[ENFP] The ESTP man..... ugh

The ESTP man..... ugh

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This is a discussion on The ESTP man..... ugh within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I'm an ENFP female in my late 20's and have been tormented by/head-over-heals in love with an ESTP man since ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    The ESTP man..... ugh

    I'm an ENFP female in my late 20's and have been tormented by/head-over-heals in love with an ESTP man since I was 18! But I really can't figure out where he is coming from anymore and would love any input from other ESTPs....

    I met Mr. ESTP my first day of college. We were attracted to each other like magnets and were inseparable for two years straight. We were both big partiers and had a lot of fun together, didn't fight at all, had AMAZING sex, etc. About two years into the relationship I found out from a mutual friend that he was cheating on me and I broke it off. (He admitted to it when I confronted him.) He immediately began a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with and I didn't talk to him at all for two more years until I graduated from college.

    Then one day out of the blue I run into Mr. ESTP at a local grocery store. He told me that he missed me and wanted to get dinner to hang out/chat, etc. Like I said, he's the love of my life and I was never really over him, so I agreed to meet him.(Plus, I was single at the time.) We had a great time/great conversation, etc. and one thing led to another... ahem. Again, sparks flew and I fell in love with him all over again (and the sex was, once again, great.) We continued seeing each other for about 2 months until he finally fessed up that he was STILL dating the girl he cheated on me with and had actually bought a house with her and was living with her! (Very typical ESTP, right? ) Again, I was really hurt and pissed off and stopped talking to him again.

    Fast forward 5 more years. I get a call from Mr. ESTP right before X-Mas. Same song and dance - he misses me, wants to hang out, etc. He tells me that his live-in girlfriend found out he was cheating on her (with the secretary at his office- will this guy ever learn?) and that she had kicked him out and broke up with him. This time I was much more wary (obviously) and I am now in a serious relationship with someone else. I decided to meet up with him in a neutral spot. He kept making advances, but I shot him down and told him I can't be physical with him now that I'm in a relationship. We still had a good time, and he kept calling me for three months straight wanting to hang out all of the time. I did hang out with him a lot during this time, but he didn't try to make any advances and just kept things friendly. I liked having him as a friend and again, we always have a great time together everytime we hang out.

    Last week we hung out and he just swooped down and kissed me out of the blue. When I asked him why he did it and why he keeps calling me in the first place, Mr. ESTP said, "Well, you're one of my best friends - I've known you for 10 years..." (BEST FRIEND!?!??! Huh?!?!?) Mr. ESTP then proceeded to tell me that if I really loved my boyfriend I wouldn't be there with him right now and that I should break up with him... I was totally dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. (And am secretly afraid he is right....)

    I know I should probably just tell him to Fu*@ off, but I really do love him a lot and it will be really hard for me to do so because I have such strong feelings for him and I will be heartbroken. (Typical procratination from an ENFP...) Getting rid of him forever will feel like a friend dying to me... despite our FWB past, I do really condsider him a good friend too and will miss him deeply.

    Why do you think he calls me? I don't think it's for sex only, as he always has other girlfriends and numerous other female followers to give that piece to him. But if he just wanted a friendship out of me, why would he kiss me? Any intuitive thoughts on where this guy is coming from?

    Sorry this turned into a book. HELP!
    Btmangan, Nessie and Alassea thanked this post.



  2. #2

    The guy cheated not only on you but apparently every other woman he was with. This is going to be tough but I assure you if you continue seeing him he WILL cheat on you gain. You can end up with a kid and alone divorced when one day he decides to get another girl.

    The guy is dangerous. You will see years from now you'll wish u never knew him.

    This is how it works: He loves to conquer and he always wants someone new. Relationships will bore him over time. Atm my guess would be he wants sex and once he finds a new girl he will be done using you and move on until he dumps her too, then he may be back gain because he needs it.

    Why do you think he is that good in bed? This has been going on for a long time for him. You are not the first and last victim.

    I'll ask my friend about this. She knows the type and will write more.


    EDIT: K she said you are being used and i agree. I know ENFPs follow what they feel so even if you walk directly into his trap at least remember what i said here. I hope you don't regret your decision. He most likely knows women like a predator knows his prey by now.

    PS: Forget the idea that you can change him. U can't, it's all an illusion...having him as a friend is dangerous too. Do you think he is your friend when he so disgustingly uses your feelings and tells you such things/acts that way!?

