I'm seriously stuck, guys.
It began at the age of 25 (two years ago) when I finally began achieving a state of independence in the bustling and very expensive City of New York. I find that living here is a constant kick in the teeth. It wasn't so bad when I was with mommy and daddy, but now it's like I'm on some real world jungle type survival shit.
I'm not working. What happened was that I couldn't do the clerical/office stuff anymore. I was lucky because I lost my job because it simply went under water (Sandy), and FEMA swooped me up. I enjoyed a brief period of high salary, which I had managed to life off quite graciously since (plus unemployment wages).
Well that is all about to come to an end. So go get a job, right?
What's stopping me? This overwhelming fear that I am simply not going to survive the rat race, that I have no skills/talents to contribute to society, and that even IF I did the whole work-pay-taxes-consume-accumulate-distract-and-then-die thing that so many seem to be doing in zombifying fashion, I do not think I will be happy.
I've done it. I wasn't happy. My life felt, at best, like a series of misadventures that reads like a very interesting novella; but I'm still seeking deeper meaning in life.
I'm lacking the patience to go through the bureaucratic hurdle. There's got to be a better way!
I'm thinking of chucking it all and going to live in a monastery where I can take my Buddhist practice to new heights. After all, it's a bit hypocritical and counter-productive of me to maintain a good yoga and mediation practice... and then dive straight into reckless self-abandon. It feels like a very surreal roller coaster ride.
I'm really lacking the confidence to pursue any of my aspirations right now. Encouragement in my life was always lacking, and I grew up dreading asking for it.
I've been in the worst depression of my life. I sometimes wonder if I want to live anymore.
I've been waiting two months for Obamacare to sort out my insurance situation so I can FINALLY see a professional. I feel I'm losing it. I don't know how much longer I can wait.
Something about settling for a job that can anchor me until I get my "shit together" just isn't jiving with me.
Instinctually, I just feel I need to leave NYC.
I feel I have wasted my talents and mutated into a rotting mass with no prospects. The horizon I'm chasing just seems to be sinking further and further, and all my dreams are crashing like sandcastles swooped up by the ocean.
Why am I here? For support. Maybe another person who sees/feels things at a similar angle (i.e. ENFPs) might be able to offer some consolation and heart-warming advice.
It seems it should be perfectly rational to just grin and bare it for a moment, but I can't bring myself to be a part of a system that I feel dehumanizes us every single day. I'm stuck in ABSOLUTE TERROR and can't move (reptile brain's in fright-or-flight).
So other ideas I've come up with are organic farming (WWOOFING), and even going into the more sinister regions like stripping (at least that way I might be able to make a lot of money under the table and then quit and go live in Thailand... but that's selling your soul in another way completely). Honestly, not having money scares me. I don't really like money, but society tells me I need it to get my needs met. *facepalm* *cries*
To top it off, I have experienced some sexual trauma recently (rape) that has caused me to virtually completely recede in my sexuality. I'm terrified that I can't trust a soul (man or woman).
The problem is that I have too many ideas about what I want to do/where I want to be, and absolute confusion about which direction to choose. If I don't make a move soon, I worry my entire life is going to crumble.
I refuse to fall back on my family and be infantalized again. I'm too proud to seek help from others. For the most part I worked really hard to act like I've got it together (I don't). I don't have a lot of money, but I refuse to live like I don't: for the most part I buy exclusively organic (which is expensive), and I go for well-crafted and quality items. I can't stand to consume things that I know are unhealthy for me and further uphold ruthless mega corporations. I work tirelessly to make sure the people around me are living healthy and environmentally conscious lives, even going so far as to feed people out of my own pocket (if I see you eating junk food cause you're broke and you'd rather a nice meal... I will fucking buy it for you, no matter how tight my money is). I feed homeless folk on the street. I feel so helpless that I can't do more! I cry often when I reflect on our world's crises. It has deepened my despair, but also dampened it... because it's strengthened my feeling of unity.
I'm just so fucking lost. I haven't been this lost before. It's truly terrifying. And as I watch my bank account dwindle, money fear keeps me up at night.
There appears to be a chasm between my value system and the world's value system, and as I've matured, my value system has become progressively more unyielding toward "real world" demands.
Could it be that the problem is living in NYC? This really is the hub of most everything I detest.
I thought that I could do this on my own, without support. I wanted to prove to myself that I'm independent, both emotionally and physically.
I've also become a little bit resentful when seeing other people's happiness and success, because I once believed that I was talented, intelligent and had something going for me. I can't really see that anymore. AND I'M SO TERRIFIED THAT I'LL BE JUDGED FOR NOT BEING STRONG (even as I'm writing this), but I'm putting down my armor and choosing to be honest for a moment, so please respect this sharing of vulnerability. I would be most grateful.
I've always been a late bloomer and maybe that's what it is.
I don't know. Help?
(I worry this sounds a little whiny, but while I can't talk to a therapist... you guys are about all I got). Thanks. *hugs*
Sometimes I feel terrible for even having to find myself in this state (it's like I'm going in loops). You'd think a 27 year old would have her shit together by now! Truth is, if none of you live in New York, it really is like a jungle out here. Half the 20-somethings I know are successful, and the other half are just as fucked up and in shambles (but managing to get by... barely). Rent's through the roof, everything is changing and expanding so rapidly... I guess the best consolation I have is knowing that despite how our parents have lived, times have changed and it's taking a lot longer for people to get "settled." I'm not the only one experiencing the growing pains of "emerging adulthood" (new sociological term), and that's given me some hope/support. And maybe it's this exact push for security that is the reason why our society is about to crumble. There is no security in a world of impermanence, and as my own life passes before my eyes, I have begun find the remotest consolation is this ephemerality of life. So maybe I am beginning to see the light in a dark situation?
This too shall pass...
This too shall pass...
This post went on a lot longer than I thought it would!
I hope you all have a pleasant evening/day, and shanti shanti shanti om.
LOTS OF LOVE! ♥♥♥