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Abusive ESFJ Mother

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This is a discussion on Abusive ESFJ Mother within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by debugger How are you doing caregivers? The reason i`m opening this thread is that i have an ...

  1. #11
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by debugger View Post
    How are you doing caregivers?

    The reason i`m opening this thread is that i have an abusive ESFJ mother (I made her take the test) and she has been trying to destroy my free-will and self-confidence all the time.

    The things she does:

    1 - She tries to control me

    She always tries to guilt trip me like "you are such a psycho for making me feel this bad" and when i tell her that she is being too sensitive she just starts going into rage mode (and i just get up and go to my room and lock the door not talking to her again for days).She always tells me what i should do,What i should wear,I should be more sensitive etc.) and when i tell her that i dont value emotional decisions but i undersand her she just flips off (seriously do ESFJ`s have a sense of self-awareness?) and she is never tired of making drama and trying to get everyone to switch to her side.

    We were discussing about improvements she could make to her room and she just said jokingly "did you find my dildo or something?" (WTF?!) i told her that i`m not comfortable talking about her sex toys and she just started screaming at me "why are you being so mean?why are you so blah blah blah"

    2 - She made my sister go against me

    My sister being the ENFJ she always tries to suck up to her,make her feel like she`s in control etc.I had a long talk with her about how important is her freedom and gave her logical (and quasi-emotional) reasons why she should draw boundaries to the control my mom has over her.I`ve always cared my sister and protected her through my childhood and now my sister doesn`t want me to talk to her anymore because i upset her dear mother.I must admit i felt betrayed as i tried my entire life to keep her away from the emotional abuse my mother provokes on her.


    3 - She gives people she barely knows big amounts of money to make herself look like someone important

    My step-father`s family is full of ex-robbers and simple beggers and my mom just circles these lazy bums around her and sweet-talk to them,then gives them at least 50-100 dollars after the bums tell her how great she is,how nice she is,how beautiful she is etc (she is simply paying people to give her validation)



    1 week ago i just couldn`t keep my emotions inside me anymore (after all these years of being beaten up and told off) and what i did was just go up to her and tell her that she has failed as a mother and a protector (being separated from my dad my mom is the only one that gives us food,clothes etc.) and i `cant stand her incompetence anymore.All she did was lose huge amounts of money while being pricked by others for money and doing her best to feel like she has control over us.

    When i tell her that i love her (which comes out in an awkward voice) she just tells me that i`m lying.

    Now the question:

    How do i keep her away from me and my children (when i`ll have) as i move out?

    Is there any chance i might make her less abusive and more loving?(the only way i can continue talking to her.)
    All I can say is that you need to gtfo! My esfj mom is just as crazy but in different ways and is extremely bad too. Soon I'll be living with my istj dad so I can live the life I want to live!
    FlowerChild, Elistra, Golden Rose and 14 others thanked this post.

  2. #12
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by INTJellectual View Post
    Thanks to these links. I'm gonna find and buy those in bookstore.

    Hahaha! I checked out "Emotional Blackmail" at the local library many years ago, when I was still in high school. When my stepfather at the time tried to use his typical bullshit arguments against me, I just threw the book and every logical argument in it at him. He didn't take it very well.

  3. #13
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by debugger View Post
    How are you doing caregivers?

    The reason i`m opening this thread is that i have an abusive ESFJ mother (I made her take the test) and she has been trying to destroy my free-will and self-confidence all the time.

    The things she does:

    1 - She tries to control me

    She always tries to guilt trip me like "you are such a psycho for making me feel this bad" and when i tell her that she is being too sensitive she just starts going into rage mode (and i just get up and go to my room and lock the door not talking to her again for days).She always tells me what i should do,What i should wear,I should be more sensitive etc.) and when i tell her that i dont value emotional decisions but i undersand her she just flips off (seriously do ESFJ`s have a sense of self-awareness?) and she is never tired of making drama and trying to get everyone to switch to her side.

    Now the question:

    How do i keep her away from me and my children (when i`ll have) as i move out?

