Does It Feel Like Obsession? - Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtype

Does It Feel Like Obsession? - Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtype

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This is a discussion on Does It Feel Like Obsession? - Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtype within the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum forums, part of the Personality Type Forums category; I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some ...

  1. #1
    Unknown

    Does It Feel Like Obsession? - Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtype

    I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.

    But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.

    The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak.

    Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.

    For instance, if I set a goal, it's like I become one with the goal, I eat and sleep it. It's as if I pour my whole self into it and all my energy is channeled into reaching my goal and I will stop at nothing until I have achieved the goals. Same things with ideas, I research it, think about it excessively, discuss it, eat and sleep it until I have mastered or completely exhausted all avenues of exploring the ideas.

    I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever.

    But the common denominator is "too". I'm sure part of this is due to my core Enneagram type. However, I would like to know how other Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtypes relate to Sx.

    Can you relate?

    Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.
    Last edited by n2freedom; 02-19-2012 at 11:09 PM. Reason: added more info
    wisdom, sodden, SilentOne and 61 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by n2freedom View Post
    Can you relate?
    Yes, I can.

  3. #3
    Type 8

    Ohhh yes. It's very hard to saddle down those tendencies.
    fourtines, fourtines, Thalassa and 17 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    Type 5

    on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL.

    in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me.

    i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.
    marzipan01, nikkiannpet, Master Mind and 3 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Khys View Post
    on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL.

    in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me.

    i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.
    Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.

    And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.
    perennialurker thanked this post.

  6. #6
    Type 5

    Quote Originally Posted by n2freedom View Post
    Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.

    And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.
    PerCers told me I was 9, and since i hadn't researched, it seemed plausible.
    Edit: ^that's the problem with Enneagram...if your knowledge is only surface level you will inevitably mistype
    my variant is SO/SP
    madhatter, marzipan01, iMaven and 2 others thanked this post.

  7. #7
    Type 3

    This explains a lot about myself. I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I relate to every word you've posted.
    Up and Away, Jawz, ImminentThunder and 1 others thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Yeah .. I think I'm an sx/sp So I can relate to a lot of this but not all of it.

    My experience is an extremely hard one to describe with intimacy.

    With my friends, I primarily seek friendships with the opposite gender and can feel completely at odds with my own gender because there's almost no chance of getting intimate there. I've only had 3 very intimate male friendships, whereas almost all of my friendships with women are intimate [non romantically, but emotionally intense]. I tend to want to get extremely close to my female friends by being there for them emotionally and even helping out with their problems in life. I don't have a hero complex at all because I like independent and voracious women as well. However, if a conversation with anyone is random and about typical every day stuff, I usually couldn't give a rat's ass and allow such relationships to fade and dissipate into nothing over time.

    I need to feel close to someone and the only way I know is by knowing their feelings, thoughts, dreams, passions.

    As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long.

    My body runs with the clock. If I'm told "Ok, I'll talk to you at 5:00pm" and that 5:00pm turns 10:00pm without a single notice or emergency, I feel my romantic feelings flicker a little and I become upset and feel unvalued and under-appreciated.

    My thought process is .. "Ok, if it wasn't an emergency or a valid reason, then there's no harm in at least dropping in a quick message saying that it's gonna be 5 hours more." For me it's not about control, or dominating my partner - but about a feeling of feeling valued enough to be told when or when she'll be available to talk to me.

    In such a case, I need immediate conflict resolution and an expression of my displeasure usually takes care of the issue. I don't consider this a weakness [even though I have been told that it's one in the past]. I have a limit of 7-8 hours without unexpected contact with my SO.

    I'm not like that with my friends at all. I can stay out of touch with friends for years even without the connection fading.

    Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).
    sodden, possiBri, Up and Away and 10 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long.
    So, glad you said this. The desire for connection/merging for me in no way means attachment. I hope that makes sense. I have NO desire to be under anyone 24-7. I am very independent and autonomous and demand my space free of restrictions.

    However, desire of connection/merging for me means to know someone on the deepest level possible. To explore and know the depths of their psyche, soul, heart, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).
    Question about demisexuality...would a statement like "my sex drive is high only when I'm in a dating relationship other than that I can take it or leave it" be reflective of someone who is demisexual? Also, do you think a demisexual would be interested in and/or partake in menage' a trois? I know these are off topic questions but I was curious.
    sodden, Airy, Jawz and 1 others thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by n2freedom View Post
    I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.

    But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.

    The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak.

    Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.

    For instance, if I set a goal, it's like I become one with the goal, I eat and sleep it. It's as if I pour my whole self into it and all my energy is channeled into reaching my goal and I will stop at nothing until I have achieved the goals. Same things with ideas, I research it, think about it excessively, discuss it, eat and sleep it until I have mastered or completely exhausted all avenues of exploring the ideas.

    I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever.

    But the common denominator is "too". I'm sure part of this is due to my core Enneagram type. However, I would like to know how other Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtypes relate to Sx.

    Can you relate?

    Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.
    I've been thinking about my subtype a lot lately because I went off hormonal birth control after 8 years recently and I feel like my true sexual subtype instinct has come flooding back. I'm fantasizing like crazy, I feel way more intense, and I want sex all the time.

    In my intimate relationships, I never came on too strong for others, but they seemed extremely attracted to the energy. Unfortunately I was usually not attracted to them so I would start to feel smothered and then break things off. When I feel a real, legitimate connection with someone, I do want to know everything about them, but because I'm a 5, I also get drained from too much interaction easily. So it's a kind of push-pull of intense, emotional connection for a short period of time, then withdrawing for a few days.

    My sexual subtype really comes out in my sexual activities. Also because I'm a 5, it can be hard for me to ask for what I want in the bedroom, but ever since stopping HBC it's like I've become the dominant one - I'm encouraging him to push his boundaries and I think that's a real turn on for him too. I really feel like the sexual energy in our relationship is at a place it's never been.

    I tend to get unhealthy when we become totally enmeshed, even if it's what I was striving for. When that happens my moodiness and anxiety is usually raised so I know it's not a good place to be. I like the closeness, but give me my space to work through my thoughts and emotions (and build anticipation). I want you to be there, but also to not crowd me. This has definitely made for a bit of a complicated dynamic but with my current partner it feels like we're in a very good place. I don't know what his subtype is but I'm quite sure sx isn't his dominant, which is actually a bit disappointing for me. I want him to be more confident with his sexuality and less questioning but I also realize that we can have a lot of fun as I encourage him to have more of that confidence.

    My sexual subtype also really comes out in a flirty way. I realize in the last few months that I want to be wanted because it turns me on - and I don't care who is doing the wanting. I don't want to go out and have sex with random people, but the idea that I'm turning someone else on is a big turn on for me. I'm can be a very very flirtatious person if I want to be.
    sodden, fourtines, fourtines and 21 others thanked this post.


     
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