[ENTJ] ENTJ females and roadblocks with feeling type females

ENTJ females and roadblocks with feeling type females

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This is a discussion on ENTJ females and roadblocks with feeling type females within the ENTJ Forum - The Executives forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; I'll start by saying that my husband is a feeling type (ENFJ) and we actually get along pretty great, with ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    ENTJ females and roadblocks with feeling type females

    I'll start by saying that my husband is a feeling type (ENFJ) and we actually get along pretty great, with a few misunderstandings. But a lot of my female friends are also ENFJ, ENFP, INFJ and other feeling types. I am a bit frustrated at times because it seems I am often more misunderstood by female feelers. I should say too that with the exception of a couple, these women became my friends because they married my husbands' friends. And for the most part I get along with them great. These are just a few bumps in the road.


    -I'm thinking about having children in the next few years and when I mention this to them, they talk about/encourage the stay at home mom option, which in no way appeals to me. Also, I have said that I may want to have a nanny to help out once I have kids and have gotten responses of near disgust from them.
    -My husband and I run a business and when I talk about my work, I see blank looks on their faces (none of them are entrepreneurs and most of them are teachers or stay at home moms)
    -They are always trying to reassure me or spare my feelings, when it is absolutely not necessary
    -They misinterpret my confidence and always want to think I'm putting myself down when I'm just speaking matter of factly about myself.


    ...To elaborate on those last two issues, here is a specific example: I have a friend (she's an enfp who works as a hairstylist and interior designer, btw) who I generally get along with well but sometimes when I'm talking in matter of fact terms she thinks I'm putting myself down. For example the other day we were in a boutique and I said, "I get frustrated with these places because the larges usually don't fit me. My shoulders are too broad for them." She said, "Oh, I don't believe that! You look great!" Moments later I asked the woman working in the store to get me a pair of jeans and she said she'd bring me a size 5. I was like, "Well if you want me to get them over my hips you're going to have to bring me a size 9 or an 11." Her response was also, "No way, that can't be true!" Since when was my being my actual size my putting myself down? I'm always baffled. I know I look great. But I'm 5'7" with a large frame. My husband has always referred to me as amazonian (which my enfp friend also interpreted my talking about as putting myself down- I'm proud of it) I look slim, but it is just a fact that I'm often a size large and I tend to wear a size 8 to 10 and I see nothing wrong with it. I've even told her multiple times, "Hey, I'm not putting myself down, I like how I look. These are just facts." She responds with a shocked look on her face and doesn't say anything else until the next time. Anyway, that always frustrates me. I can't seem to get across that I am not insulting myself, I'm just being a realistic person, lol.

    Anyway, just want to vent to some other ENTJ females and see if any of you experience the same kinds of obstacles in the world of (seemingly) mostly feeling women.
    Elistra and aphinion thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENTJ - The Executives

    A few of my female coworkers are Thinkers. Notably, one is ESTJ. She and I generally don't need
    "translation" to each other. I bore her sometimes when I go on about psychological theory, and she bores me when she goes on about sports and celebrity gossip, but we get along well.

    The Feelers are more difficult, and there's more of them. They recognize that my "heart is in the right place" in spite of my awkwardness when it comes to mushy things, and tell me as much. I usually respond with, "Yes, in a jar on my desk." which they smile at. I must be doing alright for this to be the case. Either that, or they're exceptionally tolerant Feelers.

    Oh, and one of them has called me "The Loveable Psychopath" for years, as a term of endearment.
    Last edited by Elistra; 08-02-2013 at 07:56 PM.

  3. #3
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    I'm a dude and this still happens to me with feeler men and women.

    Me: "Sometimes I feel slightly autistic."
    Feeler: "Don't say that about yourself! You are NOT autistic!"
    Me: "Is there something wrong with autism?"
    Feeler: "No!"
    Me: "Agreed, and I am very happy with myself. So why are you reassuring me?"
    Feeler: "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with autism!!!! "


    Then there's the exposition before they make a minor very slight criticism.

    Feeler: "So I noticed--and this is just something that I have noticed and is not necessarily the truth--look you're really awesome and a wonderful person...this is just my opinion and how I fe-"
    Me: "You don't like it when i do x, right?"
    Feeler: "What? No! <continues exposition and says he or she doesn't like it when I do x>"
    Me: "Okay, so you don't like it when I do x? That's fine."
    Feeler: "I was trying to be nice."
    Me:
    Champagne Wishes and Siggy thanked this post.

  4. #4

    l'd give a few more female ENFPs a chance, l've mistaken many for ENTPs, or at the very least, nothing set me off about their ''feels'' for a long time.

    l do notice that l tend to do better with Fi, or male Fe and that female dominant Fe doesn't work out so well (mixed experiences with aux).

    l get a real friend vibe from the NFP's and more of a motherly vibe from dominant Fe that l simply cannot tolerate

    -non ENTJ answer
    Champagne Wishes thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ENTJ - The Executives

    Quote Originally Posted by MegaTuxRacer View Post
    I'm a dude and this still happens to me with feeler men and women.

    Me: "Sometimes I feel slightly autistic."
    Feeler: "Don't say that about yourself! You are NOT autistic!"
    Me: "Is there something wrong with autism?"
    Feeler: "No!"
    Me: "Agreed, and I am very happy with myself. So why are you reassuring me?"
    Feeler: "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with autism!!!! "
    There have been times in my life where I've said something like this, believe it or not. It will only happen when my Fi is very, very close to the surface though. I will try to translate, and if I'm off base or have somehow screwed it all up, will some Feeler kindly point it out and explain it decently? This is not my forte, by any stretch of the imagination.

