This is a discussion on Relationship Questions within the ENTJ Forum - The Executives forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by ENFPquestions He’s worth it. This is why I’m giving it one last try. If not, I’ll move ...
oh wow you've made such great points. Love this!
Just to clear up, there has been an 8 month gap since we dated. I was dating someone else during that time and he was aware of that. I asked to be friends after the first time the ENTJ and I called it quits, but he distanced himself from me at some point. He said we had tried it and it didn't work so he would not be in contact with me anymore.
But a couple of months after my break up, I came back to him and he was open to friendship. I didn't explicitly say I wanted to be friends with him, just to start over. Which he interpreted as friendship and so I accepted.
I like them and I would like to see where things go but I can't say "I'm in love with you"
This almost word for word was what he said when we were dating originally when I asked about his feelings. I thought it was a cop out and he was stringing me along, which is why we ended it. He said he was sure he would get there eventually, but for me that sounds like a fuckboy line, especially when everyone says ENTJs are so passionate and sure of what they want immediately.
Yes I am hard to read, but it is difficult for me to be vulnerable with him. I am trying actively now because I know he is worth it, but I am also scared. I think he is cautious of me, well he had previously told me this, because I am motivated by feelings and feelings are not facts.
How do I build up the trust again? Is it just time?
From his perspective you broke it off because he wasn't willing to give you the lip service you sought. You valued someone who would say sweet nothings over someone who was honest. That would come off as immature to me. Then again I've been told by my gf that I don't say super nice things often enough so take it with a grain of salt and also consider how important that trait is in a partner for you. One of things I love is a partner who knows that I like them and don't feel a need to get me to affirm it - they are confident that I like them.
Post break up you dated someone and it must have seemed rather serious if it went 8 months to him. The fact that he didn't want contact and you did would probably be confusing too. He likely felt hurt by what transpired which was why he sought distance, seeing someone you dated be with someone else isn't exactly a great time. I am sure he is interested in why you keep seeking him out after you broke it off and he declared distance was necessary. That is the dynamic I mentioned - as victims (which is a term no powerful type wants right?) we do like someone who displays a strong interest in us. The question in his mind is likely would you be willing to accept his feelings - he would like to see where it goes but he can't declare he loves you, he can't declare it would happen either... but would you be willing to accept that aspect of him. How strongly do you like him?
Victim - Wikisocion
When it comes to feelings I can't say I'd label ENTJs as highly sure of what they want. I personally question my feelings often and try to rationalize them. The thing I've learned is that feelings are not logical, that realization helped me understand myself better. Feelings are not binary, they can have many conflicting emotions attached. You can love someone and be disgusted with them at the same time.
Trust happens when you are open and honest with one another and your partner accepts you. One of the things I learned from my brief time selling insurance is that if you want someone to open up, you should open up first. Tell them about yourself and ask them about themselves.
Time is a huge factor of course, as the link I sent you stated: prone to initial doubts about intensity of own interest in another person and not always confident about revealing that interest, inclined to question whether or not the other person's interest will remain constant with time.
If you notice those are functions of time.
Last edited by NT the DC; 09-16-2019 at 09:11 PM.
Question: Should I forgive him and remain just friends? (Sorry this is long)
I'm an XNFP 6 sx/so and met an ENTJ 8 sp/sx mid June after messaging for a few weeks (met online) and we agreed to be FWB. Then we started going on dates, texting all day, and were very connected and affectionate with each other whenever possible. He was there for me when I needed him. He brought me medicine when I was sick, and offered to help me with stuff at home or my car frequently. The last time we saw each other was the end of July. We hung out at his place, but I declined to go run an errand with him and instead I left. I tried to keep our time limited to like 4 hours each time we hung out, but he always pushed this to us going on dates or wanting to do "coupley" type stuff. It felt amazing, cuddling him was like the same feeling as being in a warm shower- butterflies and warmth. The next week I needed help and he wouldn't come over, and didn't make plans with me that weekend. I wanted to know where I stood so I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he didn't want one and then he ghosted me, wouldn't even come and talk to me in person. I went through a deep depression and cried like everyday for a month straight. I realized I was in love with him. I never got an explanation until a few weeks ago. I messaged him first, asking him for another chance because I really liked him and hadn't met anyone I'd liked as much as him. The truth was he hooked up with someone else a few days after we last hung out. I know we were technically FWB, but he didn't own up to it at the time and just blew me off and at the time made it seem like it was because I wanted a serious relationship. When he told me the truth I was livid, I told him off. The girl he hooked up with gave him an STD and that's why he didn't make plans with me that following weekend. I told him he got what he deserved. I felt better knowing the truth at least. I did something similar when I first started seeing my last bf of 7 years and we also began as FWB. I can't exactly say I'm morally superior. After the argument he started to talk to me like everything was fine again, but I'm still upset. I don't even know if I have the right. His reason for wanting to be friends is that "We get along really well, and have good chemistry". Should I forgive him and remain just friends? Also what would compel an ENTj to decide a friendship is a good idea with someone after something like this?
