[ESFJ] ESFJ Venting Thread: Rant and Rave - Page 3

ESFJ Venting Thread: Rant and Rave

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This is a discussion on ESFJ Venting Thread: Rant and Rave within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; omg. yes..why.. how? XP my mom is an esfj and she is a control freak... i never get to see ...

  1. #21
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    omg. yes..why.. how? XP my mom is an esfj and she is a control freak... i never get to see my best friend. its all sjfdbgwoierugweiurg
    rd93 thanked this post.

  2. #22
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    I think autonomy is very important to ESFJs. Without the necessary space and freedom to control your own environment, it can be pretty constricting and seriously affect your internal balance. My dad's a very controlling ISFJ, so I can never seem to be going out and just doing things without a complaint or him guilt-tripping me. And I am well beyond the age of independence.

    There is nothing wrong with you wanting to do things, in fact ESFJs need to be constantly doing and doing or they dry up. But Fe can make us naturally obedient towards authority and have the desire to please, so we don't always think about ourselves or what is actually fair. If you don't voice your concerns to your mother, she will never change. Although that may be very difficult.

    I was always particularly obedient towards my father's demands because I could always see where he was coming from, and so I didn't feel like I had the right to say anything or object. But when I actually think about it, I wasn't doing anything wrong. He basically put his opinions of what I should be doing in my head. The only way to do things I wanted to was to give him a good reason for me doing it, which involved me lying a lot. Not a good thing.
    If your mom is particularly hard to talk to, slowly ease her into the idea of you doing more things.

    Basically, think about what you really want, and find small ways to start working towards it. I always feel better when I'm doing at least something to change my situation. For example, I'm studying now to become successful so that I can support myself and thus buy my freedom and independence. That keeps me going.

  3. #23
    Unknown

    I decided a couple days ago that I want to break up with my girlfriend, and now pretty much everything she does annoys me. But I already booked my non-refundable ticket to visit her in North Carolina in January, so I have to wait until after that to break up with her. And of course at the same time I know it's going to hurt to let her go. Curse you confusing feelings!
    rd93 thanked this post.

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  5. #24
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by Liontiger View Post
    I decided a couple days ago that I want to break up with my girlfriend, and now pretty much everything she does annoys me. But I already booked my non-refundable ticket to visit her in North Carolina in January, so I have to wait until after that to break up with her. And of course at the same time I know it's going to hurt to let her go. Curse you confusing feelings!

    You've been struggling with these feelings for a while now, haven't you? :-( I think I read the thread you wrote about breaking up with her. Have you just been feeling super conflicted?
    You never know: your feelings could swing back to wanting her by the time your trip comes up! Maybe you just need some space from her?
    *hugs*

  6. #25
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by Hunny Bunny View Post
    You've been struggling with these feelings for a while now, haven't you? :-( I think I read the thread you wrote about breaking up with her. Have you just been feeling super conflicted?
    You never know: your feelings could swing back to wanting her by the time your trip comes up! Maybe you just need some space from her?
    *hugs*
    At this point, I'm pretty decided about things. I know it's not going to work, I just have to come to terms with it. I'm more conflicted about causing her pain than about my feelings for her. As for space, we're long distance. We've actually been spending less time together, at first because I was stressed and asked her for space. But now I just don't enjoy her company as much as I used to. I'm ready to be single again and figure out what I'm actually looking for in a relationship.

    Thank you for the hugs though :)
    Hunny Bunny thanked this post.

  7. #26
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by Liontiger View Post
    At this point, I'm pretty decided about things. I know it's not going to work, I just have to come to terms with it. I'm more conflicted about causing her pain than about my feelings for her. As for space, we're long distance. We've actually been spending less time together, at first because I was stressed and asked her for space. But now I just don't enjoy her company as much as I used to. I'm ready to be single again and figure out what I'm actually looking for in a relationship.

    Thank you for the hugs though :)

    Hmmm... I know exactly what you mean. I've been there and understand those thought patterns and realizations. Whenever I get thinking that way about someone I'm dating (particularly the "being annoyed" with them part), there is no going back for me. They just drive me up a wall until I can't take it anymore.
    Good luck!
    Liontiger thanked this post.

