Hey! This is my first post on here so I'm a little unsure if this is how this site works, but I'd really like to hear opinions
from you guys on what my enneagram type may be. I'm a female INFJ, and a recent test I took told me that my Enneagram type is 4w5, however, after looking into it a little more I have a feeling that I may be closer to the 3 side, in terms of a wing. I wrote the following diary entry this morning, so I wanted to show that (my most raw, unedited, hopelessly self-absorbed self) in the hopes that by being honest I can actually get to the bottom of this. Here's the entry:
"I feel so conflicted and anxious right now, and itís because of this whole identity thing. I feel like everything about me is so contradictory that I canít tell if Iím a 4 or a 3 or a 4w5 or what. There seems to be so much to take from each set.
Obviously Iím very, very, VERY 4-leaning.
- I am very motivated by the idea of creating an identity, of being different. In my wildest beliefs about myself, I tend to feel that I have a special purpose, that will in some way benefit both myself and the world at large in a spiritual way.
- I feel in some ways inherently superior AND inferior to others. (My inherent low self esteem combined with my desire to be special sometimes means I tend to look at myself as I WISH I were rather than how I am; I glean some kind of false/fragile yet desperate Ďself esteemí from those grandiose beliefs about myself and pass that off as my Ďsuperiorityí; basically, itís not real, deep self-esteem, itís just likeÖ a weird off-shoot of my actual terrible self esteem plus the desperation to be special.)
- I look for someone to rescue me, to understand me. I'm preoccupied by the idea of "soul mates" and romance.
- In my truest, most authentic self, I donít actually care about money and luxury items and prestige and stuff, but I am very very motivated by beauty and aesthetic. I'm a very visual person, and also very perfectionist, often to my own detriment.
- I do value authenticity and saving the world and deep, real meaning and God and having a PURPOSE for living beyond just culture and material things.
But I feel like I am also basically the opposite of that at the same time:
- I do want to create an identity, but not primarily for MY own understanding of myself: so that OTHER people will see me and approve of me. (But maybe that ties right back in to the fact that THEIR perception of me helps to validate MY idea of my own identity, therefore actually making it entirely about me?)
What Iíve kinda come to feel is that I have two motivating forces, that correspond DIRECTLY to my inner world and my outer world. My inner world (4 side?) is a LOT more soul/authenticity/God focused (although still highly motivated by my own personal aesthetic preferences and ideas of beauty).
My other force (3-ish side?) is the thing that comes out when Iím around other people: I basically instantly switch from being my actual authentic self to socially accommodating, maybe a little phoney, and in particular, I become OBSESSED with my looks and whether or not people find me valid, beautiful, interesting, different, special. I become more interested in things like using my age, my university degree, my job, the way I look in order to be considered ďvalidĒ, whereas my more ď4 sideĒ couldnít care less about those things and is more concerned with how God sees me than how people see me. I guess that when it comes down to it, I look for real/lasting validation from God and doing things that I think are actually meaningful on a spiritual level, but when Iím unhealthy I tend to look for it from other people based on things that I place some value on in the material plane of existence: beauty, intelligence, etc.
I feel like the first force (the ďMEĒ which is motivated by God/my soul) corresponds more to 4, whereas the second force (the ďMEĒ for 'Them'/my corporeal self?) corresponds maybe more towards 3 or possibly 4w3.
But maybe Iím just confusing this. I had a feeling right now that maybe my desire to present a certain way that is more universally appealing and focused on perceived Ďachievementsí (looks, uni degree, job; i.e, 3-ish traits) actually stems from an underlying desire to be validated, so that I can then re-affirm within myself that I am different and special (4). Iím definitely feeling that Iím leaning more towards a 4w3 than a 4w5."
So, there it is, in all it's narcissistic, neurotic glory lol. I feel scared to post this because as a 4 I do realise how vapid and inconsequential these thoughts I'm having are, but at the same time I feel a deep need to understand WHY I feel this way and possibly how to fix it. That being said though, at least during my corporeal life, I do find validation and a reason to kind of "go on" with the world/life (which I find largely pointless) by deriving pleasure from those earthly pleasures and ego-driven feelings of validation and purpose.
I would really really appreciate any opinions anyone has.
Thank you so much for your time :)