[ENFP] ENFP Going Into Complete Self-Destruction Mode (Need Support)

ENFP Going Into Complete Self-Destruction Mode (Need Support)

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This is a discussion on ENFP Going Into Complete Self-Destruction Mode (Need Support) within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I'm seriously stuck, guys. It began at the age of 25 (two years ago) when I finally began achieving a ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    ENFP Going Into Complete Self-Destruction Mode (Need Support)

    I'm seriously stuck, guys.

    It began at the age of 25 (two years ago) when I finally began achieving a state of independence in the bustling and very expensive City of New York. I find that living here is a constant kick in the teeth. It wasn't so bad when I was with mommy and daddy, but now it's like I'm on some real world jungle type survival shit.

    I'm not working. What happened was that I couldn't do the clerical/office stuff anymore. I was lucky because I lost my job because it simply went under water (Sandy), and FEMA swooped me up. I enjoyed a brief period of high salary, which I had managed to life off quite graciously since (plus unemployment wages).

    Well that is all about to come to an end. So go get a job, right?

    What's stopping me? This overwhelming fear that I am simply not going to survive the rat race, that I have no skills/talents to contribute to society, and that even IF I did the whole work-pay-taxes-consume-accumulate-distract-and-then-die thing that so many seem to be doing in zombifying fashion, I do not think I will be happy.

    I've done it. I wasn't happy. My life felt, at best, like a series of misadventures that reads like a very interesting novella; but I'm still seeking deeper meaning in life.

    I'm lacking the patience to go through the bureaucratic hurdle. There's got to be a better way!

    I'm thinking of chucking it all and going to live in a monastery where I can take my Buddhist practice to new heights. After all, it's a bit hypocritical and counter-productive of me to maintain a good yoga and mediation practice... and then dive straight into reckless self-abandon. It feels like a very surreal roller coaster ride.

    I'm really lacking the confidence to pursue any of my aspirations right now. Encouragement in my life was always lacking, and I grew up dreading asking for it.

    I've been in the worst depression of my life. I sometimes wonder if I want to live anymore.

    I've been waiting two months for Obamacare to sort out my insurance situation so I can FINALLY see a professional. I feel I'm losing it. I don't know how much longer I can wait.

    Something about settling for a job that can anchor me until I get my "shit together" just isn't jiving with me.

    Instinctually, I just feel I need to leave NYC.

    I feel I have wasted my talents and mutated into a rotting mass with no prospects. The horizon I'm chasing just seems to be sinking further and further, and all my dreams are crashing like sandcastles swooped up by the ocean.

    Why am I here? For support. Maybe another person who sees/feels things at a similar angle (i.e. ENFPs) might be able to offer some consolation and heart-warming advice.

    It seems it should be perfectly rational to just grin and bare it for a moment, but I can't bring myself to be a part of a system that I feel dehumanizes us every single day. I'm stuck in ABSOLUTE TERROR and can't move (reptile brain's in fright-or-flight).

    So other ideas I've come up with are organic farming (WWOOFING), and even going into the more sinister regions like stripping (at least that way I might be able to make a lot of money under the table and then quit and go live in Thailand... but that's selling your soul in another way completely). Honestly, not having money scares me. I don't really like money, but society tells me I need it to get my needs met. *facepalm* *cries*

    To top it off, I have experienced some sexual trauma recently (rape) that has caused me to virtually completely recede in my sexuality. I'm terrified that I can't trust a soul (man or woman).

    The problem is that I have too many ideas about what I want to do/where I want to be, and absolute confusion about which direction to choose. If I don't make a move soon, I worry my entire life is going to crumble.

    I refuse to fall back on my family and be infantalized again. I'm too proud to seek help from others. For the most part I worked really hard to act like I've got it together (I don't). I don't have a lot of money, but I refuse to live like I don't: for the most part I buy exclusively organic (which is expensive), and I go for well-crafted and quality items. I can't stand to consume things that I know are unhealthy for me and further uphold ruthless mega corporations. I work tirelessly to make sure the people around me are living healthy and environmentally conscious lives, even going so far as to feed people out of my own pocket (if I see you eating junk food cause you're broke and you'd rather a nice meal... I will fucking buy it for you, no matter how tight my money is). I feed homeless folk on the street. I feel so helpless that I can't do more! I cry often when I reflect on our world's crises. It has deepened my despair, but also dampened it... because it's strengthened my feeling of unity.

    I'm just so fucking lost. I haven't been this lost before. It's truly terrifying. And as I watch my bank account dwindle, money fear keeps me up at night.

    There appears to be a chasm between my value system and the world's value system, and as I've matured, my value system has become progressively more unyielding toward "real world" demands.

