Enneagram Childhood Wounds

Enneagram Childhood Wounds

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This is a discussion on Enneagram Childhood Wounds within the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; Taken from the EnneaApp by Lori Ohlson. I'm unsure if this has been posted on PerC before, but I wanted ...

  1. #1
    Type 9w8

    Enneagram Childhood Wounds

    Taken from the EnneaApp by Lori Ohlson. I'm unsure if this has been posted on PerC before, but I wanted to share in case it isn't.

    Type 1
    These children felt heavily criticized, punished, or not good enough. Household rules may have felt inconsistent. As such, they became obsessed with being good/not making mistakes to avoid condemnation. The principle message was: "You must always be better than you are."

    Type 2
    These children felt loved only if they were helping or pleasing others, their personal needs felt selfish. As a result they closed off their own needs and feelings and tuned into those of others. Love became defined as giving to others - though the love often didn't feel received or reciprocated.

    Type 3
    To the heart - These children felt rewarded only for what they did and how well they did it. Their feelings were discounted and ignored, only their performance and what was expected of them mattered. This harmed their ability to love themselves and others. Admiration replaced real love.

    Type 4
    These children felt abandoned by one or both caretakers. They felt alone, cut off from the source of love for reasons they couldn't understand. They were not "seen" or mirrored, and felt different from their parents. As a result, they turned inward to their feelings and imagination to cope in isolation.

    Type 5
    These children received no meaningful interaction, emotion, or affection from caretakers. OR, the child had intrusive, over-controlling parent(s) and felt exposed and defenseless in the face of this intrusion. As a result, they built walls around themselves and retreated to the mental realm.

    Type 6
    To the trusting nature. These children were raised in an unpredictable situation with no safe place to go. They lost faith they would ever be protected. As such, they turned to their own inner defense of doubting - disbelieving reality and rejecting their own instincts/inner guidance.

    Type 7
    These children were deprived of nurturing, or it was too-soon removed. They handled this lack by searching for distractions to minimize/repress the fear and pain. They decided to focus on positive options and rely on themselves to fulfill their desired and gain a sense of nurturance.

    Type 8
    These children often grew up in an unsafe environment (emotionally and/or physically) and had to mature way too soon. They didn't feel safe to show any vulnerability, and may have felt controlled. Weakness was used against them, so they focused only on building their strength.

    Type 9
    To the gut, the core of being. These children were overlooked or neglected and felt unimportant or "lost." They were ignored/attacked for having needs or expressing themselves (especially anger) and decided to keep a low profile and instead focus on the needs/experience of others.
    Last edited by mrhcmll; 01-11-2018 at 10:42 AM. Reason: Formatting
    my melody, Rose for a Heart, Skeletalz and 5 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 6w7

    Quote Originally Posted by mrhcmll View Post
    Type 6
    To the trusting nature. These children were raised in an unpredictable situation with no safe place to go. They lost faith they would ever be protected. As such, they turned to their own inner defense of doubting - disbelieving reality and rejecting their own instincts/inner guidance.
    Not true remotely for me, honestly. More of the opposite... parents that wanted to hold my hand through everything.

    Seems odd that all of them seem to deal with some sort of environment of neglect. There's more ways to screw up a kid than that.

  3. #3

    Here is another interesting theory, with some confusing statements that contradict the previous theory (e.g. type 7!)... would be interesting to know which one applies more to you

    Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes based on three basic orientations
    source

    Here are the associated traits for each basic orientation:

    Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.

    Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.

    Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.

    Apparently, each child comes into the world with one of these predefined attitudes toward their environment and each parent will address their children with a certain parenting style, which can be, but isn't necessarily determined by their Enneagram type.

    Any Enneagram type can use any of the three orientations to attend to their children. For example - an Enneatype 5 can be a Responsive parent, an Enneatype 8 might use a Neutral approach with their offspring, while an Enneatype 1 may lean towards an Active style. What determines the environmental component of a child's future type is not necessarily the main caretaker's type, but rather their particular approach to relating to the child.

