I'm 4w5 so/sp.
Sx last for me always made me cringe at college parties when people played drinking games that revolved around sharing their most explicit sex stories, then the question would get turned to me and I would gulp in fear and say something like "Never have I ever been on a hot air balloon?" And I would kill the whole vibe by bringing up something innocent and non sex related.
And being an Fi-dom who wants intimacy Sx-last seems to get in the way of getting intimacy. Like when I am in a group, my So can catch who the head honcho is, and also what's missing in the group and what unique thing I can bring to the table, I cna find my niche in a group so to speak, which is fun, but in a group it can't really get past the surface because not everyone can know you deeply, and I feel like trying to reach out to individuals when I'm in a group, 1. I feel bad because I'm not treating everyone fairly and people might think I'm partial to other's over others and 2. I feel like if I try to get intimate with someone it's like too much, or inappropriate like people don't care to know you that much. And sometimes it's hard to find the topics to dive deep with so I ask stupid surface questions hoping the person just bites on something and unloads themselves to me.
My Fi seeking intimacy and my Sx last not knowing how to get the intimacy causes me to try and get help from people who reach out on that intimate level.
Me being So first, if I'm being honest, fitting into a group most of the time just happens by accident for me, if I stand still for long enough then BAM I'm in a group. But intimate raw encounters with one perosn, man, usually when I am drunk it all comes pouring out, all the things I can't and don't say when my mind is right lol. But I do love those moments because they are so rare.
@Flower Hat
"I wonder if, for example, there may be so/sp types who'd grown up with very strong attachments to certain people in their lives and had at times found these attachments overbearing or something and thought that they took away from what they perceived as more important things, such as in securing your place within a social network (or whatever it is the social instinct does). "
Idk. As sx-last I feel like being considered someone important in a social group is on my mind so much that I forget I need intimacy, but there is this subconscious feeling that I need to take care of that part of my life also because it's so neglected, and when I do have a close bond with someone it doesn't feel overbearing though, but perhaps it feels extra special than it should since it's not really common, rare in fact, and maybe the sx person is like "I have deeper relations with other people than you, this is normal for me." While I'm sitting there like, wow I've never felt this before lol.
I knew an ENTP woman, she was like a mother to me, I imagine she was sx first, very blunt often saying things that disrupted or disturbed the group, unintentionally causing strife, but when we spoke it was like a little bubble between us and everybody was gone, and one time she said goodbye to our group as she was leaving and she just came and hugged me without saying goodbye and just put her head on the side of my head and just rocked with me hugging for like a 3 straight minutes. The feeling I felt was akin to a piercing white light on my insides, knowing I had been singled out of the group like that because she saw me differently than the others. Very life giving feeling to say the least.
I also remember when my seasonal job ended, in our group of co-workers I had solidified myself as the funny outgoing guy (even though really introverted outside the group). I put on my social butterfly hat and chatted up various co-workers so each person would get a feel for who I was (in the group). And it worked, but after awhile it just seemed like I didn't want to make friends with any one person and I just wanted the majority of people to think I was cool, (I did and it mostly stemmed from the fear of looking socially awkward, I wanted to show that I wasn't). At the end of my seasonal job, I realized, I would never seen these people again, and I had made no strong bonds or meaning for relationships, and my seasonal job felt so empty and pointless, like I spent all this time with these people and none of them really know me and I don't know them, they were in my life and now they are gone, I felt like trying to connect with people on the very last day would appear inappropriate and sort of desperate. No meaningful goodbyes, not even empty promises of hanging out.
Idk. I fear alot "Am I ever gonna feel that with someone." And I have felt that with people, but like I mean are they gonna be around for good.
I also don't think upbringing influences instincts, I think you just recognize your instinct through how you choose to handle or react to something.
I define awkwardness as a trait that is rooted in how you are being perceived by others rather than in who you are. I can tell you that I do feel awkward at times but others often perceive me differently. That being said, as an so-blind type myself, I cannot tell you how this awkwardness comes across. It's in the eye of the beholder.
But, there are qualities that I've observed in sx-lasts that may or may not boil over into awkwardness depending on the context and how the person plays things off. They tend to come across as very tightly wound and controlled (but not necessarily like they're "holding back"), almost unnatural, but not necessarily insincere (that would depend on the person), sometimes smooth but not very "flowy," often polite but with a businesslike quality to them. They're certainly not what I would describe as raw - they're whatever is on the opposite end of the spectrum. At worst, the more reserved ones and the sp/so types in particular, seem a little robotic to me. The more outgoing ones tend to be more playful (especially when the dominant instinct is so).
I will point out that I've never met a socially awkward so/sp. Some of them could check every single point I've mentioned and still somehow come across as rather charming.
EDIT: Just remembered something I've noticed in some sx-lasts - while many of them tend to be incredibly private, others tend to share information about themselves freely if they find it useful in context. I don't know how to explain it other than that it seems that they put the intimate stuff and the impersonal stuff in the same mixing pot, and I don't think they even realize that they do it.
Yup. That's exactly how I feel. Alot of the times I put on the charm in fear of looking socially inept though lol. I have reached some incredible heights of charm all due to fear lol. Cause you know, you don't want to be that guy that everyone thinks can't hold a conversation to hold his life #SOproblems lol.
But yea, I used to be a wall flower, then I saw how much people make fun of people being a wallflower, so I realized I didn't want to be made fun of so I try to resist being a wallflower by engaging with various people in the group to make it look like I'm cool and not a wallflower. But I secretly want to reach in depth with someone but fear that no one really cares enough and i would make others uncomfortable to get to that level. But then when someone does get to that level with me sometimes it's not the person I want to get in-depth with and they just sort of unload on me, and I'm like, I want this but not with you looooooool. Like I want it with someone who means something to me.