  3. #3
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    I'm going to be blunt:

    1) He cheated on you TWICE(implying that he LIED to you. Who knows what else he's lied about). He doesn't love you, he is simply infatuated with you. Infatuation never lasts.

    2) He tried to ruin your current relationship. I don't know what he is, but he's not your friend.

    3) Don't procrastinate because it's "typical" of an ENFP. Don't rationalize his actions because it's "typical" of an ESTP. From what you're telling us, he never had any intention of being direct with you and telling you the truth. That means he doesn't respect you. IF you really do love him, he's not reciprocating and he never did. Don't subject yourself to that kind of relationship.

    4) Yes, it will feel like a friend is dying. I've been through that before. You have to learn to let go and let that chapter in your life close. Respect him for being an important part of your life, but it's time to move on. Latching on to a fantasy that he'll never give you will only end in you getting shafted.

    5) You're an ENFP. This isn't the end of the world. You'll get someone better.
    Last edited by GoGo; 12-31-2010 at 05:32 PM.
    taptap, The King Of Dreams, Coburn and 9 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Ahhh! Don't be mislead by the ESTP charm! I once had a best friend who was an ESTP, and I never truly thought until I met him, that I could be persuaded into anything without an extremely thorough investigation. Now of course, I'm not talking about any homo shit, I'm talking about how two buds can one day be the ultimate videogaming friends, and then in an instant, it all turns around.

    He was my sister's boyfriend for quite some time, as this was how I met him. And while I was and am extremely protecting of my sister, his sly and charming ways made me question him. However, I am an intellectual person, so as we got to know each other he began trusting me with big secrets, because he knew that I could resist all forms of temptation to tell people. Thus, we became great friends in little time.

    But alas, he cheated on my sister and everything went downhill from there. Their relationship torn; our friendship broken. Here's the hook though: months down the road, he was pulling the same tactics that your ex was with you, with my sister, and it worked multiple times. Constantly my words to my sister were worth nothing, in regards to how he would just cheat on her again. And as you may believe, it did. It wasn't until recently that it was finally over.

    To conclude, ESTP's are really good people as long as they learn not to put their own short term desires ahead of long term relationships. If they don't: they will use their deceptive logic against you for their own benefit. Break free from him entirely, even if that means a rude ending. There are those who sometimes deserve the cold shoulder.

    If you want me to explain it through neuroscience let me know, because I LOVE DOING THAT!
    Coburn, r00bic0n, Sheppard and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I'm an ENFP female in my late 20's and have been tormented by/head-over-heals in love with an ESTP man since I was 18! But I really can't figure out where he is coming from anymore and would love any input from other ESTPs....
    Alow me to anwser that for you:

    About two years into the relationship I found out from a mutual friend that he was cheating on me and I broke it off.
    We continued seeing each other for about 2 months until he finally fessed up that he was STILL dating the girl he cheated on me with and had actually bought a house with her and was living with her!
    He tells me that his live-in girlfriend found out he was cheating on her (with the secretary at his office- will this guy ever learn?) and that she had kicked him out and broke up with him.
    He kept making advances, but I shot him down and told him I can't be physical with him now that I'm in a relationship.
    Last week we hung out and he just swooped down and kissed me out of the blue.
    he always has other girlfriends and numerous other female followers to give that piece to him
    Any intuitive thoughts on where this guy is coming from?
    I feel it is all rather straight foward where he is coming from, and pretty consistant from age 18 to now. He habitually charms and uses women, you being one of a string of such women.

    This has nothing to do with him being an ESTP and more with him being a jerk.

    I dated an ESTP for two years, we are still friends, and he'd have NEVER cheated on me or his current girlfriend.

    You are being played, if he respected you at all he wouldn't have cheated on you in the first place. You are simply an amusing toy with which to entertain himself. He calls you so he can play with you, and mess with your petty head. Do you like being treated that way?

    It is very very simple, if you don't want to get used and abused again cut him out of your life. How can you find a relationship where you are treated with care and respect if you let this guy hang around, sniffing about and undermining you?

    Ever hear that saying about actions speaking louder than words? This is very true of ESTPs, who are very good at spinning things to make them come out more favourably, stop listening, and start looking at the facts of his actions. Friends don't just kiss friends, especially ones they've dated and cheated on several times, infact would you call that a friend?