    Nine Interaction Scenarios: Child vs. Parent

    Here are the 9 childhood scenarios that correspond to each of the 9 Enneagram types.

     
    Active child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

    The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

    Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

    Active child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

    The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

    This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

    Active child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

    In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

    This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

    Responsive child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

    This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

    With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

    Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

    This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

    These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

    Responsive child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 2

    In this case, the Responsive child will act in a pleasing, appealing matter but will most likely encounter an indifferent attitude on the part of the Neutral parent. Confronted with this apathy and lack of interest, the child can only resort to becoming even more pleasing and irresistible to the parent, until he manages to break through the shell of indifference and obtain the desired rapport. Such types will be helpful, empathetic, lovable and attractive and will have a knack for getting on the same wavelength with their parents - they know when and how to approach them in order to obtain their attention.

    Growing up, the Responsive children will learn to intuitively sense and assess other people's moods and will know exactly how to fulfill their needs in order to be appreciated and loved by them. They have a wide repertoire of seductive behaviors and know exactly which approach to use in order to successfully engage others into a close relationship.

    Neutral child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

    The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

    Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

    Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

    In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

    Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

    Neutral child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 3

    This Neutral child's solitude is encouraged by his parent's own withdrawal and indifference, which doesn’t necessarily make the Neutral child feel openly rejected, but rather intrigues and challenges him. Serious, focused and rather unemotional, this youngster will most likely try to fulfill his occasional need for attention by impressing his parents with outstanding accomplishments and high aspirations, which make him feel worthy and valuable in their eyes.

    Later in life, these children become motivated achievers who put great emphasis on results, performance, efficiency and a successful image that will make others appreciate and admire them. Deep inside they dislike being ignored because it makes them doubt their own value, therefore they tend to hide their weaknesses and flaws and project a desirable, attractive, "I-have-it-all" persona.
    my melody, Quernus, Stellafera and 3 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Type 4w5

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellafera View Post
    Not true remotely for me, honestly. More of the opposite... parents that wanted to hold my hand through everything.

    Seems odd that all of them seem to deal with some sort of environment of neglect. There's more ways to screw up a kid than that.
    There are! Of course, I think that these things can be interpreted in different ways. I've known type Sixes to have grown up more in the type of environment you describe, but also, with parents constantly overreacting to things and making the kids feel like there was always something to be on the lookout for. Making them over-reliant, so that no matter how much hand-holding they got, it was never safe at all, never mind trying to find safety in independence.

    Or, parents focused on practical needs/hazards but not at all emotional needs/hazards so there was never any building up or encouragement of self-confidence and validation, sometimes to the point where it started to seem dangerous to ever feel at ease with ones own ability to cope no matter how thorough they learned to be. Like.. DON't EVER RELAX, YOU'LL GET CAUGHT WHEN U LEAST EXPECT IT!

    idk

    I'm not a six or even a 6-fix but my mom is either a 6 or a 9 and is regardless VERY much like how I just described. It's wearisome to me and I've always grown up taking on a dynamic of trying to parent *her* because of it.
    Krayfish thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Type 4w5

    Quote Originally Posted by not enough View Post
    Here is another interesting theory, with some confusing statements that contradict the previous theory (e.g. type 7!)... would be interesting to know which one applies more to you

    Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes based on three basic orientations
    source

    Here are the associated traits for each basic orientation:

    Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.

    Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.

    Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.

    Apparently, each child comes into the world with one of these predefined attitudes toward their environment and each parent will address their children with a certain parenting style, which can be, but isn't necessarily determined by their Enneagram type.

    Any Enneagram type can use any of the three orientations to attend to their children. For example - an Enneatype 5 can be a Responsive parent, an Enneatype 8 might use a Neutral approach with their offspring, while an Enneatype 1 may lean towards an Active style. What determines the environmental component of a child's future type is not necessarily the main caretaker's type, but rather their particular approach to relating to the child.

    Nine Interaction Scenarios: Child vs. Parent

    Here are the 9 childhood scenarios that correspond to each of the 9 Enneagram types.

