@ShadowPrince @Swordsman of Mana @RedRedo @enneathusiast
Here is something I wrote in reply to someone the other day about my identity problems. I thought maybe it'd be of some help in typing:
The main thing that I'm trying to say is that I only see myself through everyone else's eyes. Other than that I have no idea what I am which has led to alot of issues obviously, especially with the type of people that I have most often been around. I'll try to sum this up as much as I can, but it's kind of complicated.
When I was younger I never questioned when people tried to change me that they were trying to help me out of sincere caring and concern. So I would do whatever they wanted without question. Some examples would be changing my clothing/appearance, attitude, and even personality to fit the mold someone wanted for me. This happened with my peers, teachers, and even my parents to an extent. When you're a child, you're the most impressionable and that was the period of time I should have been figuring out "who I was" but I was too busy trying to please everyone around me. Looking back on it now, I feel like I should have been mad or sad about it but I wasn't. I only felt upset when I would change and then find that it wasn't enough for that person. They were never happy with me. I started to feel flawed and insignificant, like something must be wrong with me for so many people to try to change me. It wasn't the type of deal where I would sit around and mope about it all the time, I just felt upset in the moment that I couldn't be what they needed. It doesn't help when they're also calling you worthless, freak of nature, weird, ugly, etc. Now that I'm older I realize that these people were just controlling bullies but I haven't lost the feeling that I still don't have my own identity.
I even remember in HS when I was friends with mostly Fi-doms wanting to be sort of emo because they were. I would try to feel deep emotions and I would try to make myself sad and depressed but I've just never been dark enough. It's like I can't feel these emotions for myself, only for other people. That's what I mean about not feeling these emotions for myself. I feel them, but not for me... only for other people. It leaves you feeling sort of empty inside. I hope that makes sense.
The closest I've come to knowing my own identity it is through my artistic endeavors, because at least it's something I created. This is what I was referring to with inferior Se, because the only thing that is real to me is something that is physically tangible. However, all my artistic pursuits contain subject matter that is focused around other people, so it's almost back to square one. I've I would definitely say I've made my art my "identity" which is also somewhat superficial I suppose.
Having said all this though, I realize that I willingly let all this stuff happen. My identity issues are really nobody's fault but my own because I willingly let people control me. I'm trying to consciously make efforts to stop this people-pleasing behavior, so I'm on the right path I think. But I still think I'll never really know myself.
I'm starting to think 2 might fit, but I'm having issues with the self-preservation typing. Here's the weird deal with that... I suppose I am self-preserving in the sense that I'm always looking to keep things from going wrong, and foreseeing any issues that might crop up. I am definitely a problem solver/troubleshooter. However, that usually translates to those around me. When we were having a financial crisis, I was willing to give up my dream to support my mom. I do feel a great deal of responsibility but I wouldn't call myself responsible. I actually hate obligations being placed on me for this reason... because I feel an overwhelming sense of pressure and I worry that I might not live up to the expectation. I actually have alot of self doubt, but I don't want anyone to know it. Staying calm and appearing in control is part of the image I want to convey. If somebody could hear what goes on inside, they wouldn't take me seriously.
Reasons I don't see myself as self-preserving is because I don't care about comfort, security, or my surroundings. In fact, if it was just me I had to worry about I would probably be a traveling musician living in the back of a van. Of course I can see all the possibilities of how that would be unsafe, and I would work to minimize those possibilities, but I would still take the risk. It would be invigorating.
BTW, in that Madonna interview I can kind of relate to her replies. She seems to have the same speech style as me, but I feel like I can be alot more expressive than her. In the video I made, I was actually very tired and I was trying to be quiet because my mom was in the other room, so that might've skewed it a bit. I feel like if I were to be interviewed by someone, I would be a little more lighthearted, trying to make jokes and such. I would say that I'm more non-serious than serious in everyday life. I laugh loud and I like to have fun. I appear serious in my videos though because I'm talking about serious subjects.
I do not really resonate with Amy Lee at all. She actually seems alot more like a 4 to me but that's my opinion. She talked about enjoying a sort of low that she gets on, which I don't understand. She talks about putting her feelings into songs which again, doesn't really resonate with me. All of her songs have a dark/depressing vibe and I seem to only be able to write happy songs or songs with happy endings even when I consciously try to write something depressing. When I'm pissed the best songs usually come out of it, but they're always about overcoming your obstacle and they're for
everyone, not just me or some emotion I want to get out. I very much feel like my purpose in life is to encourage and empower others. On the other hand though, I do tend to listen to mostly music that has a dark, sardonic, or sci-fi theme. It doesn't seem to effect my actual mood, I'm just sort of attracted to it.
Sexual 5 is among the most romantic types on the Enneagram. they are looking for the perfect person to "share their bubble" and pour all their energy into finding that person and, once that person is found, merging them in a manner similar to Sexual 9
I do really relate to this. I'm always imagining what it might be like to be with someone who completely understands me. I would literally share everything with them. I would give them everything. Of course that's not realistic though. I won't even bother "dating" someone if I can't get some kind of mental connection with them. And of course I'm so strange that it usually doesn't happen, that I really connect with someone that is. But I do often imagine what it would be like...