Here's the thing: I'm trying to identify what is happening to me in regards to something which I will now proceed to explain and provide context to. I have just haven't been able to give a name or clasify it, and im guessing some of you guys know what this is or what to call it so I can study it and get better at resolving it.
Before you ask apparently I am an ENTP. Took the test several times over a two year period and it always gives me the same answer. Also, I find a lot of similarities between all the descriptions and myself.
I basically feel like I can't be myself anymore with anyone. It's my fault, really, because I don't really want to be myself around the people I have right now and can't be bothered to meet new people, but I can't be completely alone, not for the long period of time I am imposing myself to be alone anyway.
Why am I imposing these shutdown on myself? Because I have a novel in the works, which requires a lot of time, energy and being on my own. The novel is fascinating as much as it's frustrating. Fascinating in the creative, imaginative, distracting myself because a I got a new idea in the middle of some other thing I was doing kind of way. Frustrating in the let's actually go to work and I don't always get inspiration so when that happens I end up frustated, drinking and/or smoking to get it, I hate myself every day I end up procrastinating (like right now), correcting it is a bitch ass boring job to get trough until I can get to actually changing it instead of just analyzing what is wrong kind of way.
So getting back to the initial point. I am always holding myself back with everyone and I hate, dislike, feel completely neutral or like but outgrow all the new people I come across. I always end up seeing something wrong with them. They usually are one of these three types:
1. Stupid, boring, empty minded, from reasonably big to gigantic ego, a lot of touchy feely feelings, easily offended but just as easily able to insult. You know the type.
2. Intelligent and stimulating at first but stubborn in their beliefs and impossible to debate with because they always end up using fallacies or circular logic (ie just las week: I ask a guy from my office why he likes to dress nicely just to go to work because i was interested in his reason. He says he just likes it. I ask him why he likes it and he says he just likes it, that who he is. I ask him why again and he repeats that that's just what he likes. We had these why, cause, why, cause conversation for a good twenty minutes until I gave up)
3. The best out of the three and the only people I get somewhat close to. Also intelligent and stimulating, fun to be around but we don't have that special click for this or that, which I ignore but it get's more and more annoying over time.
That's the friends aspect of my shutdown. The relationship aspect of my shutdown is that I have given up on it entirely. I now I don't have the time to put in a serious relationship, and everyone I meet ends up boring and annoying me, so for a year now (I have been working in my novel a year and a half) I am only in a strictly fling regimen, not even giving a chance for something more because it will be the same relationship and the same kind of girl over and over again. Also because as I said, if I get in a relationship I'll go all the way and that takes time that my novel requires right now.
The thing about this shutdown that I don't understand is that it's self-imposed but also I can't seem to return to my old self even if I try. My old self been more open, laughing more, not caring about anything, not living in my head all day and just trying to have a good, epic, story for the ages worthy time. Fuck, I can't even get myself excited about meeting new people and learning about all those little details about them that makes them different from everybody else and fascinating. Now im all about who is this person and in what way am I gonna dismiss them and put them in the let's be polite but no where near close to the point where I might actually care about what you say or think category. Or sometimes, but not often, in the mate or fling category but hey, let's not get serious about these because I have other things to think about.
My 40 hours a week job is a fucking nightmare, but I need to get paid at the end of the month. Just the typical office job (international road assistance for a big car insurance company) which requires of me and all my coleagues to think for ourselves but with the company mindset and at the same time we have to have our boss authorize every single action because we aren't allowed to think for ourselves. And the bosses act in the condescending corporate kind of fucked up way.
Last is how I am feeling right now. I hide my feelings away from myself and stay neutral yet I am always stressed out and feeling guilty for procrastinating. If I get a look at the feelings I avoid what i understand, because I don't understand a lot of what I am feeling anyway, or feelings in general, is that I would want a relationship and to fall in love and the excitement of it all but I am sure that there is no one for me out there. I hate myself and have a lot of insecurities but I learned a long time ago to manage that just avoiding the old overthinking and improvising a lot. The paralyzing self hatred comes from my childhood maternal physical and psychological abuse, so not much to analyze there. It's textbook insecurity.
So that's it. Theres your context. I hope this explains my circumstances well. My question, after this soliloquy, is why can't I return to my old self even if I try? Why can't I unshutdown myself no matter how hard I try? I tried to identify it but failed. Any thoughts?