[ENFP] Relationship Insecurities

Relationship Insecurities

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This is a discussion on Relationship Insecurities within the ENFP Forum - The Inspirers forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Do romantic relationships bring out anyone else's insecurities? If I really like someone, no matter how affectionate or validating he ...

  1. #1
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Relationship Insecurities

    Do romantic relationships bring out anyone else's insecurities? If I really like someone, no matter how affectionate or validating he is, I often feel very much Not Good Enough for him. The more I like him, the more I tend to feel this way. Kinda sucks. Any thoughts?
    tokyovogue, cinnabun, StaceofBass and 2 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Depends on the person for me, whether or not I feel as though we're at similar levels (as in if he is say... a doctor, and I am not, and his colleagues and dating prospects are at his status). I know I am not about reputation, but have been in a relationship where in the s.o.'s family, a person's status, financial backing, all the superficial stuff did not match me, and even though I could have had a nice sound board and monetary comforts, I chose the opposite path, because yes, it did make me feel insecure, inferior, not good enough.

    I've also dated someone who didn't have much, but his I.Q. level I swear was wwaaay up there. He could win any conversation with anyone, and I admired his quick whited, charming, and analytical abilities, but even his intelligence was a bit of an intimidation.

    Basically, I feel more comfortable with someone along a similar wavelength (intellectual/psychological/physical/emotional/spiritual) connection. Values, too. If one is not quite in alignment with the other, I start feeling out of place in the relationship, and it has nothing to do with that person, and more so has to do with how I view myself.

  3. #3
    ENFP

    Personally, I don't get where I need validation or get clingy. Problem is, the girls I'm with DO and that's the problem. I think I'm just being an ENFP in that way. Sure, I care about people especially my girl but eventually, yeah, we ENFPs tend to kinda get...Not bored...Maybe "Less enthusiastic"? And I'd rather spend time with new friends or acquaintances. Hey, I do try to make the time! And I do appreciate my partner! But if I could get a nickle for each time a girl has told me "Are you getting bored of me?" I'd have enough nickles to buy Personalitycafe.

    A shout out to the other personalities out there: I'm not TRYING to be so freakin' flaky! It's just tough when new friends and possibilities come. You guys are still deep in my heart but need to accept that ENFPs get pre-occupied with new social contacts sometimes...Errr...often.
    nottie, brightlywound, spifffo and 1 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Moby View Post
    Personally, I don't get where I need validation or get clingy. Problem is, the girls I'm with DO and that's the problem. I think I'm just being an ENFP in that way. Sure, I care about people especially my girl but eventually, yeah, we ENFPs tend to kinda get...Not bored...Maybe "Less enthusiastic"? And I'd rather spend time with new friends or acquaintances. Hey, I do try to make the time! And I do appreciate my partner! But if I could get a nickle for each time a girl has told me "Are you getting bored of me?" I'd have enough nickles to buy Personalitycafe.

    A shout out to the other personalities out there: I'm not TRYING to be so freakin' flaky! It's just tough when new friends and possibilities come. You guys are still deep in my heart but need to accept that ENFPs get pre-occupied with new social contacts sometimes...Errr...often.
    Damn, you sound just like me with the guys I've dated XD I always do try and put in the effort, but after a while of seeing them I want a break and to go and see my friends and do my own thing more. I struggle to keep focused on anything, so relationships are the same XD

  6. #5
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    Quote Originally Posted by spifffo View Post
    Do romantic relationships bring out anyone else's insecurities? If I really like someone, no matter how affectionate or validating he is, I often feel very much Not Good Enough for him. The more I like him, the more I tend to feel this way. Kinda sucks. Any thoughts?
    Odd, I have an exactly opposite problem where I kill a relationship when I start getting insecure. I just get the impression most women aren't good enough and the thought of settling is horrible to me.

    Damn being an enfp sometimes!
    n2freedom and NaughyChimp thanked this post.

  7. #6
    Unknown Personality

    Thanks for posting this. I appreciate it when threads like this are created because it helps me to understand myself better and it lets me know that I am not a lone wolf.

    Yes, romantic relationship brings out insecurities for me and fears. I relate to what you posted except the contrasting feeling is not a feeling of "not good enough". It is more I believe I'm going to fuck it somehow. I can be very intense. And, if I want to discuss something, I must admit that I struggle with patience. And, I have drove many a man crazy because of my inability to give them the downtime needed for them to process their own thoughts and feelings.

    I can be really intense and not everyone can handle it. So, yes insecurities surface for me all the damn time because I know the deeper my feelings become the more intense I become and the more impulsive I become. And, I guess because I can be so ambivalent about commitment and tend to leave relationships, I project that my romantic interests are doing the same and I find myself holding my breath waiting for the shoe to drop.

    All, I know is this....for me ....matters of the heart are VERY TRICKY!!! I am fairly logical and rational and in control of my emotions...UNTIL....I fall in love with someone and then I shit bricks and am scared out of my mind. Go figure! When you figure it all, please let me know.......