    Is there any chance i might make her less abusive and more loving?(the only way i can continue talking to her.)
    My ESFJ mother is exactly the same way and I know how frustrating it can be. I'm an ESFJ myself and I can hardly stand it sometimes. Appearance is everything to an ESFJ, and this applies to people who are associated with them. My mom will tell me what to wear and if she doesn't like what I'm wearing, will constantly tell me how terrible I look in order for me to change into what she wants me to wear. She'll even try to stop me from leaving the house in the clothes I chose. Or she'll constantly put me down about my weight, telling me I can't eat certain things if I want to stay pretty. Nothing more nightmarish than an unhealthy ESFJ mother..

    First, you have to understand that she does love you, despite all the controlling behavior and emotional abuse. It's a case of motherly love run amok. She believes she knows best, tries to prevent you from making what she sees are "mistakes", and will try to do this by any means necessary. I'm still not 100% sure how to deal with it. Sometimes when I tell her exactly how bad her words can make me feel, and that she's doing serious emotional damage, she has backed off before and even apologized later after taking some time to reflect on her actions. I think in the moment, they aren't even fully aware of what they're saying, since their only goal is to make you agree with them. Tell her exactly what things she said made you upset. ESFJs are not good with logical arguments; instead, try to help her see the emotional reasoning behind why you're upset. I really hope that helps.
    Praesepe thanked this post.

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  5. #14
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    My mom is pretty similar to yours, but hasn't been abusive in years. The only thing that worked was relating how I felt about the things she did and said to something that mattered to her, like religion. ( Like, I really don't think this is very Christ like etc.) But even that would only last so long. So my advice is to do everything within your power to become financially independent and then get the hell out.

    Now that I think about it, my mother in law sounds like a carbon copy of your mom. She would control my husband's eating habits, his clothes, what he could watch/ listen to, who could speak to ( even banning him from talking to his other siblings) and would blame it all on being a good parent. She'd then either get physical or go off on tangents about how poor and misunderstood she was. So when my husband left, he only visited her once after and hasn't talked to her in many years. She got to see our son once, but immediately latched on to him and started trying to control him and myself. Even going so far as to trying to forcefully move me out of my home and in to hers so she could 'take care' of me.

    So again, plan and save so you can get out and then live your life on your terms. If she doesn't change her ways she doesn't need to be around you or your children. No one has a *right* to force their shit on family, especially children and grandchildren so don't feel bad that she's 'missing out'. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I hope you can keep it cool until you can be free.
    Kebachi, Kebachi, Kebachi and 4 others thanked this post.

  6. #15
    INFP - The Idealists


    All you need is: "Mom, please let me do this my way. I am OLD enough now."

    I think you seemed to be struggling in the stage whereby you want that bit of independence of adulthood to that of the childhood period. I mean, you can make it work. Remind her your age. Just keep reminding her that it is indeed your perogative to learn and do things your way now. Especially whereby personal dress sense, hygiene, and how your room is kept etc.

    I have to say, I did not wanted to sound mean, or I read your thread and I chuckled a little bit... :)
    Maybe your mother is being overbearing a little bit, in her own F way.

    Well, one thing you can try and make her learn is, whenever she is about to make a critical judgement of sorts, then keep silence and walk away. Doing this will activate her S side, cos it is a deliberate action and she can see that something she said offended you. To keep a bit of respect, then just say politely "I am going to my room now". I threw this one on you cos I saw this from my INTJ brother-in-law did to my ESTJ mom! lol.... (And I thought to myself, heck, I wish I knew this trick when I was a kid with my own mom. Then not to make matter worst, I just soothed the atmosphere with my mom, cos I said to her that she should give him room cos he had not slept and was in the emergency room with my sister where she just gave birth! She was so much more understanding then. He was absolutely tired out basically.) Being an INFP myself, I find my INTJ great company. Though he did mentioned that I am dramatic here and there, and I try to hide this and get rid of as much of my emotions in my own personal time as I can. I think you need to maybe start to find your own balance now as well. Your own unique style to communicate with feelers. My ESFJ sister thought that my INTJ brother in law's silence is attractive ! lol.... His own words were "self preservation". :)

