This is a discussion on SX Confessions, Rants, Vents, Rages, Purges within the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; Originally Posted by ukulele I love SO people. I genuinely repel them. When I was younger I used to wonder ...
Last edited by Neokortex; 10-10-2018 at 01:48 AM.
What's with this darkness bullshit every time I read something on Sx? My brother is an E7 sx dom ESFP and he's NOTHING about darkness. He's all in the moment and good fun. Sure, when shit got bad it got BAD. But now he's not at all darkness seeking. He's the opposite. He's often the center stage of attention without even trying or wanting to.
But yeah, he does admit he rather dresses black/gray than colorful. I'm the opposite. I like to work in a lot of color and while I don't seek darkness I am drawn to it. All this while I'm sp/so. So this darkness theory is shit and holds no strong merit. Stop promoting it, it's annoying and causes confusion.
Last edited by Neokortex; 10-11-2018 at 02:22 AM.
Oh what a nice gift thank you I love you!
Very beautiful, very comfortable to have those feelings. That warmth. But where does this drive come from? What murky waters does it lurk?
Same place as those that cut people up without thinking twice. No one likes it. But it's true. It's just the polar opposite, but one is pushing itself away from it, frantically scrubbing itself to the point its skin might come off. While some just go head first into it. And others are in between. This creates interesting results. It forces us to think about what it MEANS to be human. It forces one to look inside themselves and ask very uncomfortable and hard questions. It destroys as much as it creates.
Dark and light go hand in hand. This is way I have this avatar. Because I'm nigh obsessed with it.
Even the Japanese in my signature deals with it. 'who am I'
I'm not a 5 either, I'm a 6 with a 5 wing. Sp/so 6w5.
I'm also no INTJ. I'm an ISFJ with a morbid curiosity.
But then again, Sx manifests in interactions, more specifically the intimacy between two people. You wrote: "What's with this darkness bullshit every time I read something on Sx? (...) [T]his darkness theory is shit and holds no strong merit." I get you are ISFJ, but for the sake of example, let's assume that your use of the word "shit" is an instance of Te (perhaps your wing 5's assertion). Now, turning your favorite taste for these videos into Sx would be something like this: if I asked you as a question: "do you curse me with the same anger that with which they tore down the skin off the face of that Mexican?" or "Do you call my theory "bullshit" because that's what you want to do to me, pin me down and excrete your warm, glistening dump on me?" Or in other words: do you watch the videos because you are like the people doing those acts - or do you watch them because you want to persuade yourself (as in watching horror movies) that you would not commit such horrible acts and compared to them what you did commit was less horrible, not even worth a comparison?
... yeah, I haven't read the psychoanalysis of film studies behind horror films but I have a feeling they reinforce social solidarity, people watch them to refocus themselves on Fe, and distract themselves from the idea that Te is not just "tribe logic" but it comes with a shadow Se or Si. Or from the idea that the "monster" may be more about their own psychopathy and not some isolated genetical freak. And these unconscious Se/Si may reemerge covertly as a result of the repressed frustration that comes with subordinating one's own will to the collective's interest. In other words: Te users, as well as some Ti users tend to exploit the collective interest (Fe, Te) to be allowed to be bullies. And tend to be good at hiding that under the "the greater good needed it" excuses.
So what differentiates between Sx blind spot and So blind spot spectatorship of these lurid videos? Well, let's tie it back to Fe. You recognized that altruism (or in biology called "competitive altruism") is actually self-service. Now the questions are, whether you watch these videos because you're attracted to the dark because you are aware of the dark in yourself? Or, do you watch them because you want to convince yourself that some altruism is evil, nobody is either black or white, and by watching them you become aware of and distance yourself from evil, which also entails the "evil (i.e. false, deceptive, self-serving) altruism" so that when you're again altruistic, that will not be self-serving, that will be true altruism? For sure, as an Sp/So you can't avoid Fe-trigger situations.
