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This is a discussion on Ask the ENTPs relationship questions within the ENTP Forum- The Visionaries forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; Originally Posted by superdooper When you do that, remember it's your anxiety, aka your problem, not hers. It's coming from ...

  1. #21
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by superdooper View Post
    When you do that, remember it's your anxiety, aka your problem, not hers. It's coming from your end and not from anything she's doing.


    Dude. You sound incredibly dependant!!!

    Seriously, you need to emotionally check out asap!
    I have a strange feeling your relationship with this ENTP sparks insecurities similar to the ones you had with your parents. Is this even remotely the case?

    Once i realised that my ENTP friend represented to me, everything my parents did, I could understand why she made me so anxious/so needy etc (my relationship with my parents makes me feel needy/anxious) and then I just stopped feeling so... inadequate/desperate, just like that.

    I really am not trying to insinuate anything, it's just a connection that you may want to explore. If not, okay fair enough, maybe it's not my place to say such a thing anyway.

    I did not get that impression. In fact, @BANE 's writing suggests to me that he is not at all dependent, because it suggests he feels he cannot meet such needs in a partner, should they desire it. It seems like a perfectly reasonable question to ask, ESPECIALLY if you tend towards being independent to begin with.

    That being said, it seems the answer he's looking for could be easily determined by simply observing the person in question. I mean, it's tough to hide such needs, you know?
    Perhaps, lovabie, _Leon_ and 18 others thanked this post.

  2. #22
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by superdooper View Post
    When you do that, remember it's your anxiety, aka your problem, not hers. It's coming from your end and not from anything she's doing.


    Dude. You sound incredibly dependant!!!

    Seriously, you need to emotionally check out asap!
    I have a strange feeling your relationship with this ENTP sparks insecurities similar to the ones you had with your parents. Is this even remotely the case?

    Once i realised that my ENTP friend represented everything my parents did, I realised why she made me so anxious/so needy etc and then I just stopped feeling so inadequate, just like that.

    I really am not trying to insinuate anything, it's just a connection that you may want to explore. If not, okay fair enough, maybe it's not my place to say such a thing anyway.
    No, no, your opinion is well taken and I appreciate it. No harm done.

    In truth, because of past loss of multiple family members in rather horrific ways, any notion of dependency is more likely rooted in over analyzation to ensure safety and consistent stability than in actual dependency. I like seeing everything in front of my face, knowing the rules of the game, and reacting accordingly—hence why I'm so inquisitive into nuances that likely don't matter on a more generalized level. I've learned to enjoy my alone time, and I'm actually fiercely independent (born from past loss and uncomfortableness attaching to anyone).

    I think I'm more asking because, since I rarely attach my emotions to anyone (and feel more comfortable attaching them to external efforts like philanthropy—where I can't be hurt directly), I want to ensure I fully comprehend the situation I'm in and the particular type of person I'm dating. In some respect, I realize my feelings can be a liability at times and so I want a fully developed picture so I can apply them more logically. Essentially, my thought process in asking the question I did follows the goal of perfecting my own reactions rather than any concern that I might lose my ENTP.

    Law school keeps me busy. Rather than asking "oh my God, will I lose this girl I'm with now if I don't react in (X) manner," I'm more asking "I know I'm going to be busy, but I also know I like her. Therefore, how might I react to my ENTP in such a way as to respect her individualized needs. Is she okay with me being MIA? Or do I need to make a concerted effort to attend to her?"

    It almost seems as if I assert thinking into my decision-making rather than feeling. In fact, my feeling response naturally occurs and I've learn to seek logic in order to better understand them and apply them.

    Crafty INFJ... =p
    Last edited by BANE; 01-06-2013 at 03:59 PM.

  3. #23
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Perhaps View Post
    Since you asked nicely, I have some questions.

    ENTPs:
    1. How important is it that your partner be able to match you (or keep you otherwise stimulated) on an intellectual level?
    Not very, as long as she is willing to listen to me and ask questions and put in an earnest effort then I'm fine. I'm used to satisfying my intellectual needs on my own anyways.