    And, hell yes it sucks!!!
    brightlywound, spifffo, tokyovogue and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    There are two categories of insecurities that being in the process attaining a romantic relationship or being in one.

    One: is insecurities that I have in myself being in the relationship with other person.

    Two: Insecurities regarding the other person, the further we know eachother.

    The first one happens when I reveal alot about myself to someone. For an infj atleast, It's a big thing to let down your guard and reveal the true you to someone. That person begins to see a glimpse of the true you, without all the masks of egotism and toughness or all-togetherness we seem (as people) to wear around other people in everyday life. So, there's the fear she won't totally accept the true me and knowing that a person actually is seeing the person behind the stone wall I put up is alitttle bit frightening. It's a big thing to put ones guard down, Showing and being emoutionally vulnerable. Your putting a lot of trust towards the other persons corner for acceptance and for equal emoutional openness.

    The second one happens when I start having second thoughts whether I should be dating this person or not. NF's have a tendancy to romanticize love to much. Thinking everything will be a peachy and everything and get caught up in the short-term feelings and thinking this is what we'll always feel, for the remainder of the relationship or they'll always be attractive to me in this way. But when we start to loose that initial flame for the other person, I have a tendancy to start looking toward other prospects . Other people start coming into the picture and I begin to develop little crushes here and there because of little things about each of the women that I admire that I hold in high regard. But Once your in a relationship, thats it, it's either them or you hit the road. Theirs none of this "well, I can always check this person out next" or "click on an other dating profile to check this person out", like you would in the beginning stages of persueing a relationship. Usually, other women or guy won't take to kindly to another person "looking elsewhere" at other potential prospects; Which, we as nf's tend to do that a lot. It's the striving for the perfect relationship(life of security) and perfect mate that can lead to incredible amount of insecurities for me.

    The biggest thing is: Can I really trust my ability or my inituition in determining who is right for me. I find that I can begin to become so uncertain of the certain. It drives my mind crazy.
    Last edited by SilentKnight44750; 09-07-2011 at 08:35 AM.
    nottie, spifffo, angularvelocity and 2 others thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by SilentKnight44750 View Post
    The biggest thing is: Can I really trust my ability or my inituition in determining who is right for me. I find that I can begin to become so uncertain of the certain. It drives my mind crazy.
    +1............
    angularvelocity and brightlywound thanked this post.

  10. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers


    It depends on the relationship, but I certainly understand the OP. Right now, in my current relationship it's a strange mix of insecurities and being completely comfortable, lol. Doesn't make a lot of sense. But he's going to law school, and comes from a pretty cool family and I come from a beyond broken family, was homeless for awhile, and I'm a single mom who isn't currently in school.

    I often worry, will his family hate me? Will he get looked down upon because he's successful and I'm a poor single mom? It shouldn't matter to me what his family thinks and it's really dumb to worry about that six months into a relationship, but I know they have very high expectations for him and it makes me feel like I am a failure. In a way, seeing how far he has gone in his life being two years younger than I am makes me strive to move and better my life situation, and in another way it makes me so so insecure.

    I am just glad that he loves me for me, he knows all of my secrets, my past, he knows everything about me and loves me regardless. That's really rare, and I feel very lucky.

  11. #10
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    Quote Originally Posted by SilentKnight44750 View Post
    The biggest thing is: Can I really trust my ability or my inituition in determining who is right for me. I find that I can begin to become so uncertain of the certain. It drives my mind crazy.
    I'm totally with you on what you said about being skeptical of your own ability to identify who is "good" for you as a romantic partner. I know I should not try to search for a specific type, but after dating someone with all the opposite letters of me and seeing how spectacularly we failed to communicate over the course of a whole year of getting to know one another, I don't trust myself and am unsure about this duality romantic match concept. I know that someone with a S or a T would be good for me as a complementary match, but not getting emotional fulfillment can feel really shitty. Should we as ENFPs just try to get over the feeling that a Sensor or a Thinker wouldn't be able to love us in the same way we love them, since our flowery super deep romanticized vision of love ultimately does not do much to better our realities and a Thinker would have a grounding effect, helping up to reach our full potential? Or can you not live life feeling like you are emotionally unfulfilled without becoming crazy and depressed? Does anyone else worry about this stuff? *sigh* It just sucks to emotionally invest in someone who feels like a wall or a sponge... a sucker-upper of all your affection who revels in the attention and seems to send out mixed messages. It's hard not to be risk averse now after feeling so drained by someone.

    Sorry for threadjacking. I felt super insecure in my last relationship and those feelings have seemed to carry over whenever I encounter an ST or NTJ and cannot read him.

    It's a different type of insecurity from what you described, @spifffo . It an insecurity about showing too much of my feelings without knowing whether the other person feels the same way and is capable of needing me as much as I would eventually need him, if that makes any sense.
    Last edited by brightlywound; 09-08-2011 at 10:12 PM.


     
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