[ENFP] ENFPs and Infidelity

ENFPs and Infidelity

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This is a discussion on ENFPs and Infidelity within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I have question for my fellow ENFPs: Where do you stand on the subject of... *lowers voice* infidelity? I've seen ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    ENFPs and Infidelity

    I have question for my fellow ENFPs:

    Where do you stand on the subject of... *lowers voice* infidelity?

    I've seen it stated around here that us ENFPs are closer to serial monogamers than outright cheaters. That as Ne-dom Fi-aux, we tend to rely strongly on our value systems, which -at least theoretically- would imply wanting a deep emotional connection with our sexual partners, and a repulsion for the idea of deeply hurting our Significant Others. It all sounds very pretty, and all, but I wonder if one thing is actually linked to the other.

    So I think the question is, do you find that to be your case, fellow ENFPs? Or, if you know any ENFPs in real life, or have dated or been married to one, were they of that opinion?

    Also, it would be nice if we could discuss the whole cheating topic... So here's an extra few questions if you're in the mood for debating. I am particularly interested in answers from ENFPs, but hey, this is a discussion, so everybody's welcome. :)

    - What is infidelity to you?
    What do you consider cheating? What are your parameters?
    As in, "It's not cheating if I'm not married", or "... if we're not living together", or "...if it's just making out", or "a one-night-stand with no deep emotional attachment", or "...even fantasyzing with someone else is cheating in my book"?

    - How much are you or have you been willing to forgive from your partner?
    Do you consider infidelity an unforgivable offense? Or would there be extenuating circumstances? How much would you be (or have you been) able to tolerate? Would you continue in a relationship with someone you know has been unfaithful to you?
    As in, "I would forgive my partner if they told me immediately and promised never to do it again", or "...if it's a purely sexual thing", or "...I know about it and they wouldn't leave me to be with this other person"?

    - If you're comfortable sharing, have you ever cheated on a partner?
    Within that line, feel free to elaborate as much or as little as you want, please. ;-)

    Any other comments or questions on the subject would, also, be very welcome.

    Of course, I'll share my views here, too.

  2. #2

    So I think the question is, do you find that to be your case, fellow ENFPs? Or, if you know any ENFPs in real life, or have dated or been married to one, were they of that opinion?

    I am strongly guided by my values...and up at the top of my values is Honesty. You can't really breed a culture of honesty and trust in a romantic relationship if you're sleeping with other people and trying to hide it. That being said, I cannot cheat on my partner. I am morally unable to.

    - What is infidelity to you?
    This really depends. I trust my partner until I find reason I shouldn't.

    But to answer the question a bit more...if we are officially together, it is considered cheating in my book.

    - How much are you or have you been willing to forgive from your partner?
    If they told me it would never happen again, I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and give them another chance. Though they DO have to regain my trust. If it DOES happen again, buh-bye.

    - If you're comfortable sharing, have you ever cheated on a partner?
    Nope, but I have been accused...a friend tried to rape me and I told my bf at the time...the bf accused me of cheating...yeah implied facepalm.

  3. #3

    What is infidelity to you?
    That's a hard question. Infidelity is when someone cheats on you and it's usually related to a sexual relationship, but I only believe that there is actual infidelity when a member of relationship has another relationship parallel to the first one. Sex does not equals love and has been shown that break the routine makes relationships better and stronger. We cannot stop ourselves to think I would fuck that bicth so hard if I wasn't with my babe (if you're with someone who actually says this run, though) and we shouldn't judge everything as cheating. A good relationship is build on mutual respect and respect.
    I've heard stories about men having two families and that's just unforgiving now going to a show and put your boyfriend drooling over a model while she stripes is no cheating, that's nature.

    I was never in a healthy relationship, so that probably explains why I was this strange vision of a one night stand not equaling cheating. Because really? Are you willing to leave a fantastic relationship that you have with someone who is sure that loves because he slept a few times with some women he never saw again? Are you willing to throw it all away? I wouldn't. But like I said, I never had a single healthy relationship in my life. So I might be just speaking illogical bullshit.
    Last edited by Aya the Abysswalker; 02-06-2013 at 02:54 PM. Reason: Added more info.
    Paradox1987, TheWildOne, Julia Bell and 1 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ISFP - The Artists

    I don't have any qualms about myself cheating, the grass is always greener. Am I bad person? Actually, I probably wouldnt even get into a serious relationship in the first place. If I did however and she's dependable I probably wouldn't cheat. That's the thing though, most people aren't entirely dependable
    TheWildOne and Robert Girghescu thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Unknown Personality

    I guess I'm kinda obligated to respond since I agreed that you should make this a new thread, so I'll do so in the little time that I have left lol. I might come back later to flesh this out a bit, but hopefully you get the jist...