    2. Can this supersede physical attractiveness?
    No, this would just make her a friend to talk to in my mind. Without lust and attraction (which for me is quite a bit physical) there can't really be a romantic relationship in order to develop; would never get off of the ground in that direction.

    3. Do you consider type when dating (or, if you haven't, would you in the future)?
    Not really, however, I tend to try and distance myself from Si types in general though. But, if a person is well adjusted and doesn't try to control me then I'm willing to give just about anyone a chance as long as I'm attracted to them.
    4. Do you look to your partners to meet many of your emotional needs? Why or why not?
    Yes. My emotional needs mostly involve contact. It can be as simple as hugging or sitting next to each other or as extravagant as sex itself. So yes, I do look to my partner for emotional needs... just hold my hand or something and I'll be fine lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by INFJigsaw View Post

    What do ENTPs think of having an SO that is a bit 'feisty'?

    Now this word can be interpreted in different ways so I'll give you an example of what I mean.

    Say your SO felt strongly about a cause. To give a random example, let's say it was 'protecting the environment'. Now say they got involved in local politics and started speaking at public meetings, arguing vehemently for their cause in front of a lot of people and arguing and disagreeing strongly (perhaps even getting a bit 'emotional') with those that wanted to harm the environment.

    Would this sort of behaviour embarrass you? Would you tolerate it but find it irritating? Would you admire it? Would it put you off her/ him or would it impress? Or perhaps you would be pretty neutral about it. Would love to know your views on this.

    Thanks :)
    I would be somewhat impressed. Not a lot of people can stand up for something like that. So, as long as her passion is about something that I can empathize with and can see why it is important and all of that, then it wouldn't be much of a problem. I would even be willing to help her in her endeavors.

    Now, if she started trying to control me if I didn't match up to her standards, then we'd have a problem. If I respect you and your mindset then respect me and mine is all I ask.

    For instance, in your example, if we were to get together and she was doing that and wanted to make some changes around the house, sure, let's do it and reduce our carbon footprint and whatnot. But, if she wants to give up my earthly comforts and live in a shack it's a no go, one of us is out the door after that.
    Perhaps, INFJigsaw and PhilosophyMe thanked this post.

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  5. #24
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Zadriela View Post
    I did not get that impression. In fact, Bane's writing suggests to me that he is not at all dependent, because it suggests he feels he cannot meet such needs in a partner, should they desire it. It seems like a perfectly reasonable question to ask, ESPECIALLY if you tend towards being independent to begin with.

    That being said, it seems the answer he's looking for could be easily determined by simply observing the person in question. I mean, it's tough to hide such needs, you know?
    Fair point. My observation of her tells me she is comfortable with not having consistent attention, but I also respect her ability to get bored easily and/or jump to the more pressing novel attraction. Thus, my question was more rooted in whether or not I need to compensate to prevent boredom or novel attraction jumping despite her apparent disposition for indeterminate attention. =)
    AskEmbla and lookoutkid thanked this post.

  6. #25
    INFJ - The Protectors

    @BANE

    Oh, ok. I got the impression the post I was referring to was asking purely about amount of interaction/attention vs preventing boredom, but I see what you're getting at, now.

  7. #26
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Zadriela View Post
    I did not get that impression. In fact, @BANE 's writing suggests to me that he is not at all dependent, because it suggests he feels he cannot meet such needs in a partner, should they desire it. It seems like a perfectly reasonable question to ask, ESPECIALLY if you tend towards being independent to begin with.

    That being said, it seems the answer he's looking for could be easily determined by simply observing the person in question. I mean, it's tough to hide such needs, you know?
    That is the fastest route to a dependance/needy spiral, well it has been for me anyway. The more you give yourself to meeting someone else's needs, the more you have to ignore your own.

    Think about it: if you feel like you don't meet someone's needs, it's almost akin to saying "I am not good enough", well that was the resulting message for me in my head anyway, like I said. I had to go away and figure out (the hard way) that me not meeting someone's needs [after trying really hard] doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with me, so maybe I don't need to keep trying at the expense of losing bits of myself, maybe we're just not a good match for each other.