     
    Active child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

    The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

    Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

    Active child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

    The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

    This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

    Active child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

    In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

    This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

    Responsive child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

    This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

    With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

    Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

    This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

    These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

    Responsive child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 2

    In this case, the Responsive child will act in a pleasing, appealing matter but will most likely encounter an indifferent attitude on the part of the Neutral parent. Confronted with this apathy and lack of interest, the child can only resort to becoming even more pleasing and irresistible to the parent, until he manages to break through the shell of indifference and obtain the desired rapport. Such types will be helpful, empathetic, lovable and attractive and will have a knack for getting on the same wavelength with their parents - they know when and how to approach them in order to obtain their attention.

    Growing up, the Responsive children will learn to intuitively sense and assess other people's moods and will know exactly how to fulfill their needs in order to be appreciated and loved by them. They have a wide repertoire of seductive behaviors and know exactly which approach to use in order to successfully engage others into a close relationship.

    Neutral child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

    The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

    Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

    Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

    In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

    Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

    Neutral child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 3

    This Neutral child's solitude is encouraged by his parent's own withdrawal and indifference, which doesn’t necessarily make the Neutral child feel openly rejected, but rather intrigues and challenges him. Serious, focused and rather unemotional, this youngster will most likely try to fulfill his occasional need for attention by impressing his parents with outstanding accomplishments and high aspirations, which make him feel worthy and valuable in their eyes.

    Later in life, these children become motivated achievers who put great emphasis on results, performance, efficiency and a successful image that will make others appreciate and admire them. Deep inside they dislike being ignored because it makes them doubt their own value, therefore they tend to hide their weaknesses and flaws and project a desirable, attractive, "I-have-it-all" persona.
    This is how I first learned about enneagram (neutral, active, responsive parenting). I don't think either perspective is complete on its own, I think different temperaments will more likely *interpret* certain other temperaments/parenting styles a certain way. If I read the descriptions in the first post, I can think of various kinds of environments someone might grow up in, but end up with the same sort of inner experience/insecurities as someone who grew up in a completely different way...

    I do still need to more fully read the descriptions on this parenting style post, which I hope to do soon.
    sweet morphine and mrhcmll thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by mrhcmll
    Type 4
    These children felt abandoned by one or both caretakers. They felt alone, cut off from the source of love for reasons they couldn't understand. They were not "seen" or mirrored, and felt different from their parents. As a result, they turned inward to their feelings and imagination to cope in isolation
    With regards to the OP I think this description fits me the best.

    Quote Originally Posted by not enough
    Active child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

    In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

    This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.
    This was actually a little hard to read because it is almost exactly what my childhood/adolescence was like.
    not enough thanked this post.

  8. #7
    Type 4w5

    Quote Originally Posted by mrhcmll View Post

    Type 4
    These children felt abandoned by one or both caretakers. They felt alone, cut off from the source of love for reasons they couldn't understand. They were not "seen" or mirrored, and felt different from their parents. As a result, they turned inward to their feelings and imagination to cope in isolation.

    Type 5
    These children received no meaningful interaction, emotion, or affection from caretakers. OR, the child had intrusive, over-controlling parent(s) and felt exposed and defenseless in the face of this intrusion. As a result, they built walls around themselves and retreated to the mental realm.
    I relate to both of these a lot, to the point I have trouble trying to fully comprehend how anyone could have had a different experience. Like I can conceive of it but I can't begin to feel it.

    I relate somewhat to the 6 description as well because of how my parents are (my dad is a 6, my mom is either a 9 or a 6 but very unhealthy and 6ish regardless)

    This is so frustrating.
    mrhcmll thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Type 4w5

    Quote Originally Posted by not enough View Post
    Here is another interesting theory, with some confusing statements that contradict the previous theory (e.g. type 7!)... would be interesting to know which one applies more to you

    Chilhood Scenarios for Enneatypes based on three basic orientations
    source

    Here are the associated traits for each basic orientation:

    Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.

    Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.

    Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.

    Apparently, each child comes into the world with one of these predefined attitudes toward their environment and each parent will address their children with a certain parenting style, which can be, but isn't necessarily determined by their Enneagram type.