    What they're saying is more or less this -- they like you, want the best for you, and probably respect you a lot, to boot. This is not politically correct to say, and no, it's not the "fault" of an autistic that she/he is autistic, any more than it is the "fault" of someone who has a club foot for being a cripple. But overall, it is still a suboptimal situation, yes? Or I have been told this by people who were diagnosed with autism/asperger's at least, and given the social hell they go through, I am inclined to believe them.

    Anyway... basically, the person thinks so much of you that they do not want to see you accused of suboptimal things, even by you.

    I don't know if Fe is different. It is possible with Fe that this is them trying to reassure you? As if they are interpreting you saying you're autistic as feeling like you just don't fit in, or are socially awkward in some way, and they're trying to reassure you that you are not?

    Quote Originally Posted by MegaTuxRacer View Post
    Then there's the exposition before they make a minor very slight criticism.

    Feeler: "So I noticed--and this is just something that I have noticed and is not necessarily the truth--look you're really awesome and a wonderful person...this is just my opinion and how I fe-"
    Me: "You don't like it when i do x, right?"
    Feeler: "What? No! <continues exposition and says he or she doesn't like it when I do x>"
    Me: "Okay, so you don't like it when I do x? That's fine."
    Feeler: "I was trying to be nice."
    Me:
    I don't do this, even when the Fi is fairly close to the surface. (An ENTJ who never criticizes anything is an ENTJ on a slab with a sheet and a toe tag, lol.) But from my experience with Feelers, it's basically them trying their best not to hurt you. Criticism from you would hurt them, so they believe the opposite is true as well, and are therefore gentle and careful with their words, just as they hope you'd be if the positions were reversed. Now, whether they're afraid of hurting you because they regard you very highly or because they're afraid you'll explode like Krakatoa in response, I'd say it varies. Hell, in some cases it could even be both. But this is how it translates to me, when Feelers do this.
    Last edited by Elistra; 08-02-2013 at 08:52 PM.
    Champagne Wishes thanked this post.

  6. #6
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    Quote Originally Posted by Elistra View Post
    There have been times in my life where I've said something like this, believe it or not. It will only happen when my Fi is very, very close to the surface though. I will try to translate, and if I'm off base or have somehow screwed it all up, will some Feeler kindly point it out and explain it decently? This is not my forte, by any stretch of the imagination.

    What they're saying is more or less this -- they like you, want the best for you, and probably respect you a lot, to boot. This is not politically correct to say, and no, it's not the "fault" of an autistic that she/he is autistic, any more than it is the "fault" of someone who has a club foot for being a cripple. But overall, it is still a suboptimal situation, yes? Or I have been told this by people who were diagnosed with autism/asperger's at least, and given the social hell they go through, I am inclined to believe them.

    Anyway... basically, the person thinks so much of you that they do not want to see you accused of suboptimal things, even by you.

    I don't know if Fe is different. It is possible with Fe that this is them trying to reassure you? As if they are interpreting you saying you're autistic as feeling like you just don't fit in, or are socially awkward in some way, and they're trying to reassure you that you are not?



    I don't do this, even when the Fi is fairly close to the surface. (An ENTJ who never criticizes anything is an ENTJ on a slab with a sheet and a toe tag, lol.) But from my experience with Feelers, it's basically them trying their best not to hurt you. Criticism from you would hurt them, so they believe the opposite is true as well, and are therefore gentle and careful with their words, just as they hope you'd be if the positions were reversed. Now, whether they're afraid of hurting you because they regard you very highly or because they're afraid you'll explode like Krakatoa in response, I'd say it varies. Hell, in some cases it could even be both. But this is how it translates to me, when Feelers do this.
    Oh I know. I just thought I would relate in a funny way. It does annoy me, but c'est la vie.
    Champagne Wishes and Elistra thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ENTJ - The Executives

    To prevent derailing this thread with a huge rant, I think I'll start another thread for the rant and attempt to stay on topic here. lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by MegaTuxRacer View Post
    Oh I know. I just thought I would relate in a funny way. It does annoy me, but c'est la vie.
    They don't annoy me... well, unless they're the type to just go on and on and on about their own personal problems endlessly. One of my male coworkers is a Feeler -- probably an ENFP, but it's a weak P... he might actually be an ENFJ with a weak J. Anyway, he went through a divorce awhile back. If he catches you alone anywhere, he'll start in bitching about his ex wife, and you can barely slip a word in edgewise.

    I understand he's hurting, I understand he wants to talk... but at the same time, I understand that I cannot sit there for half an hour, an hour, or even more while he goes on about it and actually do my job. Ugh.
    Last edited by Elistra; 08-03-2013 at 01:01 PM.

  8. #8
    ENTJ - The Executives

    to sum up,they're treating you as they would like to be treated, instead of how you'd like to be treated. I've almost broken an enfp I've known for a decade of this. good luck.
    Champagne Wishes thanked this post.

  9. #9

    I get this all the time, especially when I'm at gymnastics practice. Sometimes our coaches don't see the turns we take, and I really like to know how my skill went so I can improve it, so I'll ask a teammate. However, when I say things like "Wow that one was pretty bad" or "I'm pretty sure my legs were bent" they freeze up and tell me nothing. I get that they're trying to be nice, but if I am literally asking for criticism can you please give it?
    Champagne Wishes and Nerdistheword thanked this post.

  10. #10
    ENTJ - The Executives

    could be inferior Te and judging functions


     
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