  8. #27
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by rd93 View Post
    I think autonomy is very important to ESFJs. Without the necessary space and freedom to control your own environment, it can be pretty constricting and seriously affect your internal balance. My dad's a very controlling ISFJ, so I can never seem to be going out and just doing things without a complaint or him guilt-tripping me. And I am well beyond the age of independence.

    There is nothing wrong with you wanting to do things, in fact ESFJs need to be constantly doing and doing or they dry up. But Fe can make us naturally obedient towards authority and have the desire to please, so we don't always think about ourselves or what is actually fair. If you don't voice your concerns to your mother, she will never change. Although that may be very difficult.

    I was always particularly obedient towards my father's demands because I could always see where he was coming from, and so I didn't feel like I had the right to say anything or object. But when I actually think about it, I wasn't doing anything wrong. He basically put his opinions of what I should be doing in my head. The only way to do things I wanted to was to give him a good reason for me doing it, which involved me lying a lot. Not a good thing.
    If your mom is particularly hard to talk to, slowly ease her into the idea of you doing more things.

    Basically, think about what you really want, and find small ways to start working towards it. I always feel better when I'm doing at least something to change my situation. For example, I'm studying now to become successful so that I can support myself and thus buy my freedom and independence. That keeps me going.
    What you wrote mirrored my life right now. I am a grown woman of 26 and cannot seem to get away from this shackles that my parents tied me into. My mum guilt-trips me all the time and my dad questions me on every decision i make when all i want them to do is listen to me. They grew up in an era where all is much less complicated and totally different to the culture I live into here in London. They always say that they've been through what I am going through but HELLO that was in freaking Philippines and I'm living in UK now. we all are! I want to make my life better but with all these restrictions I can never seem to move on. About what you said of easing them into the idea... that is pretty difficult if they refuse to listen to you. You open up but they shut you down just because they are always right. My solution is moving out but that's another topic which I am having a massive dilemma on at the moment.

  9. #28
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    I think moving out is the best thing for you if their control runs that deep. This may require you to openly defy your parents' decisions/commands, because you are your own person after all. And the idea of upsetting your parents in terrifying, but after a while you begin to realize that it's kind of your own fault. It's because you were so openly obedient towards them that they became used to having control over you. I certainly dug my own grave with my dad in that manner. My ENFJ brother is much more openly defiant to his controlling nature, and so my dad has come to expect less obedience from him. The same goes for my INTP brother, who pretends like my dad doesn't exist; my dad never seems bother trying to control him anymore.
    It's all because we feel so obligated to please them and not be bad children, and because their negative feedback crushes us back into line. I kind of wish I had a sibling who was an ESTP or ESFP just to watch them clash with my dad.

    But, back to the main point: distance is how I plan to achieve my freedom, slowly but surely. I love my dad, but he affects me far too much, so I don't plan on being stuck my entire life (like you said, they don't listen). My father is very much the same; his mindset is so deeply programmed into his head that it is completely unlikely that he will ever change.

    Traditionalist AND xSxJ parents= Life of Imprisonment
    Hunny Bunny thanked this post.

  10. #29
    ENFJ - The Givers

    I'm bringing this thread alive again. This should be stickied.

    Ugh, I feel like such a BITCH today. I don't know what my problem is. There are certain threads that I really enjoy - except - a certain PerC member who drives me UP A WALL. Such an attention whore and everyone buys into the bait. Why does it bug me so much? Because it's a thread that I enjoy reading and is very active, yet when this person is involved it just ruins everything.
    This person trots around PerC trying to be everyone's BFF with the humor that I just do NOT get - and even tried to butt into my life bc I was friends with one of the other people they were talking to (jealous, I guess) and I did NOT take the bait. This person finally left me alone. I don't want to be involved or give this person any more attention.
    Can I serious roll my eyes any further back into my head?
    Sorry, I know I'm a bitch today. But this feeling towards this person persists. I never feel this way about people. I usually love everyone. But this... Ugh. Annoying.

  11. #30
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    except - a certain PerC member who drives me UP A WALL. Such an attention whore and everyone buys into the bait.
    It's me, I admit it. Not everyone enjoys Penguin movies or the "Zen of Pie" like I do. I learned long ago that Pie is a great bait. It works for Yogi-bear AND PerC members. Muahahah....


    (take a deep breath, things will get better soon)




    -ZDD
    Hunny Bunny thanked this post.


     
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