[ESFJ] Abusive ESFJ Mother

Abusive ESFJ Mother

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This is a discussion on Abusive ESFJ Mother within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; How are you doing caregivers? The reason i`m opening this thread is that i have an abusive ESFJ mother (I ...

  1. #1
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Abusive ESFJ Mother

    How are you doing caregivers?

    The reason i`m opening this thread is that i have an abusive ESFJ mother (I made her take the test) and she has been trying to destroy my free-will and self-confidence all the time.

    The things she does:

    1 - She tries to control me

    She always tries to guilt trip me like "you are such a psycho for making me feel this bad" and when i tell her that she is being too sensitive she just starts going into rage mode (and i just get up and go to my room and lock the door not talking to her again for days).She always tells me what i should do,What i should wear,I should be more sensitive etc.) and when i tell her that i dont value emotional decisions but i undersand her she just flips off (seriously do ESFJ`s have a sense of self-awareness?) and she is never tired of making drama and trying to get everyone to switch to her side.

    We were discussing about improvements she could make to her room and she just said jokingly "did you find my dildo or something?" (WTF?!) i told her that i`m not comfortable talking about her sex toys and she just started screaming at me "why are you being so mean?why are you so blah blah blah"

    2 - She made my sister go against me

    My sister being the ENFJ she always tries to suck up to her,make her feel like she`s in control etc.I had a long talk with her about how important is her freedom and gave her logical (and quasi-emotional) reasons why she should draw boundaries to the control my mom has over her.I`ve always cared my sister and protected her through my childhood and now my sister doesn`t want me to talk to her anymore because i upset her dear mother.I must admit i felt betrayed as i tried my entire life to keep her away from the emotional abuse my mother provokes on her.


    3 - She gives people she barely knows big amounts of money to make herself look like someone important

    My step-father`s family is full of ex-robbers and simple beggers and my mom just circles these lazy bums around her and sweet-talk to them,then gives them at least 50-100 dollars after the bums tell her how great she is,how nice she is,how beautiful she is etc (she is simply paying people to give her validation)



    1 week ago i just couldn`t keep my emotions inside me anymore (after all these years of being beaten up and told off) and what i did was just go up to her and tell her that she has failed as a mother and a protector (being separated from my dad my mom is the only one that gives us food,clothes etc.) and i `cant stand her incompetence anymore.All she did was lose huge amounts of money while being pricked by others for money and doing her best to feel like she has control over us.

    When i tell her that i love her (which comes out in an awkward voice) she just tells me that i`m lying.

    Now the question:

    How do i keep her away from me and my children (when i`ll have) as i move out?

    Is there any chance i might make her less abusive and more loving?(the only way i can continue talking to her.)



  2. #2
    Unknown Personality

    I'm guessing that you're still fairly young, but denying your future children to meet their grandmother is very selfish, your children has nothing to do with your personal dispute with your mother.

  3. #3
    INTJ - The Scientists

    denying your future children to meet their grandmother is very selfish


    if that means that they`ll grow emotionally healthy,then i`d be happy to be salfish.

    I want to protect them from her mental and psyhical abuse.I remember our neighboor leaving their kids for like 3 days at my mothers care and she simply beat the shit out of them.I know she won`t be able to control herself.
    dagnytaggart, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 97 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    You need to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward
    Amazon.com: Toxic Parents (9780553814828): Susan Forward: Books

    And I also suggest reading "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward
    Amazon.com: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (9780060928971): Susan Forward: Books - It's about how to set up boundaries and apply healthy techniques to people who try to control you through guilt and manipulation.
    Zero11, Regina, DAPHNE XO and 6 others thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by renna View Post
    You need to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward
    Amazon.com: Toxic Parents (9780553814828): Susan Forward: Books

    And I also suggest reading "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward
    Amazon.com: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (9780060928971): Susan Forward: Books - It's about how to set up boundaries and apply healthy techniques to people who try to control you through guilt and manipulation.
    Thanks to these links. I'm gonna find and buy those in bookstore.
    renna, renna, renna and 12 others thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ENFP - The Inspirers


    @debugger - I have an ESFJ mother and an INTP father.

    My mom is controlling but not abusive.

    Your mom attracts sycophants and physically abuses people? You should get away from her as soon as possible as that is not a healthy environment to be in.
    RecklessInspirer, Regina and Elistra thanked this post.