    Could it be that the problem is living in NYC? This really is the hub of most everything I detest.

    I thought that I could do this on my own, without support. I wanted to prove to myself that I'm independent, both emotionally and physically.

    I've also become a little bit resentful when seeing other people's happiness and success, because I once believed that I was talented, intelligent and had something going for me. I can't really see that anymore. AND I'M SO TERRIFIED THAT I'LL BE JUDGED FOR NOT BEING STRONG (even as I'm writing this), but I'm putting down my armor and choosing to be honest for a moment, so please respect this sharing of vulnerability. I would be most grateful.

    I've always been a late bloomer and maybe that's what it is.

    I don't know. Help?

    (I worry this sounds a little whiny, but while I can't talk to a therapist... you guys are about all I got). Thanks. *hugs*

    Sometimes I feel terrible for even having to find myself in this state (it's like I'm going in loops). You'd think a 27 year old would have her shit together by now! Truth is, if none of you live in New York, it really is like a jungle out here. Half the 20-somethings I know are successful, and the other half are just as fucked up and in shambles (but managing to get by... barely). Rent's through the roof, everything is changing and expanding so rapidly... I guess the best consolation I have is knowing that despite how our parents have lived, times have changed and it's taking a lot longer for people to get "settled." I'm not the only one experiencing the growing pains of "emerging adulthood" (new sociological term), and that's given me some hope/support. And maybe it's this exact push for security that is the reason why our society is about to crumble. There is no security in a world of impermanence, and as my own life passes before my eyes, I have begun find the remotest consolation is this ephemerality of life. So maybe I am beginning to see the light in a dark situation?

    This too shall pass...
    This too shall pass...

    This post went on a lot longer than I thought it would!

    I hope you all have a pleasant evening/day, and shanti shanti shanti om.

    *bows*

    LOTS OF LOVE! ♥♥♥
    Belzy, FearAndTrembling, earth to adam and 2 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I want to offer some advice, but mind you, it's only stuff that has helped me. If you can, apply it as you see fit!

    Before all of this, though, I would like to offer you a heartfelt apology on behalf of all humanity that you ever had to experience sexual trauma. That is devastating and dehumanizing and awful, and must be painful and terrible to bear.

    My advice.

    If you're feeling trapped, untrap. It is literally and virtually that simple.

    In this life, it would seem to be that traps are as external as they are internal. Part of your problem seems to be the binding you have placed yourself in. Right now, you feel to me as though you are unable to live up to your own expectations and ideals for the life you would like to lead. It is causing you some sincere trauma in of itself. Who is Kali? Who is this woman?

    Find her. Grab her. Own her. Let her run and laugh.

    Sometimes, that does mean making sacrifices, for a temporary cause. If organic is more expensive, you may have to find a suitable alternative to live from for a while. If there are extraneous expenses, it may be best to let them go until you have a reserve. You must spend time discovering what is essential and what is not. What do you NEED?

    Food. Shelter. Clothing.

    Love.

    If I were to slot myself into a similar position as you, what I have done is acquire new resources and fled. You risk losing too much if you do not! NYC seems absolutely toxic to you. It is a corporate environment of capital and gain and monetary investments and pompous assholes and yes, an eclectic variety exists, but at the expense of high living costs and a shitty atmosphere.

    You can always go back.

    Save up the money, pick a place you've always wanted to go, network, make friends in the area online (OkCupid, PoF, Craigslist, Videogames, etc) and move.

    It's doable. It's SO doable.

    As far as Obamacare goes, my room mate got it within a week and a half, and we live in Milwaukee. While it's no NYC, we still have a shitlord governor and a sizable population yet. Perhaps location is a hang-up. Have you investigated free clinics and the like? Does your area provide assistance and help? Foodstamps?

    Either way, for you to get to where you'd like to be, you may have to take a deep breath and swallow your pride hard. I had to back when I had discovered I was pregnant for the first time. I lost my apartment, my job, I was virtually homeless on the streets of Harrisburg.

    Allow yourself humility. Don't feel shame.

    You are a dazzling, beautiful ray. You deserve all that you feel others deserve. You are life that deserves life. A heart that deserves love, from others and from yourself. You are a mind and a body that deserve the same respect you give this world. So...

    Whatever you do decide to do, let those steps be to the beat of the drum that guides you through each devastating pulse. You're an ENFP, right? ;o Follow your heart.

    I really think it knows!

  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    @Lilyanith : Thank you for that. *bows*

    I think the problem stems in not having received the encouragement I so needed to find confidence in myself. Everyone's got a word of advice, but what about kind words, pats on the back?