    The fact he's already really worrying about it is telling, she hasn't even hinted this yet and he's already taking precautions.
    Sedem thanked this post.

  8. #27
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by BANE View Post
    No, no, your opinion is well taken and I appreciate it. No harm done.

    In truth, because of past loss of multiple family members in rather horrific ways, any notion of dependency is more likely rooted in over analyzation to ensure safety and consistent stability than in actual dependency.
    Yeah, you still sound anxiously attached aka easily dependant becasue that is a textbook anxiously attached answer. Notice I didn't say needy, I said dependant. You should read up on it on this book called "Attached" [I downloaded it online, but you may want to buy it too, which I also did].

    You want to ensure safety and consistency at the expense of your own personal needs it seems because otherwise why would you keep asking if it's okay for you to be you?

    The way I am reading this is: she may want you to spend more time with her than you are willing/can afford to.

    So are you asking: how do I do this and not lose her? When I am saying it's better to ask: How do I tell her that this isn't me so as not to lose parts of me?n [the option of compromise is available here]

    To me you are definitely asking the former and not the latter and that is especially telling in this response:

    but I also respect her ability to get bored easily and/or jump to the more pressing novel attraction. Thus, my question was more rooted in whether or not I need to compensate to prevent boredom or novel attraction jumping despite her apparent disposition for indeterminate attention. =)
    The reason I am advising against doing such a thing is because it is the fastest way to being dependant: the second you compromise or "compensate" even a teeny bit of yourself in order to meet someone else's needs the more likely you are to do it in the future and keep doing it until you become dependant on that other person.

    You shouldn't have to give up your needs to meet someone else's. You should give up wants yeah sure, but not needs. Ever. Those things are precious and take it from me, once they are gone you become a shadow of your former independent self and it'll take a really long time before you recover.

  9. #28
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by superdooper View Post
    Yeah, you still sound anxiously attached. That is a textbook anxiously attached answer. You should read up on it on this book called "Attached" [I downloaded it online, but you may want to buy it too, which I also did].

    You want to ensure safety and consistency at the expense of your own personal wants it seems because otherwise why would you keep asking if it's okay for you to be you?

    The way I am reading this is: she may want you to spend more time with her than you are willing/can afford to.

    So you are asking: how do I do this? When I am saying it's better to ask: How do I tell her that this isn't me and not lose her?
    There is a subtle distinction with the way I think, however. I'm not necessarily stretching myself to a point where I feel I wouldn't be "me." Dependency suggests I fear losing what I have and therefore will stretch myself beyond recognition to keep it; I don't, and I wouldn't. Rather, I've come to appreciate the notion that some measured level of accommodation is necessary for a healthy relationship. So, I am simply asking to what extent an ENTP needs attention so that I can fairly gauge the situation and my capacity to be in it.

    I'm confident I can keep what I have going, I just want to understand the ENTP thought process better so I can efficiently accommodate rather than trying to guess at it. So, the question was more a generalization of whether ENTPs are ultra loners, needy, or somewhere in the middle, when it comes to wanting attention based on their novelty-seeking tendency and ability to jump around to the "next big thing."

    As they say, knowledge is power. Seeking knowledge does not beget dependency, at least in my mind. Though, I certainly appreciate your viewpoint superdooper and will take it into consideration nonetheless.
    DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 19 others thanked this post.

  10. #29

    Bane,
    Let me try my thoughts on this again.

    If you can beat your jealousy down, the two of you are doomed.

    You need to figure out if you can accept, and love her as she is. without effort. And a HUGE thing for her is the need to see other things.
    You will never provide all the stimulation she needs. Are you happy for her she will be different, and uncontrollable, and lovely, and out talking with others while you are studying and working?
    DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 16 others thanked this post.

  11. #30
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by BANE View Post
    So, I am simply asking to what extent an ENTP needs attention so that I can fairly gauge the situation and my capacity to be in it..
    Attention? Not much. I'd go so far as to say that giving attention as such isn't an issue at all, keeping it can be. How hard to keep said attention probably depends on your entps age range, as Si grows, we start to actually deal with cofortable patterns better.
    TuRpEnTiNe thanked this post.


     
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