    Any Enneagram type can use any of the three orientations to attend to their children. For example - an Enneatype 5 can be a Responsive parent, an Enneatype 8 might use a Neutral approach with their offspring, while an Enneatype 1 may lean towards an Active style. What determines the environmental component of a child's future type is not necessarily the main caretaker's type, but rather their particular approach to relating to the child.

    Nine Interaction Scenarios: Child vs. Parent

    Here are the 9 childhood scenarios that correspond to each of the 9 Enneagram types.

     
    Active child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

    The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

    Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

    Active child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

    The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

    This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

    Active child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

    In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

    This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

    Responsive child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

    This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

    With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

    Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

    This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

    These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

    Responsive child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 2

    In this case, the Responsive child will act in a pleasing, appealing matter but will most likely encounter an indifferent attitude on the part of the Neutral parent. Confronted with this apathy and lack of interest, the child can only resort to becoming even more pleasing and irresistible to the parent, until he manages to break through the shell of indifference and obtain the desired rapport. Such types will be helpful, empathetic, lovable and attractive and will have a knack for getting on the same wavelength with their parents - they know when and how to approach them in order to obtain their attention.

    Growing up, the Responsive children will learn to intuitively sense and assess other people's moods and will know exactly how to fulfill their needs in order to be appreciated and loved by them. They have a wide repertoire of seductive behaviors and know exactly which approach to use in order to successfully engage others into a close relationship.

    Neutral child vs. Active parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

    The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

    Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

    Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

    In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

    Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

    Neutral child vs. Neutral parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 3

    This Neutral child's solitude is encouraged by his parent's own withdrawal and indifference, which doesn’t necessarily make the Neutral child feel openly rejected, but rather intrigues and challenges him. Serious, focused and rather unemotional, this youngster will most likely try to fulfill his occasional need for attention by impressing his parents with outstanding accomplishments and high aspirations, which make him feel worthy and valuable in their eyes.

    Later in life, these children become motivated achievers who put great emphasis on results, performance, efficiency and a successful image that will make others appreciate and admire them. Deep inside they dislike being ignored because it makes them doubt their own value, therefore they tend to hide their weaknesses and flaws and project a desirable, attractive, "I-have-it-all" persona.
    As for this, I relate strongly to the "active child, neutral parenting" thing description - the one said to produce 4. To the point it hurts.

    However, I do not relate so well to the "neutral child, responsive parenting", the one said to produce a 5. So perhaps that is why I turned out a 4 rather than a 5, despite having some of the "5 childhood wounds". The "responsive child, responsive parent" is even more foreign, so no 6 for me...

    I vaguely relate to the stuff about 9s in both cases.. but that's more complicated.
    my melody and not enough thanked this post.

  10. #9
    Type 5w4

    Type 5
    These children received no meaningful interaction, emotion, or affection from caretakers. OR, the child had intrusive, over-controlling parent(s) and felt exposed and defenseless in the face of this intrusion. As a result, they built walls around themselves and retreated to the mental realm.
    ^This isn't true at all for me. My Mom was a stay at home who was, objectively speaking, neither emotionally absent/neglectful nor overbearing. She was caring and responsive yet easy going and let me be for the most part which is what this e5 wanted/needed. What little 'rub' there was between us was due to her imposing her (not unreasonable) motherly desires against my freedom: "eat your vegetables", "you can't go outside, it's raining". I never sought affection and receiving even a little of it felt smothering -- my desire was to be left alone to explore, learn for myself and 'be in my head' uninterrupted.

    The other description given by not enough (thanks!), re active/responsive/neutral child/parent dynamics (see below), is right for me:

    Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
    This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

    In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

    Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside.
    mrhcmll, Stellafera and not enough thanked this post.

  11. #10

    I especially relate to type 5 above and somewhat to 1 and 9. My father although I know he loved me dearly often came across as unaffectionate and not emotionally available enough. He was good at providing practical assistance but emotional assistance was lacking. My mother was good at providing emotional assistance but was overly intrusive with her help and overprotective. I had to withdraw to protect my independence.
    mrhcmll thanked this post.


     
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