    Not to sound sappy, but my father verbally ambushed me with "You're worthless" and "You never do anything right" my entire life. It paved the way for a very shitty self-esteem for the rest of my life. But this can change, I know it, and you are right... it's more mental than anything else.

    But what to do when you feel so PARALYZED that making any sort of decision feels like life or death? I can hardly pick food off of a menu!

    Beyond just "doing the right thing" (which is so elusive as it is... because what's right changes moment to moment), I just want to know that I matter, and that I have a purpose in this world (beyond being a meatbag for men to stick their dicks into). Honestly, and I know this is VERY selfish of me to say because I have had an extraordinary amount of love in my life (even despite the shit)... but I often feel I'm pursued by the opposite sex in a simple-minded, animal-like fashion. Being "gawgeous," as the boys put it, has sometimes been more of a deflater of my self-esteem than a supplement to it.

    I want my brains, my passion, and all the heart-wrenching soul-work that I put into this world to INSPIRE people.

    And when I grew up and learned that (guess what?) our feelings don't matter to the world at large (we're just factory workers powering a very powerful production unit), my system crashed and I substituted my beliefs for "Okay, so no one gives a fuck what I think, I get it... I need to find strength in myself, riiiiight," I tried to do the whole "single independent woman" thing. And here's what I learned? The other extreme doesn't work either. There's a solid interdependence that binds the world.

    And so I feel I'm trying to find this middle ground, whereas the people around me aren't centered themselves. Really, who of us is truly an example of enlightened (self-)compassion? Hardly many of us, though some of us can fake it.

    At the very least, Lilyanith, I'm glad to have put down my armor a bit and stopped fighting for a moment. This opened one tiny smidgen of space with which to breathe...

    However, I find the cruel and self-interested mecca that this civilization stands on to be a toxic contagion.

    We find brief intervals of peace followed by ages of internal and external warfare... At least this is how it feels like, and maybe it's just my perception. I find others can relate to this deep centralized wound in humanity. Perhaps we can find unity in our shared suffering, and flourish?

    I think the time has come for us to stop lying to ourselves...

    AAAAND I'VE SERIOUSLY DEVIATED FROM THE TOPIC.
    Lilyanith thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    @KaliFlower I can't help but feel as though the idealism is as much of an escape as anything else!

    There is so horribly much wrong with this world. You live in corporate America. It's enough to make you want to give up right now! And so, in order to fight this system, you must become a part of it. Enough of a part to effectively have a voice. That voice of yours is your greatest asset in this.

    Not the vocal chords. I mean that inner voice, your expression!

    I, too, grew up mangled and destroyed. I don't openly discuss it though, because I am aware that is has only served to strengthen my resolve. You don't develop PTSD over nothing. ;O

    Nothing has been easy for me, and so I am hoping that you can trust it when I say I'm in a very similar boat to you. This is very much a crisis.

    And all we CAN do is grin and bear it and find ground long enough to stand on so that we can gather our breath and scream.

  6. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Lilyanith View Post
    @KaliFlower I can't help but feel as though the idealism is as much of an escape as anything else!

    There is so horribly much wrong with this world. You live in corporate America. It's enough to make you want to give up right now! And so, in order to fight this system, you must become a part of it. Enough of a part to effectively have a voice. That voice of yours is your greatest asset in this.

    Not the vocal chords. I mean that inner voice, your expression!

    I, too, grew up mangled and destroyed. I don't openly discuss it though, because I am aware that is has only served to strengthen my resolve. You don't develop PTSD over nothing. ;O

    Nothing has been easy for me, and so I am hoping that you can trust it when I say I'm in a very similar boat to you. This is very much a crisis.

    And all we CAN do is grin and bear it and find ground long enough to stand on so that we can gather our breath and scream.
    Thank you, once again. I'm so glad that I can find others like me, so that I don't have to feel so scared and alone all the time. ♥

    There's so much separation and anxiety in the world, I can't imagine how people can go around with their suits and briefcases and keep on living, and breathing in the poisoned air, and eating the poisoned food, and completely ignore the madness brewing just underneath the surface. It's madness!

    Some people advocate that one should lie to get by, but since when has deception been a savior of the world? It is my understanding that truth will eventually surface. The sooner we give up a fruitless struggle to barricade ourselves from self-awareness, the sooner we spare ourselves the looming demise brimming just around the corner.

    THIS WORLD IS SALVAGEABLE!

    And yet I am meant to feel mad for believing this.

    I've come to believe there's not any one person to blame. This is something we've all been a part of, and this is something we can all do something to fix.

    Beyond governmental negligence, seedy corporations, or even conspiracy theories (true or not), there is something very tangible in this world and we need to tap into that to bring ourselves up.

