This is a discussion on Abusive ESFJ Mother within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Zombie Devil Duckie Hi there, I mean you no personal disrespect (I often have to lead with ...
1. You don't know me or how much control over my emotions I have. That point is invalid.
2. Where am I stereotyping "moms" as ESFJs?
3. She's my mother. I see her everyday and have delt with her in numerous situations. I think I can tell if she's S/N or T/F. But thanks for defending her.
She also took the test and each time ended with ESFJ, high Fe.
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one with a very emotionally abusive ESFJ mother!! Not that it helps me in my situation, but it's a nice sense of solidarity.
My mom has always seen me as a "bad kid" and makes it known how embarrassed she is by my behavior. I was drugged up for several years for bipolar, where she would use it as fuel to hurt me, saying things like "go take your meds" if I was expressing negative emotions. And when I quit the meds (I was not bipolar), she got furious. She even got my sisters in to the game, where they would blackmail me and say things like "you get away with everything because you have PROBLEMS".
Even now, at 27, living on my own, physically and financially independent, she still has a tight grip on me emotionally. She tries to control me and say cruel things to me, but all under the guise of advice and the loving mother. To the point where she has scared my boyfriend into taking me to IKEA before he meets them in 2 weeks. The minute she found out he had a car anytime I talked to her she would ask if he had taken me to IKEA yet to get the TV stand I had been needing since December. I don't get what her problem is, it's my apartment, and I will get there and get it when I get there!! I really think she's embarrassed to bring her constant entourage of visitors to NYC (since of course she has all her friends and they think they have free lodging in Manhattan with me.....and she doesn't ask to stay, she says I hope you're free this certain week because I'm coming with so-and-so, oh and then I'm going to be there the following month with this person) and have them see my haphazard apartment with the TV sitting on two plastic milk crates. It was so bad my boyfriend even joked after he took me to IKEA, well you can break up with me now, you've gotten everything you want out of this relationship!! And while I know he's teasing, it breaks my heart that he felt he had to do this to please my dysfunctional family he's never met just so they don't hate him.
My feelings/emotions are unimportant and disregarded, especially if they are expressed outwardly. She is passive-aggressive and has tried to side my sisters and I up against our dad, telling us nasty things about him and encouraged us to treat him badly - it's only now that I have moved out that I realize that my dad is actually the victim in the situation and while he doesn't express his feelings or show affection, he cares about us deeply. She was obsessed with how others saw her, and went so far as threatening me if I were to reveal things about our family, because she did not want her perfect little nuclear family illusion ruined. My parents haven't slept in the same room in 20+ years (they have only been married 23 years....he is not my biological father, but that's what she tries to hide by any and all means necessary), and it's essentially a financial union, but she is determined that everyone sees this perfect little family with a nice house, nice clothes, nice vacations, etc. Sometimes I think she tries to buy our love.
The hardest part is that all I have learned is these passive-aggressive and manipulative behaviors, that the only way I can get what I want is to manipulate people and if I don't get what I want or I have to do something I don't want to do act passive-aggressive so everyone knows how I feel. Because talking about feelings/emotions is bad. Having feelings/emotions is bad. And I'm wrong. And I'm bad.
Oh, and I'm in therapy. And I wonder if I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life because my mom has screwed me up so badly, that my view of relationships is so dysfunctional, that I have no clue what to do in a healthy one.
How does one emotionally break free from this toxicity??
I love my mom, I really do. She does have good qualities, and I know that she loves me. But if anyone were to confront her that she has damaged us in any way, she would go ballistic and completely shut down and reject the idea. She is always right. And self-righteous. And she really thinks she is being loving and actually giving advice. How do you break free from this, when the person who is doing it has absolutely no self-awareness to realize what they are doing???
Yes, I did.. Can you point it out please?You may have missed the part where the OP mentioned his mother not only physically assaulting him, but other children as well. That alone is bad enough.
(disregard, I need reading comprehension lessons, lol)
I'll just say "wow, that sucks, sorry", since folks here are looking for a fight. I wish you the best with resolving it.
as an xnfp (enfp/infp) i feel you pain my mom is an emotional auser im 24 and have aspergers (also mtf trans but another story for another time. and i still live at home..( idk how to drive tho i did get my learners permit lol). anyway my mom is esfj and is so bad for my health then my dad is an istj so i get fucked no matter what
but yeah my mom is always throwing little digs/jabs at me when we talk i get into lose lose situations with her and any time i try to do soemthing that weird to her like express my gender to relive some of my dysphoria and goes back to what about me and my image...
any how i know how you feel and i hope that one day your over come your bad mother
ps i read the toxic parents one they have a pdf out there if ant one needs it..
So, WHY is the dynamic that happens with ESFJ mothers? Do ENSJ men behave this way? Asking because I don't know any. My MIL is ESFJ and the OP nailed her dynamic with her kids and their spouses. I am the only spouse that has escaped her....THE ONLY ONE. I don't understand why there is a problem between the INTJ/ESFJ. I personally get along with my mother in law NOW....after holding my ground for several years and proving myself with action AND getting her approval through my HUSBAND. My husband value's me and she knows that, she see's he is happy and I DO a good job...mother in law approved of taking care of him...health, relationship, cooperating on financial decisions, ect. She doesn't understand me, she doesn't always like me but she approves of me, so with boundaries...WE WORK JUST FINE.
I am sad the ESFJ gets the bad rap on this and I understand why they do, however, I think all types have there control issues and it goes both ways. Both parties have to give and both parties have learn to respect each other.
I am INTJ...in most instances I do not give a FUCK...but I really don't understand why the 2 types...especially when the ESFJ is female can not get along. TIME TO GET OVER IT PEOPLE.