    While my ESTP wouldn't cheat on me, he did have his own draw backs and it took me a long time to see that a pattern was forming in his actions which didn't fit his story. It was very confusing, and I wanted to see the best in him as I cared for him, in the end I asked myself why? Stop listening to him, and step back, look at the facts from an outsiders perspective.

    This guy is utter pioson, hearts mend, but you wont get back any of the time you waiste on this bastard.

    Cut him out of your life, it will be the better for it in the long run.
    Coburn, r00bic0n, NaughyChimp and 2 others thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I agree with all the other posters' comments. ESTPs seem very adept at getting immediate things (in this case partners) but when you scratch a bit deeper, there is little else.

    I personally would seek out someone with a bit more depth, rather than that surface buzz they're so good at.

    I'm not saying all ESTPs should be written off...but if we're talking the right person for an ENFP then expand your horizons. I hope it works out for you x
    The King Of Dreams thanked this post.

  8. #7

    When you stop responding, and tell yourself "it's okay" to not respond to him, you will feel empowered and will grow. You CAN cut him out of your life. YOU are the one letting him back in. Get your power back. You are no longer a convenience.

    I have to remind myself of this with my ex as well. The above really works. Good luck.
    The King Of Dreams, Coburn, r00bic0n and 3 others thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ENFP

    Quote Originally Posted by LeahENFP View Post
    About two years into the relationship I found out from a mutual friend that he was cheating on me and I broke it of

    We continued seeing each other for about 2 months until he finally fessed up that he was STILL dating the girl he cheated on me with

    Again, I was really hurt and pissed off and stopped talking to him again.

    Mr. ESTP then proceeded to tell me that if I really loved my boyfriend I wouldn't be there with him right now and that I should break up with him

    I know I should probably just tell him to Fu*@ off, but I really do love him a lot and it will be really hard for me to do so because I have such strong feelings for him and I will be heartbroken.

    I do really condsider him a good friend too and will miss him deeply.

    HELP!
    I really struggle with this kind of post. I struggle for various reasons:

    1.) I've never been in love, and I know it so how can I comment?

    2.) Often, as in the second to last line I quoted, people already know the obvious (and correct!) answer.

    3.) I do not understand how anyone can retain feelings for someone who treats them so poorly. That isn't love, that's a cycle of abuse.

    4.) The reality is, my advice could be as wise as the history's smartest sage...But in the end, people in such an emotional state *TEND* to just turn around and keep the old flame and do what's happened before, keep the cycle of love-pain-love-pain going. Logic is irrelevant in this case...Especially with an ENFP with her emotions going rampant.

    I'm not going to offer any advice, because like I said in my second point, Leah knows she knows what she's supposed to do. And of course: "Fuck off never talk to me again, loser" is the best, obvious, and correct choice. But she knows that, we know that, and there's no point saying it again...Except I just did.

    So I'll make a comment instead: I've dated two women in my life only, but in the second she was starting to cozy up to other guys in clubs when I wasn't around (and was dumb enough to admit it). I liked her a lot, not love, but I cut it off. She begged, she pleaded, she cried, she raged, and my heart was tugged. But in the end, I knew the right choice, the obvious choice, was to tell her quote: "Fuck off" and I did. It was a great decision, and saved me mounds of heartache. And I would do it in a heartbeat again.
    taptap, Coburn and r00bic0n thanked this post.

  10. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    run, run away from him as fast as you could. a dildo (or another great guy) can give you the whole package too, minus the booty call
    Alassea thanked this post.

  11. #10

    This guy does not love you. And from what I've seen of your post, cannot love anyone more than he loves his own impulses.

    He's pestering you because he wants to have sex with you and then go off and have sex with whoever else he might want to have sex with and hide it only enough so he can continue having sex with you when he might want to. (Great deal, right?)

    It's not that he is a bad person or that he's weighing his own frivolous desires above your emotional well-being... it's not that he doesn't care for you! It's just that your pain and suffering simply NEVER factors in to his decision making process.

    I have an unhealthy (Unhealthy like ur guy sounds) ESTP room-mate... while I am not a ESTP expert or anything... I can just tell you that my roomie is great at pretending he cares what other people feel, only because pretending helps him get what he wants.

    If you want to date him, prepare yourself for a guy who basically will use you for sex and fulfillment on his terms, and when it comes to HIS actions, he will just ignore your needs altogether. To me, it is a pretty cut-and-dry choice, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. I'm just going to tell you that this guy won't love you.

    He'll just love fucking you.
    mrkedi, taptap, Coburn and 5 others thanked this post.


     
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