Last edited by WindowLicker; 09-25-2019 at 12:44 AM.
Hi, I am not an ENTJ, but I would just advise you to be very careful with your heart and to create (and keep) some solid boundaries to avoid getting so hurt by someone who's obviously not committed to you. I understand that you agreed to the FWB situation but it seems that you get emotionally involved in such situations (which is really "normal", to be honest) so I would just encourage you to really find out what *you* want and not settle for less... Especially if you're an INFP. You're naturally wired for emotional intimacy and depth and physical closeness probably only triggers those deep longings in you (if you're anything like most INFPs, that is).
I wish you all the best, please take care of yourself.
First why start relationships establishing FWB? What is the real point?
I say call it what it is: I don't want to commit to a relationship with you at this point.
Then you can take it a step more specific: I know I'd never want a real relationship with you or I am open to a real relationship with you.
You clearly had the later in mind.
The thing that screams fucked up dynamic is that you didn't want to hang out with him more when he did.
Then you got hurt that he blew you off so you decided to tell him you want a real relationship.
You contradicted your intent because you felt vulnerable, you felt dismissed and disposable.
Now that he knows you're disposing of him, he comes clean about pseudo-cheating on you and getting an STD.
So basically he feels vulnerable and is trying to avoid being disposable.
It's a stupid power dynamic that is fueled by two people who can't even face up the fact that they have major issues being vulnerable so they want to seem totally distant emotionally to protect themselves from feeling hurt and are likely struggling with being with someone due to a moral dilemma.
You'll be happily miserable ever after in my opinion - work on yourself and be honest when you look in the mirror with what you want for yourself. Relationships are about honesty and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, not built on a foundation of BS.
Be done with this dude, he just wants to share his STD with you. You being prone to FWB are also playing with the same damaged deck of cards.
I have an update! Not positive unfortunately.
The next time we hung out (by his suggestion) we ended up going for drinks and to a party. As you can imagine there was a lot of flirting, we danced, we held hands we hugged etc. Before things crossed the line I asked what was happening with the other girl. if they were exclusive/serious or if it was heading that way. He said that yes it was heading to it.
I of course was completely turned off and walked away from him. He then told me it was best he left so I could digest what I had been told. We spoke for a bit before he left, and he ended up taking me home (because I was VERY drunk) and we spoke for 2 hours about the situation. He said he had thought he had been clear previously, that I was treating the situation too emotionally, he had already made a decision and he was sticking to it. He said I had been 6 months too late. He had had feelings for me when we were dating, but the time had passed.
I asked him to not contact anymore and he assured me that I was overreacting, this would blow over and we could resume as normal. Then on his way out to leave he kissed me again. He told me on his way out that he was glad that things didn't escalate to sex, because they could've very easily. I have since blocked him.
summary of my feelings:
* He was reckless to spend so much alone time with me, because eventually the situation could've led to sex or even cheating
* It was a horrible thing for him to be physical with me when he knew it would lead to nothing, after I had clearly stated I had feelings for him
* I am not hurt or heartbroken, just confused why the normally so together and focused ENTJ was behaving so messily, this is in no way what I would expect of him (I actually thought he was extremely principled)
@ENFPquestions - Well, I think only he would know for sure but maybe he just wanted to keep things open with you, but it's perfectly reasonable to not want to talk to him after he said he's falling for another girl. I think what you'll have to decide is whether you'll never talk to him again or if you want to make a clean break from him.