, back to the point... my reasoning is that if I ever chose to be unfaithful, then I think it would hurt me quite a bit (in addition to hurting the others involved). Therefore, making such a decision is, in fact, unfair to me.
    To an extent, I feel the same way. Meaning that, as I stated in a previous posts, I know my current partner would forgive a lot more from me than I would forgive myself. So there are things I won't do, not only because they would hurt my partner, but because I don't think I could live with the choice.

    All in all, you put it beautifully, Sat Nam. :)
    fguewriter and Sat Nam thanked this post.

  10. #29

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWildOne View Post
    Got it. Thanks! I can see how that fits with the opinion you expressed before. In all honesty, I would like to be as accepting as you on that respect. I'll have to think about it hard and deep, so thanks for triggering the self-analysis process. :)
    You're welcome! I would have to think a lot about it, if it is worth it or not, but I'm a forgiving about that because I don't believe we should be too possessive. I was in possessive relationships that ruined all the love I could have for those people. I'm more unforgiving about other things though. I think it all depends on your experiences above all.
    TheWildOne and fguewriter thanked this post.

  11. #30
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by fguewriter View Post
    This could be, in part, to the ENFP focus on the positive - also a self-concept issue of always wanting to be "nice."
    That's an interesting theory. I thought it might have been because of the almost rabid defense of value systems and moral whatnots, but you know what? You could just be right about that. Hmm. *huddles in a corner to think*


    @StaceofBass: I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that. It's more than anyone should have to experience.
    Still, we live to learn, I guess. I bet you're a lot more likely to be on the lookout for signs of unhealthy behavior in potential partners now. So as terrible as I imagine it was, maybe there's something positive, albeit small, to draw out of it?
    StaceofBass and fguewriter thanked this post.


     
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