We are all social animals, So blind spots included, but a one-on-one, intimate/vulnerable context is when trust is expect the most earnestly, when discussion turns intent. When exposed, when entrusted someone with your vulnerability is when instances of deviation from social interaction formulas have the most impact, significance. So yeah, you are right, anyone can be into scat porn privately but context makes the difference between a reference like that to be penetrative (intimidating other parts of the mind unrelated to the one that enjoys it) or just a matter of a jest. Or in other words: you not following up with the conversation I had with the intended recipient made, in the end, the difference between light and dark (of the pictures quoted).
But anyways, I don't watch much dark stuff, even remember reading on 16types.info that Sp/Sx is more into the underbelly stuff, Sx/Sp is somewhat removed from that (because of syn-flow). So instead of "dark" I'm more into "cyberpunk" because it has both trash and E3 aesthetics.
Last edited by Neokortex; 10-12-2018 at 03:50 PM.
Well, I normally don't jump into ranting, so... hopefully I'm doing this right when I start.
Adding this now, I do have a strong 4 wing and much of this post may sound ironic to it, but other parts may make sense. Anyway, onward.
Being an Sx dom is... challenging. Especially being a type 5. There's so much inner conflict between wants and needs. I crave the isolation that allows me to think and comfortably observe without involvement, yet at the same time, there's that inner nagging for closeness to someone that actually understands the perspective I hold--and being as much of my view is controversial in the eyes of many, it puts a major strain on this inherent desire for connection. I like to consider it much like a moth on the outside of a window, fluttering about, its wings beating just enough for it to be audible, but not so thoroughly distracting unless you move closer.
I'm always sitting at the crossroads of letting it in to achieve its goal, or observing it--again, from that comfortable distance, while it's being held back--in its eyes, forcibly, and in my eyes, voluntarily.
I'm a very emotionally disconnected person as well, but I know I'm not without them, so I wind up in a stalemate a lot more often than I'd like to admit. It all turns into a pattern, really. How frustrating.
Well, that's my rant. I could probably do better if I were awake, but alas, I'm pretty sure my brain is still buried under my pillows somewhere.
I went to my first enneagram workshop yesterday and found so much clarity. I feel a lot of tenderness for myself today and my challenges in life. My heart aches and my eyes tear up even now. Yesterday as I shared, my arms shook the way they shake when I get acupuncture -- rotating quickly at the elbows. My heart pounded in my chest. I went in, thinking I might be an SP, because as a single mom who doesn't have much money, I feel inundated with SP concerns that drain me. As I was talking about SP, someone said, what's the energy in the room right now? It was sexual. I had filled the whole room with my charismatic SX/SO energy -- all eyes were on me, engaged, as I shared my personal struggles with what I came to identify as my sp-blindspot. I left knowing I need to outsources as much of SP as possible.
People love me when I am able to turn on a room like that. People seek me out. People want to engage and give me attention. But, I am not always ON like that. I see people fade away when I don't "turn it on". Turn MYSELF on for them. Like I'm a fucking TV screen, a flat screen, with nothing inside. I've spent a lot of my life managing my SX energy because my E3 tracks how so many of the SPs and SOs wilt one-on-one with me. I make myself small. I manage my own energy to take care of other people so I will be loved, so I can be perfect. I turn it on when other people want me to turn it on. I dampen it when I'm overwhelming other people. I love the attention I get when I'm on, but the pain of only being appreciated for that... might not be worth it.
I don't want to fuck. I want to hold hands and breathe. I don't need intensity, because I know if I slow down, simple things like your hand in mine IS intense. Eye contact. Closing our eyes. Feeling what it feels like to BE in a room together. Change the distance. Notice subtle shifts. I don't want to rush into things because there is so much richness right here.
Sexual energy for me is noticing there is a picture that we can take of the scene. Like Christmas Currier & Ives perfection. But. What is underneath? Is there really comfort & joy even while the chestnuts roast on the fire? Or is mom upset because no one is helping, but she won't let anyone help. And dad's biting his thumb the way he does as he chases me down the hall to beat me. Part of sexual energy is tracking the feeling in the room, the feeling in my body, noticing where my attention goes.
Now that I am so much clearer about the names for some of the energies I experience, like I've learned the names for the flavors of wine at a tasting, what do I do with it? Manage? Not manage? Let myself be... Big? Charismatic? Bored? Sad? Small? Can I show up however I show up? How does SX/SO serve me? And how does it limit me?