This is a discussion on ENFP Abuse Survivor/PTSD within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by SophiaMarie @ Laeona both would be accurate. Painful memories and feeling misunderstood. I do wonder if the ...
: ( *hugs from here too!!* I feel your frustration… Obviously I can’t know completely what it’s like for you, because we’re different people, but I know how it feels to be frustrated by things being triggered. For me it’s more a ‘freeze’ response versus rage… and I hate *hate* how it messes with social situations -.- Progress has definitely be made, but I know it can definitely seem like a sloooow uphill journey sometimes : P
@Animus Tigridis Just because you’re cured of a condition does not erase the past or the fact that you experienced that condition. I think we *are* scarred by our pasts in ways…BUT that ‘scarring’ doesn’t have to be seen in a negative light. I saw a quote recently that read, “Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” I like that way of looking at it. When I think/talk about scarring like that, it’s in the sense that there are some things you can’t change (if just for the fact that they *happened*), and that even ‘cured’ still leave traces that their presence was *once* there, even if it is no longer.
With all that said, though, I agree with much of what you’ve said and think your determination towards positivity, strength and progress in your own life is genuinely admirable, and I appreciate the passion you seem to have to share the encouragement and hope for recovery with others!!! I just had different thoughts on that one point in particular…
: ( just reading this makes me want to give you a hug!!! I’m so, so glad you found someone who was finally able to give you the emotional support you needed and deserved!! “Hang out with terror for awhile”… That really is a good quote…thank you for sharing it. And the experience you described right after that is quite powerful too. I definitely agree. It’s like a balancing act between all your feelings and past experiences, so that none of them become too powerful but none of them are suppressed either… (there’s probably a better way to phrase my input on this, but I’m too tired at the moment haha XP)
lol Funny mental picture of your avatar picture @twyndelhen :
"rawr! fear me <3 <3 <3 *Hugs* ^_^ hehe"
Hehehehe!!!!! I'm glad!! ^.^ I liked the mental image and it made me laugh when I first saw it too!!! XD hehehe I felt like it fit somehow
To some extend I think we are somewhat hardcoded to respond to raised voices and fighting people with arousal. (unless you are completely apathetic) But it's not merely the sense of threat or danger, more importantly it's the feeling and expectation of not being able to control the situation/threat that causes the stress, anxiety or panic. (just like when you need to perform a task you've never done before or performed badly, under pressure of a deadline)
We 'learn' ourselves coping styles to deal with stress and conflict, and these are deeply embedded in our behavior, and eventually not just applied at home. They may have been effective for the time being. But they can become counterproductive and maladaptive over time. If for instance your coping style was to avoid conflict at any cost, and efface yourself, you'll make as much progress as someone with a social fobia staying at home. It may even become worse, reinforced by negative anticipation and self-fulfilling prophecy. Being no 6 of 7 children, my coping style was actually to raise my voice (hostility/aggression). And not just at home. But yes, very counterproductive and maladative over time (escalation) as well, and often self-fulfilling prophecy. Not much progress.
At some point, I acknowledged that I needed to control my anger and aggression, and learn to control conflict-situations. So aside from 're-writing', I learned a lot working in a bar as a sidejob, something I wasn't sure I had the social skills for. Anyway the more you learn to control, the less you experience stress or anxiety.
Also, you mentioned 'flooding', which is a cognitive behavioral technique. Example (at the end)
Last edited by mimesis; 04-27-2013 at 08:09 AM.
Although, given the choice, I probably wouldn't inflict that on others. I've often said I would not wish my experiences on even my worst enemies.
You know, we all could have chosen very different ways from the ones we're taking right now. We could have become the very things we suffered through, perpetuated the cycle. But we didn't. It soothes my soul to know I wasn't alone in that choice.
I was thinking of posting this link, but now you mentioned this, I guess I should...
*Attachment Simplified – Disorganized Insecure Attachment – Disorganized-Disoriented | Stop the Storm
More on attachment theory
--Incoming INFJ brain dump--
I have been thinking a lot lately about a person's trauma and their own life's story....I feel as if much of a person's pain in early life becomes engraved on their soul, so to say. We never really leave those things behind because they are apart of the pages to our book. Time does not heal wounds, it provides time for us to decide what we do with those wounds. The only thing we can do is control what is written on the following pages, how we write those things that come after pivotal, powerful parts of our own personal story. Those things in the past and most importantly, how we react to those things define us. The event that happened ten pages ago does not matter so much as what is written now and the reaction to that thing. But that thing is still apart of us, an important part that is who we are but it does not define what we do and how we are. We decide that, not that event. We either overcome pain and fear in some form or we do not. We decide if we live with that pain and carry on or we just survive with it and drag it along as it weighs our steps down. All of this is so very difficult and it is challenging and it is not fair, in the least, life is not fair and it is not easy, we are all individuals with our own individual burden, it is folly to prostrate ourselves in fits of anger that something is not fair or that life is too difficult. While we all want and hope that things can be fair and are easy, that is, unfortunately not how things operate. If everything was fair, just and easy, life wouldn't be worth living.
While much of this has been in my mind for quite some time, that our reaction to events is what define us, not the events themselves. It is been developing more as time passes by. When we abandon that fear, those negative things that have become attached to those painful events is when a major breakthrough is made. As a child I was significantly alone, very isolated from everyone and everything, I lived a very painful and lonely existence when I was younger. Now I am at the cusp of beginning my career as a teacher and hoping to be put at the specific age when my lonesome was most poignant. The pain and the anguish that I felt the most in my life, coming round, full circle, recycled from terrible negativity to hopeful optimism and idealism that I will make the difference that I did not experience as a child.