    If I am not happy with someone, I will make my unhappiness known to that person in hopes that things will change. If after a looooonnnnnnggggg time, things do not change for the better; I will make it clear to that person that it is over and leave before pursuing another. I don't think cheating is fair to me or anyone involved, so it's a non-option for me. It's not something that I would even consider in a healthy stable relationship, so if I am even thinking about being with another guy, then I know the guy I am with is not the one... I don't see anyone else in a romantic light when I'm committed to and love someone. If I am not committed and don't love someone, then I won't be in a relationship with them. So it's a pretty good feed-back loop kinda deal lol.

    Infidelity comes in many different forms from intimate online relationships to being emotionally intimate with another in person/on the phone to actually physically "crossing the line:" touching, kissing, sex, whatever. I think it's all an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship and if it's happening, the person doing it should leave. I think it's selfish.

    If two people are in a committed relationship and there's any of the above, then it's cheating, whether they live together/are married or not.

    Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with a situation of the sort. So, I'm really not sure how I would handle it, but I know my trust would be completely shattered and I'd have a hard time moving past such an incident. Of course, we are all human and we all make mistakes, so I'd look at what ACTUALLY occurred and make decisions based on my gut instincts. Some things are just irreparable to me, though. So it'd depend on the severity of what happened. I'd forgive them though for my sake even if I ultimately decided to move on. That's just how I am. Hope that's sufficient : )

  7. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWildOne View Post
    Where do you stand on the subject of... *lowers voice* infidelity?
    My theory about people is that we can rest easier about our sexualities if we think of ourselves as having several sexual systems - possibly consisting of several evolutionary layers. There's the more everyday one, and then there's the deeper and more obscure, which we usually conceive of as the most primitive. We don't just have one sexuality, so some of the inner conflicts we feel can be resolved that way. That's on the inside! Externally, it's behavior, and that falls under moral care.

    I think in general, yes, ENFPs are value-driven in sexuality particularly when it comes to our relationships. But our more primitive sides, if you will, are still there, same as anyone's, and from what I've read we seem to have high sex drives, most of us. So one can stand by for drama when ENFPs are around! And yes, I think most ENFPs have high empathy, so hurting an SO would be hurtful to them.

    *However* ... partly speaking from past personal experience, ENFPs with their giving natures can get in relationships or situations where we feel empathically responsible or beholden to a person - I think it's said that ENFPs are reluctant to break up, because of not wanting to hurt the other person - and that can lead to a wandering libido in some way. I've lived that sometimes (will specify more below).

    > What is infidelity to you?

    Well, the simplest answer is "whatever your partner thinks it is, that you have good reason to know or should know they would." A very monogamous, say possibly also highly religious, couple might find having a fantasy about another cheating. A more libertine couple might find having sex with another person without prior agreement with one's SO to be cheating. Then there's what "should" be considered cheating - an insoluble question, since "shoulds" are so difficult. So, let's stick with #1. Cheating is behavior related to romance and/or sex that a partner finds betraying of trust, which the actor knows or has good reason to know their partner would so find, and the actor consciously does it anyway. Probably a good basic definition would include some kind of deceit, at least to the point of non-informing. I can get behind that definition.

    My own relationships have tended a little more on the libertine side - but not too far. I'm probably somewhat naturally polyamorous. I've liked when my partners have been sexually experienced, and the whole untouched/chaste virginity thing held little appeal to me as such. (Now, a *corrupt-minded* virgin could be a different story. @phony , you keep quiet.) I like women who are strong in themselves and are doing what they like without submission to the "community's" regard. This can include being sexually dominant or submissive - doesn't matter, so long as it comes out of fire and delight. So the subjective criterion for cheating is good by me. Both of my longest relationships had times when we saw others, and in a few cases there were some interesting menages; let's leave it at that. It was done aboveboard, but there were times when one or the other of us made the other uncomfortable, and got somewhat close to the cheating line.

    I've forgiven my partners quite a bit, and they've forgiven me quite a bit. Not so much direct crossings of lines as things around that area - for instance, something that drives me crazy is when a partner of mine has a crush on someone - and doesn't tell me. That's just intolerable to me, because I want to be in *deep* contact with my partner, and that means there's a withholding going on. Which means there's a mess underneath. Okay, to criticize myself, it's driven (some of) my partners crazy if among my numerous friendships someone starts to feel possessive of me or like they own me. And sometimes I didn't pick up the signs, though they were quite obvious. So it's a complex line, and really more a matter of zones.