    I would encourage you to say less to your mother. Cos some of the words you came out with was very harsh to someone who is born with unconditional emotions. You may not know one thing, but when you are so close to somebody, your whole body and emotions is almost heightened and they cannot help but to protect you. It's like oxytocin, whatever chemicals exist inside of your body and you cannot help but feel alert, heightened awareness etc. For SJs, dressing in a way or to display and portray yourself in a certain way, means to fend off attackers sometimes. They want you to use clothes to demand respect sometimes. They use visual awareness a lot. I see my sister now grooming my baby nephew a lot, but she also checks every safety mark and standard in every item she buys. She also checks for a lot of body marks each day to ensure she is okay. It is her way to make sure he is alright and she is doing something right in feeding him and growing him etc. You can maybe say sometimes to her, "I want to wear this because it reflects my personality." I think over time, they will understand that they are being too controlling...
    Zombie Devil Duckie thanked this post.

  7. #16
    ENTJ - The Executives

    Emotional arguments don't really work either. I've told my mom (ESFJ) that I "feel" this way and she ignores it if she doesn't like it. Then she twists words into how she interprets them. It drives me insane. My advice is pick your battles and walk away. You can't change other people. It is what it is.

  8. #17
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by elissabowden View Post
    Emotional arguments don't really work either. I've told my mom (ESFJ) that I "feel" this way and she ignores it if she doesn't like it. Then she twists words into how she interprets them. It drives me insane. My advice is pick your battles and walk away. You can't change other people. It is what it is.

    The same damn thing with me and my mom. It's funny how she makes it a point to express herself while crushing any divergent opinion contrary to hers. Emotional appeals don't work (I don't care about how you feel if it disturbs my feelings), logical arguments certainly don't work, appeal to reality doesn't work, nothing works other than saying "No matter how wrong you are, you're absolutely, unequivocally right about everything." Then accommodate them and emotionally validate them at every turn, while your will to live and sanity diminishes. There's a reason why the "Why do people dislike ESFJs" thread is over 20 pages long.
    FlowerChild, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 51 others thanked this post.

  9. #18
    ENTJ - The Executives

    Quote Originally Posted by Brel View Post

    The same damn thing with me and my mom. It's funny how she makes it a point to express herself while crushing any divergent opinion contrary to hers. Emotional appeals don't work (I don't care about how you feel if it disturbs my feelings), logical arguments certainly don't work, appeal to reality doesn't work, nothing works other than saying "No matter how wrong you are, you're absolutely, unequivocally right about everything." Then accommodate them and emotionally validate them at every turn, while your will to live and sanity diminishes. There's a reason why the "Why do people dislike ESFJs" thread is over 20 pages long.
    Agreed. In fact, this trait is how I can spot an ESFJ anywhere. That and the flashy clothing. The thing is about the ESFJ is what they hate the most in the entire world is to feel badly in any way. Usually I try to get what I can out of pissing them off more once they are because there isn't a way to fix it. But what I have realized is that my mom is never wrong. Ever. Once she ran over a rabbit with her car. Was she wrong? No. The rabbit welcomed death. She just helped it. Because that's what she deos. She helps things into their natural process.
    DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 19 others thanked this post.

  10. #19
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by elissabowden View Post
    Once she ran over a rabbit with her car. Was she wrong? No.
    Yep. Never wrong, she's the mom and we all know that parents never make mistakes. *whistles to self*

  11. #20
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    greed. In fact, this trait is how I can spot an ESFJ anywhere. That and the flashy clothing.
    I wear lots of black, dark green and generally solid's.

    Also, how do you know she's not:

    ENTJ
    ESTJ
    ENFJ

    You can't just "look" at someone and determine their personality, and like many others, you are cramming the stereotyped "mom" into the ESFJ personality type. According to Myers-Briggs statistics, only 13% of the population is ESFJ, and of that 13% you have to break it down between male and female. That number doesn't leave a lot of "ESFJ" mothers. As a young person you barely have control over your own emotions. How can look into someone else and determine if they are sensing/intuition and thinking/feeling?

    There will (hopefully) be a day later on in your life, when you look back and see that she wasn't as crazy as you thought


    -ZDD


     
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