@Humilis Curator Thank you for your input. I'm so happy that you've managed to turn it around for the better. Just reading what little you wrote about your childhood made me emotional because I can relate to it so well. We'll always be marked by it, but it's our choice to learn how to work with it use it as fuel for something better. Even though it's so very painful... I'm sorry you've had to feel so alone. I hope you never feel that way again, and that you're able to bring light and happiness to those around you, especially those children you're going to be working with. I hope if any are hurting like we were that you can show them a love they've never had. I posted a more in depth story of my childhood on another thread. Perhaps I'll copy it onto here so you have an idea.
My childhood was very traumatising. I posted this originally here https://personalitycafe.com/nfs-tempe...ml#post3662685
I'm an ENFP, but I'm close to in between the extravert/introvert area. My mom also has borderline personality disorder, and my dad is narcissistic. He's also a cocaine addict. Just imagine all the traumatising childhood experiences from just that statement... I was born out of wedlock. My dad wasn't around for the first couple years of my life because he was off doing drugs and in and out of jail. Then my mom started going to church and decided it was morally right for them to get married. That was possibly the worst mistake of her life. They got married when I was 2... I was the flower girl. I remember it clearly, which feels odd. You shouldn't remember yours parents wedding. It didn't take long for things to go wrong after that. He abandoned us, and I lived with my grandparents until I was nearly 7. I only saw him a few times in between then... he'd come visit sometimes when he was sober and give me presents. I'd fall for it because I was a little kid, and I just wanted the love and attention. I didn't know that he was only manipulating me. When I realized, it destroyed me. Daddy's a bad man... Daddy doesn't love me. Why doesn't daddy love me? Talking about this now hurts so much. That little girl is still there wondering why daddy didn't love her. Then my mom started taking me to visit him in rehab and my brother was born. I didn't talk to my dad anymore. It started with him, and then spread to every part of my life. I stopped talking, stopped smiling, stopped showing emotions and letting anyone in. I developed a severe social anxiety disorder, and couldn't even look at anyone's face. When I learned to read, that saved my life. I could connect, but remain safe within myself. I've been an avid reader ever since.
1 month before my 7th birthday, my mom packed us up and we moved in with my dad in another state away from everything that was familiar. He was still in rehab, so he didn't live with us until months later. My anxiety worsened, and I became aggressive, living with a man I was so afraid of. I knew that he made my mother cry, and that he left us. That was why he was scary. I didn't witness how truly horrible he is up until this point. The memories are like shards of glass. Every time I walk over them they dig deeper. The first time he beat me I was in shock. I don't even remember why he did it... just the terror... the hatred... confusion. Why didn't my mom stop him? Why didn't she even come to me afterwards to comfort me? I screamed as he picked me up by my belt and threw me against the wall, and no one came. Then he pulled off my pants and hit me, and hit me. I was so embarrassed. He denies it all now. He won't admit that he ever touched me. Years passed like that. He'd be with us off and on, disappearing for days and weeks at a time. Both my parents are verbally abusive. I've been told I'm stupid, boring, fat, worthless... Recently my dad's taken to cursing at me. I guess he figures I'm older now and I deserve it. My mom would tell me I was the reason he always left. Because I wasn't nice to him, he had to go do drugs. I spiralled in a deep depression before I was even 10 years old. By 11 I was suicidal. I started thinking about ways to kill myself. I was deducting the most efficient method, who I wanted to talk to before I died, what it would do to my family... it was too much for a kid to take. All of it. No one ever showed me love. I felt completely worthless, because that's what they told me. For more than a decade, nobody hugged me. Nobody even touched me unless it was to inflict pain. I was tortured. I didn't use that word then, but now I realize it's true.
Just before I turned 12, and in the depths my depression a girl I kind of talked to once or twice invited me to summer camp. She was pretty close to a friend for that point in my life when I still didn't talk much. This was a huge step for me. 5 days with a bunch of strangers away from home. I went. It changed everything. I found people who were actually interested in me, and I made a connection. More importantly than that, I found God and for the first time got a glimpse of what it means to 'have God's love'. That statement is meaningless to someone who has never experienced love before. Suddenly the idea that God loves me took a new meaning. Love is not cruel like my parents are...
That didn't solve my problems, but it sure gave me strength. The timing proved to be essential, because in the years after that things got a lot worse. I'll just wrap it up. The abuse gets worse every year. Last year I called the police 6 times. I spent 6 months away from home and I didn't see my parents or my brothers during that whole time. My mom had 2 more babies with my dad after my first brother was born. She also had a miscarriage, and an abortion while she was in the mental hospital last year. In the fall after we all got back together my dad started doing bath salts. He locked us in the house and was threatening to kill us with a knife. Don't bother telling me to get help, children and youth have already been involved several times. They never do anything.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There are so many horrible stories of abuse and abandonment I could put here. My life has been one tragic event after the other, but I've also had a lot of good things happen. I've also had a lot of happiness. I'm still learning how to be a person. My childhood showed me the world in a very warped way, but I'm excited for what the future will bring. Terrible things happen in this world... but it's filled with just as many wonderful things. Happiness is a choice, it just depends on where you look. This doesn't mean you ignore everything negative. Acknowledge it, feel it, deal with it. It's not the end. Life never stands still, it always moves on. Everything is just part of the cycle. I believe we will be alright. Just make the best decisions for yourself, regardless of what everyone else is doing. It doesn't matter who hurts you, it's just another obstacle. Another challenge. We're meant to live for more than that, and they're destroying themselves most of all. As a girl who has lived without it I know, love is the answer. Without it all is lost. All is worthless. I've pledged to love everyone so that no one has to feel the way that I did for most of my life. If that's the only reason I have to live, that's not so bad at all.