    Now, to go head on into forgiveness: I could probably forgive a very great deal if my partner made a clean breast, was not blaming me falsely or otherwise being political, was working to make it better, and it wasn't a massive prolonged deception. I think all interactions are transactional - both sides contribute - so I'd rather focus on why we went off the rails and what does that say we need and should do. Of course I would be angry, hurt, and the rest - but my decisions would hopefully go toward finding out what happened and healing, if healing could be done. (That could be the ENFP unwillingness to break up, of course.)

    So, to address your last question directly: under my definition, yes. I've cheated in some years past. And you know what? It wasn't worth it. When all the smoke and dust died down, there wasn't that much to it.

    I try to look at things both humanistically and biologically. Biologically speaking, cheating is a reproductive strategy - and it seems to be well-implanted in our species. Something like 20% of all kids, supposedly, bear a different paternity than the Dad thinks they have. (This is one of the secret powers of women. Men have their own.) If we'd evolved differently, we wouldn't be *able* to cheat: we'd be bound to one person at a time. But human sexuality is above all ingenious and creative. It would flourish more if we bought some compassion to it (and also a commitment to keep passion up). So maybe everyone can meet in the middle, and openly negotiate what cheating is and is not - and, like any good system, include some give and play in it, to keep things healthy.
    Paradox1987, TheWildOne, chimeric and 2 others thanked this post.

  8. #7

    I'm a Christian, so this might end up being an interesting perspective. I note that there's quite a few Christians who don't hold the same views I do (but plenty do as well).

    What is infidelity?

    This really depends on how you view a relationship. To me, a relationship is between two people who make a promise with each other to love each other. (Love in this sort of relationship being an action, something you willingly do and give and you choose to give it). To be faithful to each other.

    On that note, here is what infidelity is in my view.

    The breaking of a promise. An act of dishonesty. When you've gotten yourself into a committed relationship with a person, essentially promised yourself to that person, and you cheat on them. By this I mean allowing yourself to lust in any way after another person. This extends to voluntarily (this being a key word -- I will elaborate) allowing yourself to fantasize over them (yes, in your mind).

    As to why I extend this to the scary mental zone, it's because I take mental desires pretty seriously. For example, I consider mentally wishing I could murder a person to be extremely terrible. Because even if I didn't physically do it, I wished it. I actively murdered that person in my mind. Maybe that doesn't strike you as it does me. But it means I have the mind of a person who wants to kill -- who wishes death on a person. So similarly, by allowing myself to mentally fantasize like I mentioned above is in a way almost as bad as actually doing what I am letting myself fantasize.

    Also, let me clarify the fantasizing thing. It's only human to look at someone who is sexually appealing and be physically attracted to them. There is nothing wrong with that. <-- Seriously. I emphasize that point. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. That's just simple chemistry, lol. But it becomes "cheating" when you actively let yourself chase in any way after that person just to feel the pleasure that accompanies it. It has to be an active choice for it to be infidelity.

    When you cheat on a person, why do you do it? Just for momentary pleasure, to fulfill something that you felt you weren't getting or you just want more of (or a combination of both). To me infidelity is an act of selfishness, while being in a committed relationship requires selflessness -- the exact opposite.

    How much are you or have you been willing to forgive from your partner?

    I'd forgive anything, so long as they asked and then (because you know how sometimes we say "Sorry" but then don't do anything to fix our problems) show that they are willing to be faithful again. Rebuilding trust.

    Humans are not perfect. We make mistakes. I hope my partner would also be willing to forgive me if I broke that promise too.

    Have you ever cheated on a partner?

    Haven't had a partner to cheat on yet.
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  9. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Interesting topic, thanks for posting!

    I won't interrupt much, but I'm essentially a prude and wouldn't forgive someone for cheating, at least as it pertains to having any kind of further relationship with them. I could forgive someone in a sense of not hating them, though; If they seek forgiveness.

    How do you guys feel about your SO having opposite sex friends and meeting up with them without your presence or knowledge of what's going on?
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  10. #9

    Cheating is doing something intimate (emotionally or physically) you wouldn't do with another person in front of your SO.

    Infidelity is a very serious thing and to me, in a long term marriage, I would say it's an indicator that there is a severe disconnect in the couple. I would argue that in many situations, this is the fault of the couple together.

    If my Husband cheated on me, I would be heart broken, but I would also wonder how we got to that point in the first place; including looking at myself and the role I might've played in him turning to another person. It would make question everything, make me look at us, our relationship, and what happened to us...this doesn't mean I could get over it though.
    Surreal Snake, Night & Day, sriracha and 8 others thanked this post.

  11. #10
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Quote Originally Posted by tempered View Post
    How do you guys feel about your SO having opposite sex friends and meeting up with them without your presence or knowledge of what's going on?
    Is the idea that there was active withholding and it was really abnormal, or it was normal, or - ?

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