This is a discussion on Ask an ENTJ a question within the ENTJ Forum - The Executives forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by furryfury I'm not unwilling, I'm just not forthcoming. I am simply not capable of projecting my feelings, ...
So when I'm overcome with feelings for my partner it feels like a rending in my chest that I need to fix, and I can't verbalize it. Other times I can easily talk to him about things from a place of reason.
It's probably a control thing.
He said his STR's have always followed the same pattern you described (bolded part of your comment) and it means that they never become LTR's because it requires too much effort... it's exhausting. His rationale is, if someone says whatever they feel at the time and then say something else which contradicts it (because at this other moment they feel differently) it makes it hard for him to trust that they mean what they say.
Because he has a very strong ethical streak, he won't commit to saying something that is subject to volatility... as he expects the same in return.
Additionally strong emotion makes him feel vulnerable to attack... it means that he has lowered his defences and he won't do this if he thinks that there is any likelihood that the person will use it against him.
Last edited by Sangoire; 02-01-2016 at 09:14 PM. Reason: spelling
I presume ENTJs are just out-of-tune with their emotions, and since you have to really *feel* them to understand them, it's not worth dealing with that unpleasantness to understand something "illogical" and "irrational." Could be wrong, though.
Everyone needs and deserves to feel safe when building relationships (especially romantic ones). But that safety is derived in different ways by different people.
For some it may require a partner who is willing to let them vent when needed, safe in the feeling that they will not be seen or treated differently because of it.
For your ENTJ (and mine) it requires a level of predictability in emotional responses, safe in the knowledge that they won't be blindsided by someone's outbursts.
Neither of these are inherently wrong... but they are incompatible without some hard work and ground rules. Without ground rules, the two parties are likely to feel punished for simply being themselves... then no-one feels safe.
I don't know if this helps, but if I feel like I am going to become overly emotive with my partner, I:
1. Ask him for 'processing time'
2. Promise that we can discuss it when I am capable of articulating it in a logical way
3. Reassure him that our relationship is not under threat
4. Make sure I deliver on my promise (this is important - I do not even attempt to discuss it again until I know that I can deliver on my promise)
It feels a little clunky/uncomfortable to start with, but by the end of the discussion we both feel safe with each other... so well worth the effort.
Last edited by Sangoire; 02-02-2016 at 04:55 PM. Reason: spelling
One was deeply insecure, the other I was incapable of meeting her emotional needs, and they were both awfully unpredictable. We'd be out for dinner and she'd go to the bathroom for 15 minutes and then I'd see her run out the door, looking upset with no explanation and no apparent trigger. He'd start an explosive argument on the train, get off at a random stop and then come home drunk for round two late in the night.
I cared for both of them, but I can't live like that. Found an ISTP and we've never had a disagreement, we talk about things before they become a problem and neither of us is reactionary. He's very consistent and this allows me to plan for a future with him, and do the day-to-day stuff knowing that he won't throw a spanner in the works. Being able to plan and structure is very important to me, whereas it seems that for a lot of Feelers their emotions can dominate their lives.
I told him once not to worry, since my 'thinking' usually concludes with me discarding all the thoughts and deciding it's not worth thinking about.
Few days ago something happened that needed hard thinking (for me).
Again, yesterday he said not to think about it too much, and I realized. I'm thinking not to 'think', really, but to separate the debris of thoughts from what I really want/feel. Fi is close to the surface for ENFPs, (I am assuming) they need not to dig deep to know/name what they feel. Not so with ENTJs (not this one, anyway).
My Fi/ emotional wants-needs/ feelings are buried under debris of thoughts and practical concerns and '(most) logical course(s) of action', everything useful for day-to-day decision making but less relevant when you deal with emotions/personal relationships. It takes a bit while to excavate them. My 'thinking' is me getting rid of the 'thinking' part. The process is a pain, troublesome and it takes awhile so I avoid doing that unless I have to.
But I kind of have to.
If it is (you are) important enough, (I think/believe) your ENTJ will find a way to process and communicate their feelings. Especially when they recognize that it's important for you.
Last edited by Vanitas; 02-02-2016 at 09:10 PM.
What's one of your most awkward moments?