    I'm very preachy about this, I know.

    If I could make a living just by being a voice of consciousness elevation, I might just die satisfied.

    It's not about money for me.

    So tap into the system and find a way to make it work for me? Hmmm, we're on to something... *thinks* But how, but how... *goes into Brain mode*


  7. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    @KaliFlower -

    First off HUGS!!!! It's gonna get better, I promise.

    Second...I'm also in NYC and I totally get where you're coming from. I guess the big difference between us is that I *chose* to come here at age 26.

    So now on to my advice. I went through a really rough period in my life (actually several), and one forced me to move back home with my parents which was awful for my emotional well-being and independence, but sometimes you gotta do things to survive that you don't like.

    Like getting a job. There's gotta be something you can do here that doesn't compromise your values but also keeps you afloat financially. There are so many local businesses/organizations that are not corporate-minded that could give you some financial stability. Also, employment is a great place to meet people and feel less trapped and scared. I can't do clerical stuff either, I need to be around people.

    Take advantage of what NYC can offer, there is so much to do, to see, people to meet. Try joining meetup.com and find likeminded people and do things you enjoy.

    Exercise. Even if it's just going out for a walk. Spring is finally here (I almost fainted when I saw the temperature this morning at 8am was already 62!!). That should help your mindset too. This past winter was a bitch. But getting outside, getting some sunlight (Vitamin D does wonders for depression), getting some exercise. It's all going to help you feel less trapped.

    Also, you might be able to get free or significantly reduced counseling through free clinics and universities in the city. I know that Teacher's College (Columbia) has a teaching clinic that has sliding scale counseling and you might be able to get it for free. Their website is: Dean Hope Center for Educational and Psychological Services @ Teachers College :: WELCOME. \

    I wish I knew the perfect solution, but the truth is you're in this vicious downward spiral and you gotta just snap out of it and then things will start to improve from all angles.
    anna.molly thanked this post.

  8. #7
    INFP

    the whole work-pay-taxes-consume-accumulate-distract-and-then-die thing that so many seem to be doing in zombifying fashion, I do not think I will be happy
    amen

    AND I'M SO TERRIFIED THAT I'LL BE JUDGED FOR NOT BEING STRONG
    I've been like that too, but not anymore. I accepted that I make mistakes, and that people will notice them. It used to be very difficult for me to handle making mistakes, or to be seen weak in a way. Asking for help, I used to never dare.

    I also am intelligent, and talented in a way, but that isn't enough. Most people are intelligent and talented, but the world is not always fair. It's still okay to be weak, and vulnerable. Everyone is in a way. It makes us human, to make mistakes and so. The (still quite recent) day I can handle with making mistakes and be open about being vulnerable, things went better for me. It's a whole new way of thinking and analysing that I do now, which was much welcome.
    And I still am proud of myself in many ways.

    I think a big reason why I couldn't be like that earlier on, well, society, people, school, even family, just everyone, puts the pressure on being better, perfect... but it's wrong, it's a flaw, to think like that. It can't be done!

    And I think the strongest people can be honest, also about being vulnerable and weak(everyone is!!). The ones who can't, I... I see that as a kind of weakness. I find it a weakness of mine when I can't open up.

    Also remember that literally everyone can learn from anyone! We all have strengths and weaknesses.


    Anywho, I live in Europe, so I can't help you with NYC related stuff.

    I hope things get better, and others here can help you. Much love *hugs*

    Most people call me a strong person, yet I need(ed) help, got it, and am doing/feeling much better, better than ever before. I like to help people, and thankfully vice versa too.

    You are a strong person, but you need help (from others).
    KaliFlower thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    Have you considered becoming a yoga teacher or working for a nonprofit? Or massage therapist perhaps?

    A place other than NYC sounds good. You could grow your own produce and rely less on heavily-priced organic food. You wouldn't be in the thick of the financial capital city of the financial capital country, which if you're an anti-capitalist must be rather depressing. Plus a change in pace of any kind can be energizing, a pleasant jolt to the system.

    There are some lovely parks in the NYC area. I hope you spend time in them. Surrounding myself with natural beauty always helps when a misanthropic mood strikes.

    I know I'm offering advice rather than reassurance... but I'm not quite sure what I'd say, other than that, yep, I know from experience that being an idealist can be very hard. That pressure and anxiety is always there, but if you're in the right setting, positive aspects of life come to the fore.