  8. #7

    I have also a mother who is a control-freak in everything (clothes, spending, life-decisions, etc.) She is abusive in a way. She's an ISTJ and ever since I was born, I never knew what peace meant until I moved out. Because of our TJness, you'd imagine how many fights we have had (verbal and sometimes physical). We're not good at anger management especially she who is very domineering and won't listen to anybody but her own. She denied so many of my material needs and experience I know she could have afford. And when me and someone had a fight, my mother would thought that it was my fault without examining first what has really happened. She always thought of me as the bad child. Up to now she still wants to exert her control over me by interfering with my career-decision (maybe so I could give her money in return). She tried so many guilt-tripping tactics like, "If you move out, don't forget us. You can't reach your destination if you don't look back." Meaning, 'You won't be successful in your life if you don't give gratitude to the people who raised you.') For her, supporting parents through their old age is a must if you're a good child. And she user this tactics so I won't forget her. I think she already knows that if I move out of her house and her life, I won't give a damn about her, that's why she keep on calling through phone, but most of the time I don't answer. It's not that I hate her. I'm just irritated. I just want her out of my life forever with no attachments whatsoever. I only have gratitude for her, but love no. I don't love her honestly. Maybe I care for her but I don't love her. My father who is an INTJ I guess, is an ideal father. He is not a miser. He will give what you want without spoiling you. He supports your intellectual stimulation. He's the kind of father everyone likes to have because most kids have drunken parents, their dads have vices (alcohol, drugs), sometimes not responsible enough, and of course the caring issue that most fathers have with their children. But with my father, I didn't experience any of those because he is too introverted. And he's really so protective if some kids are being obnoxious with us siblings. I wish I had spend more time with my father than with my mother. I could have been a person I ought to be. I'm just a wasted INTJ that has great potentials but just blocked because of a selfish mother, who didn't support and understand what's best for my development.
    Zero11 and Praesepe thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Hi there,

    I mean you no personal disrespect (I often have to lead with that), but it's time that you hear (read) something to bring you back down to earth;

    1 - She tries to control me
    Yep, you are her child and, based on your writing style, are not an adult yet. It's her job to keep you from spinning out of control.

    2 - She made my sister go against me
    Sounds like sibling rivalry. It happens. You'll get over it.

    3 - She gives people she barely knows big amounts of money to make herself look like someone important
    What she does with her money is not your business. You live under her roof and eat her food. She pays the bills.

    Honestly, nobody here really knows your situation and there's always 2 sides to every story. I'm sure some of what you wrote above is true and some of it is a misunderstanding between you and your family members.

    When I see things like this:
    How do i keep her away from me and my children (when i`ll have) as i move out?
    it makes me think that you had a bad day and are just letting off some steam.

    Take a deep breath, go back and look at the situation with fresh eyes. It's likely not as bad as it sounded when you wrote that

    - ZDD
    dragthewaters thanked this post.

  10. #9
    INTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by INTJellectual View Post
    I have also a mother who is a control-freak in everything (clothes, spending, life-decisions, etc.) She is abusive in a way. She's an ISTJ and ever since I was born, I never knew what peace meant until I moved out. Because of our TJness, you'd imagine how many fights we have had (verbal and sometimes physical). We're not good at anger management especially she who is very domineering and won't listen to anybody but her own. She denied so many of my material needs and experience I know she could have afford. And when me and someone had a fight, my mother would thought that it was my fault without examining first what has really happened. She always thought of me as the bad child. Up to now she still wants to exert her control over me by interfering with my career-decision (maybe so I could give her money in return). She tried so many guilt-tripping tactics like, "If you move out, don't forget us. You can't reach your destination if you don't look back." Meaning, 'You won't be successful in your life if you don't give gratitude to the people who raised you.') For her, supporting parents through their old age is a must if you're a good child. And she user this tactics so I won't forget her. I think she already knows that if I move out of her house and her life, I won't give a damn about her, that's why she keep on calling through phone, but most of the time I don't answer. It's not that I hate her. I'm just irritated. I just want her out of my life forever with no attachments whatsoever. I only have gratitude for her, but love no. I don't love her honestly. Maybe I care for her but I don't love her. My father who is an INTJ I guess, is an ideal father. He is not a miser. He will give what you want without spoiling you. He supports your intellectual stimulation. He's the kind of father everyone likes to have because most kids have drunken parents, their dads have vices (alcohol, drugs), sometimes not responsible enough, and of course the caring issue that most fathers have with their children. But with my father, I didn't experience any of those because he is too introverted. And he's really so protective if some kids are being obnoxious with us siblings. I wish I had spend more time with my father than with my mother. I could have been a person I ought to be. I'm just a wasted INTJ that has great potentials but just blocked because of a selfish mother, who didn't support and understand what's best for my development.
    I'm sorry about the situation with your mom. It's good that you had your father to turn to. I wish I had that.
    Regina thanked this post.

  11. #10
    INTJ

    @Zombie Devil Duckie I think the OP's concerns are genuine. Yes, from the writing style, it seems that he is very young, so there's a tendency to not view everything from all perspectives yet. But I don't think the OP owes unconditional reverence to the parent simply because they are the parent. That's the run in when it comes to NT's interaction with their SJ parents.

    @debugger
    You should approach the situation as delicately as you can. If you have the urge to "talk back" at your mom, resist it. Find a support group outside of the home, find an adult whom you feel you can trust and be frank about your situation to. More importantly, plan. Collect as much information as you can on this topic. Find out what you can do as the child to help curtail the negative interactions with your mom. Find a job if you can and work hard at school so you can leave. Ask other INTJs about their experience with their parents and see if that can help you a bit more. Best of luck.
    Last edited by Praesepe; 07-31-2012 at 05:49 PM.
    Regina, DAPHNE XO, DAPHNE XO and 6 others thanked this post.


     
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