[ENTP] intj trying to get an entp to respect her boundaries. any suggestions?

intj trying to get an entp to respect her boundaries. any suggestions?

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This is a discussion on intj trying to get an entp to respect her boundaries. any suggestions? within the ENTP Forum- The Visionaries forums, part of the NT's Temperament Forum- The Intellects category; hello i am new here and wanted to get some insight on an entp i know. we get along very ...

  1. #1
    INTJ - The Scientists

    intj trying to get an entp to respect her boundaries. any suggestions?

    hello i am new here and wanted to get some insight on an entp i know.

    we get along very well, but an area of contention for me is his inability to respect my boundaries. there are certain things i'd prefer he not share with others. His rationalization is that everything is fair game. i guess i'm not in his "inner circle" enough for him to take the extra step to stop and think before talking...?

    my question is, what can i say/do to make him respect these boundaries? i really appreciate any advice and suggestions you all may have. thank you!
    Last edited by Scruffy; 02-19-2012 at 03:23 PM.
    Berdudget thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Next time, do the same thing, but bring up something relatively benign just so he'll understand where his boundaries should be. Kind of like a little shock collar just so he gets the message. I agree that it's highly improper for him to feed his ego at your own expense.

    However, there's a question that should also be answered: are you sleeping with him? If so, then the dynamic changes. He's just flirting around and probably doesn't mean any harm. He does it because he wants to tell the world how close he is with you.

  3. #3
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Okay first off I'd say he probably does think before he speaks. Private matters is just not one of the things he thinks about. I have almost no filter for privacy when I'm talking in public, or in my decision making process, or in my research. I'm sure he doesn't intend to out your personal xyz, but I'd be willing to bet his thought --> speak function doesn't have a privacy filter either. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with being in his inner circle or not. It's more a matter of his personal priorities. I'd say your most effective method to repair this issue is that if he's demonstrated the inability to refrain from sharing xyz, that you should probably give up on trying to get him to, and just stop letting him in on xyz.
    Berdudget thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    I let things slip without thinking sometimes, mainly because I personally am an open book most of the time and forget that what I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, you might want to be kept secret. There's also the fact that sometimes people tell me things and I can't work out if what they're telling me is something they specifically want kept a secret. But if you say 'don't tell this to anyone', I'll usually remember and keep my mouth zipped.

    I have some ENTP friends who like to tell other people's secrets too. When I confide in them, I tell them 'Please don't tell anyone' and they don't. They believe that if you don't tell them not to say anything, how are they supposed to know what's free game and what isn't?

    I think it's a bit of a dickish move to tell people your secrets after you've expressly told him not to. I have a friend who did this once because he thought he was doing me a favour. I was so mad! Not because he did it, or because of the result, but because I'd asked him not to and he still did it. I would stop telling him things, or ignore him for x amount of time next time he does it in punishment. ENTPs sure do hate being ignored XD.

  6. #5
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    oh so true

  7. #6
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    i have the same problems with my INFJ... i think it might be an I-J/E-P conflict there.

    it really has nothing to do with respect and all to do with how difficult it is to understand: whenever trying to explain something you have an issue with to someone who doesn't have the same fundemental instinct behind that issue, it requires taking a big step back and understanding what your really going through without any assumptions, and forming an explenation based on that.

    you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him.
    Maura thanked this post.

  8. #7
    INTJ - The Scientists

    hello all thank you for your replies. i'll try to respond to you the best i can ...


    "However, there's a question that should also be answered: are you sleeping with him?"
    no. he's taken. i don't "like" him like that anyways. nor does he like me like that.

    "but I'd be willing to bet his thought --> speak function doesn't have a privacy filter either."
    yes, that is very true. he has often mentioned his lack of brain-mouth filter.

    i also don't get why did he bother apologizing (which was or at least seemed very sincere i mean, he really looked worried that he crossed the line and wanted to make up for it) if he is just going to repeat the offending behavior?

    if i ignore him will that get the point across well? he does such a good job pulling me out of my shell that i really have to go out of my way to avoid him (otherwise he just sucks me in! damn you, entp!) so it would seem like a drastic night and day difference if i go that route.

    i will try to bring up the "benign" dirt on him in a public setting too, tho eye for an eye seems so childish to me. but this intj can play mean if pushed too far!

    again, thank you all!
    Berdudget thanked this post.

  9. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    sorry im' such a forum-posting noob. i have no idea how to quote.

    "you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him."

    yes, i've treid that to which he responds i'm being too emotional. i'm having trouble explaining logically (in a way he will understand) why i am NOT being emotional. anyone whose boundaries are crossed will become emotional/irrational.
    Berdudget thanked this post.

  10. #9
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    @iamanintj ,

    No worries! Lots of people start off not knowing, but it's really easy. There are two ways to quote or get someone's attention. The first is quoting them directly. Just click the 'Reply with Quote' button on the bottom right of their post. The second is typing their name with an @ symbol in front. It will automatically link to them and send them a notification saying you mentioned them. No special code required!

    /kindaofftopic
    traceur thanked this post.

  11. #10
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    Quote Originally Posted by iamanintj View Post
    sorry im' such a forum-posting noob. i have no idea how to quote.
    its the little comics-style speech bubble in the corner. really useful here because people get elerted when they are quoted.

    edit: thanks @Xee i wasn't aware of how to use the mention option either.
    Quote Originally Posted by iamanintj View Post
    "you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him."

    yes, i've treid that to which he responds i'm being too emotional. i'm having trouble explaining logically (in a way he will understand) why i am NOT being emotional. anyone whose boundaries are crossed will become emotional/irrational.
    but he doesn't have these boundaries, most likely he barely has any boundaries. he doesn't empathise emotionally with how it feels for people to have their boundary crossed because unless he has a really bad uncle in his childhood its very possible that he never expirienced his bounaries being cossed himself.

    if you had to explain to a bird the concept of a roadblock, what would you do? you would need to throw away all your assumptions behind your semantics, not use anything like the word 'road' in which you can't change your flight path because the bird would be clueless about it, and instead go to the basic of explaining the reality in which you live in - you'd ask our theoretically intelectually capable bird to imagine a 2D surface with a ceiling which is about that bird's own height and limits the capacity to go over things, the requirements different birds in that environment would have to pass obstacles, to not block each other's path, etc...

    so you need to go back to the reasons you have boundaries. what is it about your internal reality that requires them, why they are important to you, what's their practical value, etc...

    for example i was very frustrated when my I--J wife had social awareness regarding what affection we're allowed to have outside in canada (which is apearently limited to mini kisses and holding hands like it's bloody kinder garden), and then she explained to me that she's afraid other people would consider her a slut, and i explained to her that it doesn't matter and doesn't have any substential social consequances that are likely to affect our lives, and she explained to me why it makes sense that she will have a strong enthropological need to be socially accepted, and i agreed with her eveluation of her evolution.

    try something like that.
    Berdudget and Maura thanked this post.


     
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