    If you don't already have an all-female group you spend time with, engaged in some constructive activity (cooking, dancing, drawing, etc.), I'd recommend it, particularly after reading this: "I just want to know that I matter, and that I have a purpose in this world (beyond being a meatbag for men to stick their dicks into)." I remember seeing a sexual assault support group in my area that was art therapy focused. I could see something like that being great.
    KaliFlower thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Big cities are terrible places to live in imo. It is part of the problem, because it is so expensive to live there. And it is pretty shallow.

    NF aren't satisfied with the "typical" life, so I know where you're coming from. I don't see how everyone else is satisfied, or placated at least, by their current lives. Life kind of just sucks in general, and the people who realize this, can fall out of it. Lose the small place they had in it.

    People are defined by what they do, and what do you do?

    I've always identified with the concept of the "superfluous man".

    It refers to an individual, perhaps talented and capable, who does not fit into social norms

    Typical characteristics are disregard for social values, cynicism, and existential boredom

    lacking other options for self-realization, doomed themselves to live out their life in passivity. Scholar David Patterson describes the superfluous man as "not just...another literary type but...a paradigm of a person who has lost a point, a place, a presence in life" before concluding that "the superfluous man is a homeless man"

    He is usually an aristocrat, intelligent, well-educated, and informed by idealism and goodwill but incapable, for reasons as complex as Hamlet’s, of engaging in effective action. Although he is aware of the stupidity and injustice surrounding him, he remains a bystander.
    KaliFlower thanked this post.

  11. #10
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by SublimeSerendipity View Post
    @KaliFlower -

    First off HUGS!!!! It's gonna get better, I promise.

    Second...I'm also in NYC and I totally get where you're coming from. I guess the big difference between us is that I *chose* to come here at age 26.

    So now on to my advice. I went through a really rough period in my life (actually several), and one forced me to move back home with my parents which was awful for my emotional well-being and independence, but sometimes you gotta do things to survive that you don't like.

    Like getting a job. There's gotta be something you can do here that doesn't compromise your values but also keeps you afloat financially. There are so many local businesses/organizations that are not corporate-minded that could give you some financial stability. Also, employment is a great place to meet people and feel less trapped and scared. I can't do clerical stuff either, I need to be around people.

    Take advantage of what NYC can offer, there is so much to do, to see, people to meet. Try joining meetup.com and find likeminded people and do things you enjoy.

    Exercise. Even if it's just going out for a walk. Spring is finally here (I almost fainted when I saw the temperature this morning at 8am was already 62!!). That should help your mindset too. This past winter was a bitch. But getting outside, getting some sunlight (Vitamin D does wonders for depression), getting some exercise. It's all going to help you feel less trapped.

    Also, you might be able to get free or significantly reduced counseling through free clinics and universities in the city. I know that Teacher's College (Columbia) has a teaching clinic that has sliding scale counseling and you might be able to get it for free. Their website is: Dean Hope Center for Educational and Psychological Services @ Teachers College :: WELCOME. \

    I wish I knew the perfect solution, but the truth is you're in this vicious downward spiral and you gotta just snap out of it and then things will start to improve from all angles.
    Oh I exercise plenty. Gym and yoga virtually every day. It's been the one thing to keep me from killing myself all winter. I had no job, and this winter was particularly rough weather-wise, so I found comfort in staying physically active. At the very least I've got a sick bod out of it.

    Okay, I finally started applying myself somewhere. I really just can't see myself applying to your run-of-the-mill jobs. I like the nightlife, I'm not an office/cubicle type... so I'm thinking bartending or something.

    I'm still going to try stripping because... why not? If I don't like it, I'll quit.

    I do have gigs, like hostessing private parties and go-go dancing that I do. It helps, and I enjoy it. I need to be interacting with people, which is why I loved my last job (FEMA). Even despite it being a very convoluted government job, I met my then boyfriend there, and all I did was interact with various people all day. It was awesome!

    But I don't want to work for the government. They pay you lots of money to lie, basically (at least this is what we had to do).

    But if I don't even want to remain in NYC, it seems kind of unnecessary to further settle myself here, don't you think? It might just end up stagnating me further if I get a job here, no matter no good of a job it is.

    I'm applying to monasteries in the Catskills. So far I only found one that's willing to take people in for free, but they require a year commitment. Blue Cliff Monastery is the name, and I applied in November, but got distracted and never followed up. Since then their name kept popping up into my head. There must be a reason for that. All the other monasteries don't seem to resonate with me, plus they charge (which is ludicrous and against the entire doctrine of Buddhism... you're there to practice, and work for the monastery as well).

    It's just the whole money system that's been making me feel so nauseated and wanting to never apply myself anywhere. I don't want to be a part of this rat race. Period.

    AND THANKS, I WILL LOOK INTO THE LINK! ♥♥♥ :)


     
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