I'm going to be as honest as I can because my lifestyle has gotten to the point where it's self destructing and I've literally had enough.
It all partially began when I was 14 and was introduced to a group of people who were up to no good. I partook in all the bullshit they'd get up to and before we knew it we were all best friends, 18 years old and things were starting to get a lot more serious.
We all dibble dabbled starting in our early ages in activities which would make us some good money especially at that age, but because we were all egotistical maniacs the outcome for some of us has lead to pretty bad circumstances.
Over the years about 4 out of the 10 of us went extremely down hill from becoming too addicted to the lifestyle. This left the better of us still remaining strong, starting businesses and just having fun, while keeping ourselves in check and overall being decent human beings.
It was the beginning of last year that I bumped into an old acquaintance who is a decent guy, and so we became pretty close and started to hang out regularly. I ended up taking break from working and was going out close to 3 times a week and we would drink probably 4 times our limit because we'd always have something to bump up our nose and sober us right back up.
Don't get me wrong, I had some of the best times of my life, but after 10 months of this bullshit I was feeling so unbalanced, my morals and self esteem were fading and I had all these desires to spend all this money on superficial crap that never interested me before.
For about 2 months I spent most of my time at home just trying to reconnect to myself again, but realized I had many bad habits that were almost too overwhelming for me. I was hardly sober, even at home. Regardless of how expensive all this was I'd be bumping coke regularly and be taking Xanax to take the extreme anxiety away that began to form overtime. I was a complete mess.
I didn't know what else to do so I booked a ticket to Korea and paid for a 1 month martial arts temple stay program. By day 2 of this program I was sneaking out of the temple grounds to go eat Korean bbq and drink till my heart was content. By the end of the 2nd week I had half the temple coming (most likely because I was shouting) and it clicked that I came here to do exactly the opposite of this, let alone I was a bad influence on others too.
During the 3rd week a beautiful 35 year old lady came to stay for 1 night and it seemed she was looking for some personal enlightenment because she wasn't too happy with her life. Mind you, she was driving a 200k Merc and had a very high paying job, which points the obvious out that money isn't the answer to happiness.
Throughout all the activities we attended during the day I couldn't keep away from her because she was the most beautiful girl I'd seen in 3 weeks and so I suggested I sneak her out to the restaurant later and go for a drink. She did a pretty good job keeping up with my drinking, as she went from intelligently beautiful business woman to a violent drunk whom I had to piggy back to her room on the "girls only" side of the temple. What happened next was the reason why I realized i wasn't worthy enough to remain there until I at least had some more morals and respect for their rules. I slept with that lady in that Buddhist temple. The same temple where the sacred monks were living. I left the next morning disappointed in myself, and received a call from that same lady about wanting to catch up back in Seoul. She sounded happy so I guess she found her self enlightenment at least.
I spent 2 months in Korea before I started getting bored and spent 3 months visiting many different countries around Asia. My vision was to have a simple back pack, stay at hostels and live like a true back packer keeping it simple and beautiful. I tried for a few days and then it was all hotels, dining and cocktails every day and it just felt so life draining.
I decided to go to Vancouver, Canada, before I'd find some serenity in the Rocky Mountains and literally couldn't get out of my hotel room because I was so run down. My body just wasn't coping with all this abuse and as soon as I got a burst of energy I hit up Jasper and finally Banff, in the Canadian Rockies.
Now, keep in mind that you can definitely find serenity within the beautiful nature of the Rockies l, but the country towns are complete chaos. I partied around 5 days a week for 2 months and then bought a one way flight back home. Everyone that asked me about my travels I'd just say that it was fun, but if they kept asking for more details the truth would eventually come out. Chaos.
Now that I've been back at home for 2 months I've done sweet F all and am on medication to help with anxiety and slight depression. But that's not what i care about. What I care about is when the hell did i jump off the rails and this obvious rut I'm in, why can't I seem to snap out of it?
I was 21 when I was running two businesses, making sure to keep fit & healthy, be meditating and partying didn't seem to affect all that too much. Now it's like "wow", when I pull my head out of my ass would I have learned anything from all this or will it have been just one big regret of an emotional roller coaster ride.
Another thing is that very early I grew to understand a lot about the world, and life, and couldn't comprehend all the power, greed and corruption that possesses the government into further deceiving humanity. I felt that majority of humans were weak and ignorant and so I did things my own way.
The reason why I'm mentioning all these child hood dwellings is because it all came back with intensity when my life started spiralling downwards as if it's maybe part of the problem. But maybe the problem was that I was being hypocritical to what I believed in. Who knows.
Anyways, I'm in need of guidance, or a glass of scotch.
Any advice anyone? :)